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Original poster

Discussing betrayal and boundaries

28 replies

Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 21:05

My on/off boyfriend of 3 years had a one night stand with somebody a few months ago when we were in a break. He's assured me no contact since then but is now on social media dishing the likes out. I've told him I've seen this and he's lost his temper with me for checking on him. He's 50 years old not a boy. clearly I don't trust him and for good reason it now seems. But I don't know how to discuss this with him as he's turned it around as a me problem.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2022 21:07

What’s to discuss? He’s treating you like a fool. You deserve better than that.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2022 21:10

”on a break” ?

Are you both teenagers ? Get a grip and leave this nob behind

GreenManalishi · 19/09/2022 21:12

Why do you need to discuss this with him?

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 21:57

You're right, I probably don't need to discuss it. I guess the writing is on the wall.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 21:58

AnyFucker · 19/09/2022 21:10

”on a break” ?

Are you both teenagers ? Get a grip and leave this nob behind

Well yes, we broke up and at the time I thought that was for good but we ended up back together. Is there a better way to describe that?

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 19/09/2022 22:02

You mean he's liking her social media posts?

It is a you problem. End it. End of problem.

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 22:18

Pineappleskies · 19/09/2022 22:02

You mean he's liking her social media posts?

It is a you problem. End it. End of problem.

Yes that's what I mean.

OP posts:
MiniDinosaur · 19/09/2022 22:22

Ditch him and move on.

Captainmarvel0160 · 19/09/2022 22:46

Move on

He's getting angry and blaming you!!!
This will continue.
You know you are better than to be treated in this way

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 23:16

Reading it back I know it's time to move on. Doesn't make it any easier.

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 19/09/2022 23:48

If you were on a break then something was wrong. You shouldn't have gone back OP

Captainmarvel0160 · 19/09/2022 23:56

Trust me it's not
My DH had a full blown affair. The damage to my mental health, finances etc... are awful but nothing in comparison to the lie, that to this day, I keep from my child about her father

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 19/09/2022 23:59

Captainmarvel0160 · 19/09/2022 23:56

Trust me it's not
My DH had a full blown affair. The damage to my mental health, finances etc... are awful but nothing in comparison to the lie, that to this day, I keep from my child about her father

My ex did this too & they got pregnant. I think the way he behaved has led to me finding it very difficult to see the truth and when to walk away. I find it very difficult to put myself first. Quite sad really.

OP posts:
madasawethen · 20/09/2022 00:01

Dump and block.

He truly isn't the last man on earth.
These on off things just prevent you from meeting someone better.

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 00:03

I understand it is time to walk away but I guess I wanted to calmly say my piece about why I am hurt by this betrayal and he can't get past that I've checked up on him.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 09:39

Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 00:03

I understand it is time to walk away but I guess I wanted to calmly say my piece about why I am hurt by this betrayal and he can't get past that I've checked up on him.

But he doesn't respect what you say, so there's no point, and possibly it would even do you harm, if he decided to turn this round on you.

clearly I don't trust him and for good reason it now seems

I think it would be worth you looking into why your first instinct, in this situation, was to discuss things with him.

Once you've left him, and had a bit of time, of course. That's step one.

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 11:12

@Watchkeys I wanted him to know his behaviour was hurtful and for him to have some accountability or perhaps acknowledge/ out the deception!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 11:35

Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 11:12

@Watchkeys I wanted him to know his behaviour was hurtful and for him to have some accountability or perhaps acknowledge/ out the deception!

If he wanted to accept accountability, he'd have listened in the first place. He doesn't. You are not here to make him accountable for his actions; that's his job, and it'll get done as he sees fit. Nothing to do with you. If he wanted to admit wrongdoing, he would have done. Again, nothing to do with you.

All you can do is choose your people to fit with your morals/ethics/emotions. If someone's behaviour doesn't fit with what you see as 'right', you don't correct them and get them to see the error of their ways. You move on, and make room for people who think like you. Otherwise you spend your life teaching adults how to be adults, instead of choosing to be around those who know how to be adults to start with.

Why do you think it's your job to educate him?

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 11:44

@Watchkeys I guess I'm in denial that he cared for my feelings and cared for me and could have just made a mistake.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 11:52

Well, if you know you're in denial, you're not in denial. You know. But you refuse to accept.

This'll come from your childhood. Did you have an absent parent? An addict parent? Fighting/arguing parents? Parents who favoured a sibling over you? All of this stuff can lead to a 'You make me feel like shit but I need to grit my teeth and get on with it... perhaps one day you'll realise the error of your ways' mindset.

But the truth is, he can't be convinced to see it your way any more than you can be convinced to see it his way. You're just different. And in a way that hurts you. So you need to keep away from him, regardless of who is right or wrong.

Captainmarvel0160 · 20/09/2022 13:45

He will never acknowledge your feelings, what he's done etc.... as doing so would mean what? That he is wrong

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 14:12

@Watchkeys absent father.

You're a wise one. Or at least know how to articulate things in an eloquent manner - it makes sense and is helpful so thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
LoekMa · 21/09/2022 06:14

Thisismyusernamefornow · 20/09/2022 11:12

@Watchkeys I wanted him to know his behaviour was hurtful and for him to have some accountability or perhaps acknowledge/ out the deception!

Heartbreaking. You are trying to get him to see you, your value and how much he hurt you.

But all he sees is that you neither value nor respect yourself. Why should he??

Oblomov22 · 21/09/2022 06:29

You were on a break. he can sleep with whomever he wants to, if you were on a break.
him following her posts now that you're back together is what is not ok.

Original poster
Thisismyusernamefornow · 21/09/2022 18:47

Oblomov22 · 21/09/2022 06:29

You were on a break. he can sleep with whomever he wants to, if you were on a break.
him following her posts now that you're back together is what is not ok.

Agree and haven't said otherwise. What happened when we weren't together is none of my business.

OP posts:
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