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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there a name for my husbands behaviour?

50 replies

HansZimmerframe · 19/09/2022 20:53

Aside from being described as an asshole, etc I'm wondering if there is an actual term / name for my husbands behaviour. One of the most frustrating behaviours my husband does (aside from yell at me) is muttering under his breath so I (or the person he's annoyed with) can hear him.

A few examples:

If we are on a day out and pushing the pram and other child was walking with us and people milling about / walking didn't move out of the way he would get through the crowd and then just after so the offending people were still in ear shot he would mutter "hmph people here don't seem to be very friendly" or "the people here don't have any manners"

We were in a shop and didn't receive the best service at the till or whenever and when we're done he will turn his back on the person dealing we were dealing with and start to walk away and say something like "they're not very helpful here" or "people just don't give good service anymore like they used to"

We were in the park and some older children were being a little annoying and not sharing the equipment while my daughter waited patiently. He would say within hearing range of the kids "some kids just don't have any manners any more" or "it's ok <daughters name> some kids are just a bit rude

In arguments with me he throws negative comments left right and centre at me. Anything he can do to put me down. I don't bite back because a) I hate confrontation and I will always lose, and b) the arguments are often in front of the children and I don't want to argue in front of them but he doesn't care and often makes me look band in front of them. He'll mutter other put downs and very negative things about me as he walks away or while he's just in the room but not right next to me so I can hear him muttering but sometimes can't hear exactly what he's saying.

It's getting really tiring. Is there a term / definition for this behaviour? And is there anything I can do about it?

OP posts:
blebbleb · 19/09/2022 20:54

He sounds very passive aggressive to me.

piegone · 19/09/2022 20:56

Nah, not passive aggressive at all, just a rude cunt.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2022 20:57

Passive aggression or maybe simply aggression

Why are you tolerating this, he sounds horribly insufferable

Blueberry40 · 19/09/2022 20:59

Agree with the previous post- very passive aggressive! Doesn’t have the communication skills/emotional intelligence to confront a difficult or disappointing situation constructively so instead chooses to make his thoughts known indirectly by making snide comments. Deeply unpleasant trait, I feel for you OP.

Watchkeys · 19/09/2022 21:02

Passive aggression. Why do you care what it's called? He's deliberately screwing up any bond you may have had.

LovingTheseAutumnSnippets · 19/09/2022 21:05

twat

countvoncount · 19/09/2022 21:06

Also...he's a shithouse, makes his comments not directly to the person he has an issue with
(NOT MAY I ADD THAT MAKING COMMENTS DIRECTLY IS BETTER)
All round arsehole nark behaviour

DeclansAFeckingDream · 19/09/2022 21:07

Immature prick?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 19/09/2022 21:07

Aggressive. He sounds awful actually. And he won't get any better.

countvoncount · 19/09/2022 21:08

Forgot to say....if you did "bite back"
And told him that this behaviour was immature and embarrassing, I think he would shit himself
He's clearly been getting away with these muttering for years
Stand up for yourself!

Regularsizedrudy · 19/09/2022 21:09

The name for it is “pathetic” and what you can do about it is “leave”

QueenieL1 · 19/09/2022 21:16

Was thinking passive aggressive when I was reading this. My ex would do this and also starting bringing my children into it by talking about me to them, 'mummy's in a mood' etc.

Hearthnhome · 19/09/2022 21:17

He is what I call an aggressive coward.

Wants to have a dig at people, but does it just as he is walking away. He won’t say things directly to people because he will shit himself if they actually bit back.

Thats why he does say things directly to you. Because he is confident you won’t.

Why he says things so children can hear. Why he makes nasty comments in ear shot of retail staff. He knows they are unlikely to say anything back.

He wants to be a dick, but is afraid of that people might answer back so chosen targets and situations where he can get away with it.

Hearthnhome · 19/09/2022 21:20

And no. You can’t change it.

It will probably go 2 ways. You might leave. Or you will probably get so fucked off you do start biting back. Then, he will likely spit and splutter and then ramp it up to put you back in your place. Creating a toxic environment for the kids.

Bestcatmum · 19/09/2022 21:20

Why do you put up with this, you need to grow a backbone or you will be a doormat for the rest of your life and your children will not respect you.

QueenieL1 · 19/09/2022 21:23

@Hearthnhome It's passive aggression you're describing though, it's different to aggression.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2022 21:26

It’s called being rude. He’s a rude nasty aggressive little man. I wouldn’t want to be around him because the thing is if you’re walking around with a rude nasty person then people will associate you with them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/09/2022 21:51

I was going to say aggressive. Aggressive because he doesnt talk about how he feels it's all attacking the other person. Passive because it's not actually doing anything to address it, if the other person hears it he can just deny it.

The best way to deal with it is say 'I heard you say this, I want to talk about what happened' and insist he cant leave it on that note because his comments are horrible

londonlass71 · 19/09/2022 22:02

Goading. He's being goady and trying to goad you and whoever he is annoyed with

Carproblem · 19/09/2022 22:08

Well all the situations you describe are normal situations that we all need to deal with on a regular basis, older children in the park, slightly disappointing customer service, crowded places, etc.
Most of us manage to navigate these life experiences without being a twat.

So I am another who doesn't really understand why you're asking for a "label" for his behaviour?

If he's being a twat and embarrassing you or by proxy making you look bad too because you're with him, that should be enough to simply confront him and tell him to stop being such a dick.

HansZimmerframe · 19/09/2022 22:19

Thank you all for your replies. I don't bother confronting him anymore because I hate confrontation and by me challenging him he only yells at me more and makes me feel shit.

Someone mentioned about their husband putting them down in front if the children and yes he does that quite often and I hate it. I do entertain the thought of leaving, but I have zero savings and my job doesn't pay very well at all.

OP posts:
HansZimmerframe · 19/09/2022 22:23

Forgot to say that I wanted to know if there was a term for it because I have previously made posts about his behaviour where people have said he's narcissistic (I'm not entirely sure about this), a gaslighter (I agree with this) and a few others. So I wanted to know if there was an actual term for this type of behaviour.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 19/09/2022 22:25

My husband does this sometimes, I tell him he's being an arse and to grow up. He stops.

Need2P · 19/09/2022 22:34

The best term for him is "soon to be ex husband".

OldFan · 19/09/2022 22:40

Annoying and a buzzkill.