Is there a name for my husbands behaviour?

[HansZimmerframe]

Aside from being described as an asshole, etc I'm wondering if there is an actual term / name for my husbands behaviour. One of the most frustrating behaviours my husband does (aside from yell at me) is muttering under his breath so I (or the person he's annoyed with) can hear him.

A few examples:

If we are on a day out and pushing the pram and other child was walking with us and people milling about / walking didn't move out of the way he would get through the crowd and then just after so the offending people were still in ear shot he would mutter "hmph people here don't seem to be very friendly" or "the people here don't have any manners"

We were in a shop and didn't receive the best service at the till or whenever and when we're done he will turn his back on the person dealing we were dealing with and start to walk away and say something like "they're not very helpful here" or "people just don't give good service anymore like they used to"

We were in the park and some older children were being a little annoying and not sharing the equipment while my daughter waited patiently. He would say within hearing range of the kids "some kids just don't have any manners any more" or "it's ok <daughters name> some kids are just a bit rude

In arguments with me he throws negative comments left right and centre at me. Anything he can do to put me down. I don't bite back because a) I hate confrontation and I will always lose, and b) the arguments are often in front of the children and I don't want to argue in front of them but he doesn't care and often makes me look band in front of them. He'll mutter other put downs and very negative things about me as he walks away or while he's just in the room but not right next to me so I can hear him muttering but sometimes can't hear exactly what he's saying.

It's getting really tiring. Is there a term / definition for this behaviour? And is there anything I can do about it?

I bet he doesn't make those comments when he's anywhere near a great big aggressive looking man.

Small man syndrome.

Thinks he has little in his life so makes himself feel better by belittling anyone else he can.

It's not gallant, attractive or interesting.

It's really quite pathetic and boring.

People who use "stage whispers" are rude and bad mannered. It's intimidation and belittling behaviour.

In those scenarios, passive-aggressive would be more if he spoke to them in an indirectly aggressive way. Like saying, "I see you forgot to bring your manners with you today," while smiling. Or "could you be any less helpful, love." A dig to their faces.

Either way, he's a nasty prick.

FFS grow a backbone and say something

Sounds like an absolute charmer.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He’s basically ground you down here and will continue to do so.
He is abusive towards you and in turn your children. You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from you two?. You are showing your kids that this abuse from him to them also is acceptable to you on some level. Would you want them as adults to have a similar abusive relationship too, no you would not and it’s not good enough for you either.

i would also urge you to seek legal advice re divorcing this man. You are married to him and have rights in law, use these and free yourselves.

Another possible scenario here is that your kids could also start to repeat what their abusive father is saying to you.

Nothing in your post suggests gaslighting. But you may not have listed all the examples of his awful behaviour.
www.google.com/url?q=www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/gaslighting&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwiRwO_K4aL6AhWSdcAKHX0UBgAQFnoECAoQAg&usg=AOvVaw0Jpqu_kCpvP7_STkNkQrQ9

Sadly my son does sometimes. I have ADHD so my husband gets easily frustrated with me because I often don't do simple things and am easily distracted. I'm on my phone a lot passing time. It's a bad habit. Husband will often yell at me to get off my phone and then start muttering and putting me down. Like "get off your phone!" And then mutter "this family would be so much better off without phones" or "everyone's always on their phones (very sarcastically) or "phones are the devil" or something along those lines. My son snaps at me now the same way husband does and says "get off your phone"

Everyone is on their phones including husband. He just doesn't like it when he's not and we are.

Regardless to what a lot of people may think he is your husband at the end of the day. However as his behaviour is impacting on the household you will need to take action.

If that means you ask him to 'temporarily leave' so you can do an effective audit and assessment of your support system and surroundings that might get him thinking and he would be more likely to change his behaviour.

Husbands can be very irritating 😠 sometimes but I'm a believer that marriage is worth it.

This is just one of the wonderful behaviours he demonstrates. He does gaslight as well. 😕

Lol this sadly

Victor Meldrew Syndrome?

Your son will continue to copy his dad and in time your daughter will do the same so as to also avoid being his target. Your H is certainly using ADHD against you here.

What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you as you were growing up?.

This is who your husband really is and such men do not change. He has learnt that this works for him and chances are one or both his parents behave the same.

How can you be helped here into leaving this abuser?. Make no mistake here you are all being abused by this man and the effects of that could last for years particularly if you stay with him. Your marriage is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn his kids.

Example from this morning:

Husband was trying to help son get ready in the morning and they were bickering because son was wiggling around and making it difficult for Husband to tie his tie. He started getting annoyed at him and then when he was done walked away. Then something happened and my son got frustrated and threw his blazer on the floor. I tried to calm him down and told him to pick it up. Husband got angry and yelled "is that how you treat a £100 blazer?" and son replied saying that husband had thrown it on the floor as well before. Husband got angry and said he hadn’t (he probably had! - So gaslighting) and then him and my son started bickering and then husband said something along the lines of 'well if that’s the way you think and you don’t need me “then I’m gone. I’m gone.” I looked at him and mouthed don’t say that and he got angry and pointed at me and said “you don’t say that. You’re just negative in my life”

Outside to everyone else he's super chatty and lovely. He often is caring towards the kids at home and does a load for them. But it's the verbal and emotional abuse. I've lost any love and respect for him, but my kids love him so much. He controls all of the finances and money. I don't have more than £100 to my name at the moment. Leaving - especially during the current climate right now would be impossible. I am worried that separating would mess the children up even more.

Husband always puts down couples who have divorced because he thinks he's all Higgs and mighty. Except when it's convenient for him to throw insults at me and threaten me with divorce even though I know he's never go through with it because he needs me and won't admit it

Can you do something about your job and maybe increasing your earning power? Online courses or volunteering somewhere?

I left my exH because of shitty abusive behaviour, and whilst it was very difficult, both me and my daughters are so much happier that I did. And now I am away from that house and that environment I can see how toxic and damaging it was, and how awful life would have been had we stayed.

Life is really too short for this, you need to leave him.

If he is financially abusive (as was my ex), even more reason to leave, Could you look into social housing or benefits and see what you might be able to get, even if just for a bit to get you settled again?
I moved in with family for a while when I left, in the short-time, then when I had access to a (new) bank account etc I managed to set myself up again.

Also, your kids don't love him, they just love him on his good days.

You have a job and therefore presumably a salary/wage BUT He controls all of the finances and money. I don't have more than £100 to my name at the moment.

I'd say that was bad if you were a sahm but you earn money yet you have no say in how its spent... he'd an abusive twat and you need to get him out of your life before he turns the kids on you (and make sure you correct your son you don't say how old he is but if you don't he'll soon be thumping you too).

If he is financially controlling, the first thing to do is stop sharing finances. Open up your own bank account and have your wage paid into it. Also have the child benefit if any paid into it. Then look into his earnings and yours and pay into the joint account in proportion to earnings. If he doesn't want you to have equal access to funds, fine - go separate.

Definitely look into what you would be entitled to in benefits if you were to leave, because he wants dumping in a skip.

HansZimmerframe

re your comment:
"Outside to everyone else he's super chatty and lovely. He often is caring towards the kids at home and does a load for them. But it's the verbal and emotional abuse. I've lost any love and respect for him, but my kids love him so much. He controls all of the finances and money. I don't have more than £100 to my name at the moment. Leaving - especially during the current climate right now would be impossible. I am worried that separating would mess the children up even more".

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world so it's of no surprise that he behaves far differently to them. Make no mistake either, your children fear their dad and certainly do not love him. You do not love their dad any longer unsurprisingly and staying for the sake of the kids is no reason at all to remain with such a man. A man who is also financially abusing you to boot in that he has all the access to money. Your children pick up on all this in their home and are probably also very quiet, mindful of his mood changes and subservient in an attempt to not set him off. They've also learnt how to do that from watching you behave similarly around your H.

I will state that staying with him WILL mess your kids up even more than if you were all to leave. Separating yourself from him would lead to a lot less conflict, a far calmer house and more settled children. Your house is akin to a warzone currently with your H conducting his own private based war against you. Your kids are caught up in this too and indeed your son is now copying his dad's way of speaking to you.

You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those fully and seek legal advice asap. Leaving is the great unknown here but feel the fear and do it anyway.

But it's the verbal and emotional abuse. I've lost any love and respect for him, but my kids love him so much. He controls all of the finances and money. I don't have more than £100 to my name at the moment. Leaving - especially during the current climate right now would be impossible. I am worried that separating would mess the children up even more.

People often love their abusers. It makes their abuse even more dangerous as your children are being taught that if you love someone, it's ok for them to abuse you and you should still stay. Setting them up for a lifetime of potentially abusive relationships.

Even if he has them solo some of the time after you split up, better they have a calm, stable non abusive home 50%+ of the time than live in a stressful, unstable abusive home 100% of the time.

And if his attitude is 'I'll just leave then', he is staggeringly unlikely to actually have the kids anywhere close to 50/50 long term. Or even medium term.

He's an abuser.

Contact women's aid and a solicitor to find out what your rights are if you divorce him.

He'll have to pay CM

People often love their abusers. It makes their abuse even more dangerous as your children are being taught that if you love someone, it's ok for them to abuse you and you should still stay

OP, this is already playing out in your example with the blazer being thrown on the floor. He's already verbally abusing/manipulating your son, and your son loves him. You need to show your son, and fast, that love doesn't over ride abuse. However much you love someone, if they're abusive to you, you need to distance yourself from them. Love includes respect. What you think is love is some other kind of attachment, and you will have learned that that's what love looks like, presumably from your own childhood, and the examples you were given.

What was your parents' relationship like with each other? And with you?

@HansZimmerframe you are clearly in a very abusive relationship here.

I suspect that by posting today you didn't really want to know a word to describe this behaviour, rather you knew his behaviour is not acceptable but you needed to have it spelled out to you and to be told what to do about it?

Do you really see a long future ahead of you and your children with this man?

You're stating obstacles to leaving him, telling him to leave etc. What would it take to make you realise that you have a bright and happy future ahead for you and your children if only you could take that first step?

You are in a highly abusive relationship and your children are in a highly emotionally abusive home and are being emotionally abused by their father.

This is hugely damaging for your children.

Ring Women's aid for advice and support.