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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is a know-it-all and it's driving me insane

67 replies

NotAKnowitall · 19/09/2022 19:18

I met my husband when we were both 16; he was nice, funny and normal. However, as the years have gone on (13 years), he's developed some traits that I simply can't stand, so much so that I hate being around him. The worst trait that he's developed is being a know-it-all and I'm just about ready to leave him because of it.

A few examples that spring to mind:

Once, when watching something about sports, the commentator started interviewing Paula Radcliffe (you could only hear their voices while footage of the race played). Neither of us knew she was being interviewed until her name clearly flashed up on the screen. While it looked like I wasn't paying attention as I was on my phone, I noticed DH waited until about 15 seconds after the names had disappeared to say "oh I know this voice.. it's Paula Radcliffe isn't it?". He definitely would never have recognised her voice.

He does that for EVERYTHING on tv. The commentator will give his opinion on how a footballer is playing during a game and DH will repeat it minutes later as if he's an expert. Or you'll hear a presenter say a location on a travel programme and then, minutes later, he'll say "oh that's Greece/Spain etc. Same for an animal/a drink/food/cars etc. It's endless. We will literally sit there listening and he'll repeat what he hears as if it was his brain that just thought of it. I'm sick of him doing this so I just say "yeah that's what it just said".

We watched Ninja Warrior on Saturday and, while Chris Kamara was speaking (we could only hear his voice), he got excited and was like "oh that's Kammy! Chris Kamara!". Understandable if it was his first time watching but we watch it regularly so he knows he's one of the presenters. I responded by saying "you've watched this before I thought you knew that?"

He does it while we watch movies too. Well known actors will come on screen and he'll be like "oh that's Brad Pitt/Natalie Portman/Seth Rogan etc". I just feel like screaming "I KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS!"

Of course he always thinks he's right and is always saying things as if they're facts too. We watched a Rowan Atkinson film over the weekend and DH saw a car that he (obviously) named and said how much it was worth. I remarked that Rowan was a car man so maybe it was one from his own collection. DH immediately shut me down and insisted Rowan doesn't like those sorts of cars and only likes Aston Martins. Well, I did a little digging and Rowan does indeed own the same make of car that was featured on the film. Very petty of me to check but I'm so fed up of being told I'm wrong.

Once, when I was cooking dinner, I asked him to come and help me by chopping up a few things. He walked into the kitchen, looked at the pasta and said it was done. I said ok and asked him to quickly chop something up. He proceeds to ignore me, fart arse around looking for a fork while repeating that he thinks the pasta is done, tastes it and then proclaims the pasta is done in a mighty voice and only then does he look at me to ask me what I want him to do. He just loves being right and he'll go on and on and on until he's proved that he's right.

Another time, our computer was going slow when I was trying to send some files to a friend. My friend's husband (who used to work in IT) suggested I reboot the router. We've never rebooted the router so I told DH that I would be doing it and he went off on one. Apparently I was wrong, friend's IT husband was wrong, I would break the router, the internet would stop working etc. I unplugged it and plugged it back in when he went out and of course it was fine. DH will do that with all professions though. He'll think he knows more than everyone else's expert knowledge.

Because DH always thinks he's right, he also wants everything done his way. If I don't agree to his way he won't do it. If he says "let's lay tiles like this" and I say "hm, I don't know, I was thinking like this", he will immediately say "you can do it yourself then. Don't expect me to fix it when it goes wrong". The last time I did this, I said "as usual, it's your way or the high way isn't it" and he actually said "yeah it is" as he stormed out. By the way, nothing has ever gone wrong when I've had to do things myself so I don't know why he expects it to.

He hates when I'm right about anything. If we argue or debate something which he realises I'm right about, he'll slowly change his point to be my point but worded differently. When I point it out he says it's what he's been saying the whole time. We don't argue often but this one upsets me so much that I've considered recording our arguments so he can't do it.

I can't stand this behaviour anymore. It's so petty and needless of him to think he has to be right all the time and know everything. He's either stating the obvious and repeating what he's heard waiting for me to say "yeah that's right" or just making stuff up. I can probably count the number of times he's ever said "I don't know" on one hand and, when he does say it, it's in a strange voice and he dramatically throws his arms in the air. I honestly don't know how to handle this anymore and I can't bear the thought of living with it for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
SimonaRazowska · 19/09/2022 19:22

How can you even live with someone like this?

why did you marry him 😁😁😁 oh dear

Shodan · 19/09/2022 19:24

Other people, more tolerant than I, may be along to offer constructive advice, but I had very similar to this with my XH (I ended up having to show him Google answers just to back up my point) and tbh it was the death knell of our marriage.

Some people always have to be 'right'. I don't know if it can be changed. I had lost the will to try, and it sounds as if you have too.

Scrambledchickens · 19/09/2022 19:26

He sounds vv annoying, you have bee; together a long time and sometimes I think relationships just run their course.

JestersTear · 19/09/2022 19:26

Try saying just 'yes dear' every time he says something. Bet he gets annoyed that you're not reacting how he expects. Sounds like he's just a wind-up merchant

MadMadMadamMim · 19/09/2022 19:27

You've got the 'ick'. It's the death for your relationship.

He just gets on your tits the whole time and you clearly don't want to be with him. I think you'll need to tell him.

NotAKnowitall · 19/09/2022 19:29

I've just thought of another example:

Once, I drove his car while it was raining and noticed his window wipers were pretty crap and wasn't doing anything to clear the water. When I got home I told him he probably needed to replace them. Immediately, he said I was wrong, his wipers were fine and that it was me that should replace the wipers on my car because they were bad.

Literally the very next day, he gave someone a lift to work. At lunchtime he called me and said "Bob (name change for person he gave a live to) said my wipers need changing so we've gone to Halfords to get some". Like, wtf. He's so insistent that I'm wrong and he's right but if a friend says exactly the same as me then the friend is right. Honestly, if I said the grass was green he would argue that it wasn't and then twist it until he's right. It's exhausting.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 19/09/2022 19:29

I’d be planning to leave.

Paq · 19/09/2022 19:29

Are you planning a garden makeover any time soon? Maybe a nice new patio?

memyselfi · 19/09/2022 19:31

You don't even like each other . I'd call it quits .

SharpLily · 19/09/2022 19:32

You've just grown out of each other. Shit happens. I would tell him why you want the divorce though, it would be interesting to know his reaction.

NotAKnowitall · 19/09/2022 19:34

SimonaRazowska · 19/09/2022 19:22

How can you even live with someone like this?

why did you marry him 😁😁😁 oh dear

I preempted this and literally said in my OP that he wasn't like that when we met. He wasn't like it when we got married or moved in together either.

I can't live with someone like this hence why it's driving me insane.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 19/09/2022 19:36

So tedious. I used to have a friend like this, couldn't stand it.

NotAKnowitall · 19/09/2022 19:39

MadMadMadamMim · 19/09/2022 19:27

You've got the 'ick'. It's the death for your relationship.

He just gets on your tits the whole time and you clearly don't want to be with him. I think you'll need to tell him.

It might be the ick but I'm not sure. When he's not being a know it all we're fine. We'll have lovely days out, garden together, long walks, bake together etc but as soon as he turns into his know it all self I can't stand being around him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2022 19:40

You have contempt for your husband. This marriage is over. Do yourself, and him, a massive favour and get divorced. You're miserable, and he's probably not very happy, either.

powershowerforanhour · 19/09/2022 19:40

"He's so insistent that I'm wrong and he's right but if a friend says exactly the same as me then the friend is right. Honestly, if I said the grass was green he would argue that it wasn't and then twist it until he's right. It's exhausting."

Oh dear. If he was an equal opportunities boring mansplainer it might be tolerable but the fact that he just disrespects you in this way and expects you to accept doormat status doesn't bode well. I would be concerned that any time he is overruled/ overlooked for promotion/ beaten at sport/ proved wrong in an argument down the pub with his mates, you'll bear the brunt when he gets home and made to feel inferior just to massage his poor ego.

GreenManalishi · 19/09/2022 19:40

I can't bear the thought of living with it for the rest of my life.

I don't blame you, I'd have locked him in the under stairs cupboard by now.

TheConicalFlask · 19/09/2022 19:48

Have you explained to him how much it's affecting your relationship?

Empra123 · 19/09/2022 19:50

I had one of them. It wasn't what finished our relationship but it certainly didn't help either.

NotAKnowitall · 19/09/2022 19:54

memyselfi · 19/09/2022 19:31

You don't even like each other . I'd call it quits .

Honestly, we don't dislike each other. We do a lot of enjoyable things together and we have a nice time. I've been through a tough time recently and he's been nice and supportive throughout. He celebrates my successes in work etc all normal relationship stuff. The thing is, more and more, he's driving me batshit crazy with his obsession to be right about absolutely everything/look smart/be an expert at everything. Once I noticed I can't not notice it. I'm never allowed to be right about anything either.

OP posts:
Sewaccidentprone · 19/09/2022 19:54

do you earn more than him/have a better support network? Is his df like that?

dfil can be like that. Doesn’t matter what the subject is he always has an opinion and always tries to make out he’s an expert in whatever subject. It’s exhausting and also really patronizing at the same time.

depends on what you want the outcome to be - if you want to stay together then I suggest seeing a counsellor. Sounds as though he isn’t self aware enough to realize and recognize he’s doing it.

Fortuny · 19/09/2022 19:56

TheConicalFlask · 19/09/2022 19:48

Have you explained to him how much it's affecting your relationship?

This. When he's not in a combative mood. And if you can't have a conversation about it where he listens and takes you seriously then it's not a good sign.

bakehimawaytoys · 19/09/2022 20:00

Thank god you don't have children together. It'll make it much easier to split.

There is someone out there who will love him in spite of this irritating habit, who won't notice it or who will think it is an endearing foible. That person is not you! (Nor would it be me. He sounds exhausting.)

lanbro · 19/09/2022 20:02

My xh is like this, we were on holiday recently and I mentioned troubles with Tui (when loads of flights were being cancelled). He said they were going bust, a guy in the pub told him. I called him out on it, he said "he's a millionaire, he knows loads of people"...just a Billy big bollocks bullshitter

We're no longer married but we work together, my stock response to any of his bbbb rubbish is to just say "ok". Knocks his know it all off kilter and keeps me sane, but one of the many reasons we're no longer married!

SassySheila · 19/09/2022 20:16

He sounds like he has an inferiority complex, at the very least an oh so delicate ego.

Either way he doesn't see you as his equal.

ChampagneCamping · 19/09/2022 20:37

My DH does some of these things and I got board of saying ‘yes I already know that’ and moved on to either ignoring the comment or immediately challenging it. I explain to him just how patronising I find it and point out he’s stating the obvious. My DH has Asperger’s and with guidance his social interactions have got better

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