DH is a know-it-all and it's driving me insane

[NotAKnowitall]

I met my husband when we were both 16; he was nice, funny and normal. However, as the years have gone on (13 years), he's developed some traits that I simply can't stand, so much so that I hate being around him. The worst trait that he's developed is being a know-it-all and I'm just about ready to leave him because of it.

A few examples that spring to mind:

Once, when watching something about sports, the commentator started interviewing Paula Radcliffe (you could only hear their voices while footage of the race played). Neither of us knew she was being interviewed until her name clearly flashed up on the screen. While it looked like I wasn't paying attention as I was on my phone, I noticed DH waited until about 15 seconds after the names had disappeared to say "oh I know this voice.. it's Paula Radcliffe isn't it?". He definitely would never have recognised her voice.

He does that for EVERYTHING on tv. The commentator will give his opinion on how a footballer is playing during a game and DH will repeat it minutes later as if he's an expert. Or you'll hear a presenter say a location on a travel programme and then, minutes later, he'll say "oh that's Greece/Spain etc. Same for an animal/a drink/food/cars etc. It's endless. We will literally sit there listening and he'll repeat what he hears as if it was his brain that just thought of it. I'm sick of him doing this so I just say "yeah that's what it just said".

We watched Ninja Warrior on Saturday and, while Chris Kamara was speaking (we could only hear his voice), he got excited and was like "oh that's Kammy! Chris Kamara!". Understandable if it was his first time watching but we watch it regularly so he knows he's one of the presenters. I responded by saying "you've watched this before I thought you knew that?"

He does it while we watch movies too. Well known actors will come on screen and he'll be like "oh that's Brad Pitt/Natalie Portman/Seth Rogan etc". I just feel like screaming "I KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS!"

Of course he always thinks he's right and is always saying things as if they're facts too. We watched a Rowan Atkinson film over the weekend and DH saw a car that he (obviously) named and said how much it was worth. I remarked that Rowan was a car man so maybe it was one from his own collection. DH immediately shut me down and insisted Rowan doesn't like those sorts of cars and only likes Aston Martins. Well, I did a little digging and Rowan does indeed own the same make of car that was featured on the film. Very petty of me to check but I'm so fed up of being told I'm wrong.

Once, when I was cooking dinner, I asked him to come and help me by chopping up a few things. He walked into the kitchen, looked at the pasta and said it was done. I said ok and asked him to quickly chop something up. He proceeds to ignore me, fart arse around looking for a fork while repeating that he thinks the pasta is done, tastes it and then proclaims the pasta is done in a mighty voice and only then does he look at me to ask me what I want him to do. He just loves being right and he'll go on and on and on until he's proved that he's right.

Another time, our computer was going slow when I was trying to send some files to a friend. My friend's husband (who used to work in IT) suggested I reboot the router. We've never rebooted the router so I told DH that I would be doing it and he went off on one. Apparently I was wrong, friend's IT husband was wrong, I would break the router, the internet would stop working etc. I unplugged it and plugged it back in when he went out and of course it was fine. DH will do that with all professions though. He'll think he knows more than everyone else's expert knowledge.

Because DH always thinks he's right, he also wants everything done his way. If I don't agree to his way he won't do it. If he says "let's lay tiles like this" and I say "hm, I don't know, I was thinking like this", he will immediately say "you can do it yourself then. Don't expect me to fix it when it goes wrong". The last time I did this, I said "as usual, it's your way or the high way isn't it" and he actually said "yeah it is" as he stormed out. By the way, nothing has ever gone wrong when I've had to do things myself so I don't know why he expects it to.

He hates when I'm right about anything. If we argue or debate something which he realises I'm right about, he'll slowly change his point to be my point but worded differently. When I point it out he says it's what he's been saying the whole time. We don't argue often but this one upsets me so much that I've considered recording our arguments so he can't do it.

I can't stand this behaviour anymore. It's so petty and needless of him to think he has to be right all the time and know everything. He's either stating the obvious and repeating what he's heard waiting for me to say "yeah that's right" or just making stuff up. I can probably count the number of times he's ever said "I don't know" on one hand and, when he does say it, it's in a strange voice and he dramatically throws his arms in the air. I honestly don't know how to handle this anymore and I can't bear the thought of living with it for the rest of my life.

Start making things up.

A friend and I did this with a know it all, we told him the capital of outer Mongolia was 'My Ass', he said "I think you will find it is pronounced, Mayas" then there was the time we told him that mathematically an egg is a square, he responded with, "Yes, a well known fact that".

Try it, it really is fun.

I've got one like this OP, at the moment I think it's funny, but I can see a point when it's going to start to grate!

In his defence, DH is a huge movie buff, but he will constantly comment on the set, the lighting, the use of cgi, his most common annoyance is 'omg! I can't believe (particular actor) is in this, they don't normally do shows like this' 🙄 it's as if he knows them personally. And it's every thing that we watch.

He's also very dramatic (my biggest bug bear) whilst in bed the other day, he was cold, and put on a proper show, about the weather, our duvet, needing enough sleep, honestly it went on for about 15 mins and was doing my head in, when he finally calmed down, I got out of bed, put the lights on and started clapping 👏 I refrained from shouting 'encore' but got my phone and said 'I'm about to call Rada, they would be impressed with that performance' 🤣 he saw the funny side, and I think I got my point across.

You have my sympathies! X

It's his self esteem. It's low.

My ex was like that. I got to the stage where I wanted to record conversations like you as he was always adamant he was right until he changed his mind about something after two weeks and then I would be questioning all our conversations and think I was going mad.

He would always say the complete opposite to what I said and then make up a reason why. He is actually an intelligent person so I don’t know why he’s not aware he does it.

What has changed in his life since you got together? Have you surpassed him professionally? Have his friends? Is unhappy/unsatisfied in his job?

It sounds like self-esteem issues, coming to the surface now due to how he feels about his life. My Dad was also very like this - such a tedious mansplainer, and he admitted he always felt like he needed to prove intelligence to people. He also suffers from low self-esteem.

The only time this stopped for my Dad is when my Mum died and my sister and I were able to pull him up on it every single time.

But in your case I think either - tell him how it makes you feel. But, he'll likely deny it, or belittle you (as it will make his accept his weakness) Or say it's upsetting you so much, the only way you can see yourself getting past this is couple therapy (or therapy just for him).

XH was like this, never wrong.

Recently realised my DM is becoming the same - expert on everything, repeats facts back as if she thought of them first - aargh!

It's pathetic, really - he's trying to raise his self-esteem in really ridiculous ways.

Do you earn more than he does? Are you in a "better" job, one that he would like to do but isn't able to? Does he feel insecure at work and worry that he's going to be made redundant?

You’ll have to sit him down and tell him honestly how intolerable this is. Does he do it with other people? If so he’s making a fool of himself and probably doesn’t realise.
This needs to be tackled, because he’ll only get worse as he gets older.

Start taking the piss, make a joke out of it, every time you get in the car - oh has Bob told you to change your wipers, oh look do you need new wipers and keep going

The same with ninja warrior, put in on the telly and say 'before you mention it, I'm going to beat you to it - oh is that x' and laugh

*A friend and I did this with a know it all, we told him the capital of outer Mongolia was 'My Ass', he said "I think you will find it is pronounced, Mayas" then there was the time we told him that mathematically an egg is a square, he responded with, "Yes, a well known fact that".

LOL

If you have children I'd be concerned that he'd be trying this with your DC too. DC will increase his audience numbers. It's not great when an adult is trying to get one up on a toddler.

Well, you’ve made a clear point about your DH. The real question to be answered is if he’s prepared to change his behaviour? Some people are aware they can be annoying and will work to change it, while others aren’t open to that.

Obviously there’s something that has triggered this way of behaving but that’s not the most important factor. Talk to him when things are quiet, ask if he’s aware of it and explain you’d like him to reduce it. The next few days after that will tell you if he will change, or not.

I think you're just fed up with him. Run its course?

Thank you all. I definitely need to seriously consider my next step. Being a single mum scares me after growing up in a single parent household myself. My mum struggled a lot and what we went through still affects me today. I'm going to check out the single parent board.

We do have children which makes this harder.

His need to be right definitely affects how he interacts with the kids. If he's showing them how to do something he will, well, basically he won't show them. He'll sit back and only interject when they're doing it wrong. I rarely let this happen now because it can't be much fun when you're only hearing how you're doing it wrong the whole time. He does the same thing at work with his peers and subordinates. He'll come home and tell me stories boasting about the above - him sitting back and only helping when they go wrong because he perceives them to be know-it-alls (and no doubt wants to teach them a lesson in his own messed up way). When I tell him it sounds horrible and he could've handle the situation better he gets defensive.

In regards to our jobs - I don't want to be too outing so will keep his brief. He has a good/respected job where he's been promoted a lot. He's been doing it since he was 16 and it's fairly well paid at around 42k. I did a similar job but gave it up when first child came along as it wasn't going to work with both parents doing the same job. When second child came along, I started my own business which was incredibly hard but worth it as it's allowed me to work around the kids. I'm good at what I do and now earn £80-£100 per hour. I work 1-3 days per week and outearn him by a little. Obviously more if I worked full time. That may well be a source of resentment because, while I was building my business and asking for help with childcare, he'd say - indirectly and once directly - that my job wasn't a real job and wasn't important. My business and the need to do it with adequate childcare always comes second to his job/nights out/travelling opportunities/hobbies etc. He's always been resentful of my business but maybe more so now because of my earning potential. Perhaps his ego has taken a hit. He is very competitive so much so that I refuse to play board games with him now.

After a long think over the past few days, I've come to realise this isn't the sudden change I thought it was. It's always been there. His parent is exactly the same. In fact, he'll complain that his parent is stubborn, a know-it-all, is never wrong etc without realising he behaves exactly the same. In the past, I've actually said jokingly "that literally sounds like you" and we've laughed about it but I'm utterly sick of it now. It's getting worse and worse with each passing month/year and I can't stand to think I'll still be putting up with it in 10/20/50 years. I've also come to realise

You sound like you're perfectly set up to go it alone financially, bloody well done to you. Yes there is evidence that kids from divorce can have unfavourable outcomes, but if you dig into it, this is because of socioeconomic difficulties, which it sounds like you're not going to be stuck with. Its absolutely about how you handle it, and they can sustain as much if not more damage from being stuck in a miserable house with a toxic marriage for all of their childhood. It's not black and white.

Divorce does not have to be a disaster. It really doesn't, it was the single most freeing thing I have ever done, and I am happer than I had ever thought possible when I thought I was trapped at the bottom of the dark hopeless void that was that marriage. I had it in my head that I couldn't possibly leave him, it would break the kids, I would be destitute, it would ruin everything and I would just have to suck it up until they were grown. Turns out NONE of that was true and it was the best move. It took me telling a counsellor that it was impossible, and her saying, is it? You can leave him you know... for it to become possible.

The kids are fine, they've had their challenges, but no more so than any of their mates who have lived with both parents resentment and unhappiness.

I think once you've made this realisation the genie is really out of the bottle and you're going to struggle to put it back in. And that's ok. Good on you.

I'm not surprised you are so fed up he doesn't respect you at all and is jealous.

You and the DC will be fine

Just to clarify, as I worded it wrong and made it sound like being a single parent was bad. It's not. I was very happy with my mum but, as I got older, I was very aware of severe financial difficulties and depression. At one point she had three jobs and seeing her struggling day after day was hard.

I am worried about the financial impact of a split. I have the unfortunate timing of remortgaging and it's going to be £300 more each month plus higher energy bills, food prices, fuel etc. It's a scary time to go it alone.