Sad that having a baby has lost me my best friend.

[doggiemum247]

Not really a question but more of a search for others who may have experienced the same. I have a nearly 9mo. She's amazing. But she's hard work and takes up a lot of my time. She also HATES the car and screams bloody murder whenever I put her in it.

My best friend lives 30 mins away and doesn't drive. Before pregnancy, I would always go see him or drive, pick him up, take him to mine and drive him home again. A 2 hour round trip. No questions asked.

Since having my daughter I've obvs not had the time or energy spare to do this. He was good to begin with and took the train to see me but I get that's expensive and time consuming. He'd call me all the time but I hate talking on the phone so I've been avoiding the calls (I know that's assholish but it's nothing to do with him!). He knows DD screams in the car.

Anyway. He's stopped coming around. We rarely meet or talk. I miss him so much and I've told him this, we had a bit of a cry about it. But it didn't really change anything.

Today he posted on Instagram about hanging out with his "bestie", a guy we both know. I'm gutted. We've been best friends for 5 years and I'm so sad that I've lost him.

Anyone else had this happen after kids?

Ah, just started reading and I see the not answering calls thing has come up! We still chatted in fb messenger all day every day, literally from the moment we woke up. Always have done. The calling thing was something we started in the pandemic and always joked would stop once it was over but it spilled over a little. He knows I hate phone calls!

Thanks all. I have read it all now. I can see why you're all saying what you're saying. I don't think i explained the calls thing well enough or mentioned that we talk all day every day via messenger. I certainly don't think I'm too busy to be bothered with him now I have a baby but it is hard to drive two hours to see your friend when you have a baby who will literally scream until they vomit in the car. But I do understand that this is something that a lot of people can't understand the stress of truly until they've experienced it. I've even nearly crashed once because her sudden vomiting while screaming made me jump! I should also have mentioned that when she was younger I did make the journey to see him once he stopped taking the train at least once a week but the screaming was making my post partum depression a lot worse so i had to give it up for the sake of my mental health. He did know this.

Well, as sad as it is it does seem I don't deserve him anyway. Something to think about, I guess.

Man. Motherhood is a lonely place.

Ah OP I feel for you after that update.

it won’t always be like this. She won’t always scream her head off.

Motherhood doesn’t have to be lonely. I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time.

Oh and about leaving her with my husband or relative while I go see him: I actually did do this once. My husband called me within half an hour and all I could hear was baby screaming and husband in a blind panic because she would not calm down for him. I ended up having to turn around and go straight back (with best friend in the car, instead of us heading for our day out). Turned out she just wanted boobs (she's breast fed and very opposed to bottles). I have left her with my parents but they make odd choices like deciding it was too much effort to keep putting baby's trousers back on after changing her so left her poor little legs and feet exposed when it was still quite cold and she really did need the layers. It's actually gotten to the point where I get very nervous to leave her because I'm likely to get called back to an "emergency", which completely frays my nerves or I'm going to come back and find other strange choices have been made (even today I went out for coffee with my dad and he was holding Dd and tried to give her cream without thinking even though she's allergic to dairy, have I not dived in between his finger and her mouth that could have ended very badly... and he knows very well she can't have dairy, he just "forgot"!). I'm not trying to be all "woe ist me" but just for context, it's easy to say things like "leave the baby with your parents" without thinking about the fact that that's not an option for everyone... my parents are just really not careful enough, unfortunately.

You need to make new friends.

You don't need to chuck this friendship away, he has the right to find someone to fulfil his need for (quite intense sounding) communication but you don't have the time, means or energy to give in the same way as before. That's just adult life for most of us.

Let it settle. He's got a new playmate, I'd assume without as much responsibility, and you will meet people you click with through your child.

But try and stay in touch with each other, make the meet ups you can have special and redefine the friendship as 'one of my closest friends'.

If he he's not willing to accept that, I'd redefine as 'friend for a season' and try and move on. It's sad though.

Thanks @GroggyLegs, that's good advice :)

Thanks @Skinnermarink for your lovely words, they're reassuring :)

Hi @doggiemum247 my GBF and I drifted apart after my first child was born. I did a lot of chasing, but 15 years of friendship fizzled out in a few months.

And my second child hated being in the car. 11 years later she still does really.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads I think mine might end up like yours too. It's been 9 months and I've tried all sorts of tricks and she just cries and cries. I've read all I can online and it does seem, like you, that some children just don't tolerate cars well and it's often just don't grow out of it. She'll start arching her back and struggling even when I start putting her in the car seat now :( I've tried to do all sorts of positive reinforcement stuff with her and tried to relax and distract her but there's honestly not a lot I can do. It's hard work, I feel for you!

Well if he’s a good friend, ask him to hang in there until you’re out the other side- which I promise you will probably come sooner than you think. I would be fine with this if a good friend said this to me.

No way I'd bring a baby on a 2hr return trip so you're perfectly reasonable to not be going to those lengths.

In a couple more months things will settle down with the baby. Mine started sleeping through the night at 1yo so I was able to go out in the evenings a bit more. Could you meet him for dinner half way?

She will also become more comfortable being with dad once she's off the breastfeeding. Regarding the allergy, I would be worried leaving her with people you don't completely trust.

I had my baby during covid so the first year was pretty restrictive in terms of socialising and I actually think it made things less stressful not having to say no to things or drag a baby somewhere they don't want to be!

Wish I could repost this 100x

Paths do diverge, you have just as many new parents posting bout how they have nothing in common with Childfree friends , it just happens.

OP, it's worrying that your husband can't look after his baby for a few hours without getting into a panic if she cries. I imagine at 9 months she is breast feeding less frequently now so you should be able to meet up with your friend for coffee and a chat if you met half way. That would then only be a short drive for you. Its worth a try!

My kids never liked the car as babies either- turned out to be travel sickness.
Could you take the baby on the train to see your friend OP? Or meet somewhere half way?

I drifted from my best friend of 8years when she had her child. We simply stopped having anything in common.
She didn’t have the time, money or want to do the things we usually did, and I had no interest in going to child friendly events.

Yes, same here. When she has kids maybe we'll see more of each other, but for now we are living very different lives. We are in touch with each other, and care about each other, but just aren't as close as we used to be. I'm always at children's stuff, and have no money or time, and she's always doing adult only stuff, and has lots of money and time! We're living very different lives now. And I think that's okay.

Make new friends.. post on mumsnet local and see what happens!

let him go, things have changed and you’re in different shoes now and need to walk your own path as a new mum.

change can be upsetting but you’ve got to live your life in the now with your sweet little baby.