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Original poster

Sad that having a baby has lost me my best friend.

67 replies

doggiemum247 · 19/09/2022 15:43

Not really a question but more of a search for others who may have experienced the same. I have a nearly 9mo. She's amazing. But she's hard work and takes up a lot of my time. She also HATES the car and screams bloody murder whenever I put her in it.

My best friend lives 30 mins away and doesn't drive. Before pregnancy, I would always go see him or drive, pick him up, take him to mine and drive him home again. A 2 hour round trip. No questions asked.

Since having my daughter I've obvs not had the time or energy spare to do this. He was good to begin with and took the train to see me but I get that's expensive and time consuming. He'd call me all the time but I hate talking on the phone so I've been avoiding the calls (I know that's assholish but it's nothing to do with him!). He knows DD screams in the car.

Anyway. He's stopped coming around. We rarely meet or talk. I miss him so much and I've told him this, we had a bit of a cry about it. But it didn't really change anything.

Today he posted on Instagram about hanging out with his "bestie", a guy we both know. I'm gutted. We've been best friends for 5 years and I'm so sad that I've lost him.

Anyone else had this happen after kids?

OP posts:

diddl · 19/09/2022 17:22

You've both been crying about missing each other but still neither of you cba??!!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 19/09/2022 17:30

I'm not sure why you had to pick up a grown man and drop him off again to protect him against train fares. He sounds utterly selfish.

WhiskerPatrol · 19/09/2022 17:32

Sounds like you need to make more effort. Doesn't your baby have a dad or anyone else you can leave her with?

Herejustforthisone · 19/09/2022 17:33

He was good to begin with and took the train to see me but I get that's expensive and time consuming. He'd call me all the time but I hate talking on the phone so I've been avoiding the calls (I know that's assholish but it's nothing to do with him!)

Well, I sort of think this is on you… ⬆️

MessyBunPersonified · 19/09/2022 17:33

This is on you. He tried, you couldn't answer his calls, so he stopped trying.

Shakirasma · 19/09/2022 17:33

You didnt lose him because you had a baby, you lost him because you cba to take his calls. What did you expect him to do?

Natty13 · 19/09/2022 17:34

If you missed him that much you'd bother yourself to pick up the phone.

I hate plenty of things and make the damn effort for the people I love. I'm sure my friends do harmless things they would rather not for my benefit too - that is what friendship is.

EllietheElephanti · 19/09/2022 17:35

On you OP

It's not because you had a baby

It's because you can't even be bothered to answer the phone

purpleme12 · 19/09/2022 17:37

I'm not sure of the exact timeline or details about what exactly happened but you said in your OP that you didn't answer his calls.
Which really stood out to me.
If someone kept doing that to me I would be really sad and think they didn't like me anymore

Mariposista · 19/09/2022 17:40

This is on you OP. You can get your partner (if you have one) or family member to mind your child while you invest some time in your friendships. Sadly, friends won't just hang about waiting until your kids are at school/uni/jobs and you feel like seeing them again. A bit of effort and compromise is needed. And as for ignoring his calls...pffff

PoseyFlump · 19/09/2022 17:41

@doggiemum247 I get that answering the phone might be hard with a little one if he was ringing out of the blue but you could suggest a pre-arranged time that fits in with your routine to chat.

Do you really want to throw away a 5 year friendship?

You definitely need to solve the baby car problem then apologise to your friend. Your little one will grow up fast and you don't want any regrets.

Cats4life · 19/09/2022 17:43

Are you throwing away a 5year relationship because you have a weird hang up about not talking on the phone?

Greybutterfly · 19/09/2022 17:44

Your making excuses. Your a shit friend. You don’t answer his calls. You don’t arrange to meet him. Your life doesn’t stop because you have a baby, get a babysitter see your friend. Get the train to him with the baby. Although if I was your friend I probably wouldn’t want to waste my time with you

FlounderingFruitcake · 19/09/2022 17:45

If you want baby to be better in the car you could try a convertible seat instead of the baby carrier- the ones for older babies that can rear face until they’re toddlers then you turn them forwards. If you want to keep your best friend pick up the bloody phone, it’s pretty odd that you don’t see that’s the problem! And providing you’re not a single parent, now baby is 9 months and presumably eating meals, even if you’re breastfeeding you should be able to get away for a couple of hours every so often to see friends without kids.

SecretVictoria · 19/09/2022 17:47

Happened with one of my friends after she had DC. Wouldn’t even text me back. Always had time for other mum-friends but never me. Or she’d text and ask if she could
call me between her leaving the office and walking to her car as “she was sooooo busy now she’s a mum” that she couldn’t possibly spare 10 minutes to chat.

Either answer the phone, or acknowledge your friendship is gone.

purpleme12 · 19/09/2022 17:47

My friend stopped arranging to meet me. I still feel hurt. And yes I was trying with her but I didn't feel I could keep asking forever. She had to make an effort too. So I don't see her anymore. I still don't understand why. And it still hurts

Despairingof · 19/09/2022 18:00

It’s not the baby it’s the failure to pick up the phone

Dery · 19/09/2022 18:01

Agree with PP - this is mainly on you but surely it’s fixable? Just call him now and make an arrangement to catch up.

Also as PP have said: you need to sort out taking your baby in the car. There will be times when your baby needs to go in the car and most babies like it. This is almost certainly fixable too.

thelastgreatdynasty · 19/09/2022 18:03

The not answering his calls thing is just cruel. It seems like he made effort.

purpleme12 · 19/09/2022 18:03

It sounds like it might be fixable too.
That is if you actually want to admit what you've done and fix it?

SweetLittlePixie · 19/09/2022 18:05

baileys6904 · 19/09/2022 16:00

To be honest, I had sympathy until the ' I stopped answering his calls' part. You basically ghosted him, as far as he's concerned. Perhaps he's taken the hint you maybe didn't mean to give?

This. Im sorry but from what you have written I also wouldnt wanna be your friend anymore.
Friendships take more than one person to make an effort. Your crying baby sounds like an excuse tbh. I know what its like, my DD also used to scream in the car. But you could meet up without the baby every 2 weeks or so near his place. And he can come to yours the other weeks?
Seems like a non issue to me.
I only lost one friend when she had a baby and she was exactly like you. Ghosted everyone because with a baby theres just no time for anything else. All my other friendships survived the babies even though we had them very spread out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2022 18:07

Stop crying and use your phone. Or accept that your behaviour is the reason he’s now closer to other people who make an effort to keep in touch with him.

Blaming your baby is daft, it’s not her fault.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2022 18:08

Honestly either a make an effort or don’t- of course it won’t be as constant but you can’t expect to give nothing to any relationship and expect it to survive

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/09/2022 18:11

baileys6904 · 19/09/2022 16:00

To be honest, I had sympathy until the ' I stopped answering his calls' part. You basically ghosted him, as far as he's concerned. Perhaps he's taken the hint you maybe didn't mean to give?

Yes exactly - if you CBA to talk on the phone, it's hard to imagine you care that much.

surreygirl1987 · 19/09/2022 18:43

Most babies seem to love being in the car. Can you try a different car seat?

Oh jeez. This is really not the point to focus on. And babies are all different - my oldest HATED the car seat, and even a 5 minute drive was horrific, with him screaming blue murder. My youngest loved the car seat.

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