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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People are unhappy about our relationship

41 replies

Aprilshow · 19/09/2022 15:34

I have been friends with a man for 7 months and we have recently got into a relationship. He had to tell one friend he met someone as a few months ago she told himself she liked him even though she has a fiance. He told her as the message was not getting through and her response was fair enough. He admits a few months ago he was flirting with her because he was in a low place and liked the attention (he regrets misleading her). At the time when she confessed her feelings to him he had to tell her he only saw her as a friend. Someone has posted a picture of us together online and she saw it and messaged him and said thank you for hurting her twice in one week, that her life is not great and that she will never find anyone else like him in her lifetime. It's like she is guilt tripping him for being happy.

This same woman was having some drinks with mutual friends which I have decided I no longer want to go as we will never be friends and she wants my partner. I have been told she has been saying bad things about me to manipulate him.

There is also another woman he has been friends with for 15 years and she has been grieving over someone she was dating and said she wants my partner and that she will wait for him.

I understand why they like him as he is a very caring man. We were going to wait a few months before going public but I feel stressed out now because that photo was leaked too early then these female friends are upset he has met someone and I am worried they will do what they can to split us up. My partner said I have nothing to worry about as he does not want them and that he has been waiting a very long time to meet someone like me. I have been waiting a very long time to meet someone like him too. I don't want to say anything to my partner as he may feel I am insecure and not any put him off though he says I can always talk to him about any concerns.

OP posts:
Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 15:48

OK so sympathy wise, she liked him so is obviously hurting.

Also, who us telling you she us saying these things about you? ...is it him? Because this whole scenario sounds a bit like it could have been engeneered by him to play you off against another woman (narcissistic triangulation).

If its not him telling you this...can you trust who the info is coming from?

I'd just give it a few weeks. It'll probably settle. Especially if she actually has a fiance.

CruCru · 19/09/2022 15:58

Yes, I was going to ask if it was him who’d told you all this stuff.

Frankly, telling a man that she will wait for him is quite a weird thing to do. So is having a fiancé but getting into a strop when some dude gets a girlfriend.

I’m wondering if your new partner has a pattern of leading on vulnerable women (you mention that he was flirting with the one with a fiancé). He has said you can always talk to him about any concerns … this implies that he knows you have concerns (or he wants you to have concerns).

They aren’t always popular on here but it’s time for the Rules. You are friendly, happy and busy. You are not going to get sucked into some melodrama as this is still quite a new relationship. If he starts getting heavy about how much all these women want you, it’s important to be breezy. You have other things to do and other concerns.

Raul57 · 19/09/2022 16:02

What you need to do is decide for yourself, hear what others are saying and think why they are saying it.
As they say, love is bline for better or worse
Best advice is often from parents but when we are younger, we always know best, lol.
At times people are just jealous and other times people could be right only you can decide.
Good luck

ExtraOnions · 19/09/2022 16:07

I can’t imagine that these women are thinking / saying these things, without some kind of encouragement from your partner.

Sounds like a man who likes female attention … so good luck

Wonder who else he has used the “I’ve been waiting all my life to meet someone like you” line too?

HyggeandTea · 19/09/2022 16:10

If he is unable to make it clear and public that he is in a relationship with you, then you are not a priority or exclusive.

Luckingfovely · 19/09/2022 16:11

There's a bit too much smoke for there to be no fire at all here.

I know it's a new relationship and you want to believe the best of him - but I strongly advise taking things very slowly and carefully.

At best, he's a bit of a dick, flirting with and using other women to make himself feel better. Even when they're taken.

At worst, everything he's told you is a tissue of lies and he's a master manipulator.

I know you won't want to believe that - but better to take things slowly and watch his behaviour carefully - than be chewed up and spat out.

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2022 16:13

He’s loving it.
If he really did want to spare their feelings (and yours) he would distance himself from all these adoring women

BiologicalKitty · 19/09/2022 16:13

I can't imagine any man is so wonderful he has two women chasing after him/pining for him/waiting for him/etc while (a) he's already in a relationship and (b) so are they.

It's all very melodramatic and strange, especially the "leaked" photo thing. It's really normal to share exciting news with friends, and getting together with a new beaux should be in the category of exciting! Why is it something to hide?

villamariavintrapp · 19/09/2022 16:16

Hmmm nah, his story doesn't make sense, so he's been waiting such a long time to find someone like you, but since he's been with you he's been feeling so low that he desperately needed attention from flirting with and leading on various others? No thanks, I'd keep looking if I were you.

coldfeetmama · 19/09/2022 16:16

Luckingfovely · 19/09/2022 16:11

There's a bit too much smoke for there to be no fire at all here.

I know it's a new relationship and you want to believe the best of him - but I strongly advise taking things very slowly and carefully.

At best, he's a bit of a dick, flirting with and using other women to make himself feel better. Even when they're taken.

At worst, everything he's told you is a tissue of lies and he's a master manipulator.

I know you won't want to believe that - but better to take things slowly and watch his behaviour carefully - than be chewed up and spat out.

100% agree with this

Tread very carefully here OP

DosCervezas · 19/09/2022 16:16

This is all sounds very dramatic. Tread carefully as it's looking possible he has encouraged these infatuations much more than he is letting on.

safetyfreak · 19/09/2022 16:20

I agree with the other posters, there something not quite right here. I would not be surprised if your boyfriend is enjoying leading these women. Its not just one woman, but two...actually three if you count yourself!

Original poster
Aprilshow · 19/09/2022 16:21

He never knew I liked him until recently and thought he was stuck in the friend zone. I agree, it is distasteful flirting and misleading people with no intention if it going anywhere. I had been told by a mutual friend she had been saying things about me and I asked him if it was true and he looked uncomfortable and said she said one thing but he left it at that as he said he does not want to upset me.

Originally we both agreed to keep it quiet as it was early days but he went and told people as he said he could no longer keep it a secret and he wants people to know we are together.

OP posts:
piegone · 19/09/2022 16:22

I don't know about other people being unhappy about your relationship but surely after 7 months you shouldn't have these concerns about to her women and him having to reassure you. Move on.

Shoxfordian · 19/09/2022 16:22

He sounds like a player; he loves having all these women dripping along after him

Bit of a red flag really

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 16:25

Seriously op, do listen to the warnings. Thers a type of mam who engineers situations to make you feel like they had other women's attention but they 'chose you'. To make you feel like you're special to them. And then...suddenly you're not. It goes from romance snd "I've never met someone like you" to them flirting woth other women right infront of you and calling you paranoid or jealous quicker than you can blink.

Those other women they may have implied gad issues or were crazy or whatever...they tell other people the same about you. These strange statements about 'being willing to wait for him' and basically sounding obsessed...yeah, that'll ge what he tells the next dame about you too.

Beware the man who puts you on a pedestal. Its all too easy to fall off.

Be careful too of men who string women along and then hurt them. Who admit it as if it's not a big deal. Who make lame excuses for it.

If they treat one person that way, their empathy is seriously lacking. And you are not safe from its lapse.

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 16:30

Also, just a thought but if he want so recently in such a bad place that he strung this engaged woman along...what has he done to heal from that before dating again?

You aren't somebodies plaster. If he wasn't emotionally healthy (cough, or rather, was moraly bankrupt) just a few months back, should he be dating at all right now? What has changed?

Original poster
Aprilshow · 19/09/2022 16:32

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 16:30

Also, just a thought but if he want so recently in such a bad place that he strung this engaged woman along...what has he done to heal from that before dating again?

You aren't somebodies plaster. If he wasn't emotionally healthy (cough, or rather, was moraly bankrupt) just a few months back, should he be dating at all right now? What has changed?

This is what scares me. He says I am an amazing woman but I don't want him to see me as some rescuer as I want a man who is fully healed.

OP posts:
Animallover87 · 19/09/2022 16:37

I couldn't be arsed with that. I think you should extricate yourself and move on. Not worth the drama.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 19/09/2022 16:43

OP, this has disaster written all over it. Honestly, so many red flags here.

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 17:06

I think I'd be wary he was a love bomber op
Always trust your instincts. If they're telling you something is up, something is most probably up.

I think I would check how he reacts to the word 'no'. Eg: "no, I don't want to hang out tomorrow, I need a me-day'. Does he accept that? Or does he show up or perhaps, constantly text you all that day.

Basically just be on the watch for other red flags. Boundaries being ignored ir pushed, calling or nakkng out that other women in his life/past are crazy/dramatic/obsessed with him ect...

Phrases like 'I've never jet anyone like you before' and 'you are the only kne who understands me'

Maybe name dropping other women into the convo like he her. In order to make you feel uneasy and as if you could have 'competition'.

Hard life stories/victim mentality ect...

Just...keep watch

Wanmoreday · 19/09/2022 17:08

Fs lol

*making out
*met anyone
*only one

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/09/2022 17:21

I'd like the join the queue for a man this amazingly popular catch. I'll wait too if he's that fantastic!!!!

All joking aside, this sounds far too excessively dramatic for a new relationship. He obviously has a fairly big ego and thinks he's God's gift to woman.

Ignoring that, he has told you that he deals with being low by flirting with non single woman. There will be highs and lows in your relationship. If he's low again, he's basically told you he will go seek attention elsewhere.

You're already avoiding social situations and second guessing yourself and this is only the start. Swap him for a more mature one.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/09/2022 17:23

This sounds like a lot of drama and that he is loving the attention. This leaking of the photo nonsense-it was him wanting the women who he has manipulated into fawning over him to give him more attention.
You realise that soon he will change from telling you how great you are to getting you to compete with the other women for him. Then he will start going out with someone else.

Azandme · 19/09/2022 17:29

I teach 16-19 year olds...

This sounds like them talking.

I don't know how you can be bothered!