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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Husband & Neighbour flirted with each other.

67 replies

Flash26 · 19/09/2022 13:25

we are married 20 years & have 2 children, we have a happy house and all seemed good. New neighbours moved in a year ago, a couple in their 40’s same as us. In the last 6 months my husband got chatting to them, about their dog etc, as we have dog too, he also loaned them a garden tool, so just small stuff. About 2 months ago we were at a birthday party in local pub and they were there, this was my 1st time meeting them, let’s call them Luke & Mary, anyway I noticed anytime mh went to bar, Mary would get eye contact with him & smile or go out of her way to brush off him, I didn’t like it but never mentioned anything since, Recently we decided to have a few friends, neighbours over for food & drinks in garden, my husband invited them. Well the minute they arrived, mh sat with Mary all evening, not making conversations with anyone else. Anytime mh went in to get a drink, she would follow. No one seemed to notice as they all chatting with each other. I knew by their body language they liked each other. Anyway I went upstairs to sort a bed out as my friend was staying over, I could hear them talking in the hall, mh saying how he loves her bum & dreams about her, she saying ‘oh really we have to do something about this as I think your gorgeous’, well I just cried upstairs. When I came down they were out the back, I didn’t say anything , didn’t know what to do, Luke then said to Mary they are going home & she didn’t want to go, eventually they left, mh was very drunk at this stage so I told him to go to bed. Next Morning I told mh what I heard and he says he can’t remember anything, told him to leave, he’s back now in the box room, he is very very remorseful etc. He tells he has no interest in her and that he doesn’t understand why he would of said all that, just don’t know what to do, was something going on prior to this night …. As they seemed quite comfortable with each other when they were chatting all evening….

OP posts:
hardboiledeggs · 22/09/2022 10:56

What a terrible situation for you to be in. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. I don't know what I would do in your situation but I couldn't trust my DH after that.

George1984 · 22/09/2022 11:05

How absolutely sodding awful for you, what an absolute arse your husband and this ow are.
Personally I'd invite Luke and Mary over for drinks/dinner without telling hubby then embarrass the pair of them by telling Luke exactly what you heard in!

JellyJaba · 22/09/2022 11:10

George1984 · 22/09/2022 11:05

How absolutely sodding awful for you, what an absolute arse your husband and this ow are.
Personally I'd invite Luke and Mary over for drinks/dinner without telling hubby then embarrass the pair of them by telling Luke exactly what you heard in!

Absolutely agree

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/09/2022 19:37

@5128gap Actually I think Mary would be too busy trying to explain to her own H wtf was going on, and backpeddling like fury. Her own H would then be put on his guard and hopefully Luke would be so embarrassed he fecked off for good. OP can in no way want someone like this in her life, so to blow up the who shitshow would at least give her the satisfaction of knowing Luke and mary wouldnt be carrying on quietly behind the Hs back.

There as lot to be said for burning bridges and refusing to go quietly.
Alternatively she can slip quietly and miserably away back to her parents leaving the love birds to shag behind the Husbands back. nah.

feckoffbrian · 22/09/2022 19:41

I would just tell Mary's husband.

No one just says things like that without a build up.

MsDogLady · 22/09/2022 22:29

Flash, I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you’ve gained some clarity.

Your H has been using the Script to (1) blame the alcohol (2) deny his interest in Mary and (3) only admit to what you already know—that he interacted with her on those 3 occasions. He’s stonewalling about their additional contact/involvement.

As long as he refuses to be honest and accountable, you will be in a
false reconciliation, which will rob you of your peace of mind.

He’s counting on your sweeping this, but you would be wise not to.

5128gap · 22/09/2022 22:44

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/09/2022 19:37

@5128gap Actually I think Mary would be too busy trying to explain to her own H wtf was going on, and backpeddling like fury. Her own H would then be put on his guard and hopefully Luke would be so embarrassed he fecked off for good. OP can in no way want someone like this in her life, so to blow up the who shitshow would at least give her the satisfaction of knowing Luke and mary wouldnt be carrying on quietly behind the Hs back.

There as lot to be said for burning bridges and refusing to go quietly.
Alternatively she can slip quietly and miserably away back to her parents leaving the love birds to shag behind the Husbands back. nah.

I think Luke is Mary's husband?
See, much as I admire the spirit and absolutely think the OP should get rid of her H, with regards to creating a scene, in reality these things don't work out that way. If she goes round all drama or stages some big reveal, well, it looks a bit Jeremy Kyle for one thing, and not something everyone is going to take seriously. I can just imagine their reactions to an outburst like that. Mary and OPs husband painting OP as deranged and her playing into their hands with a big scene. Theres every chance Luke would believe his wife over the OP.

Aikko · 23/09/2022 08:16

MsDogLady · 22/09/2022 22:29

Flash, I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you’ve gained some clarity.

Your H has been using the Script to (1) blame the alcohol (2) deny his interest in Mary and (3) only admit to what you already know—that he interacted with her on those 3 occasions. He’s stonewalling about their additional contact/involvement.

As long as he refuses to be honest and accountable, you will be in a
false reconciliation, which will rob you of your peace of mind.

He’s counting on your sweeping this, but you would be wise not to.

This.

Your H is playing you for a fool.

charliee112 · 23/09/2022 08:37

I'd be ratt-a-tatting on Luke & Mary's door to tell Luke!

inheritanceshiteagain · 23/09/2022 09:02

@5128gap See, OP needn't go around like a loon. Just calm but seething 😂. Drop her bombshell to the two of them and walk away. Of course Mary's H may believe Mary over OP, but he'd certainly know there's no smoke without fire. If Mary is this blatant with OPs H then she probably has form for this, and her H is aware. Of course he may be so blinkered he believes Mary but he would be alerted. I think he has a right to know what's going on.

Flash26 · 23/09/2022 09:14

@MsDogLady your right in what you say, re using the script.

I want to tell Luke not to cause drama but I think it will help me going forward. I’ll be staying living here either with or without H. This way we will all know where we stand as I never will want anything to do with them again.
Luke may or may not believe, that’s up to him. Or maybe if he had any previous suspicion’s, it will all fall into place 🤷‍♀️.

This is the way I’m thinking at the moment.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/09/2022 15:09

Flash, do you have access to H’s phone? I’m wondering if he and Mary have been in contact since the party. He would want to warn her that you know.

Flash26 · 23/09/2022 15:36

Yes I have access, he’s has a personal & work phone and I know passcodes to both, he’s always been very open with his phones, I have checked since that night & nothing, unless he has a 3rd one, must check his Van.

OP posts:
PineOrange · 23/09/2022 16:10

Flash26 · 23/09/2022 15:36

Yes I have access, he’s has a personal & work phone and I know passcodes to both, he’s always been very open with his phones, I have checked since that night & nothing, unless he has a 3rd one, must check his Van.

He's not an electrician is he 🙄

Flash26 · 23/09/2022 16:14

Nope

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/09/2022 22:24

He may not dare contact her for the time being, and would have deleted previous chat. Are there times during the day or evening when H and Mary could have been connecting when you didn’t realize—stopping by each other’s homes/gardens, dog walking, nearby parks, coffee or lunch meet-ups outside the neighborhood, etc.?

heartbroken22 · 23/09/2022 22:36

I'd go and tell her husband in private!

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