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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband & Neighbour flirted with each other.

67 replies

Flash26 · 19/09/2022 13:25

we are married 20 years & have 2 children, we have a happy house and all seemed good. New neighbours moved in a year ago, a couple in their 40’s same as us. In the last 6 months my husband got chatting to them, about their dog etc, as we have dog too, he also loaned them a garden tool, so just small stuff. About 2 months ago we were at a birthday party in local pub and they were there, this was my 1st time meeting them, let’s call them Luke & Mary, anyway I noticed anytime mh went to bar, Mary would get eye contact with him & smile or go out of her way to brush off him, I didn’t like it but never mentioned anything since, Recently we decided to have a few friends, neighbours over for food & drinks in garden, my husband invited them. Well the minute they arrived, mh sat with Mary all evening, not making conversations with anyone else. Anytime mh went in to get a drink, she would follow. No one seemed to notice as they all chatting with each other. I knew by their body language they liked each other. Anyway I went upstairs to sort a bed out as my friend was staying over, I could hear them talking in the hall, mh saying how he loves her bum & dreams about her, she saying ‘oh really we have to do something about this as I think your gorgeous’, well I just cried upstairs. When I came down they were out the back, I didn’t say anything , didn’t know what to do, Luke then said to Mary they are going home & she didn’t want to go, eventually they left, mh was very drunk at this stage so I told him to go to bed. Next Morning I told mh what I heard and he says he can’t remember anything, told him to leave, he’s back now in the box room, he is very very remorseful etc. He tells he has no interest in her and that he doesn’t understand why he would of said all that, just don’t know what to do, was something going on prior to this night …. As they seemed quite comfortable with each other when they were chatting all evening….

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 20/09/2022 00:15

How awful. No wonder you're in shock.

Aikko · 20/09/2022 09:51

"I could hear them talking in the hall, mh saying how he loves her bum & dreams about her, she saying ‘oh really we have to do something about this as I think your gorgeous’"

Wow, just... wow.
Clearly he's lusting after her big time, and testing the waters to see if a shag is on the cards.

This is so disrespectful, and would probably be the beginning of the end.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/09/2022 10:00

I think it's safe to say that if you hadn't heard their conversation, they would have been arranging to meet up very soon for a full blown affair.

I understand why you didn't say anything at the time. It would be hard to let all your friends at the party know what you heard.

Give your self time OP. There's no rush to decide what you want to do next. I would tell Luke and Mary though.

5128gap · 20/09/2022 10:14

Kick him out. But don't tell Luke. These situations can easily escalate into someone getting physically hurt, someone ending up criminalised or worse. And it's not always the person you may believe deserves it. You've enough to worry about dealing with your own marriage without getting involved in theirs and making a circus out of it with staged confrontations.

LoekMa · 20/09/2022 10:23

5128gap · 20/09/2022 10:14

Kick him out. But don't tell Luke. These situations can easily escalate into someone getting physically hurt, someone ending up criminalised or worse. And it's not always the person you may believe deserves it. You've enough to worry about dealing with your own marriage without getting involved in theirs and making a circus out of it with staged confrontations.

This.

Whos to say Luke would even believe it? I mean esp if there is a signifcant difference in Levels of Attraction between OP and the OW (and judging from what OP's DH was saying to thw OW, it appears there is)

So the reality is that Luke will just assume OP is some jealous woman trying to mark her territory

Original poster
Flash26 · 20/09/2022 10:32

im meeting a good friend later to talk it through with her, it’s just so hard, i think I do need to say it to them though, they only live a few doors down so least Luke will know then why I’m keeping my distance from them 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/09/2022 10:41

Flash26 · 20/09/2022 10:32

im meeting a good friend later to talk it through with her, it’s just so hard, i think I do need to say it to them though, they only live a few doors down so least Luke will know then why I’m keeping my distance from them 🤷‍♀️

Other than the pub and the party at yours, you barely know them OP. You owe them no explanation for distancing yourself. Honestly, as tempting as it is to out Mary, you could be setting off a chain of events that will make the whole thing worse. It's also an unnecessary distraction to sorting out your own life.

SoaringSwans · 20/09/2022 11:51

You’ve still got him in your house when you’ve been dealt something like this?
And you entertained him telling you he didn’t know why he said it?

Some people’s ability to stand for being treated horrifically amazes me.
Are you financially dependent on him, is that what is giving you pause? I really hope not my dear. If so, I can understand, but you have a right to do some about this.

If it’s to be a slap on the wrist, remember you’ve just given him the green light to do this and more in the future. It hasn’t changed his life too much to behave reprehensibly, so there’s no real reason to stop.

I hope there aren’t any children involved.

Cheminaufaules · 20/09/2022 15:34

I would get all four of you together then repeat out loud what you have told this forum. You could make it cold and clinical, by asking them if they feel they want to have sexual intercourse together then they had better their partners before they do this. It might take some of the mystique and 'naughtiness' out of their fantasy world.

User110922 · 20/09/2022 21:58

Ouch. Married 20 years and he ruins everything just like that. I'd leave him. He has completely disrespected you and, if you hadn't called him out on it, it would probably turn into a full-blown affair. There's flirting, and then there's this. Telling her she has a nice bum??? Who speaks to their neighbour like that?

Him saying that he doesn't remember it would also be a huge red flag to me. I wonder what else he "doesn't remember"? Drink is a terrible excuse to use.

As for telling Luke, I'd err on the side of caution. I don't know what him or your husband are like, and the last thing you want is an outbreak of violence. You still have to live on the same street after all.

However, 20 years of marriage or 2 years of marriage, it doesn't matter. You deserve better.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/09/2022 22:40

fuck that . I’d be tempted to go in hard

kick husband out or into another room

and confront her with what you heard in front of husband if necessary

honestly if you don’t they are going to fuck
they will maybe fuck anyway

im really sorry . Does your husband have form for this ?

Original poster
Flash26 · 21/09/2022 09:03

He is in spare room,
No has never done anything like this before, he works hard and enjoys spending his spare time with his family.
I do think it’s lust they both felt for each other, maybe building up over last few months and then with a few drinks on them it all came out, they both seemed oblivious to their surroundings.

Its all very hard.

OP posts:
5128gap · 21/09/2022 09:50

Flash26 · 21/09/2022 09:03

He is in spare room,
No has never done anything like this before, he works hard and enjoys spending his spare time with his family.
I do think it’s lust they both felt for each other, maybe building up over last few months and then with a few drinks on them it all came out, they both seemed oblivious to their surroundings.

Its all very hard.

I'm sorry OP, but I can't imagine many men saying that to their neighbour without a lot of build up. I don't think 'flirting' is the right word. It was an explicit sexual comment. Unless he is very crass and vulgar with literally no filter, a man doesn't go straight into that type of chat without a fair amount of testing the water to the point where he's pretty sure of his ground.
Tempting as it is to put it down to drink, I think its far more likely they've been inappropriate together for quite some time. Plenty of opportunities to stop and nip it in the bud, which he will have ignored in a calculated series of actions designed to have an affair.

billy1966 · 21/09/2022 10:38

5128gap · 21/09/2022 09:50

I'm sorry OP, but I can't imagine many men saying that to their neighbour without a lot of build up. I don't think 'flirting' is the right word. It was an explicit sexual comment. Unless he is very crass and vulgar with literally no filter, a man doesn't go straight into that type of chat without a fair amount of testing the water to the point where he's pretty sure of his ground.
Tempting as it is to put it down to drink, I think its far more likely they've been inappropriate together for quite some time. Plenty of opportunities to stop and nip it in the bud, which he will have ignored in a calculated series of actions designed to have an affair.

Show quote history

I agree.

I wouldn't believe this is their first conversation of this type and I certainly wouldn't believe that he has zero recall either.

Damage limitation.

I'm married a long time and I'm trying to think how I would move on from my distaste for this.

I think the having heard and witnessed it is somehow making it so much worse.
Hard to stop it ringing in your ears.

Do not push yourself to quickly move on from this, as that in itself will cause you further upset.

He has disrespected you, your relationship, and in your own home, which is a real stinger.....

But if he has been a good kind husband up to this I would definitely think carefully about what you want long term.

Any further hint of this and his bags would be packed.

Original poster
Flash26 · 21/09/2022 12:08

I want to try get over this and give us another go but the trust is gone and with OW living on road, I feel it’s a impossible situation.

OP posts:
Aikko · 21/09/2022 12:49

I agree with others that this 'dance' between him and OW has likely been going on for some time. The comments you overheard indicate there is a lot of built up sexual tension between them. This doesn't happen overnight.

He's letting his dick take over.

Original poster
Flash26 · 21/09/2022 13:34

I know, it’s quite obvious to me now, there had to of been some interaction prior. He tells me, he only ever spoke to her 3 times - that night, about a month ago when we were in pub, and when he loaned her husband a garden tool.

I wish he would just be honest with me.

OP posts:
NotAHouse · 21/09/2022 13:41

LoekMa · 19/09/2022 14:47

I wonder at times who exactly decides which intern has to come up with these stories to keep engagememt (Ad revenue) on this website up. I mean these stories..jeez.

Engagement has dropped badly since the update.

MsDogLady · 21/09/2022 19:11

Flash, you can’t move forward without having the full story.

He has not come clean about the extent of their inappropriate involvement. He weakened his boundaries for Mary and crossed the line way before now. There would have been other meet-ups/messaging, as they were like magnets as soon as she and Luke arrived at your party, culminating in his defiling your marriage and home with their overt sexual overtures.

As much as you want to ‘get over this,’ you can’t move on without his total remorse. That would include: admitting the full story; taking responsibility for pursuing this illicit gratification; and providing transparency with devices. He also needs to contact Mary in front of you to definitively end their inappropriate relationship before going NC with her.

It can take 2-5 years to rebuild trust, and that is with the cheater’s complete honesty, remorse and transparency. As he is not providing these, I wouldn’t believe that he will ever be a safe partner.

Hyacinth2 · 21/09/2022 19:22

Every guest or at least every female guest would have clocked this.
I think you might have to move as the neighbour is too near for comfort.

Hyacinth2 · 21/09/2022 19:23

Ask to see his phone

PineOrange · 21/09/2022 19:25

Hyacinth2 · 21/09/2022 19:22

Every guest or at least every female guest would have clocked this.
I think you might have to move as the neighbour is too near for comfort.

I know the humiliation on this one is high.

Very disrespectful on your doorstep.

I hope her husband (Luke) is bigger than yours 😉

hewouldwouldnthe · 21/09/2022 19:35

I'd march round to Mary's house in the evening when she and her H are there and tell her to fuck off where you H was concerned and then tell the husband what they'd both said. Then flounce out. You owe neither of them a thing and this takes your control back. Fuckers the pair of them! (Her and your H)

girlmom21 · 21/09/2022 19:47

Even if you try and forgive him you won't forgive her. You're going to struggle living next to her.

He's clearly lying to you.

5128gap · 22/09/2022 08:09

hewouldwouldnthe · 21/09/2022 19:35

I'd march round to Mary's house in the evening when she and her H are there and tell her to fuck off where you H was concerned and then tell the husband what they'd both said. Then flounce out. You owe neither of them a thing and this takes your control back. Fuckers the pair of them! (Her and your H)

It really doesn't. 'Flouncing and marching' about warning another woman off your man is undignified and the epitome of lost control. The OP would make herself look desperate and unstable, and it would make it easy for Mary to convince Luke that she was just jealous and over dramatic. The only control she should exert is in her own relationship. Decide what she wants to do about her husband and concentrate on that.