Abandoned child

[Josie45]

Currently sat watching long lost family, absolutely lovely how people manage to forge relationships with their parents who they have never met.
How does this manifest when you were abandoned by your birth mother but she's still always been in your life?
Situation is, mum and dad had me when they were 23, split up, court proceedings, mum took my dad to court for custody, she didn't turn up, dad took her to court for custody, he won as she turned up and said he'd do a better job than her.
Always saw her weekends and holidays, when I was a kid I almost idolised her and her situation, she went on to have other children and I loved the pretence of the family atmosphere, its since all turned out to be a load of shit as you can imagine
But I hardly speak to her at all now, probably see her 2 to 3 times a year for presents because I feel like I have to.
I wrote her a heartfelt letter(possibly not the nicest) when I was 23 after having my own children to express how I can't understand how you can be like that with your children, other than that the issue has never been discussed.
I guess my question is do you move on and cut her out or move on by trying to make amends?

Gosh, thank you for responding but you've really shocked me, why treat her callously??
Not sure if I've not made the situation very clear, she gave me up, she didn't want me, it's affected my whole life, every relationship I've ever had, she wanted to move on with her new man and I didn't fit in.
She went on to have 2 more children with said man who she kept and looked after.

Sorry also to make clear she totally gave up custody, she didn't try, she didn't want me, if she'd of lost custody with a fight fair enough but she didn't she gave it up with ease.

I’m so sorry OP. No child deserves that ever. Hugs to you. I bet you’re a lovely, emotionally intelligent mum to your own kids and you’ve overcome so much. Keep going.

It's hard to feel unwanted, and hard when you see either parent move on and provide future children with what the didn't provide you. But you did have a relationship with her- your post states she did what we stereotypically accept male parents do and have lesser custody. Would you have judged your dad for being a weekend parent who had more kids? Have you asked why at the time she decided this was best for you? I can't believe she juts didn't bother her arse turning up, but had you weekends. Have you sought any answers from her so you can love one, either with or without a relationship with her?

I've reported this utterly shitty response

OP, my childhood was similar to yours, except after the custody hearing I didnt see my mum from 6 until 18

I have tried since being an adult for 20 years when she couldnt even be arsed to have a sober conversation and only got in touch when she wanted pity or money. Sadly, she is just a shit human being.

Save yourself the heartache.

Don't waste 20 years like I did, for absolutely not a shred of love or even respect back.

Yes I did have a relationship with her, somewhat disfunctional though, my dad totally supported the relationship, he had to drop me off and pick me up despite her partner driving, her partner- now husband of over 30 years was physically abusive to my younger brother and sister and I felt protective of them even though I was young, I think I wanted to mother them, partner was also sexually abusive to me, which I feel adds abit more insult to injury, she doesn't know this though.

I haven't directly asked her to her face no, I kinda feel the fact that it's an obvious divert from the norm and the fact that I raised it after having my children should be enough for her to raise it if she wants to?
Guess she obviously doesn't want to, that's the point I'm raising do I bother again or cut ties?

Aw God that is awful, if there's addiction issues it all becomes a 100 times more complex, my mum hasn't even got that excuse, but yes thankyou I totally get what your saying, I guess that's why I'm here asking the question, I know deep down but they bloody torture you don't they

I’m really sorry OP, that sounds tough.

It sounds like she did care for you, as she remained in your life, and TBH if she’d been your Dad, your situation might not be considered all that unusual (sad to say).

Do you feel she really didn’t want you, or did she genuinely think your Dad would do a better job?

I think organising some counselling to work through your very valid feelings of abandonment might be useful.

Same thing happened to DH, although his dad wasn't in the picture so he ended up in care, she literally just went into school after dropping him off when he was 7 and said she wouldn't be picking him up. He lived with foster carers until he was 16, still saw her on odd weekends & Xmas etc. SS tried everything to get her to "want him" because like your mother there was no physical reason she couldn't parent him.

He's 33 now & still in contact with her, we live miles away from her so he only sees her when we go back to our home town to visit my family, she's pleasant towards us all, but there's no actual bond between them. They could go a year without speaking but when they see one another they talk about the weather, TV shows etc instead of asking about one anothers lives.
I think he keeps in contact because he feels it's his duty in a way. He says he doesn't hold any anger towards her anymore as his life turned out well regardless of her.
She has zero bond with our DD either, she buys her little Xmas presents but she still spells and pronounces her name wrong, DD is 12 years old.
I just think she wasn't meant to ever be a mother, parenting was something she just couldn't do.

You say your mother abandoned you. Then you say that your mother had visitation on weekends and holidays. While that amount of custody time isn’t necessarily ideal, it’s incredibly common to be the amount granted to the second parent. It’s just that more often the second parent ends up being the father. We can say that fathers should have more parenting time than that paltry amount, but it’s really not fair to say they abandoned their children when it is what the court often offers by default.

I think she took care of me as it was socially expected by her parents, my grandad never spoke to her again after divorcing my dad.
I've never had the feeling that she loves me, when i had my children you'd have had to kill me to get me to give them up and thats with postnatal depression to boot, I just can't fathom it.
Awaiting counselling starting on the 29th, definitely needed thank you x

But it is when the parent didn't really try to get custody especially in 1980, back then any mother who wanted their child would have got custody, she called me dad to court for custody of me and didn't turn up?
When he responded back to call her for custody she turned up and said he'll give her a better life

Horrendous and I feel for him, thank goodness he met a lovely person like you, thank you for for showing me variations of this, could be worse, could be better hey

OP I am beyond sad for how you were left and you didn’t deserve this; I would find it hard to have any relationship with her and I wonder how she responded to your letter, as it’s really sad if she didn’t think of you more and try and heal things.

I can’t imagine how painful something like this must feel and my best friend when I was 8 was left by her mum who moved very far abroad and I’ve never dared asked her about it but I was stunned when went to her eldest’s christening how warmly she treated her - so I think they do have a relationship but I never remember her featuring even once in the years we were growing up.

How was your upbringing with your dad?

im so sorry about what happened to you. Just know there wasn’t a deficit in you, there’s a deficit in her.

may I ask, if the roles were reversed and it was your dad that had this custody type of contact, would you be as hurt?
someone would have been the second parent. Is it that you feel your mum should have wanted to be primary carer? If she had been and your dad agreed with it with no fight, would you feel like you do?

was he good as a father?

I think society shoves it down our throats that women are beacons of maternal love and nurture. So when your own mother goes against that, the feelings of rejection must feel damn harder.

your mother doesn’t sound particularly maternal as if she let her other kids be abused by her husband then it sounds like the only reason she kept full custody of those kids is because she was with the dad.

I think you should confront her face to face for closure. Whether or not you go contact after, you deserve answers.

They do and I think they count on your good heartedness to put up with it.

Its quite a shock to them when you finally snap. They don't take it well. But the sense of peace afterwards-it was very healing for me.

Good luck because I know it isnt easy

Have you asked her why she didn't show up for that court hearing?

Why did they split? Was there pressure or abuse? Mental health issues? She was quite young and the 80s were not a very supportive time for lone mothers. Did she have somewhere for you to live? Maybe she genuinely felt that you would have a better life with your dad, that he had more money, more support. She was always there in the background. Maybe she felt it was the best she could do for you.

I think knowing the facts, beyond just that she didn't turn up, would be a place to start. I'd talk to her if you can.

I think only you can answer this. Have you had counselling? Missing out on having her in your life properly must have been hard. I guess if you don’t already know you may want to find out her reasons. Then it’s whether you believe her. When you wrote her the letter you were right to be angry. It sounds like she was a better mother to her other children. That’s not nice. If you want answers maybe approach it tactfully. But you don’t have to believe what she says. And you may not get the answers. But at least you will have tried, it could be a positive step.

Sounds like she was in a highly abusive relationship with her now husband. Did that relationship start before the custody hearings? If it did I would suspect many of your answers lay there. If you feel you can't speak to her, do you think your father would be able to give unbiased answers?

You say she 'kept and looked after' your 2 siblings, but that was in a household where they were physically abused by a man who also sexual abused you. You were safer with your father. Perhaps your mother knew that?

My Dad was great but he struggled with being a single parent, he was young and he hadn't really wanted children at that time, the story goes that she messed up her contraception on purpose.
I hadn't really considered how I would feel if it had been my Dad that would have left to be honest, but I would imagine it may not have hurt quite so much, growing up I knew lots of children without Dad's but never without Mum's.
Although I saw my Mum quite a lot this was only down to my Dad, I think he needed the time out, he was very lonely and I think he felt abit trapped in the house. He always dropped me off and picked me up, if it had been down to her to get me I don't think I'd of seen much of her.
I'm very grateful to my Dad for keeping me and me not ending up in the care system and my Dad's Mum was an angel and a massive part of my life, she was like a replacement Mum.
I've never had the guts to bring it up with my Mum, it's been brushed right under the carpet and she doesn't appear to want to talk about it as she never has, after I wrote her the letter after I'd had my own children we had a conversation on the phone but to be honest it mainly involved me telling her what I thought of the situation, I was very angry at the time, we fell out for around 5 years. We started talking again due to an accidental meeting where she was upset about my sister, it was never discussed again.
But yes I guess I do need closure, I don't want to upset her but at the same time I do want to know why and I think I also want her to know how much its affected me, it's even affected my children.

I haven't asked her why she didn't turn up no, they split because she was having an affair with her now husband. I know she's had depression but I think that was later on in life. I honestly don't know if she would have had anywhere for me to live.
Yes well I definitely did have a better life being brought up by my Dad and I'm glad that I was to be honest-saying that last sentence has made me feel a lot better, thank you, I need to focus on that instead.

That's a good point, yes she would have been with him throughout the custody hearing as her and my dad split due to them having an affair.
Yes I believe my Dad would be honest with me, all the information I have so far has come from him, he'd told me things that he didn't need to, he is a very honest man.
I definitely was safer with my Dad, she did get that right, thank you, I need to focus on the fact that it did work out better my being raised by my Dad and not concentrate on her leaving.

Counselling starts on the 29th, I think I'll wait till I've had the counselling, just from the replies I've received on here I can see how I need to start looking at this differently.
Thankyou