Page 2 | Abandoned child

Josie45 · 2022-09-18T22:28:18+00:00

Currently sat watching long lost family, absolutely lovely how people manage to forge relationships with their parents who they have never met. How does this manifest when you were abandoned by your birth mother but she's still always been in your life? Situation is, mum and dad had me when they were 23, split up, court proceedings, mum took my dad to court for custody, she didn't turn up, dad took her to court for custody, he won as she turned up and said he'd do a better job than her. Always saw her weekends and holidays, when I was a kid I almost idolised her and her situation, she went on to have other children and I loved the pretence of the family atmosphere, its since all turned out to be a load of shit as you can imagine But I hardly speak to her at all now, probably see her 2 to 3 times a year for presents because I feel like I have to. I wrote her a heartfelt letter(possibly not the nicest) when I was 23 after having my own children to express how I can't understand how you can be like that with your children, other than that the issue has never been discussed. I guess my question is do you move on and cut her out or move on by trying to make amends?

user1471457751 · 19/09/2022 09:25

Who told you that your mum deliberately messed with her contraception? Unless it was your mum herself then take it with a pinch of salt, men often accuse women of this when the truth is the men involved chose not to use condoms and are ignorant around how often contraception fails.

Given she was abandoned by her own dad just for getting divorced and with a man who would become, or already was, abusive then perhaps she didn't think she could raise you. She may have thought she was doing the best for you by giving your dad custody. You say yourself you had a better life with your dad. She had the typical custody of a non resident parent, it's not like she left you completely. If it wasn't her then it would have been your dad in that position.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 19/09/2022 09:28

OP this is so hard, and so much to unpack here.

It’s impossible to rewrite history, and your feelings and absolutely valid and real and you must never be made to feel they aren’t. You deserve every answer to every question.

That said, as someone who knows none of the players here (including all the nuanced emotional politics between them), just a reader on an anonymous forum, it sounds like your mother actually did the right thing for you. She said your dad would give you a better life, and (most likely) he did. As others have said, if we reverse the genders this wouldn’t feel so unusual.

It must have been horrific processing all this as a child, but specially with the contraception stuff thrown in (always ask yourself why you’re being told information that hurts…for your dad/whoever to tell you this is absolutely unnecessary except to create an image of your mother), but her not actively, legally not fighting for you is not the same as abandoning you.

Can I ask why you haven’t told her about her partner’s sexual abuse? Especially with other kids in the home? (Obviously I don’t know ages).

I have no idea whether your mother is worthy of a relationship with you or not, but it feels like you are emotionally stuck on one fact in a lifetime of contact, and maybe there is another, very loving, selfless interpretation of that particular moment.

Good luck OP. Your kids are so lucky. X

BrassyLocks · 19/09/2022 09:33

If she went to the trouble of taking your dad to court for custody but then didn't show up, is it possible her new partner put pressure on her not to attend? Told her she'd be a useless mum and that you'd be better off with your dad? OP, I think there are too many unanswered questions for you to be able to move on or heal. I hope you and your mum can have a frank and honest conversation xx

Faithin · 19/09/2022 09:33

Maybe she was right and your dad COULD raise you better?
you saw her weekends and holidays which is typically what a lot of children see their second parent so I'm not sure abandoned is the correct word

BadNomad · 19/09/2022 09:37

You say your dad was young, but you need to remember your mum was young too. They must have got married even younger. Do you know what their relationship was like? You blame her affair, but you don't know the reason for the fair. It is too simple to say she was just selfish.

And her father cut her out after she got divorced? That is an extreme reaction from a parent. He totally abandoned his young adult daughter. Who then ended up in a relationship with a physically and sexually abusive man.

I don't think your mum had a great life. She genuinely might have believed you staying with your dad was the best thing for you.

You do need answers, though, but try to have an open mind and be prepared to hear difficult things about other people you hold in high regard.

NoPrivateSpy · 19/09/2022 11:46

OP, I think you're right to feel angry and betrayed. Your mother has done more than make a series of bad decisions, she has been repeatedly selfish and has never placed her children's needs (you or your half siblings) above her own. With pretty despicable consequences.

You have told her how hurt you are and she has ignored it. She doesn't sound ready to face this part of her and maybe she feels no shame or remorse. Maybe she only pities what happened to her life.

I can't see how any relationship with her could ever be meaningful and wouldn't stand as a reminder of all the pain she has caused. Counselling will really help, I'm sure. I don't know how you process the feeling of abandonment and rejection until you fully accept it

Original poster

Josie45 · 19/09/2022 12:00

3ShotsOfEspresso · 19/09/2022 09:28

OP this is so hard, and so much to unpack here.

It’s impossible to rewrite history, and your feelings and absolutely valid and real and you must never be made to feel they aren’t. You deserve every answer to every question.

That said, as someone who knows none of the players here (including all the nuanced emotional politics between them), just a reader on an anonymous forum, it sounds like your mother actually did the right thing for you. She said your dad would give you a better life, and (most likely) he did. As others have said, if we reverse the genders this wouldn’t feel so unusual.

It must have been horrific processing all this as a child, but specially with the contraception stuff thrown in (always ask yourself why you’re being told information that hurts…for your dad/whoever to tell you this is absolutely unnecessary except to create an image of your mother), but her not actively, legally not fighting for you is not the same as abandoning you.

Can I ask why you haven’t told her about her partner’s sexual abuse? Especially with other kids in the home? (Obviously I don’t know ages).

I have no idea whether your mother is worthy of a relationship with you or not, but it feels like you are emotionally stuck on one fact in a lifetime of contact, and maybe there is another, very loving, selfless interpretation of that particular moment.

Good luck OP. Your kids are so lucky. X

I was 11 so I didn't really understand the possible implications for the other children, as an adult I told my sister when she had children in an attempt to protect them but she didn't believe me, said it never happened to her and still let's her daughter go and stay there. His health is now too bad for him to be a threat to her thankfully otherwise I would have done more to stop it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Josie45 · 19/09/2022 12:07

BadNomad · 19/09/2022 09:37

You say your dad was young, but you need to remember your mum was young too. They must have got married even younger. Do you know what their relationship was like? You blame her affair, but you don't know the reason for the fair. It is too simple to say she was just selfish.

And her father cut her out after she got divorced? That is an extreme reaction from a parent. He totally abandoned his young adult daughter. Who then ended up in a relationship with a physically and sexually abusive man.

I don't think your mum had a great life. She genuinely might have believed you staying with your dad was the best thing for you.

You do need answers, though, but try to have an open mind and be prepared to hear difficult things about other people you hold in high regard.

Yes they were both young, as was I when I had my children, I was 19 so I don't really see it as an excuse for not wanting your child.
I can only imagine their relationship wasn't good or she wouldn't of had an affair, I don't blame her for having an affair, the affair doesn't bother me it's the fact that she didn't want me that bothers me.
I don't know why my grandad didn't speak to her again, I don't know if it was because of the affair and divorce or because of her leaving me or even all of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Josie45 · 19/09/2022 12:13

user1471457751 · 19/09/2022 09:25

Who told you that your mum deliberately messed with her contraception? Unless it was your mum herself then take it with a pinch of salt, men often accuse women of this when the truth is the men involved chose not to use condoms and are ignorant around how often contraception fails.

Given she was abandoned by her own dad just for getting divorced and with a man who would become, or already was, abusive then perhaps she didn't think she could raise you. She may have thought she was doing the best for you by giving your dad custody. You say yourself you had a better life with your dad. She had the typical custody of a non resident parent, it's not like she left you completely. If it wasn't her then it would have been your dad in that position.

It was actually my step mum, Dad's wife who told me about the contraception. She told me about this when I was an adult, I don't think she told me to hurt me I think she told me kind of as a defensive way in support of my Dad. She knows I've struggled with my relationship with my Mum and she's an extremely honest person, I think she was just giving me the background.

OP posts: