Coming to terms with singledom

[Hairymaclairy27]

I’ve read about single people with full happy lives saying it’s ok because they have their friends/hobbies or comfortable life (nice home/financially secure) and I wish I could be that person.

The reality is I have zero social life, no money or hobbies (can’t afford to take up a new hobby anyway) and so I don’t feel I have anything to compensate for the absence of a man in my life.

I’m trying hard to find positives … but honestly feel lost.

Divorced 13 years ago (am 46 now and feeling suddenly old - even though I know I’m not) and whilst I tried OLD - there’s no way to get a good picture of me. I don’t have any physically redeeming features (I’ve been told in a round-about way many times in the past so I know!) I would dearly love to meet someone but it’s just not going to happen.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom about how they found their joy being single despite not having the support of friends or enrichment of hobbies and interests? I’d never have the confidence to join a ‘meet-up’ group and there’s nothing suitable near me anyway.

Life just feels very empty and pointless. I’m not ready to give up yet … but it’s getting harder to stay positive with every year that passes.

Have you checked your local libraries? Book clubs or other meets. Churches as well.

Or just offer a hand with local town council putting up Christmas decorations or park cleans, green gym type thing.

Meet ups and activities don't always cost money and if you find something you feel positive about contributing to you might meet others who have the same values.

yeh I think the people who love being single either have great social lives or say it after an abusive relationship where being single is better

Does your job allow you to volunteer ? If so I would do that - it gets a different routine in your life and you get to meet others.

I’ve looked into local volunteering opportunities a few times over the years but no joy. They do have vacancies for drivers to help take people to/from appointments but I don’t have a car. The other posts are ones with no social interaction (treasurer type roles).

Library, museum?

Single life is great. Relationship life is great. Your relationship status isn't anything to do with your level of happiness, and if you think it is, then even if you did find a partner, you still wouldn't be happy, because you'd be relying on the relationship for it, and that would be too much pressure on the relationship.

Think about things that other people do that make you go 'They're amazing, aren't they?' Think about what you think are amazing things to do. Make a list. Start now. Keep it going. Make your list forever. Whenever you feel a bit crap about yourself, pick a thing off the list, and start doing it. After a while, you'll do a bunch of stuff that will make you wow yourself.

I did this. Now I give blood, run marathons, play the piano, and make my own clothes. I feel a lot better about myself, and I also met someone wonderful along the way, when I wasn't looking.

Your life can change, but you have to change it. Start your list now. It's not about having a relationship. It's about thinking you're great yourself.

I think it’s a rare person who would be happy single with no friends -humans are social creatures. You gotta go out and do things that will help you meet people. Saying you ‘don’t have the confidence’ isn’t the point - you don’t have to feel confident, you just have to do it. Everyone finds meeting new people tough, but it’s the only way.

There will be a volunteer bureau in your nearest town, so join that to start - it’s easier to meet people when you have something to do. Try one thing - don’t like it? - then try another thing. Tell them you want something that involves people.

It’s also worth looking for conservation volunteer work, you spend a couple hours a week helping to clear a path or whatever, you will meet different people, and it’s good for you.

Go and see your GP - talk about the fact you feel lonely and down - they can hopefully give you a green prescription, and maybe a freebie 6 months in the leisure centre - but either way you can join a green gym (outdoor exercise), you council also probably runs free health walks. Ask them to give you a CBT a referral - it will take time but they can point you to free resources in the meantime.

If you are quite fit anyway, join the local ramblers group, and / or park run.

If you have an interest in singing there is likely a choir, if you like reading there will be a reading group.

Go to the local libraries and cafes and see what’s about that’s free or very low cost.

As you gain more confidence - and taking action is the way to do that - you’ll build out to more things, but just take one step for now.

Try the CAB, they often need people.

Charity shops, homeless services, old people’s homes and centres, refugee support services, reading to kids in schools. Plus conservation work as above.

No friends at all? Or some friends you could try to see more, become part of their extended circles?

I think you need to use your initiative and be a bit more proactive.
Take a volunteering role, there must be some, join free groups, reconnect with old friends, PAY a photographer to get some great (or ok-ish) photos of you and get back on OLD.

Thank you for all your helpful and thoughtful suggestions.

I’ll try the local volunteering site again and see if there’s anything new.

Even if I could afford a photographer … trust me … there’s no way to get a good picture of me. Romance is definately out of reach but If I could find some small pleasures in another area of my life then that would be great. Just very hard with no car or money.

I've been single for a long time and am very happy with my lot.
I often hear couples say they have to work on their relationship.
Well you have to work at being single as well. When I was first single I was miserable, broke, no social life, my house needed huge amounts of work.
I got a better job, my financial position improved, I started doing things on my own. I acquired friends along the way, made an effort with some old friendships which fallen away.
The only person who can change your life is you. It takes time and a bit of effort.
Good luck

As others have said the issue here OP is you are lacking the basics of human contentment - friends/ connection - take the first steps towards restoring those things.

You can definitely change your life - have you looked at volunteering in a food bank? Getting a part time job over weekends in a pub or cafe?

Go on Meet up? Join a local walking group?

@waterrat I’ve tried looking for volunteering roles in the past with no joy but am going to try again and see if anything new has come up.

The only social groups near me are running and cycling groups which are no good for me.

It might seem like I’m not making an effort but I’ve spent the last 13 years searching for ways to try to bring some joy into my life. I guess I’m just weary of the constant searching and loneliness.

You need to be happy and content in yourself though, and not be relying on a man to bring that happiness. If you do meet a man and he asks you what do you enjoy doing, your interests, what will you tell him? And your neediness will make you vulnerable to being treated badly. I don't understand also why you say you have no interests, do you not like films, books, music, TV series?

Where are you based?

Lots of hobbies don't cost much, people go running, do yoga on YouTube, grow plants or flowers on their windowsills, even do jigsaws or crafts. You have access to the Internet and so much information and inspiration if you are curious and want to learn new things. People even go back to education part time with the OU for instance. I cannot understand your negative attitude and it would really put me off a potential partner.

Would it be possible to move to an area where you don’t need to drive, are near public transport or can walk/cycle to activities? I mean you are young, it would be worth while I think to learn to drive/buy a bicycle/move

@QueenieL1 I stopped looking for a partner many many years ago so am not in any way relying on a man to bring me fulfilment. What I want to do is find some joy in being single.

I won’t be meeting any men in ‘that’ way. Good job because, as you say, I’ve got nothing interesting to share (hobbies/ interests/social life etc)

I'm sorry I misunderstood, but there must be things you are interested in? I'm single too, although I don't even think of myself in that way anymore, I'm just myself and now I'm older, 45, I can please myself and do the things I want to do without anyone judging or laughing or worrying it might put a man off because I like gardening and reading.

Start a book or film club. Post on a neighbourhood group or in your library or on MeetUp. Conversation will be easier because you just talk about the book or film. You don't have to do tedious small talk.

I'm in a similar boat op . I know the way to happiness I love yourself etc etc but I have lost the will to live . I know how negative that is but it's true . I have no motivation at all and I've become a hermit . Its easier to retreat under a duvet and I'm very much in the throes of the menopause which doesn't help .

You won't find any joy unless you make an effort to find it.
I know its hard. The first time I went on holiday on my own, I sat on the coach to the airport and felt physically sick.
It was somewhere I had long wanted to visit and a stepping stone to bigger, longer, more adventurous trips.
I never looked back.
Surely there is something that sparks an interest in you?

if you want to try online dating, just put a pic up of what you look like and see what happens. You don’t actually need to be a supermodel and I doubt all the blokes on there are super hot either. Lots of guys want to meet a kind person that they can have an actual relationship with rather than just a shag. See how it goes.
also, maybe join online dating but state you are looking for friendship rather than dating and you might meet some nice people that way.

What do you do for work - can you find some friends that way? Do you have any old friends you could reconnect with? What about volunteering work such as being a school governor or helping at a food bank?

Agree with everyone else that having nice friends and hobbies is generally what makes single life enjoyable (am long-term single myself). Also, and I know it's another cliche, I got a cat last year and it's so nice to have someone who is glad to see me every time I come home!

I have a few suggestions for you which may or may not hit the spot, I had to start socializing again after a while recently and these things helped me:

1. Buy a second-hand copy of Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway off Amazon, read it, buy a cheap notebook at the supermarket and note down all the things that mean something to you. It sounds like you are a bit stuck, and over time it has eroded your confidence, and I found this book so helpful in helping me see there were no bad choices and everyone else is not confident going to new things, and the trick is to feel the fear and do it anyway!
2. Get back into being a social person, by which I mean taking part in the community, I walked to the shop and chatted with the shop assistant every day, or said something to the bus driver or smiled at people walking their dogs or whatever. This helped me feel better at being social so it wasn't an all or nothing thing, and also this way you feel part of something bigger.
3. Do a volunteer job that brings you into contact with more people, not one where you are alone, so some of the volunteer opportunities near me are that two local community cafes have been set up, they need people to volunteer for them, volunteering in the local school to hear readers (need a DBS check), charity shops are always looking for people.
4. My mum has made lots of casual friends through joining a choir, that's a very popular thing for women and the odd man of all ages. Walking groups are also big in my area, the GP's surgeries round here have set up walking events most weeks where people who are either a bit lonely or need the exercise for health reasons walk together and learn about the local area- these are spreading everywhere and our local group seems to have lots of fun. Google local walking groups or local events, our council has a list and there's a huge amount of things to do and these are usually very cheap or free.
5. Get a pet. One of my friends who was feeling really lonely after a difficult few years has been transformed by getting a cat, they are best buddies now. Dogs are even better as you can walk and chat with people as you go, our local park is full of people saying hello.

I could give you some suggestions for dating but I think that would be too much! OLD is a bit brutal and unpleasant if you don't feel your looks translate well, but that doesn't mean you can't meet someone. Go up and down the town on a weekend and you will see that being in a couple isn't the preserve of only good-looking people! I think if you feel less lonely though, you can address that over time, once you have a life you like more.

Sorry for the list, you sound a lovely person and I was trying to be helpful!The number one tip would be to get the book (library or buy) though as it sounds like you want to change, as you have posted on here, but don't know where to start and that will help you change your mindset enormously.