Coming to terms with singledom

[Hairymaclairy27]

I’ve read about single people with full happy lives saying it’s ok because they have their friends/hobbies or comfortable life (nice home/financially secure) and I wish I could be that person.

The reality is I have zero social life, no money or hobbies (can’t afford to take up a new hobby anyway) and so I don’t feel I have anything to compensate for the absence of a man in my life.

I’m trying hard to find positives … but honestly feel lost.

Divorced 13 years ago (am 46 now and feeling suddenly old - even though I know I’m not) and whilst I tried OLD - there’s no way to get a good picture of me. I don’t have any physically redeeming features (I’ve been told in a round-about way many times in the past so I know!) I would dearly love to meet someone but it’s just not going to happen.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom about how they found their joy being single despite not having the support of friends or enrichment of hobbies and interests? I’d never have the confidence to join a ‘meet-up’ group and there’s nothing suitable near me anyway.

Life just feels very empty and pointless. I’m not ready to give up yet … but it’s getting harder to stay positive with every year that passes.

I wish I could offer advice but I’m a loner loved living on my own and now can’t wait yes I’ve challenges to face but I love my books and can quite happily lose days in them or favourite dvds etc, I enjoy company outside the home but my home will be my sanctuary from the world.

Just post the pictures and join the sites! There’s someone out there for everyone! You won’t find what you want sat at home feeling sorry for yourself, life is short, you need to live it.

A pet would also be a good idea if you can afford it.

@hagathachristie yes, I completely understand! Suspect I am peri-menopausal too which probably doesn’t help. Have you been to the doctor to see if they can do anything? I have wondered about this. I always used to feel like some kind of Peter Pan (looking and feeling younger than my years) and the last couple of years it’s like age has caught up with me. I know there’s no magic pill but can’t help wondering if (if my hormones are out of whack) they might be able to do something 🤷‍♀️.

@HilarityEnsues thanks so much for your ideas. I have a partly client facing role at work and you wouldn’t recognise me if you met me in that environment. My ‘client face’ is bubbly, friendly and confident! I love meeting people and seem to get on well with most … but it’s work and doesn’t translate into anything meaningful. I get on well with most of my work colleagues but they are almost all less than half my age so no opportunities for social interaction outside of work.

I think a dog would be great but simply cannot afford one.

I read that book many years ago and it is excellent. I am good at putting on a brave facade but inside my self esteem is rock bottom. I know it’s not all about looks but I can barely look in the mirror I hate the way I look so much. Hair loss is an issue right now and makes me very embarrassed and self conscious.

I can hear my self say ‘ yes … but’ all the time and I realise how self pitying it all must seem. Thing is - I’ve been trying to keep the faith for so very very long and have tried so hard over the years (most of the suggestions above) and I’ve ended up no better off. Still single, alone, empty. I’ve seen people I have dated go off and find their happily ever after; have seen aquantances build amazing friendships and I just think I haven’t got what it takes.

Sorry - self pity in abundance!

@Prinnny yes, you are right - and that’s exactly what I would say to someone else in my position. I tried OLD and didn’t get a smidge of interest. I kept hoping I might just meet someone the old fashioned way but I don’t go out really and, like you said, not going to meet someone sat at home!
I moved jobs this year and wondered if I might meet someone that way but they are all young and beautiful 😂.

Old isn't great no matter what - I'm not bad looking and I take a bloody decent photo but it's still shit trust me . !

Had many many dates , had some nightmare scenarios and 2 short relationships that didn't work out.

Has your primary place to look been online? Not everything is advertised online. Go to all the local community hubs: village hall, library, community centre, sports centre, church, supermarket etc and read the notice board. Read the local newsletter that comes through the door. Walk into whatever charity you'd like to volunteer at and ask if there's any vacancies.

I think a dog would be great but simply cannot afford one.

Cinnamon Trust or Borrow My Doggie

And shave all the hair off then have fun with wigs or scarves or tattoos.

After half a decade in a relationship I found myself single in my early/mid 20's (no comparison I understand) however having spent the first entirety of my adult life with someone else, single life was a huge challenge. I actively sought new interests tv and game wise, visited new places, got annual passes like merlin passes and at least once/twice a month visit somewhere new. For the last year I have joined Facebook dating which (not going to lie was abit rubbish) and more recently bumble which has been so far more promising. I have social anxiety so once I feel I have truly connected with someone I will go on a date with them, I've been on about 5 dates in a year, 2 were pointless, the other 3 the person lied about having a partner etc., I have been on one other since bumble and it is going well so far! Just step out of your comfort zone ie visit places alone like beaches/ restaurants/ theme parks/ theatres/cinemas etc. Don't be afraid to holiday alone and don't be afraid to online dae or friendship meet, you don't know who you will find! Yes I went on some terrible dates but I also met around 4 new friends who I talk to regularly and meet up with at least once every 6-8 weeks

Why are running & cycling groups no good for you? If you don't have a car, surely getting a bike and building your fitness is a way of making some friends, getting fitter and having some transport, which then opens up more opportunities.

I do parkrun and cycle. Both free. I'm 59 so no athlete but you don't have to be. I live in a village and there aren't that many social opportunities but I got to know my neighbours and this weekend have been blackberry picking and making jam. Cost about 60p of sugar. I'll take a pot round to each of them today.

I've joined a meet-up group for women of a similar age. It costs £5 for six months and then £1 per meet up, and the price of whatever we do, sometimes just a coffee.

And bizarrely, I've met someone out blackberrying a few weeks ago. He's a farmer who was feeding his cattle. He seems nice. It's good to talk to someone new 😊

You won't meet anyone sitting in your house, you need to create opportunities, even if that's just having a coffee out, at the same time, same place each week, so people can get to know you.

Even in my 20's I would adore this! Surprised OP wouldn't want to do the same! Most people my age don't want to go on hikes, visit farms etc.

I think "finding joy" is the problem. I think joy is more a side effect of living a life with purpose. I think when we feel we are making a difference in someone / something we get joy. It can be very different for different people, pets, volunteering, kids, fostering, religion, good causes. When we give ourselves to something we believe in, joy is a side effect.

A million percent this. What a great post - I'm keeping this for myself.

OP are you peri-menopausal? I can recognise myself in some of your posts: very negative, anxious and catastrophising. Typical menopausal energy! Do go to your GP.

You need to say yes to something then you can move forward. What about Cinnamon Trust to start with?

I might have misread your post then, because if you are confident at work, then you can definitely carry that through to a Meetup or something like that! I do agree with some of the suggestions on here which are to get your hormones checked out as peri does diminish confidence and also ask about the hair loss at the GPs. A friend of mine has moved to wigs recently and is much happier than trying to avoid social situations/Zoom and they look completely natural.

You sound like you have a lot to offer, it's just a question of finding the right place and time- I wouldn't go on volunteer websites if they aren't yielding the right type of opportunities, I'd go to the local cinema, local cafes, community events and see where help is needed. Parkrun is supposed to be great for that, even if you don't want to run.

@Tabbouleh you’ve just described me perfectly! Yes, I probably should see the GP. I’ve thought about it in the past but it’s so hard to get an appointment (and harder still to get them to take anything seriously) I guess I was just worried they’d fob me off. Well I guess I won’t know until I’ve tried so will call one day this week and give it a go. Thanks for the nudge 😊

@HilarityEnsues i’m a strange creature … I can be outwardly confident for work when required (but dying on the inside). I’ll inevitably go away from any interaction analysing and berating myself for being too chatty (I’m a nervous talker) or feeling like I’ve said something inappropriate. I just have no confidence in myself. So, whilst I can turn it on for work; it’s very much a facade. Hope that made sense!

Volunteering for parkrun could be a good call as we do have one fairly locally. I’ll drop the local group an email and see if they have any openings 👍.

OP, I understand your feelings. It’s hard to be upbeat about single life when you don’t have the social life or finances to fill your time. I think as others have said, there are lots of ways to improve the situation, but digging deep to find the motivation is really hard. I’ve only been single 3 years, but it’s definitely been the best of times/worst of times. The loneliness is hard. I’ve got kids so I’m not alone constantly, but have the extremes of solo parenting followed by being completely by myself.