This is my first post and I’m really struggling so I’m searching for some advice really. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for nearly 16. We have one son who is about to turn 6, a much wanted son after two rounds of IVF. I’m 34 and my husband is 38.
Last Monday, my husband seemed a little off so I asked him if everything ok which is when he dropped the bombshell on me over text about how he didn’t think things had been right for a few months and he wasn’t unhappy but he wasn’t happy. He said his head was a mess, and didn’t like how angry he was all the time (this has been a longer term issue). He said he needs to sort his head out. My initial reaction was to offer my understanding and list a few options that could help but he said he needed to think.
He has a few points, that I agree with; I think we’ve fallen into that ‘roommate’ situation and with my sons sleep issues, our sex life is non existent but from my point of view this is nothing that can’t be worked on. I think the additional issues are, his not happy in some things himself; work, weight, etc and he seems to have a negative view on everything.
This aside, prior to this things seems ok mostly, he would text throughout the day, pet names, generally good mood, we’d been talking about some business ideas so many things that make things so confusing and hurtful for me.
This whole episode has followed a very, very bad hangover he had on Sunday (bed all day, but he was still pleasant) and then following a visit to a friend who is struggling with a relationship breakdown and insomnia/depression - he went to help and seemed to catch it!
This whole week I’ve not coped to put it plainly, I haven’t eaten in nearly a week. Several times I’ve gone on drives, not knowing where I’m going only having to pull over having an anxiety attack, I haven’t worked (I’m self employed), I’ve just walked round getting fresh air until my son has finished at school.
My husband is clearly tried to make a change for himself, he’s not drank since (we’ve both been drinking too much in the week), and taking himself to the gym.
To his credit, he is trying to be a little bit respectful of me, makes conversation although awkward at times, sits to watch something in the evening, he still calls every lunchtime at work, he explained he’d deleted Instagram and didn’t want it too look weird he said he needed to stop the distractions. He also said on Friday that tomorrow (Monday) he plans to take himself walking in the Peak District - he said he knows this is selfish but needed to go. I said I never stop you doing things for yourself (he’s often on bike trips with friends etc), most the time I have to convince him to go because he used to say he felt guilty for leaving us for the day.
Yesterday, we took our son to National Trust house with a big playground and from the outside you wouldn’t have thought that there was a problem, maybe just a little bit more awkward conversation. I was a little confused at the choice of venue as it couldn’t have been a more family oriented place if it tried. It was incredibly painful.
Before we left, I had to ask him about a holiday we have got in the October half term, paid for and my son is counting down the day for. He said he didn’t know, and some more of the things bothering him came out, the sex, the fertility issues, him feeling he let himself go. There was no shouting on either end, it was a discussion. I explained I wanted to work on those things, that I didn’t want to break up our family or have him only see our son every other weekend. He was hurt that I had planned ahead as he hadn’t even thought of that. I said, well no because he’s thinking about of his own issues, this is new for me and of course, the impact on our son crosses my mind. Basically, he doesn’t know what he wants.
The holiday things is especially confusing for me as it’s my sons 6th birthday while we are away and only recently just upgraded the hotel, we were both so excited. I did tell him that although I wouldn’t be able to go on that one as he is the lead passenger, I would probably still look at going away with him to minimise the heartbreak of not having his daddy there. It’s unfathomable to me that he would spend even that week away from him, never mind it being his birthday - this man normally barely copes with more than a night away from him.
I guess my question is what do I do? Do I just wait around until he decides either way and in the meantime, being positive and happy and doing all the little things I do for him? And then if he turns round and leaves us I’ve just basically made it very comfortable for him while he decides.
The other thing that concerns me is that he is confiding in this friend from work, I understand he needs to talk to someone but this guy has a pattern of being depressed and negative and seems like the wrong influence. It doesn’t seem the best idea that they are trying to support each other when they aren’t in a good head space themselves.
I’m in so much emotional and physically pain, it’s sometimes unbearable. I have a fantasy in my head that he will have some sort of epiphany on the peaks and come home feeling that this is something we can work on together. I know I’m clutching at straws.
I’m so sorry for the long post but I don’t have many people to talk to and don’t easily confide in friends.
p.s. I would be completely floored if there was someone else involved. He works with all men, doesn’t work away ever, is home in the evenings on time etc
p.p.s This has happened once before, when we were just married about 8 years ago before our son was born. Quite similar, it ended after a few weeks and we worked our way out of it. He even booked us a weekend away and we healed from there.