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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perspective Please :(

28 replies

Caz891 · 18/09/2022 08:14

So this is going to be a long one but i just need some perspective / reality check. So much has happened with this situation I’ve lost sight of what’s right and wrong … Me and my ex fiancé broke up 5 months ago due to him not knowing what he wanted. I tried and tried to get him to want our future but he would always say he didn’t know. Alongside this he would continually like and follow random girls on social media - numerous times I’d ask him to stop as overtime this was breaking my self confidence - especially with him not being sure what he wanted .
He’d had wobbles over our 7 year relationship before but not to this extent.
Eventually he agreed to try but what I didn’t know at the time was that he saw himself as single - I was still sleeping in our bed at this point.
I found out he approached and messaged a girl at a bar and I also started to find out about him messaging a girl while we were still together. He claims it was friendly chat - but the reality was he’d only met her once when he dropped his car in for service - found her on social media and messaged her. I then found out he’d commented on girls stories with the fire emoji - although he was very coy about remembering this.
He was always snappy and never enjoyed our time together - nothing was ever good enough.
He still won’t accept my loss of self confidence Is down to him - that what I’m saying is nasty.
Now 5 months on , the house is up sale and he’s begging to try again. Says he owns up to all the mistakes he’s made. He can’t promise forever how we are at the moment but he wants to try and doesn’t want to lose me.

Im a bag of feelings at the moment and my self confidence is rock bottom. Part of me wants to believe it would be different this time but the other half of me can’t trust he’s going to change his mind again and I don’t know if he can stop his wandering eye. The sadness of losing what we had is starting to kick in as the anger dulls down.

He thinks I’m overreacting to him talking to girls - he said he’s a social person. I’d understand if it were actual mates - not girls he’s met once or on a night out.

I just need some outside perspectives please as I need to get some sort of sense in my head.

thanks

OP posts:
Bearsan · 18/09/2022 08:19

He won't change, don't waste anymore time with him.
You haven't 'lost' anything worth having.
Move on.

Isittrueornot · 18/09/2022 08:21

He doesn’t want to be with you. Sounds like his a coward and won’t tell you properly though.

WhenDovesFly · 18/09/2022 08:27

Don't waste your time with this one OP. He's shown you who he is. Remove him from your life completely, spend some time boosting you're self esteem and find someone who adores you - there will be someone out there who values you and respects you. It's not this current man.

cultkid · 18/09/2022 08:34

He's a loser and a nasty piece of work

I know you're hurting right now, I would be broke if this happened to me

Do not get back together with someone who has treat you this way. You are better then that.

You are beautiful and loveable and likeable.

Someone else will see that in you, even if you don't believe it right now. Get a partner who is respectful and loving.

In the future there will always be that resentment in you that you were subject to his bad treatment, it will show itself when you're under stress in the relationship. I don't know how I could move on. Not from the cheating bit but the whole "seeing himself as single" "not wanting to be in the relationship with you"

I would feel like his second choice or an after thought. I would be incredibly hurt, by the fact he proposed and then decided he didn't want it, more then the whole flame thing

Do you have Kids? How old are you?

Dery · 18/09/2022 08:34

No - move on, OP. You can’t stay in a relationship that demolishes your self-confidence. A relationship should boost you, not drag you down. This guy has shown repeatedly that he’s not the one for you. Don’t waste more time with him.

Leomii81 · 18/09/2022 08:38

Get rid of him he definitely can't be trusted. He's keeping you as an option if other women don't want him what a loser he is

KangarooKenny · 18/09/2022 08:41

He will not change. He is keeping you dangling for when he can’t get what he wants elsewhere.
Do not waste another minute of your life on him.

Redruby2020 · 18/09/2022 08:41

Someone can have feelings but still not be in it the way they should. Yes of course you will have a mixture of feelings but you are better off being out of this. He has run you down and it won't get better.

SummerWhisper · 18/09/2022 08:42

So he's trying to diminish his behaviour with other women whilst trying to convince you that he's changed. He's not to be trusted. You will be so much healthier without him.

Original poster
Caz891 · 18/09/2022 08:43

@cultkid thank you for your reply. I’m 31 and we have no kids together - we have a dog but that’s it.

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 18/09/2022 08:46

LTB

cultkid · 18/09/2022 08:49

Caz891 · 18/09/2022 08:43

@cultkid thank you for your reply. I’m 31 and we have no kids together - we have a dog but that’s it.

Well then I would say definitely don't give the relationship another chance you don't have any reasons to, for example for the sake of stability for the kids

You are young enough to find a new, better partner who treats you for what you are worth. You are worth respect, compassion and affection. Sounds like your ex gave you none of that.

Go through the ball ache of selling the house, get your money back and let your self esteem recover. You can still meet a new partner with a broken heart.

My husband was cheat on by his ex who he was engaged to, she had no intentions of marrying him for example. At the time he thought it was the end of the world, he was 26 almost 27 and thought life was passing by. I was broken hearted and had been in a very coercive and abusive relationship and I was 20 years old, I thought nobody would ever love me. I thought life had passed name by. We fell in love with each other even though we were both totally broken and insecure, next month we will be married for 8 years and in March together for 10 years, we have three amazing children.

At 31, the people who are single and looking for a partner will be looking to settle. They will have life experience and know how to manage a healthy relationship. You are nowhere near too old to find a partner and have children, time is on your side.

Leave this abusive situation, do the paper work, sort your finances and let someone worthy love you, because you are worthy too.

All of my love xx

Lsquiggles · 18/09/2022 08:50

He's already shown you that he can't change

A lifetime of this will destroy whatever self confidence you have left

Choose better for yourself and let this end

Jennisted · 18/09/2022 08:50

He's sorry and changed but actually what he was doing was okay and the feelings it caused you were ridiculous.

He just doesn't want the hassle of selling, affording somewhere else, actually getting women to date him enough times to get sex.
It's much easier to stay, especially as he's set the ground rules now.

StopStartStop · 18/09/2022 08:50

You've had the pain of splitting up once - why let him back so you can go through it all again in a few months' time?

Kick him into touch. 'Bye, loser' is a useful phrase.

CatHatSat · 18/09/2022 08:53

He has probably realised he can’t afford a home on his own and is now playing the script.

You deserve better than this.

I too would be broken if my partner was like this Flowers walk away

bathbombaholic · 18/09/2022 08:53

"He can't promise forever"

That's all you need to know OP. Move on, go and meet someone who can. I know your confidence is rock bottom at the moment but you ARE worth more than this. Sending you love as I can't imagine what you're going through x

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 18/09/2022 08:55

Stop wasting your life on this bloke. He's just keeping you dangling on a string. You were with him for a good while, but that's no reason to waste your life going forward!! You'll only end up single again in the future, better to just get over him now!

Suzi9989 · 18/09/2022 09:00

Please do not go back. Invest time for yourself. Seek help for low self confidence. 7 years already, don't be his emergency blanket any longer.

Be valued 💐

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 18/09/2022 09:01

You're his back up/safety net. He gets his thrills though chatting with these other women, and you don't give him that. If he has a wandering eye now, it won't be long until he has a wandering cock.

He's not the one for you, you've done the difficult bit, keep moving forward with the separation.

It's hard but a lifetime of being constantly on edge wondering who is flirting with shagging when his only affections should be towards you will be harder.

BeggarsMeddle · 18/09/2022 09:14

If you change your mind, cancel the house sale, and give him another chance I think you'll be posting on here in two years time and it will be the same history but with a paragraph about how you were going to sell the house but gave him a second chance and he didn't change.

Choconut · 18/09/2022 09:27

One 'chance' is too many and a thousand will never be enough. This person is only even going to mess you around.

pastacaring · 18/09/2022 09:37

BeggarsMeddle · 18/09/2022 09:14

If you change your mind, cancel the house sale, and give him another chance I think you'll be posting on here in two years time and it will be the same history but with a paragraph about how you were going to sell the house but gave him a second chance and he didn't change.

This

Opaljewel · 18/09/2022 11:36

You would be an absolute fool to put up with any further seconds of this.

He won't change he isn't trustworthy. Don't look backwards, you're not going that way.

alwaysmovingforwards · 18/09/2022 11:48

He sounds below average, he's now squirming that his home life is changing and he cba with change - so the promises begin.

If you stay, you'll only have yourself to blame if life hasn't improved this time next year.

As the phrase goes.. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

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