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Original poster

Husband’s relationship with my sister

47 replies

OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:35

Can I have some perspective on this please - My DS has an issue with alcohol and when she has had a drink she is a nasty drunk - if I am present a lot of the time she makes little digs at me and puts me down which has always upset my DH - it upsets him more that I don’t stand up for myself. At the end of the day she is my DS and I know what she says is no reflection on me, more on herself.
Despite all of this, my DS still used to come to our house and have dinner and even stay the night sometimes, when she had a drink she would put me down again and one night she said that my DH was an asshole (in front of him) - I told her that she had had too much to drink and that it was best if she went to bed before she said something she would really regret! I think it was good of my DH to even let her stay after that.
Fast forward 10+ years and nothing has changed, she lived abroad for 7 years so we didn’t have any issues - we are planning on having a house party and my DH has said that he doesn’t want me to invite my DS!! I agree that her behaviour has been really hurtful but I know this will really damage my family as it will cause friction and will also upset my Mum and Dad. WWYD?

OP posts:
NotDonna · 17/09/2022 21:40

I think that’s fair enough. Sounds like she’ll spoil the party. Can she not drink? Maybe it’s time she realised that she’s a nasty drunk and be alcohol free for a while.

TedMullins · 17/09/2022 21:40

I’m with your husband. Just because she’s your sister doesn’t mean you’re obliged to put up with her nastiness. You don’t have to have a relationship with her if you don’t want. Clearly you do want to but you can’t ask the same of your husband. I wouldn’t want someone in my house who’d called me an asshole either.

Technophobic · 17/09/2022 21:42

If she wasn’t your sister would you invite someone so nasty to your house?

Wherearemymarbles · 17/09/2022 21:42

my brother is very much like you sis. He hasnt set foot in our house for 10 years and I couldn’t give a flying fuck it upsets the wider family.

your sis is the arsehole and your DH is correct.
more fool you if you invite her

Speakingofdinosaurs · 17/09/2022 21:42

Who are you planning on inviting to your party - is it family or friends?

Smilingwithfangs · 17/09/2022 21:43

Have you seen her since she got back? If so and she’s been fine then I’d perhaps risk it but if you have no reason to think she’s changed and she has never apologised I wouldn’t invite her.
Imagine this scenario and it was your DH’s brother- how would you feel about him coming over if he had previously called you a bitch?

Googlecanthelpme · 17/09/2022 21:45

Why should you be allowed to invite someone into your house who openly verbally abuses your husband?

Doesnt matter who it is I would never allow someone to talk to my DP like that, and in my house??? No way.

get a grip, she’s an alcoholic. So what if it upsets your family, don’t they care that she’s a nasty piece of work?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 21:46

If you take the side of your abusive sister over your husband on this, you are making a huge, huge mistake. If the shoe were on the other foot....

PermanentTemporary · 17/09/2022 21:46

Mmm. You said it was good of your dh to let her stay but it doesn't really sound like you believe it. Because, really, why should he host her again?

I have a loving but occasionally tricky relationship with my sister, and am very much in the camp that I will forgive if not forget anything in our relationship because she is essential to me (I fully accept she has a lot to put up with from me, probably more than I do). But she's not his sister. He's presumably not saying you can't see her or anything, he just doesn't want to be around her when she's going to drink.

What about an event which doesn't involve drinking - a breakfast or a picnic? Would he be willing to host her then? Or is it that he just doesn't want her around at all?

butterfliedtwo · 17/09/2022 21:46

I'm with him, she sounds nasty. It's his house too.

FinallyHere · 17/09/2022 21:48

My more important to have your husband back than pander to a sister who behaves in the way you have described.

legalseagull · 17/09/2022 21:49

I'm with him. I'd say to her "sorry you've not been invited but there's going to be a lot of drink and we don't want it to end up like last time.

Original poster
OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:50

Thanks all, I think I just needed some clarity - it’s soo hard, she is my sister at the end of the day and yes we all know she has a problem with alcohol but I am being made to feel like we are in the wrong for not inviting her.
I have explained to my parents that after what she said years ago and hasn’t apologised and all the digs at me everything time I see her that we would rather not invite her - but they still think I am in the wrong and are saying that I am causing problems in the family

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 21:52

Your parents can think whatever they want, their opinion is irrelevant. This is your home, and your husband's, and your sister is an abusive arsehole. Nice of your parents to make you the one causing the problems. That is called gaslighting.

TedMullins · 17/09/2022 21:53

They’re wrong. they don’t want to face up to the fact their daughter is an alcoholic so they’re projecting the blame onto you. She’s the one causing problems.

Zuyi · 17/09/2022 21:54

I think you need to tell her and say she can come if she doesn't drink alcohol. It's possible that she simply has forgotten the horrible things she said people can be like that. You need to list them out for her.

godmum56 · 17/09/2022 21:54

they (parents) can invite her to their house all they like. The have no say in what goes on at yours

Original poster
OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:55

PermanentTemporary - It’s not just the drink now, he wouldn’t be willing to have her in the house at all - alcohol or no alcohol.
although saying that, I don’t think she would come out in the day … I call her, text her etc during the day (so that I can talk to her when she is sober) but she will only message back at night when she is drunk and then she tries to FaceTime (for hours) going on and on about plans she has that never come to fruition or lecturing me on what I am doing wrong with my life or my business - it’s all “pub talk” and it’s a bit much

OP posts:
Original poster
OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:57

Zuyi - when I have tried to speak to her about the nasty things she has said or done she just says “I don’t want to talk about it”

OP posts:
Original poster
OTRDN · 17/09/2022 22:02

It’s not just the drink now, he wouldn’t be willing to have her in the house at all - alcohol or no alcohol.
although saying that, I don’t think she would come out in the day … I call her, text her etc during the day (so that I can talk to her when she is sober) but she will only message back at night when she is drunk and then she tries to FaceTime (for hours) going on and on about plans she has that never come to fruition or lecturing me on what I am doing wrong with my life or my business - it’s all “pub talk” and it’s a bit much

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 17/09/2022 23:30

Then just have the party that you and your dh are both happy to have. Maybe just make it a party for friends rather than family? I didn't invite my family members to every party I ever had.

You can respond to your mum and dad if you want to - 'i have reasons for not inviting my sis this time, it's in order to reduce problems in my family, I'm looking forward to seeing her soon' and repeat.

caringcarer · 17/09/2022 23:49

When you drink to much alcohol your inhibitions drop, and you say how you really feel. I'd not invite her.

BadNomad · 18/09/2022 00:20

Can you keep your house party to just friends? No family. I know she is your sister, but she's not his sister, so he doesn't have to tolerate being abused in his own home. Not that you should either.

Cats23 · 18/09/2022 00:24

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 21:52

Your parents can think whatever they want, their opinion is irrelevant. This is your home, and your husband's, and your sister is an abusive arsehole. Nice of your parents to make you the one causing the problems. That is called gaslighting.

Agree.
Choose your DH

MsDogLady · 18/09/2022 02:33

OTRDN, don’t be manipulated by your coercive parents. Your sister abuses both you and your H, so you would be doing him a huge disservice by inviting her.

I don’t understand why you are answering her haranguing FaceTime calls. By tolerating her disrespect and boundary-stomping, you are enabling her alcoholic behavior.

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