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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband’s relationship with my sister

47 replies

OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:35

Can I have some perspective on this please - My DS has an issue with alcohol and when she has had a drink she is a nasty drunk - if I am present a lot of the time she makes little digs at me and puts me down which has always upset my DH - it upsets him more that I don’t stand up for myself. At the end of the day she is my DS and I know what she says is no reflection on me, more on herself.
Despite all of this, my DS still used to come to our house and have dinner and even stay the night sometimes, when she had a drink she would put me down again and one night she said that my DH was an asshole (in front of him) - I told her that she had had too much to drink and that it was best if she went to bed before she said something she would really regret! I think it was good of my DH to even let her stay after that.
Fast forward 10+ years and nothing has changed, she lived abroad for 7 years so we didn’t have any issues - we are planning on having a house party and my DH has said that he doesn’t want me to invite my DS!! I agree that her behaviour has been really hurtful but I know this will really damage my family as it will cause friction and will also upset my Mum and Dad. WWYD?

OP posts:

theonlygirl · 18/09/2022 11:25

I wouldn't invite my sister. Just because she's family doesn't mean she gets to be a disrespectful ass to your husband. See her separately elsewhere and your parents too of they don't like it. You're an adult, it's your home, your choice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2022 11:33

"Fast forward 10+ years and nothing has changed, she lived abroad for 7 years so we didn’t have any issues - we are planning on having a house party and my DH has said that he doesn’t want me to invite my DS!! I agree that her behaviour has been really hurtful but I know this will really damage my family as it will cause friction and will also upset my Mum and Dad. WWYD?"

I would not invite her and I would be telling mum and dad why as well. If they do not like it tough.

Do not put your alcoholic sister here ahead of your own family unit which will itself be disrupted when she turns up. You may well have a codependent type relationship with your sister and for that matter your parents as well (alcoholism and codependency are closely linked) but their needs are not more important than yours and your own family unit. Enabling someone like your sister does no-one any favours here at all.

lunar1 · 18/09/2022 11:38

My home is a safe place for everyone who lives here. We pretty much have an open door for visitors. I wouldn't have a guest back who made anyone uncomfortable in there own home unless there was a damn good reason and apology.

Nobody has any right to bring someone who is an asshole to your husband into his home.

Maybe it's my shitty childhood speaking, but everyone should have a safe space.

Penguinsaregreat · 18/09/2022 11:42

I’m with your dh.

QueSyrahSyrah · 18/09/2022 12:03

I'm also with your DH. I wouldn't be having anyone who called me an arsehole and put my partner down in our own home back over the threshold again, certainly not without a sincere apology and obvious change of ways.

She might be your Sister and you are entitled to feel how you like about her, but she's not your DH's sister so he's entitled to his own feelings.

My DH's brother behaved awfully around our wedding - not coming but leaving it very late to tell us and then insisting on being FaceTimed in throughout the day from his last minute holiday sun lounger like he couldn't bear to miss it (🙄), dropping out of the stag do very last minute and financially impacting the other guys, etc. He's never apologised or really even acknowledged it. Despite it quite deeply upsetting him at the time DH has brushed it all under the carpet now because it's his brother, but he accepts that I find it much harder to forgive & lets me set my own boundaries for contact / chat about him.

diddl · 18/09/2022 12:09

Why do you feel such loyalty to someone who treats you so badly?

BritInAus · 18/09/2022 12:12

You don't have to invite your sister.
Your parents don't get to choose who you invite to a party you are hosting in your own home.
You don't have to answer the phone to her - or stay on the phone to her - whilst she's spouting drunken nonsense.
You can't change her relationship with alcohol, but you can put boundaries in place when it affects you (and your DH).

pointythings · 18/09/2022 12:19

I'm with your DH too. You need to establish some better boundaries around how you handle your sister and the rest of the family, who are enabling her. You have the right to live without an abusive alcoholic around. So does your DH. That is a basic right and it is not trumped by 'famerlee'.

I suggest you contact Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends for some support on how to establish those strong boundaries, take better care of yourself and your family and change the way you respond to your sister to something that is healthier for you.

Can you tell I used to live with an alcoholic? Honestly, this stuff works.

Chdjdn · 18/09/2022 12:23

I agree with your DH; my sil can be like this and we don’t have her over much due to this. I think you and your family are enabling this behaviour and your DH shouldn’t be made to be the bad guy in this

2bazookas · 18/09/2022 12:46

Don't invite her.

Tell your parents that in view of her alcohol problem and personal abuse of you and DH, it's not appropriate to ask her to a party where there will be drinking, because this is your home and your friends and you refuse to have the occasion ruined for all by drunken scenes from Sis.

Instead, suggest you and DH will meet her and your DP's for a sober lunch on neutral ground at some other time. Where you can both get up and leave if she starts any abuse.

TooHotToTangoToo · 18/09/2022 12:54

Sounds like your dh has got to the end of the road with your ds and Quixote frankly, I don't blame him either.

I'd also say 'so what' if it upsets your parents, she's rude and nasty, why would you (or they) want her in the house. She'll ruin the party, you'll be walking on eggshells all evening and your dh will be unhappy

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2022 13:00

why do you hold such value of her-shes your sister yes but you dont owe her anything because you both ave the same parents

she disrespects you and and your husband i woldnt have her in my house

focuspocus · 18/09/2022 13:12

Your DSis is the cause, not you. Don't let your parents guilt trip you. It sounds like your DH put up with a lot before finally saying he'd had enough. Have his back.

Bedazzled22 · 18/09/2022 13:15

Im with your DH. Just because she is is your sister doesnt mean she should be allowed to behave badly. Be honest with your parents as to why

whumpthereitis · 18/09/2022 13:24

You don’t have to tolerate arseholes because you share DNA.

Even if not for yourself, consider your DH. I would absolutely resent being expected to host someone who verbally abuses me, and I would resent an SO who let it happen and expected me to put up with it.

There was a great post on Reddit about rocking the boat. Have attached.

Tinkity · 18/09/2022 13:36

I know this will really damage my family

The damage has been caused by your sister.

will also upset my Mum and Dad

They should be upset with your sister and only your sister. No one else is to blame.

You and your parents need to stop enabling your sister. You also need to prioritize your DH.

Crumpleton · 18/09/2022 13:41

I've been where you are. Why is it parents just expect you to put up with shit behavior from someone else just because they are a family member, very rarely is the one in the wrong told to wind their neck in. Your parents should be advising your sister to seek help with her drinking problem, but it's to easy for them to make you feel bad thus keeping her off their backs.
I'd not bother inviting parents ir sister.
I got so fed up with all the drama I've not had anything to do with sibling for around 15 years now...can't say there's anything I've missed out on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/09/2022 13:51

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 21:46

If you take the side of your abusive sister over your husband on this, you are making a huge, huge mistake. If the shoe were on the other foot....

This. Theres no way I would have her in the house if I was you, or your DH. Do not be manipulated by enabling relatives either.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 18/09/2022 13:56

I could of written this post OP.
I love my DS but she also can turn cruel after a drink and is very argumentative.
When family stay with us and especially at Christmas as I always host i dread it when she has a drink. It seems to trigger something inside her as she isn't like this when sober.
My DH turned 50 at the start of the year and we had a big party with our friends and I organised a get-together with family but he just didn't want it with them so I had to cancelled. It was awkward but at the end of the day I wasn't going to spend £££ to keep the peace. Ended up using the money for a weekend away in a nice hotel. Just us and kids. Always bend over backwards but hate walking on egg shells.

Thinkingblonde · 18/09/2022 14:15

OTRDN · 17/09/2022 21:50

Thanks all, I think I just needed some clarity - it’s soo hard, she is my sister at the end of the day and yes we all know she has a problem with alcohol but I am being made to feel like we are in the wrong for not inviting her.
I have explained to my parents that after what she said years ago and hasn’t apologised and all the digs at me everything time I see her that we would rather not invite her - but they still think I am in the wrong and are saying that I am causing problems in the family

No you aren’t causing the problems, your sister is. Why should you and dh have to put up with this. Your parents are condoning her behaviour by trying to sweep it all under the carpet.

Carlycat · 18/09/2022 14:15

You should be supporting your husband not your vile alcoholic sister

DoctorManhattan · 18/09/2022 14:16

100% agree with your DH.

She is invited as a guest, yet has been consistently rude and makes derogatory remarks. Why have you allowed it go on for so long? Why not be more defensive of both yourself and your DH?

I love my sister, but the first time she calls my partner an asshole or is rude would also be the last time.

If your parents are unwilling to see the right and wrong in this situation, that’s their problem. They are allowed to have an opinion but you are also allowed to set the rules in your own house. This may feel like a difficult situation to you but that’s only because you’re trying to find a middle ground that pleases everyone. That middle ground doesn’t exist. Once you accept your sister is entirely in the wrong here and you are well within your rights to tell her she’s not welcome to abuse you and/or your DH in your own home, this will no longer feel like a weight on your back.

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