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Original poster

Hit with another “don’t think we should see each other again, wish you the best”

68 replies

Juice764 · 17/09/2022 10:22

Okay so it’s much better than being ghosted.

But yet again after a first date which I thought went well, and I actually really fancied the man, I get hit with this again!
im getting tired of it, and wondering what I’m doing wrong.

The conversation flowed, we both took equal amount of time talking about ourselves, and he was so good looking. I can’t help but think I might be a bit of a catfish. We didn’t kiss at the end or anything and to be fair I didn’t really make a move and wish I did now.

I feel like I’ll never find anyone!

OP posts:
Yesthatismychildsigh · 17/09/2022 11:25

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 17/09/2022 10:27

Some guys premptively say sruff like this as they are terrified of rejection and want to have the upper hand. If that's a deliberate tactic its a red flag sign of an arsehole and you are better off out. But it could be subconscious.

Try replying "fair enough. I had thought there was a bit of a spark and was open for more but if you don't feel it that's totally cool. Best wishes"

That way you are playing it a bit cool and aren't begging him, but you are letting him know he wouldn't be rejected.

That’s so sad and desperate. Just don’t.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/09/2022 11:26

knittingaddict · 17/09/2022 11:16

ILikeHotWaterBottles the oo didn't sau she was a catfish fgs. She was worrying that she was somehow misrepresenting herself. It's more than likely low self esteem talking. No need for the nasty post

Yeah she did, she said she is worried she is catfishing. It keeps happening so likely she probably is. God knows how, looks or personality, but she just needs to be her true self. Don't like about personality or do those touched up photos where you look like a doll, not a person.

yougotthelook · 17/09/2022 11:29

Juice764 · 17/09/2022 10:22

Okay so it’s much better than being ghosted.

But yet again after a first date which I thought went well, and I actually really fancied the man, I get hit with this again!
im getting tired of it, and wondering what I’m doing wrong.

The conversation flowed, we both took equal amount of time talking about ourselves, and he was so good looking. I can’t help but think I might be a bit of a catfish. We didn’t kiss at the end or anything and to be fair I didn’t really make a move and wish I did now.

I feel like I’ll never find anyone!

It's a numbers game x
It's so disheartening at the time but you just need to keep going xxx

WeAreThePigs · 17/09/2022 11:31

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 17/09/2022 10:27

Some guys premptively say sruff like this as they are terrified of rejection and want to have the upper hand. If that's a deliberate tactic its a red flag sign of an arsehole and you are better off out. But it could be subconscious.

Try replying "fair enough. I had thought there was a bit of a spark and was open for more but if you don't feel it that's totally cool. Best wishes"

That way you are playing it a bit cool and aren't begging him, but you are letting him know he wouldn't be rejected.

NO!

NightmareSlashDelightful · 17/09/2022 11:33

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. This is just life. You’re not for him, and that’s okay. Better he say that than string you along half-arsedly or ghost you.

Original poster
Juice764 · 17/09/2022 11:33

To be honest it’s probably just my self esteem talking. My pictures are from nights out and days out, and yesterday I got ready very quickly after work

OP posts:
Sussex34 · 17/09/2022 11:34

If you’re genuinely stuck as to why this has happened a number of times, why don’t you reply to him saying ‘no obligation to reply to this at all but would you be open to giving me some really honest feedback about why? I am thick skinned and can take it - will be useful moving forward’ or similar. I would also be intrigued, if it was something fixable like photos not being true to life I’d much prefer to know so I could change it.

MarshaBradyo · 17/09/2022 11:34

WeAreThePigs · 17/09/2022 11:31

NO!

Show quote history

Crazy advice I agree

He’s been straight and clear, the op isn’t for him

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 17/09/2022 11:35

and he was so good looking

Why would the fact he was classically aesthetically pleasing have any bearing on whether he felt chemistry between you?*

I thought men were supposed to be the “visual” ones? Maybe it’s not so much he thinks you’re catfishing, more he puts less weight on adhering to an aspirational ideal of physical beauty and/or facial symmetry than you do?

I actually dated someone where I had a fantastic conversation with once, but, to be fair, she was also eyeing up every 6ft plus guy who walked into the bar. I’m 5’ 10” so wasn’t a huge surprise at the end when she said, despite the flowing and fun convo, there wasn’t a spark. To be fair, height preferences aside, she was probably right. I chat to my mates but don’t necessarily want to shag them, after all.

  • I know we each have physical attributes we find pleasing but that’s different to “good looking”.
Noteverybodylives · 17/09/2022 11:39

Do your photos look very different from how you normally look?

I’ve been on dates with men who I struggled to recognise because of how filtered their photos were.

I use good photos of me but ones that are realistic and don’t make me look slimmer or ones with too much make up and I don’t use filters.

If your photos are ok then it could be because they are only meeting up for sex, which many men on OLD are.
Many are already in relationships.

GreyGoose1980 · 17/09/2022 11:41

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/09/2022 10:29

Arrgh no, don't tell someone who's sent that message that you thought there was a spark!

This

UnconscionableSnacking · 17/09/2022 11:50

Nah, don't ask for feedback. You honestly don't want to get yourself into a headspace where you're considering modifying yourself to meet someone else's criteria for attractiveness.

It took me a really, really, way-too-long time to learn that trying to be more appealing to others squashed my own sense of identity.

Make sure you have the real fundamental basics covered - you are showered, no bad breath or BO, and are wearing clean clothes. You don't need to ask for feedback about any of that, you can definitely sort that yourself, or ask a close friend.

For everything else, it isn't a good idea to try to get someone else's opinion on how you could be 'better'. You need to take your own genuine personality and style with you on all your dates, not someone else's version of those things.

If someone doesn't like you for who you really are, they aren't a person you'll be happy with in the long run. Plus it will come back to bite you later, if you realise you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't know the real you. That's a much lonelier place to be than not being in a relationship at all.

As PP said - it's a numbers game. This one didn't work out. But eventually you'll meet someone where it will just work out beautifully Flowers

ChronicOverthinkr · 17/09/2022 12:10

Try replying "fair enough. I had thought there was a bit of a spark and was open for more but if you don't feel it that's totally cool. Best wishes"

Def do not do this 😳

Octomore · 17/09/2022 12:10

pompomdaisy · 17/09/2022 11:22

Who wouldn't use flattering photos though op?

There is a difference between flattering and just plain unrealistic though. I don't know where the OP's photos are on that scale, but an honest friend should be able to tell her.

As a rule of thumb, if a photo was taken more than 4 years ago, or when you were a different weight to your current weight, it's probably not one you should use.

Hellohah · 17/09/2022 12:18

I'm just going to comment on the photos thing, because it's hard to know what works.

I don't use filters, have some with and without make up. Every single person I've met on online dating says I look better in real life. I think I look good in the photos, but clearly not 😂. Ask others.

I'm usually the one who doesn't want to meet up again. It's always a variety of things. I don't like too keen but I can be keen myself, it can be a random comment that plays on my mind. I sometimes really enjoy the date but the day after the excitement of seeing them again isn't there.

A few people have asked me, and I've always been honest. But the person that ghosted me didn't tell me why, so maybe it's different with men. I would ask, I did ask. Someone else that wasn't him might answer and you've nothing to lose if be ain't going to answer anyway.

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 12:21

A friend of a friend of mine uses only face photos and from flattering angles to hide the fact she is morbidly obese. She is gorgeous, lovely teeth, glowing skin and shiny hair, very well turned out. I can absolutely see why men would be attracted to her and want to go on a date but the fact is, she struggles to walk because of her size. If I met up with someone for a date to find they had hidden this it would massively put me off. Better to be honest and go out with people who like you for you.

WatieKatie · 17/09/2022 12:22

Unfortunately OP this is OLD for you. Absolutely nothing you have done wrong, the chemistry just wasn’t there for him. Wish him the best and move on to the next.

When I tried OLD I didn’t meet anyone where I felt that there was any chemistry sadly. I met some attractive men with things in common and good careers who wanted to meet me again.

rafanadalsarms · 17/09/2022 12:26

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 12:21

A friend of a friend of mine uses only face photos and from flattering angles to hide the fact she is morbidly obese. She is gorgeous, lovely teeth, glowing skin and shiny hair, very well turned out. I can absolutely see why men would be attracted to her and want to go on a date but the fact is, she struggles to walk because of her size. If I met up with someone for a date to find they had hidden this it would massively put me off. Better to be honest and go out with people who like you for you.

So many people do this on social media too. I have a friend who's morbidly obese and on Facebook she only takes head shots and you would literally have no idea if you hadn't met her in person.

J0y · 17/09/2022 12:28

OLD left me feeling like this but I met somebody in real life who really GOT me (not together anymore due to his drinking) but............. my point is that OLD is so artificial. You're touting your wares and not feeling like you have any power. You're too focused on whether they like you without thinking, hmmm, how much do I like this person. It becomes all about NOT BEING REJECTED.

Give OLD a break.

Vecna · 17/09/2022 12:42

Nobody can say why this guy wasn't feeling it, but if it keeps happening, I strongly suggest you have a look at the photos you post and consider how true to life they are.

I've settled down with someone I met OLD but on the way I met a few who looked considerably different in their photos (thinner, fewer wrinkles, thicker hair etc). People can't help who they're not attracted to no matter how good the conversation is. I would hate to think a man was disappointed upon seeing me. I know that feeling and it is also disheartening.

Halli2020 · 17/09/2022 12:45

He's not the one. When you are dating you will be hit with rejection, in the long run it will be in your best interest because you will find someone who is on the same page as you.

Suprima · 17/09/2022 12:50

Why on earth do you think should have made a move, like it would have changed things?

Get out of this mindset of intimacy = they stay and like you and you create a spark. It doesn’t.

He didn’t fancy you, a kiss wouldn’t have made him change his mind. If a man thinks you are his dreamgirl (your humour, your job, your chat, your energy…not just your looks) - then he’ll be wanting to see you again, kiss or not.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/09/2022 13:02

I went on a date a few years ago with a guy-conversation flowed fine, things in common, he kissed me at the end (proper kiss), but no mention of another date after and drifted off after a day or so. I wasn’t really fussed either way, thankfully.

You can’t always judge these things unfortunately but I met my dp of 3 years OLD. He was a little inaccurate about his height (nothing major) but he honestly thought he was taller than he is 😂

I think some people are like kids in a candy shop with OLD thought unfortunately and are too excited/greedy about the next swipe and if there’s anything ‘better’ out there. I was just glad to meet someone relatively ‘normal’ who I had lots on common with and who didn’t mess me around so I decided to keep him.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/09/2022 13:03

I'm sure you looked lovely, people don't look a million miles away from how they dress on night out.

Head-shots or old photos aside.

I think it is the swipe mentality always waiting for the next thing, believing that they can shop for dates and not put any real effort in unless the person is stunning.

A stunning person probably wouldn't date half of them, they're deluded.

The best way to meet someone is through a friend or shared interest.

There is many nice men fed up and not using OLD.

I stop dating before OLD became popular but always had relationships with people I knew before the first date.

Wombat100 · 17/09/2022 13:17

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 12:21

A friend of a friend of mine uses only face photos and from flattering angles to hide the fact she is morbidly obese. She is gorgeous, lovely teeth, glowing skin and shiny hair, very well turned out. I can absolutely see why men would be attracted to her and want to go on a date but the fact is, she struggles to walk because of her size. If I met up with someone for a date to find they had hidden this it would massively put me off. Better to be honest and go out with people who like you for you.

I agree with this. I have a couple of friends who only ever put close up photos online for this reason.

It’s always good to put realistic photos up, including a full body shot, so that your date knows who to expect. If (when I was single) I turned up on a date only to find someone who looked nothing like their profile picture it would really put me off.