Cancer in family - DH has left me.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

DH of 24 years left the home on Monday. Ups and downs like any relationship, lots of plodding along etc.

We have 3 DC, all young adults.

6 weeks ago DS 21 was told his cancer was in remission. He is a wonderful boy, my DC are the absolute light of my life.

DH returned from an activity holiday on Monday with DS and other members of my family, by all accounts had a wonderful time. Then told me he was unhappy, our relationship was in the toilet and he was leaving. And off he went.

Its transpired that whilst DS was going through chemo, DH went for counselling with a cancer support charity and through this he’s found himself to be desperately unhappy with me and has gone, won’t talk, engage, not willing to even attempt to try.

Do out of the blue, and whilst myself working through the trauma of DS having been so unwell, I’m left, nobody to talk to, no real idea of DH long term thoughts, and just passing support from the DC who don’t want to get involved.

How, over the course of 6 therapy sessions has he arrived at this decision? Is this fairly typical following a family trauma?

I don’t know what my future is as DH has decided to do what is right for him and only him.

I can’t believe how utterly cruel he has been. I don’t know what I want from this thread but I’m suddenly nobody to him and I don’t know what to do or think.

What a lot you've been through and are going through. Not sure that I have any wise words apart from asking if you have anyone, anyone at all, in real life that would share a bottle of wine with you and talk through it?

What a selfish man he's turned out to be.

It's not that he's desperately unhappy with you, it's that he's met someone else .
Assume he's not coming back, and make the decision not to have him back.
It's really hard, but it's time to think of yourself, and decide what you want to do.
He's clearly not the man you thought he was if he can behave so callously towards you. Get counselling for yourself, come up with a few short term goals, and get your finances sorted.
Make sure you have details of earnings, savings and pensions, and seek legal advice. Are you earning enough to be self-supporting? Do you need to retrain or get qualifications?

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry. You have been through enough with a child having cancer, to then have your Dh leave out of the blue is doubly cruel.
Ok maybe he’s not in love with you anymore, but there are ways and means of behaving. To just announce “oh I’ve found out I’m not happy so I’m off” is a very selfish way of doing it. Especially after all those years and what you’ve been through together as a couple.

Anyway you will not sit around waiting for him to decide your future. You will now take control of your life. Start sorting out the finances, be very business like. Minimal contact with him. Don’t tell him any plans, be polite but distant. Keep busy. Find a trusted friend or relative to cry to and lean on for support.
It’s going to be hell for a few months but you will survive this and you will have a future.

I am so sorry OP. You must be reeling and have been through so much. This is very unfair, he could have been discussing things with you at the same time as counselling. Announcing it out of the blue without warning after 24 years seems very odd to me.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing to do. I think a severe event such as a child being ill either brings a couple together or one checks out. Happened to a relative years ago when their young lad had leukaemia , dad left just as the lad went into remission ( many years on he’s remained well, married, got a great career)
Maybe there’s another woman, maybe not.
I hope your DS continues his good recovery.

I am really sorry this has happened to you. Your lovely son doesn't deserve it either. My money is on him having another woman I'm afraid.

He didn’t even say he was going for counselling. We were, or so I thought, jointly looking forward to better times with our DS well again. Holidays planned etc.

I just don’t recognise who he is anymore.

I am in utter disbelief.

OP, I’m so sorry.

Bloody hell, just when you are ready to celebrate and live your lives again, he does this. Unimaginable pain and worry followed by such a cruel brutal blow.

So, I dare say it will go round and round your head, why, why and why?

I have a child with a disability, and during the course of many hospital appointments and stays I have met so many single mothers who were left by men who just couldn’t cope with it all.

Also, worry and trauma can come between couples, coping in different ways, turning onwards to yourselves rather than to your partner. Leaving your own relationship aside while you are so consumed with your child.

Or.. in the cosy little circle of support group counselling he has fallen for another attendee. Or some other route to another woman. Finding himself no longer terrified for his son he has bounced back with no control.

Whatever is behind it, it isn’t you or any failing or deficiency of yours.

You have your wonderful son. Find your anger and wonder who needs a flaky self absorbed middle aged crisis cadet?

Hold tight OP. You have been through a crisis with a potentially worse outcome than this. Painful as it is, in time you will be strong and happier.

Love and strength.

Are you sure it was an adventure holiday? Who was he with?
Usually men leave for another woman while women leave for themselves
Sounds awful OP, I hope your son continues to do well

Sorry op but it’s more than likely that there is another woman and has been for some time. He’s probably been waiting for your ds to be well enough to leave. It’s highly unlikely he decided to just up and leave out of the blue. He, and ow, have been planning this. Prepare yourself for the fact he won’t come back and start protecting yourself. It’s awful, I know. What he’s doing is absolutely cruel and I really feel for you but you need to make sure you’re going to be ok without him. I’m glad your son is ok now and wish you all the best

I'm so so sorry. On the basis of what you shared I'd guess he met someone a while ago and feels he can leave now your sons health is improving.

in my experience men don't leave unless they are going to someone else.

I hope you are supported in real life as this must be devastating.

It sounds like she’s been unhappy for a long time.

He probably only stayed because DS was ill.

It’s tough and you will of course feel heartbroken but you will get through this and probably look back and realise you were unhappy too.

It’s looking that way @Noteverybodylives

But fucking 6 weeks after our sons treatment ended?

To walk out with no empathy or consideration for my emotions following DS diagnosis and treatment.

My little boy was diagnosed leaukemia age 4 my partner of 20 years became abusive to me in every way except physical I had to leave it’s been very traumatic he is 7 now still going for treatment
Mac million have told me it’s extremely common sending hugs

Yes. When they feel helpless they look for someone to blame, someone to feel angry with. It makes them feel more in control, more powerful, or just someone to take it out on.

I am so sorry you went through that in addition to supporting your little boy. Sending all my vibes for both of you - and for the OP and her son.

Unless it was a desperately unhappy marriage I think this is almost always the case. Hold your head high, get in front of it, and believe you will be better off because you will.

Im sorry op, this is a shit time for you. I agree with pp, I would bet there is another woman! Men only act this way when there is someone else on the scene.

@Motherland2624 my heart is with you and your boy, leukaemia is an absolute bastard. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out when you are going through the hell childhood cancer. You and your lovely boy are very much in my thoughts xxx

@thefirstmrsrochester what a very lovely lady you must be commenting on a fellow woman going through the stress of an unwell child whilst going through this recent shock yourself.

It may or may not be someone else but whatever it is you don't deserve this. Look after yourself and your son x

After 24 years I'm not sure there is a "good" way to leave unless the feeling that the relationship is over is a mutual one. Please find some rl support and some space to decide what you want to do next. Oh and find yourself a very good divorce lawyer - don't agree to anything financial without legal advice. He can leave but he doesn't just get to decide himself about what happens next.

I can imagine how hurt you feel right now
in fact I can’t 🙁

however I’d take him at his word
he wants out ? He’s out
don’t beg or plead I implore you

maybe he’s got someone else (I’d say likely )
maybe the trauma took over

but he has rather callously said this and now your life must continue

you have spent a very long time worrying

and now it’s time to be very selfish
and probably get some therapy for yourself as it’s a lot to process

What a prick. I’m guessing his “counsellor” is OW too. Get financial ducks in row asap.

Yes, see how OW fancies him broke.

When our father was dying of cancer my brother decided it was a good time to leave his wife and newborn baby for a younger woman he’d been having an affair with throughout the pregnancy. He justified it with some bullshit about ‘life is short I need to be happy’. News flash he’s actually less happy and poorer from supporting two families.

Men almost always leave for another woman. I would prepare yourself to discover he’s been carrying on with someone else for a while and now that your DS is in remission thinks it’s the right time to leave. Get your ducks in a row and build a good life for yourself. Do you have a friend or relative you can lean on for support?

I hope 7 months on things are improving for you x