Cancer in family - DH has left me.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

DH of 24 years left the home on Monday. Ups and downs like any relationship, lots of plodding along etc.

We have 3 DC, all young adults.

6 weeks ago DS 21 was told his cancer was in remission. He is a wonderful boy, my DC are the absolute light of my life.

DH returned from an activity holiday on Monday with DS and other members of my family, by all accounts had a wonderful time. Then told me he was unhappy, our relationship was in the toilet and he was leaving. And off he went.

Its transpired that whilst DS was going through chemo, DH went for counselling with a cancer support charity and through this he’s found himself to be desperately unhappy with me and has gone, won’t talk, engage, not willing to even attempt to try.

Do out of the blue, and whilst myself working through the trauma of DS having been so unwell, I’m left, nobody to talk to, no real idea of DH long term thoughts, and just passing support from the DC who don’t want to get involved.

How, over the course of 6 therapy sessions has he arrived at this decision? Is this fairly typical following a family trauma?

I don’t know what my future is as DH has decided to do what is right for him and only him.

I can’t believe how utterly cruel he has been. I don’t know what I want from this thread but I’m suddenly nobody to him and I don’t know what to do or think.

''@thefirstmrsrochester · 16/09/2022 22:14

But fucking 6 weeks after our sons treatment ended?

To walk out with no empathy or consideration for my emotions following DS diagnosis and treatment.''

It must be very upsetting for you but you are mixing two different matters.

In your own words your marriage has ''plodded along'' for quite a while and now your partner has finally decided to leave. It is unlikely that this has happened ''out of the blue'...

It is likely the counselling he received and the realisation that life is short as he watched your son's treatment was the final element that made him act on his feelings. I don't think the people suggesting there is another woman are right: trauma can lead to people reassessing their lives and deciding to make radical changes.

His empathy went towards his son and supporting him while he was receiving treatment but I am sorry to say that once he had decided to end the relationship you can no longer expect him to prioritise your feelings. There is no way to spare them anyway in this scenario...

My father left my mother 2 days after my first wedding, I had just turned 21, 1 day after I'd gone on honeymoon, the day before her 48th birthday, 2 months before their 24th wedding anniversary...and 6 months after my younger brother had turned 18.

He'd had an attempt at leaving (or more correctly, tricking my mother into moving us back to Oz without him) when I was 11, so I think he'd just been waiting 10 years to finally leave. Planned it for when he wouldn't have to pay her a penny for child support etc, or provide a roof over her head. Even though he'd already attempted it, my mother was still blindsided. The point I'm making is I don't think you'll ever know for sure how long the idea had been in his head.

I was diagnosed with cancer 6 months after he left. My father had disappeared abroad to try and hide from my mother's forensic accountant. Through my paternal grandmother he knew I was ill, but he still didn't get in touch. Don't underestimate how selfish a former spouse will be when going through a divorce.

To update this thread nearly 8 months down the line.

We remain separated, my husband has demonised me, I do nothing, am nothing, am fat, we have nothing to show for our near 25 years of marriage, I have traumatised him, he needs to move on from me to be happy. And yes, that ‘moving on’ requires the family home to be sold for him to have 50% of the asset. He acknowledges that this will leave me and my boys in the shit. But he wont be buying property to accommodate our boys.

Re OW, none as yet materialised however I do suspect there is one in waiting. The one from his work who was there for him when our oldest DS was diagnosed with cancer – I apparently was not ‘there’ for DH.

He is ticking every box on the male mid life crisis score sheet (right down to borrowing weightlifting equipment from our youngest DS – which DS had to carry to the car for him).

But 8 months on, I am doing fine, as are my kids. DD back home this weekend and she thinks her dad is sad and regretful, well ….. too late for that mate, when I was suicidal, you said to call the Samaritans and not put my needs on you. When you lied in counselling about things which are absolute provable facts, you made me feel like I was insane. When you got angry after dropping me and accused family and friends of ‘abandoning me’ when it was you who absolutely abandoned me. Too late, way too late.

I am sorry that my future isn’t going to be the one I had imagined, but here I am getting on with my life, my kids are good, and he is living at his mum and dads (retirement home essentially).

My DS remains cancer free and that is the main thing.

Sounds like the OW got cold feet, or is still waiting in the wings for a decent amount of time to have passed....

I'm so pleased to hear your DS is doing well

Good for you OP, and your children 💪🏻💐

You should be so proud of yourself!!

I’m so glad to hear your DS is doing well. My friend’s DS had leukaemia when he was 5, he had his 30th birthday last month.
May you and your lovely dc go from strength to strength. I won’t say what I think of your stbex.

You sound like you are doing well OP. Well done.

I'm sorry this happened to you Op, but also, so very pleased for you that you are coming out the other side to a happy place.

Sounds like you had some truely dark times but what a future you can now have.

Firstly congratulations on your son being free.
Hopefully your husband had a better pension than you? That way the divorce will be you applying for more than half the house or saying he can’t have a penny of it until the youngest DC turns 21… I don’t think there are many judges who would make a mother and 3 children homeless knowing the mum can’t afford a house alone!. If your pension is much less than his due to maternity leave and bringing up yourself and his children then it’s likely you’ll get a chunk of his pension too..
Simce you’re a demon anyway you’ve got nothing to loose really, so I’d go for as much as you can get from the marriage as you will be left with raising the children virtually alone.

my daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (different I know but still life changing and potentially life threatening) and approx 6 weeks later my husband decided he was going to leave… ended a 20 year relationship by text. Like your husband he’s gone all mad on protein shakes and weight lifting and now lives his his mother in a one bed apartment…. Has since his daughter once in a year! Isn’t being a bastard like your ex though… YET.. presumably keeping me sweet so I don’t fleece his pension as agreed.

If I were you I wouldn’t engage in any conversation with your ex… unless it’s child arrangements (what time he’s collecting/dropping home) other than that tell him you are not talking about any other crap or engaging in blame

Thanks for the update. Also wonderful news about your DS.
You are better off on your own than with your uncaring, selfish DH.
His friends & family will have a low opinion of the way he has treated you all. Be proud of yourself & all the best for the future.