Is my mum right?

[axeri]

In pregnancy my ex became really difficult. Started accusing me of random things, silent episodes, lots of drinking. I called him a cunt on a few occasions when I just wasn’t coping with what he was doing.

When things ended in pregnancy he point blank ignored me for 3 months. Had to chase for maintenance etc. Family all said he was terrible at the time. Dc is now two and me snd my mum had a row today and she said ‘you deserved everything you got with ex if you swore at him like this.’

i have a huge guilt complex as it is and this has really messed with my head. Honesty is she right? I have to face it if so.

No, she's not right - I hope she's just lashing out.

Nah, she's not. She didn't live with him.

Did you call your mum a cunt today or use similarly awful names?
You didn't deserve what he did to you, that's all on him. Your mum was probably just reacting badly to being sworn at.

So, you were swearing at her? If that's the case, she would just have been trying to hurt you with words as you did her. Tit for tat.

She is also not right with the ex situation.

Some men lose their minds when their partner is pregnant. Sorry this happened to you. Your mum just wanted to hurt you in the heat of the moment. She probably didn't mean it

Sorry yes I did swear at her quite a bit. I was very upset and lashed out.

she said if I spoke to him like that in pregnancy then no wonder he fell out of love with me and no wonder he did what he did by ignoring me etc.

I’ve cut myself up about this so much over the last year or so. The way I spoke to my ex. I’ve battled with thinking it was all my fault and feeling horrendous guilt. So this has set me back a lot. I know what I said to ex at times was awful, I’ve never denied it but I was coping with so much from him and didn’t handle it well

No, it's not your fault.

I know exactly where you were coming from.

My exDH was an absolute twat. He wasted money, he lied to me, and he had an affair and left me… According to my DM, it was because I used to 'nag' him. He wasn't working, he lost his license due to drink-driving, he would spend our money and then lie to me about it, he would do fuck all around the house… But when I dared to say anything to him about it, apparently I was nagging him. My Dsis had something similar. My DM loved her exDH, but they used to row a lot. He was having an affair for nearly a year… My DM didn't understand why my sister kicked him out. She thought my sister was in the wrong. Sometimes you just can't win.

I don’t know, if it was a man swearing it would be considered emotional abuse so if it was the other way round and him saying it to you posters wouldn’t be so sympathetic I would never speak to my mum like that

@Piffle11 my ex wasn’t that bad but he did get done for drink driving when I was pregnant. It was all so stressful.

@SpinningFloppa I agree it was abusive of me which I why I’ve always felt so guilty

However you spoke to him doesn't mean you deserved what you were put through with the drinking and accusations, or him not stepping up to his responsibilities re. your child.

What I would say is, if you feel you can't control yourself verbally at times because you feel hurt or attacked (perhaps fight or flight response...but in your case fight), I would speak to someone about that. I've lashed out verbally and understand the horrendous guilt that goes along with it. Always when I felt attacked.

Forgive yourself and take steps to manage your emotions a bit better. But please don't blame yourself for your ex, it's counter productive. You were reactive yes, but to the situation and things being said to you.You weren't right for each other or it wouldn't have turned out the way it did.

I disagree. If a man said their partner was drinking heavily, stone walling, accusing them of things for no reason, I think people would understand snapping at some point. They would also be told to leave the toxic relationship though...as the saying goes, 'two wrongs don't make a right'.

But the op was also speaking like this to her mum today so it’s obviously not just her ex

@SpinningFloppa its always been my parents, we don’t have the best relationship. And then obviously my ex. can’t imagine it happening with friends

Tbh she’d know more about your relationship with him and your general behaviour than we do.

While you’re justifying your verbal abuse to him because you say he was also awful you don’t explain what your mum did to provoke an aggressive outburst.

If you regularly swear at people and treat them badly there are consequences for that. They don’t want to be around you.

I’m sure loads of us have had shitty relationships. My ex was a fucking nightmare at times, which is why I divorced him. I never called him a cunt.

You’ve posted this to self flagellate and be absolved but it won’t help you knock your troubling behaviour on the head and stop you being so aggressive.

@AnneLovesGilbert I know it’s not right. That’s why I’ve harboured so much guilt for so long. I feel worse now my mum says that’s why he did what he did and perhaps that’s true. That’s why I’m struggling today. I feel like it’s all my fault.

Are we not allowed to get angry
Are we all expected tonne Snow White and the male equivalent FOREVER

No
people shout and attire and swear

Look up reactive abuse @axeri, I think you might find it interesting (just to be clear, he could be using your normal reaction to his awful behaviour to turn the blame around onto you).

No one can say if it's all your fault or not. Either way, it's unlikely to have helped.

On the flip side, the beauty of knowing something is all your own fault is that it becomes within your gift to prevent it from happening again.

Instead of wallowing in guilt, own your part in it and take steps to sort it out. You say you'd never do it to friends, just your parents and your partner, so you clearly have some degree of control in the matter. Use it.

You didn't deserve her to say that to you at all

Someone once said to me I deserved what happened to me in my abusive relationship and I'd closed that away until reading your op and remembering

No you didn't deserve that to ever be said to you x

I suppose if you swore at your dm then she reacted by lashing out.
If someone called me a c* then I would probably say something hurtful in return.

You need to stop with the foul language, it's possible to argue without being abusive.

Often people who end up in relationships with arseholes, do so because it feels familiar, because they grew up with them too. Id try counselling if you can to try and break the cycle. Its not your fault.

Your mum is a victim blaming fool who needs to educate herself about the real causes of domestic abuse. It's not anything to do with the victim's behaviour or choice of words.

Don't feel guilty about your response to your ex's terrible behaviour toward you.

Abuse often starts or gets worse when a woman is pregnant. The reasons are jealousy toward the unborn child based on the fuss people make over the mother and the perception that the woman has transferred her attention to the baby, and anger toward the unborn child which is basically a form of self hatred on the part of the abuser. In other words, men who abuse pregnant partners have an idea that their partner's life should revolve around them and them alone, and they are bottomless pits of self loathing.

The NHS has a little on its website about this.

Maybe point your mother in the direction of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'. Or the Women's Aid website.

In the meantime, go to therapy if you haven't already done so. You need to find peace.

Thanks for some really insightful posts. I had a traumatic childhood for sure. It wasn’t easy. My parents are two people I am completely different with to anyone else in my life. They see the worst in me that’s definitely true. I feel rubbish around them.

My ex wasn’t all bad and I worry greatly that I just struggle with relationships and that’s why it didn’t work out. However he did do some unusual things and ended up drink driving so I guess he wasn’t perfect either. My mental health is in pieces, my friends are the only people who think I’m worth anything.

I feel like what you need right now is kindness because you seem really low and that you are absolutely not being good to yourself.

At some point in your life you will need to realise that swearing and arguing with people isn't ok, no "but he/she..." you can't control other people and what they do but you CAN contr how you react. It is fucking hard to learn when you are someone who can fly off the handle (I am) and basically reprogram yourself but it really is worth it to be happy and mebtally healthy and have good relationships with the people in your life.

My parents were the ones who I had to distance myself from while I was figuring all this out. It helps that I love abroad but you can't be changing yourself for the better when you still see peiple often who put you down and see the worst in you. My parents still say things like I am "difficult" etc but nowadays I literally don't react at all when they push my buttons. If one of them shouts at me I walk away because I can't cope with it tbh and I tell them so. They went through a phase of complaining they "never saw me nowadays" but I just asked "why would I want to see you more when you put me down so much? My friends see the best in me and raise me up, all you do is shout and criticise and no amount of DNA we share will make me want to hear those things"