Don’t want to stay in contact

[SpinningFloppa]

Reposted as didn’t get any responses

DCs father isn’t involved hasn’t seen them since jan 2021 no contact at all with them since then, however he does message me occasionally asking how they are (posted about him before)

At first I use to respond as I was keeping line of communication open thinking maybe he would ask to see them at some point but he didn’t, as time went on it became clear he has no intention of seeing them so I decided to not respond anymore to his messages as it felt like he was just fishing for information but with no intentions to see them. The messages would always go the same way it was almost as if he was copying and pasting the message every couple of months.

He continues to message occasionally think every 3 months kind of thing but it has surprised me how many people I’ve told this to who think I should still remain in contact with him?! Despite the fact he has no intention of seeing our children and doesn’t want to, so why am I maintaining contact with him? If we didn’t have kids I wouldn’t speak to him so as he isn’t seeing them I don’t see why people think I should still continue to speak to him, he was abusive to me so I find his messages triggering and his name flashing up on my phone is unsettling especially after months of no contact it just brings it all back, I feel unable to move on as he is still there in the back ground and not even seeing our children. I’ve seen people suggest to women who have abusive exes to go through a third party so they don’t have to speak to them, or use apps so they don’t have their number; or even to block them and unblock them when they have the kids so why do so many people I speak to seem to think I should remain in contact with him when he isn’t even seeing them so no need?
😕
The reasons I’ve had is that I should keep the lines of communication open? And I need to prove to my children that I did everything I could and never stopped contact, why is this up to me to prove? Why is the onus on me to prove I never stopped contact? I shouldn’t need to keep in contact with him to “prove” anything? My kids are older now (Not teens but old enough to be aware) so aware he just doesn’t bother so I don’t see why I need to keep in contact with him to “prove” anything, he could easily lie anyway and say he tried, I guess what I’m getting at is women with abusive exes Who have contact with their children are told not to have direct contact with their ex go through 3rd party/ block them unless they have the kids/ use apps to avoid direct contact so why when my ex isn’t involved at all do so many people think I’m still suppose to stay in contact with him? I’ve wanted to block him so many time the years but this is holding me back that so many think I’m wrong to cut contact with him

Sorry to hear ypu are going through this. You should arrange for him to message a family member such as your mum if you find it too triggering. I also hope that you have applied for maintenance. How old are the children? Do they ask about their dad?

My mum wouldn’t speak to him none of my family will they think he is scum as he can’t be bothered to see the kids noone would talk to him, if they did they wouldn’t be nice and would only be to tell them what they think of him, no maintenance as he doesn’t work, no the kids do not ask about him they did at first but they don’t anymore it’s been almost 2 years since he saw them.

I think those people are wrong.

Everyone I speak to says it, the only reason we have to speak is because of our children Yet he chooses not to see them so why do we need to talk, my mum won’t speak to him due to him being abusive to me.

So your mum wants you to speak to him but she doesn't want to help by "keeping the lines of communication open" for you? 🤔

I'd probably use that as my "shut up and mind ya business" phrase. "Oh you think so? So shall I let him have your number then, and you can act as a neutral third party and let me know of any messages from him that I actually need to know about?"

No it’s not my mum? I never mentioned my mum pp said to get my mum to respond to him so I was just answering that, it’s when I seek advice online I’ve had it on Mumsnet, told to still respond and on the single parents groups im on same thing always respond and keep the door open.

It’s great that your mum is so supportive of you.

But it’s a difficult one because you do have shared children and presumably there’s a risk that he may come looking for them if he doesn’t get these updates and that would be worse.

You shouldn’t have to deal with him though. Much as your family hate him, it would presumably be less triggering for them to hear from him than it is for you. Could you ask one of them (perhaps your dad) to agree to receive the emails and send whatever update seems appropriate at the time? They don’t even have to let you know that he’s been in touch if you don’t want them to. Or perhaps you could use one of the apps you mention. But you yourself definitely don’t have to be in direct contact with him.

My ex wouldn’t use an app, my family won’t communicate with him that’s not an option I would be worried about giving them his number as they will most likely cause conflict, they won’t engage with him and my mum would likely tell him to fuck off my mums seen the bruises he’s left on me trust me she wouldn’t talk to him she despises him.

OP

If it were me, based on his history,

I wouldn't start involving any other people. Its not going to solve anything.

I would text him one last time, state in the text, if you want contact with your DC, tell me when you would like see them and what dates going forward to maintain contact. Otherwise I won't be the go between anymore, its up to you.

Finally, state in the text, If I don't hear from you in the next week,I won't be responding to your texts in the future.

With that, once the week has gone by - with no contact from him ( which I can guarantee will happen) you should feel free to block him.

Then next time in a few months when he sends his cursory text, he'll see he's blocked. FFS! at that point, no one can blame you for not doing all you could.
To be honest, it sounds like he isn't bringing anything to their lives anyway!

Thank you this is a very good suggestion, as you can see even posters on here think I should maintain some kind of contact with him and I honestly don’t get why, I feel like I’m still being controlled forced to have him in my life when he doesn’t even see our kids which is the only reason we need to be in contact. My family won’t be the go between.

Does he have your address? Because if he does he can contact the DC like that or via your Mum's address if she hasn't moved.

I'd block him.

Yes he had my address, he doesn’t have my mums

Geez just block him, don't bother with texting or you could send one.

"If you want to know how your DC are you will need to write to them, they haven't moved in the last X years"

Block him and don't ask anyone else again (IRL) if they think it's right or wrong, only you know the true horrors of him/your past with him, so only you can really and truly know what's best for you.

Listen to your gut and block him if it's what you need, you're the one that has to live with this decision, not anyone else x

Oh and great to hear your family agree with you!

Block him. He’s made his position clear. He has no intention of seeing the DC but wants to stay in touch to continue to control you.

If anyone comments, tell them that you are happy to discuss maintenance and contact with him but sadly for your DC he has never raised those issues.

He has your address. If he really wants to show an interest he can still get in touch.

These are the kind of comments I’ve had, literally telling me to still respond to him to prove to my kids, I don’t know why I need to prove to them, so even if he doesn’t see them still chat to him as if we are friends to prove to my kids he was never stopped 🤦🏻 they can make their minds up when they are old enough and realise who was there and who wasn’t, i can’t keep communicating with him as it’s affecting my MH I still feel controlled by him.

Your ex clearly has no interest in contact with the kids. He is only interested in maintaining contact with you, presumably as a form of control.

Continuing to communicate with him is not “maintaining contact with the kids” as he has no interaction with the kids. It is not your responsibility to provide a quarterly bulletin for your ex.

As per pp send him a final message, he can write (or perhaps email? it’s less intrusive than text message) if he wants to see them, then block.

I wouldn’t keep in contact with him. I’d block his number and get on with my life. I guess you wouldn’t be that hard to find if he ever had a major change of heart. As you say the kids are aware he chose not to show up so you need to support them with dealing with any feelings they have of rejection but you don’t need to do a darn thing for their useless father.

Fuck that block him and forget about him. You did try, he didn't, time to let it go. If he wants contact with his children he can go to court now

The next message I'd respond as you usually do. But I would add "This is the last message I will respond to. I will be blocking your number in 24 hours. If you wish to actually SEE your children please respond within that time to make arrangements.

If you can't be bothered to see your own children I can't be bothered with you. You have our address and in the future can contact your children directly by post. I will let you know if our address ever changes".

‘Hello ShitHead, your option for contacting your kids is by post, you will no longer have access to my personal contact info. Cheers’ <block>

Block him on your phone. That's way too invasive.

If you feel up to it allow him an email address where he can contact you regarding the kids. Then only open it when you feel up to it. This is purely a middle ground suggestion and if you don't feel up to it then you do not need to.

The only possible reason you'd need to keep in contact is to arrange meet-ups/pickups for your children but as he's seemingly not interested in this then I don't think you need to give him updates.

You could (if you felt able) draw a firm boundary and say that as he's no longer in their lives, you don't wish to hear from him (and won't be supplying updates). The door of course remains open if at some point, he wishes to reestablish contact.

Sounds like he thinks he's still being a father by asking for updates! You really don't owe him anything. I disagree with anyone telling you otherwise. 😊

The thing with the email is I worry that sounds like I’m saying I want to stay in contact? So “I’m blocking you now but her is my email” sounds like I’m asking to keep communicating with him, I do plan to move in the next couple of years but I won’t be giving him my address as I’m not comfortable with the fact he would have the power to just randomly turn up at my address when I haven’t see him in years.

You said he has your address.