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Original poster

"If you haven't got sex, you haven't got anything"

37 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/09/2022 09:12

A quote from my ex partner. He says a relationship without sex is not a relationship. I agree that mismatched mojos are a problem. One reason why he's now an ex.

I went out for dinner last night with my aunt and her friend both 73 but both a young 73. I was surprised when they brought up sex! Apparently my uncle said to her on holiday ten years ago "what about sex?" and she replied something like "what about it Jim?"

Both said they share a bed but don't want sex. They go on holidays, spend money on their houses, have good relationships with their children, my cousin doesn't have children but the other woman and her husband are happy grandparents.

Is it an age thing?

OP posts:
theRealmOfThePossible · 16/09/2022 09:31

Sexual arousal is on a continuum.

Some people are horny all the time regardless of context some are asexual and some need the right situation with the right person.

Regardless of how you started age will slowly dampen your libido and physical capabilities.

There are exceptions of course.

If you are an individual with a very high libido a relationship without sex will feel like a brother and sister situation.

If you don't have a high libido or are asexual you won't need sex to have a good marriage or long term relationship.

It's a very difficult for person with vastly different libidos to understand one another.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 09:36

Is what an age thing?

I wouldn’t be happy in a sexless marriage if that’s what you’re asking. No idea how I’ll feel when I’m in my 70s but hope we’re still at it if we both want to.

Juicelooseabootthehoose · 16/09/2022 09:40

Everyone has different ideas of what makes a relationship and different sex drives. Regardless of age. Some people think the only benefit of a relationship is sex on tap. Others think that companionship is the main benefit of a relationship. Everyone is different.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/09/2022 09:56

Well I think most people want a sexual relationship. But clearly there is a mid way between thinking sex is everything and dropping it entirely.

Matching sex drives is helpful. I think some marriages do become sexless later on, but for most people that’s not optimal. It’s fair to say I think that you don’t have the same sex drive at 50 as at 20, but that’s also to do with having more going on in life. @

Babdoc · 16/09/2022 10:02

It’s not an age thing. My in laws still had a happy sex life in their eighties. And were most annoyed when FIL was put on beta blockers after his heart attack, causing erectile dysfunction!
Marriage is a sexual relationship by definition, originally established for the procreation of children.
Without sex, you are just flatmates, friends, or house sharers. Possibly very happy ones, if neither of you has a libido, but you are missing out on an enormous source of mutual pleasure, stress relief and bonding.

GreenManalishi · 16/09/2022 10:07

If you haven't got sex and both of you are happy with it, then you haven't got a problem. And vice versa. This is specific to every relationship, and some 75 year olds probably do it more than some 40 year olds.

There's a great book called Mind The Gap by Karen Gurney, really interesting reading.

CandyLips · 16/09/2022 10:10

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron is what an age thing?

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/09/2022 10:12

CandyLips · 16/09/2022 10:10

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron is what an age thing?

Sex diminishing in a relationship.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 16/09/2022 10:12

I think sex is the glue that holds you together, it’s the one thing different about your relationship together, than your relationship with anyone else.
Ive got to a point now where we don’t have sex, for a couple of reasons, and we are just two people living in a house together. If it was very simple, I’d separate, but we are friendly enough and it’s cheaper for two to live together than apart.

mondaytosunday · 16/09/2022 10:17

I'm sure there are plenty of even relatively young couples that between kids and work that sex is way down the list of priorities, but give them a holiday and less demands from their kids can rekindle the passion. But there are also couples who have it dwindle and not seem to mind. I know a few friends who say they wouldn't care if they never had sex again, but still love their partners and are committed to the relationship.
I also think that aging bodies makes some people feel less attractive and that's a passion killer, even if their partners are reassuring.

Teenprobs · 16/09/2022 10:19

My ex used to say the same thing to me..

My current partner poor bloke hasn't had it in ages. Not because our relationship is shit, because he's understanding, I'm pregnant with lots of wonderfully sex destroying symptoms and a toddler. I offered it him the other say and he went not gonna lie babe I'd prefer a nap 🤣🤣🤣 we reassure each other we still fancy each other x

I still fancy him lots x

TimBoothseyes · 16/09/2022 12:10

One of the side effects of DP's lifelong medication is loss of sex drive and I've never been much interested in sex (obviously I have had it...DD is proof of that😃). We have been together for almost 20 years he has just turned 50 and I'm a couple of years older. We have a fantastic relationship which I wouldn't change for the world. I expect this thread will have the usual "it's just a friendship if there's no sex" comments but it's not. I mean, when was the last time anyone lay in bed having a cuddle with a friend? For some, sex is an important part of their relationship and that's fine, for others it's not, and that is also fine.

Hillrunning · 16/09/2022 12:19

I feel terribly sorry for anyone whoes marriage is just housemate plus sex. What a sad relationship that must be.There are so many reasons marriages may have low or no sex in them, and it is pathetic for people to make sweeping statements that these are somehow not marriages at all.

My friend who was raped as a child an now can't have sex isn't any less of a wife.

My colleague who was in a car crash and can't get an erection isn't any less of a husband.

CandyLips · 16/09/2022 13:30

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/09/2022 10:12

Sex diminishing in a relationship.

Show quote history

No it is not an "age thing" if by that you mean as you get older you don't want it. It is a partner and a situation thing. The biggest blow to my sex life was having children and all the stuff that comes with that. I am sure that being with a partner a long time will also cause this in some couples. I had my best sex ever after I split up with my EXH in my late 50s and am now having sex on a regular basis with my now H ( now in my 60s).

Nidan2Sandan · 16/09/2022 13:38

I have a health condition which means sex is very rare, once a month at best. I love my husband desperately and he me, and he makes sure I know this every single day.

People making statements that sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, or that its somehow impossible to have a really close, intimate relationship without sex are just being mean and hurtful.

I want to have sex with my amazing DH, but I cant. Does that mean I am less of a wife, or our relationship is somehow less compared to those who can have sex?? What about marriages where one half is disabled and cant have sex, does this mean their relationship will fall apart without that glue??

LikeAStar1994 · 16/09/2022 13:41

I'm 27 and Asexual. Still a virgin and never had a relationship.

I love my life.

zonky · 16/09/2022 14:58

Menopause for some women is a libido killer. Sexual desire is to some degree governed by hormones. Pregnancy and childbirth (injuries) can be libido killers too.

BadNomad · 16/09/2022 15:01

If sex is important to you, then the absence of it will be an issue. If sex isn't important, then you'll be fine. Both people need to be on the same page.

tenbob · 16/09/2022 15:02

KangarooKenny · 16/09/2022 10:12

I think sex is the glue that holds you together, it’s the one thing different about your relationship together, than your relationship with anyone else.
Ive got to a point now where we don’t have sex, for a couple of reasons, and we are just two people living in a house together. If it was very simple, I’d separate, but we are friendly enough and it’s cheaper for two to live together than apart.

There are 500 things in my marriage that aren’t in any of my friendships!

Either people have very weird oversharing friendships or very weird undersharing marriages if they think marriage = friendship+sex

UWhatNow · 16/09/2022 15:04

I know at least 3 loving couples for whom sex is non existent and yet they are happily married, have fun together and are still affectionate. I think a lot of people are conditioned to think sex is the be all and end all. I feel sorry for them if ‘sex is the glue that holds them together’ - how shallow and unsatisfactory that must be in the face of physical and medical uncertainty as you age. Love and friendship should be the glue. Sex is a bonus.

newsaint · 16/09/2022 15:07

I always thought sex is extremely over-rated, even a bit passe (!) given how every aspect of society drips with it.

In my first relationship, my OH was always after it more than me and I would often think of it as a chore.

In my second relationship and then (3rd relationship) marriage, neither of those partners have been especially interested in it.

All of these partners were / are pretty passive during it as well, meaning I never felt I got much out of it really.

I much prefer just affection / cuddles for closeness and intimacy.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/09/2022 15:19

This was my ex's viewpoint. One of the reasons, but not the only one, why I finished the relationship. After some years I didn't want to have sex with him but continued to do so, but not as often as in the early days, because I thought that's what you did in a relationship.

I wasn't old either, only in my 30s.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 16/09/2022 19:37

Hillrunning · 16/09/2022 12:19

I feel terribly sorry for anyone whoes marriage is just housemate plus sex. What a sad relationship that must be.There are so many reasons marriages may have low or no sex in them, and it is pathetic for people to make sweeping statements that these are somehow not marriages at all.

My friend who was raped as a child an now can't have sex isn't any less of a wife.

My colleague who was in a car crash and can't get an erection isn't any less of a husband.

I agree and just don't get why people say this. If you have brought up children, shared moving houses, holidays, death in families, illness, financial challenges, learning experiences, supported each others careers, mental health crisis, worried about your children, delighted in your children, learnt new skills been to new places, all as a couple. You don't then become house mates if one or both can not, or don't want to, have sex.

It devalues all other aspects of your relationship and it is just not true.

Paigeycakey · 16/09/2022 19:47

Well there's a big difference between 50s and 70s.

I think depending on the age of the couple it's understand to call it a day on your sex life during your late 70s.... but 50s? No!

Half of us here won't know till we get to the 70s stage!

JaneyBrowning · 16/09/2022 19:57

How old are you now OP?

Are you asking because you have no libido and want to canvass opinion on older-age sex, or are you worried you might never have a relationship that has sex in it?