"If you haven't got sex, you haven't got anything"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

A quote from my ex partner. He says a relationship without sex is not a relationship. I agree that mismatched mojos are a problem. One reason why he's now an ex.

I went out for dinner last night with my aunt and her friend both 73 but both a young 73. I was surprised when they brought up sex! Apparently my uncle said to her on holiday ten years ago "what about sex?" and she replied something like "what about it Jim?"

Both said they share a bed but don't want sex. They go on holidays, spend money on their houses, have good relationships with their children, my cousin doesn't have children but the other woman and her husband are happy grandparents.

Is it an age thing?

I think it’s natural to have a sexual ebb & flow in a marriage. During my 30’s when I was busy with very young children, I struggled to want intimacy with DH because, fuck me, I craved personal space! I used to say “I want to stretch my arms out & not feel anyone or anything touch them!” My 40’s were also terrible but I now recognise I was peri menopausal. Now I’m 51, menopausal, on HRT & craving sex & true intimacy like we’re back in the dating phase. DH & I are closer than ever. MIL used to say that the post 50 season of life was the most emotionally fulfilling & I understand what she meant now.

I'm 42 and happily single as I was in a relationship from being 20 until a year ago. I'm not worried about anything really and not looking for a relationship, and I'm not particularly interested in sex at the moment but that's because I have to be committed and fancy the person. Until or unless that person turns up I'm happy being by myself, it's a novelty!

My ex said something similar. He said that without sex, you're just friends.

I completely disagree. A romantic relationship is built on so much more than sex. Sex is one element, but there are also a lot of things I share with a partner that I wouldn't share with my friends. And intimacy doesn't always have to mean sex.

However, if one person has a high sex drive and the other person doesn't really like sex, that's an issue. Ultimately, it's about whether your sex drives are compatible or not.

I'd say if things have died off in the bedroom, it's usually a reflection of other problems, unless you both simultaneously happen to not be bothered, which I think would be rare- one is usually not as happy about it.
I could not imagine not wanting sex yet, I hope I never get to not wanting it in a general sense. I'd equate not wanting to with a particular person, to being an indication that you shouldn't be with that person. But that's just me, each to their own.

Without sex, you are just flatmates, friends, or house sharers

We haven't had sex for a few years (medical reasons) we are absolutely not just any of the above. We are in a long, loving and committed marriage. We are a partnership in every way. No sex doesn't change our relationship dynamics to that of house sharers etc

Without sex, you are just flatmates, friends, or house sharers.

I don't know what kind of friends and/or house shares you have experienced but I can assure you I've never climbed into the same bed as mine and cuddled them. But if you and your friends are into that sort of thing then who am I to judge.

There are many well-afjusted people who can live very happily without sex, even after a previously fulfilling sex life - it says a lot about someone's relationship that if your DH were to get prostate cancer and suffer erectile disfunction as a result you would not wish to continue the relationship as it didn't mean anything without sex. Consider how you would judge a man who declared that a "sweaty menopausal wife was not what he signed up for 20 years ago" or a wife who develops any other life changing condition that interferes with his precious sex life... He'd be slated here. A colleague once told me the most attractive feature when dating was he had to be hairy!! If an occasionally. working penis is truly the ultimate sign of a happy relationship, that could explain a lot about the exasperating and deeply sad relationships discussed on MN.

I couldn’t be with someone who said that.
If you don’t have ”anything” or you’re ”just roommates” without sex, then it’s safe to say that there was nothing there in the first place.

I completely agree. My wonderful, loving DH had a serious stroke. He can't get an erection now and doesn't have the mental capacity to know what to do with it if he did get one. He is seriously mentally impaired, and physically. Does that mean I should leave the man who I love so much, just so that I can have sex with someone else? If you truly think that, you have no idea what love is.

Without sex, you are just flatmates, friends, or house sharers. Possibly very happy ones, if neither of you has a libido, but you are missing out on an enormous source of mutual pleasure, stress relief and bonding.
Bolocks Babdoc! Sorry no offence as you are usually so sensible but just no. People are absolutely not missing out on something if they don't want to do it. Doing something you don't want to do is a source of displeasure, added stress and division.

I still have a libido but I recognise that my DH does not. I love him enough to say that if we can't have sex, we can't and I can live with that provided it means I can stay with him and look after him as long as I live. I couldn't even begin to think about leaving him. I love him and I swore a vow before God to stay with him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Well, these are the tough times the vow talked about. Do I dump him because I want an orgasm? No. His needs are greater than mine and that's OK with me.

I think it really depends. If there’s a medical reason or life circumstances in the way of course you wouldn’t end an otherwise good relationship. If you both agree to not having sex for whatever reason the relationship can continue and flourish.

There is I think an issue when one person unilaterally takes sex off the table, thereby committing the other to a life of celibacy that they wouldn’t have otherwise chosen. The level of rejection in that situation is soul destroying and it’s hard to see how resentment wouldn’t set it.