Accidentally saw DP's old wedding and engagement photos

[subolooo]

I know we all have a past, especially when we get to 40+ years old and I knew all about DP's past marriage and relationships when we got together. But, yesterday I saw photos of him and his ex, while he was proposing to her and on their wedding day. I knew of her as we move in the same circles but had never actually taken much notice until I saw those photos.

I know I'm being silly but seeing them so happy, how he proposed to her and what they were wearing etc has really knocked me for 6.

I do feel really silly for writing this as once its written down it looks so insignificant but its really affected me and I'm not sure how I can get it out of my head. Any ideas most welcome, even if its just to tell me I'm an idiot.

Could you tell yourself that you are pleased that he did have happy years and wasn't miserable and alone all his life until you came along?

I'd feel the same, even though I know I'd be irrational too! When I met my now DH, I knew he was divorced (no children) but I just didn't want to know what she looked like. After nearly 20 years together, I still wouldn't want to. I don't really know why; I would just find it quite jarring to see the 'evidence' that he really loved somebody else before he met me 🤷‍♀️.

It's all practice and training for your relationship. His previous relationships taught him the skills he has today that helped him pick you and appreciate you/ treat you well.

That's a really kind and compassionate way of looking at it.

I don't understand the big deal. Me and my partner have looked through all his photographs together, including previous wife and relationships, and I found it quite interesting (and then a bit boring after a while!). Do you feel secure in the relationship?

I think you need to focus on the fact that well, in hindsight it didn't work out! They have seperated for a reason and that reason being that they weren't truly happy in the end.
How is your relationship with him? If you feel you aren't getting 100% of him, I can see why seeing him happy in those photos would have affected you.
If your relationship is great in every way and he is 100% committed I would try and push this at the back of my mind and if those photos are printed then hide them in the deepest drawer and forget all about them.

@IncompleteSenten thats what I've been trying to tell myself, at least he had someone who was there for him and supported him.

@MsVestibule Thats exactly it, I didnt ever want to know but now i've seen it I'm feeling very down. I know he loves me and we're happy together and I just wish I'd not seen them.

@Mushroomlady I do feel very secure in the relationship and I do know everyone is different with their feelings and how they deal with things. I think it was just a shock to see them when I wasnt expecting to and seeing how happy they were together before me. I think everyone wants to feel special and the only person their partner has ever loved so I guess theres that too.

@EarthSwallowMeWhole We are very happy together. We've been through a lot together too and we are 100% committed to each other. I know i'm being silly.

All you can do is remind yourself that nothing has actually changed. It might seem a bit more real now you’ve seen the pictures, but his ex always existed, and the marriage was always (and still is) over.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Thats really hit home, thank you. Makes so much more sense looking at it this way. I know people change and I know he's not the same person he was back then and neither am I so I need to bear that in mind too.

I can relate to that. DP and ex weren’t married but together over 20 years, no kids. But… they lived a completely different lifestyle to us. We live together but I have two kids (from a previous relationship)and life is… well, it’s life with kids. Kids films and days out and then being ill and making us ill and not wanting to sleep (you know, kids stuff, they aren’t awful). Which he’s never had before. He was single for a few years before me but before that he had 2 decades (early 20s up to early 40s) of doing whatever they wanted- expensive holidays every year and stuff. We’ve not managed more than a few nights away camping yet! Although we are starting to talk about holidays but again, they’ll be very different holidays. And not every year! One day I was helping him sort out some stuff and there were framed photos and an album, of them in various exotic places doing various exotic things that we will never do. It really got to me and for days I felt awful that he used to have this life and now he just has… us. I wouldn’t change my life for anything but I’m not secure in how he feels about me anyway so this just made it all so much worse. I never told him I saw them and I know he can’t change his past, I wouldn’t want him to. And I’m very glad he had these experiences and wasn’t lonely. But I didn’t want to see it! I’m also very glad about the life I’ve had and having my kids.

Anyway a while later I saw some photos in the bin, he had binned every one with her in it. He still have photos of him holding a monkey or drinking cocktails or swimming or whatever. I asked why and he said he found some old album he’d forgotten about and he didn’t want or need any photos of her so he ditched them.

@PainPainGoAwayToday This is exactly it. He was with her for 14 years, married for a short while as things changed early on. But their wedding was huge, horse drawn carriage the lot. They went on holiday all over together, were always at posh restaurants, she was very glam and always in full makeup, perfect hair the lot and they never had kids. He met me, I was a single parent with pets also so we dont have the funds or time for any posh holidays, nights out etc But he's told me hes happier than he ever had been and I completely believe that as his friends have also said they can see how happy he is now. I know I need to trust that and get the ex out of my mind but they looked so happy and it was a shock.

Also, the photos were on one of his friends facebook page that came up as a memory so I know he has no physical ones of back then.

Sounds very similar (other than the marriage part) and I sympathise. I try to remember it didn’t work out with them and hopefully it will with us! He clearly adores my children and I think would’ve wanted his own (she couldn’t have them and he says he loved her more than he wanted them). And he seems happy, same here a friend has said he looks happy and his family have thanked me for making him happy. He still has his hobbies etc, I also get on better with his family than she did! His life has changed a lot but I hope it isn’t worse… With us though, he can’t express emotions very well so he can’t/won’t reassure me so I have to rely on everyone else telling me he’s happy!

Realistically I know there’s nothing I (or you) can do. They were together. They had a past. We know we did too (although I’ve never been this happy tbh). Doesn’t make it easy to see photos of them though!

Does he get on with your kids?
Did his friend share the memory of his wedding day knowing he’s divorced and with someone else?!

X

I am gobsmacked you don’t know what his ex looked like, also I guess if there were no kids you might not. (This is not a criticism, just my partner does have kids which means I talk to his ex twice a week or so.)

OP, I would just think that whatever went wrong with that relationship, has made yours better. Also you would presumably have wanted him to be happy. Other than that I think it’s just surprise and you’ll get used to it - if you’d seen those photos early in your relationship you’d have thought nothing of it.

@PainPainGoAwayToday It does sound very similar and I'm so pleased you are happy and also making him happy. Its nice that you've found each other. My DP gets on really well with my kids, they call him their step dad and to be honest he's actually done more for them than their own dad does so thats a bonus. He always wanted kids too but he isnt able to have them, plus we're a bit old now.

I know I get on better with his family than his ex did too and his friends. They have all said how overjoyed they are that I'm part of his life and have supported him in his ventures etc as he has done with me.

His friend shared a memory of an album with many old photos and I dont think he realised that those ones were in there. My DP wasnt tagged or anything but they were all there together and it hurt seeing them all so happy. xx

@Luredbyapomegranate Yes you're right. I think its made him stronger dealing with what he went through and a lot of our friends and family have said that we were meant to be together after we'd dealt with other stuff in our lives. I'll get there, I just need to keep my rational head on.

Well it sounds to me like you’re making him very happy too (you, your kids and your life together). Everyone is happy on holidays, wedding day etc or they wouldn’t be together at all. It’s being happy on the boring days at home together even when doing laundry and putting the bins out that makes it last. They clearly didn’t work for a reason so maybe us having such different relationships is what’s going to make them work! xx

I felt the same for a good couple of years tbh, not helped by the inlaws keeping the wedding photos up! But anyway once we became more and more serious it all went to the the back of my mind. I think as DH has kids with her that made it quite tricky. But as a PP said she was a practice run.

Is it the proposal and the wedding that's got you, do you think? Is that something you'd like?

Listen to "in my life" by the Beatles. Always sums it up for me.

My dp (and me) were both married before. Whilst I don't want to think about it too deeply, I know that photos may shake me a bit- but they are just that- photos of people smiling. I know deep down he is wasn't happy, and it wasn't a fairytale, otherwise they'd still be married!

It may be just the shock of seeing it and it will soon wear off.

Have you ever had a romantic proposal?
Maybe the jealousy comes from you never having the same experience as he did with his ex.

I know I’ve seen photos of my ex and his ex having a baby and being overjoyed with being parents.
I definitely felt jealous because I never had that experience as I was a single parent.

But I got over it as I knew he had a child when I got with him. But it definitely made me feel a bit upset.

It sounds bad but I’d rather be with someone who had a healthy relationship with their ex, than one that had an unhealthy relationship and I had to deal with the consequences of it.

Since you and his ex are so different it should comfort you.

She's not his person, you are!

I get the impression that his ex was a bit 'for show'. Their relationship was probably the same. It might have looked lovely and glamorous on the outside. But you know the reality was that they weren't happy.

My DH and I have never been a couple for grand gestures. Never bought valentines presents for each other etc. But he will buy me a bar of chocolate from the petrol station on a random afternoon because he knows it's my favourite. He had a cuppa waiting for me this morning after the school run even though he's been glued to the toilet for the last 24 hours cos he knew I had a stressful morning getting my eldest out to school. That's how we show each other we care. It sounds like you and your DP are similar. Whereas his ex had a different way of showing their affection.

Here’s some advice: grow up OP 🙄

Dp's ex wife packed a lot of photos of them when they were younger in his stuff that she sent from the old Marital home when it was sold (which was years after they split) and I found them when he asked me to go through it to look for a tagine pot thing he wanted. She also put in lots of pictures of her topless on holiday and two photos albums of her hen night with added 'hilarious' notations. Odd as she had the affair and ended their marriage and has made every attempt to make his life a living hell ever since. I guess it was just kind of marking what she oddly sees as her territory or whatever, or done to upset me. It couldn't have been a mistake as she sent him one box of stuff, in which were these pictures, some pots and pans and two plastic children's plates. (He had to go court to get the rest of his possessions from what was a 5 bed house).
It did weirdly upset me a bit-just odd to see him happy and at the beginning of a journey that at the time he didn't foresee would end in awfulness... and yes I was oddly jealous in a weird sort of way-even though I know how unhappy he was in the end, and that he loves me now.
Might just have been that I regret I didn't meet him sooner-and I suppose she will have been lots of his firsts (marriage, kids etc) in a way that I can never be.
I didn't dwell on it or even mention it to him, and he simply chucked them out of his own accord when he went through his stuff.
When I was moving out of my old house I found my wedding dress from my first marriage. I'd no use for it and it was stained anyway so I chucked it in the skip. DP actually went to get it out as he said it must have memories etc and maybe my kids would want it later. I wanted nothing to do with it so back in the skip it went.

I guess most second time arounders encounter something like this as they get together. The important thing is to focus on the present and the future. You can't change or dwell on what was before.

@GreenManalishi Maybe one day but not just yet. I think the thing in those pics is the way the proposal was done (in a place where I'd always wanted to go and had told him about and he said nothing about ever been there before) but he had already told me he designed her ring and she hated it and refused to wear it.

@Noteverybodylives I dont even think its jealousy as I had a really nice wedding with my ex (just to the wrong person) but that ended 12 years ago and theres no photos of us anywhere.

@Juicelooseabootthehoose Thats exactly how we are with each other. We gift thoughtful presents, he gave me a heart shaped petal he found recently which cost nothing but meant the world to me and he makes the bed every morning while I get the kids ready etc.

@warofthemonstertrucks Thats an awful thing to do to someone, I'm glad there are no crazy ex's on the scene here. I think the thing here is I regret not meeting him sooner too. Although I do believe we have to go through some stuff to make us better people and set us up for the right person.

@KentuckyDerbyandJoan I do hope you're not in a job that required empathy