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Original poster

Do slow burners ever work?

29 replies

Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 21:28

Pretty much as the title says.

Has anyone ever not particularly fancied / liked someone at the start but gave it a chance? Any success stories?

I feel bad as i always thought early stages should be heart eyes and teenage feeling and everyone deserves to be looked at as if they're the best thing in the world. Can it grow?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2022 21:49

Yes.

IRL though, not OLD.

NotJustAnybody · 15/09/2022 21:57

I've been married more than once and done a lot of OLD. In my experience you can still click with someone you don't necessarily find attractive but perhaps like their personality or sense of humour. Christ, I've fallen into bed with some ugly feckers in my time because they've pushed the right buttons, at the time.
If it's long term love you're looking for then I'd say that they'd have to tick all the boxes to start off with. If attractiveness (relative to you) is important to, then don't compromise. Looks don't change but facets of personality do.

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 22:27

Its someone ive known since i was around 10.. im 33 now. He has pursued me for around 8 years now and ive been on 2 dates with him so far.

I wonder if its because ive always been friends with him? Not overly close but always around.

I feel bad as he is lovely. Has done more for me in 2 dates than my ex's have in years. Wants to make my life easier and treat me well. Really handsome, has alot of women after him, just not my type. Wondering if it can grow organically..

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/09/2022 22:28

It's the opposite way round, you can change your looks but not your personality? Anyway, I'm a sucker I think for the spark and the chemistry. But I have learnt that it can be the reason red flags can get glossed over and missed. Having said that, I've tried both approaches and neither way worked out any better than the other, compatibility is a complex thing, especially the older you get.

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 22:31

Opentooffers · 15/09/2022 22:28

It's the opposite way round, you can change your looks but not your personality? Anyway, I'm a sucker I think for the spark and the chemistry. But I have learnt that it can be the reason red flags can get glossed over and missed. Having said that, I've tried both approaches and neither way worked out any better than the other, compatibility is a complex thing, especially the older you get.

Literally same. Tried both fireworks and the safer options and neither worked. Im well lost tbh. Its nice to be treated nice and have someone honestly adore you but i dont feel that for him - yet or if ever 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 22:39

Always remember people saying 'be with someone who loves you more than you love them' etc but that feels cruel. One because he deserves someone to look at him with adoration. And 2, i feel like i deserve that feeling towards someone. But then i look back at the guys who were lovely but i had no attraction to and over the years saying 'man i wish i ended up with the nice guy' anyone i really fancied i looked at them with basically blind eyes and overlooked things i shouldnt have 😭😭 ffs

OP posts:
mindutopia · 15/09/2022 22:55

Do you have fun with him and enjoy your time together? It’s only been 2 dates. I’d keep it casual and see how it goes.

Tbh, when I met Dh, I thought he was funny and enjoyed spending time with him (he was in my social circle so we hung out a lot with friends). But totally didn’t see him ‘like that’. We spent a lot of time together, and it took some time for it to finally click. He was about as far opposite from my ‘type’ as you could probably get. It turns out that my ‘type’ was immature arseholes though, so I struggled to see a good thing when it came at me. I think he definitely was more into me than I was him for quite awhile.

We’ve been married 12 years now. He’s the best person I’ve ever known. He’s as devoted to me as he ever was and I fancy the pants off him. I do think it’s easy to think you aren’t attracted to someone if you have tended to be attracted to the wrong things. No harm in giving it a try.

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:01

mindutopia · 15/09/2022 22:55

Do you have fun with him and enjoy your time together? It’s only been 2 dates. I’d keep it casual and see how it goes.

Tbh, when I met Dh, I thought he was funny and enjoyed spending time with him (he was in my social circle so we hung out a lot with friends). But totally didn’t see him ‘like that’. We spent a lot of time together, and it took some time for it to finally click. He was about as far opposite from my ‘type’ as you could probably get. It turns out that my ‘type’ was immature arseholes though, so I struggled to see a good thing when it came at me. I think he definitely was more into me than I was him for quite awhile.

We’ve been married 12 years now. He’s the best person I’ve ever known. He’s as devoted to me as he ever was and I fancy the pants off him. I do think it’s easy to think you aren’t attracted to someone if you have tended to be attracted to the wrong things. No harm in giving it a try.

Thankyou!

Yeah, we've always really got on. The dates flew by and we laughed loads. Before they even end he's trying to set up the next one 🥺

Im naturally very closed off when meeting people but when i like someone i usually have that feeling inside even if i dont give much away. I dont want to kiss him either 😭 maybe im thinking too far forward. Just feels a shame cos he is a lovely guy, has lots of women after him but he is completely set on me. Its so flattering but im just waiting for that spark 🎇

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2022 23:08

Oh!

I was meaning a friendship developing into something more over time and the dating happens as a result of that growing attraction - the spark ignites.

I never realised you meant if you’re already dating.

I’d say if you’ve known him that long as a friend and That Feeling hasn’t developed, then, probably not.

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:11

DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2022 23:08

Oh!

I was meaning a friendship developing into something more over time and the dating happens as a result of that growing attraction - the spark ignites.

I never realised you meant if you’re already dating.

I’d say if you’ve known him that long as a friend and That Feeling hasn’t developed, then, probably not.

😭😭

Yes, 2 dates so far. He texts morning noon and night. Gives me reassurance. It should give me butterflies no? Give it time? 😫😫

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 15/09/2022 23:12

If you don't want to kiss him then I think it's not going to happen I'm afraid.

I'm all for the slow burn, I knew my DH for about seven years before we got together but I just don't think we looked at each other that way because we were both in relationships. As soon as we both weren't it was like... hello! But I wanted to kiss him, I really fancied him.

If you don't feel like that, and you know him well, then I'm not sure it can develop really. It's not about looks, it's about chemistry.

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:18

mistermagpie · 15/09/2022 23:12

If you don't want to kiss him then I think it's not going to happen I'm afraid.

I'm all for the slow burn, I knew my DH for about seven years before we got together but I just don't think we looked at each other that way because we were both in relationships. As soon as we both weren't it was like... hello! But I wanted to kiss him, I really fancied him.

If you don't feel like that, and you know him well, then I'm not sure it can develop really. It's not about looks, it's about chemistry.

Im very much someone who can only kiss and become affectionate once i have a good connection. I just wonder if im struggling to see him in a different light. Ive always known him to be in a relationship, or me to be in a relationship. Its the first time ive given him a chance. As much as i like spark i do move really slowly but know inside 'ok i feel this, i feel that' i just dont know what i feel or if that feeling will slowly come over time

OP posts:
MsCactus · 15/09/2022 23:18

I dated someone who liked me a lot more, who was less attractive than me... But I always loved his personality. In fact when I met him I thought "it's such a shame I don't fancy him as he's so nice"

Well, eleven years later we've been together a decade and married for 4 years.

He's lost a LOT of weight, had braces to fix his wonky teeth, got in shape and is now incredibly attractive compared to when we met.

I'm the same looks wise (ish, bit older) but now he's probably the more attractive one. Really taught me how superficial looks are... Though it's nice to introduce him to new people and then be impressed I have such a handsome husband 😂🙈

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:20

MsCactus · 15/09/2022 23:18

I dated someone who liked me a lot more, who was less attractive than me... But I always loved his personality. In fact when I met him I thought "it's such a shame I don't fancy him as he's so nice"

Well, eleven years later we've been together a decade and married for 4 years.

He's lost a LOT of weight, had braces to fix his wonky teeth, got in shape and is now incredibly attractive compared to when we met.

I'm the same looks wise (ish, bit older) but now he's probably the more attractive one. Really taught me how superficial looks are... Though it's nice to introduce him to new people and then be impressed I have such a handsome husband 😂🙈

Omg i started this not knowing which direction it was gonna go 😂

Love this for you ♥️♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:21

MsCactus · 15/09/2022 23:18

I dated someone who liked me a lot more, who was less attractive than me... But I always loved his personality. In fact when I met him I thought "it's such a shame I don't fancy him as he's so nice"

Well, eleven years later we've been together a decade and married for 4 years.

He's lost a LOT of weight, had braces to fix his wonky teeth, got in shape and is now incredibly attractive compared to when we met.

I'm the same looks wise (ish, bit older) but now he's probably the more attractive one. Really taught me how superficial looks are... Though it's nice to introduce him to new people and then be impressed I have such a handsome husband 😂🙈

LOVE that it worked out for you♥️♥️♥️. Maybe the same for me and i just dont know it yet

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2022 23:22

Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:11

😭😭

Yes, 2 dates so far. He texts morning noon and night. Gives me reassurance. It should give me butterflies no? Give it time? 😫😫

Show quote history

Yeah, it should give you butterflies and/or a warm fuzzy feeling of familiarity, safety and security and a glowy happiness. And you should definitely be wanting to kiss him!

mistermagpie · 15/09/2022 23:27

MsCactus · 15/09/2022 23:18

I dated someone who liked me a lot more, who was less attractive than me... But I always loved his personality. In fact when I met him I thought "it's such a shame I don't fancy him as he's so nice"

Well, eleven years later we've been together a decade and married for 4 years.

He's lost a LOT of weight, had braces to fix his wonky teeth, got in shape and is now incredibly attractive compared to when we met.

I'm the same looks wise (ish, bit older) but now he's probably the more attractive one. Really taught me how superficial looks are... Though it's nice to introduce him to new people and then be impressed I have such a handsome husband 😂🙈

I'm not sure that's taught you how superficial looks are, unless you're telling it wrong?

Original poster
Cyprusx · 15/09/2022 23:29

I feel like 🥹😌 rather than 😍🔥

Its not down to being unattractive. He really is good looking.

Im gonna see him tomorrow and maybe a few more times after and just see 🤷🏻‍♀️ 2 times is maybe premature to write it off. We'll stay friends regardless, maybe im just impatient 😭

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 15/09/2022 23:51

Slow burners are definitely ok with me Had four decent length relationships in my life - 3 years, 4 years, 1 year and a 20 plus year marriage. On each occasion I'd got to know them a bit before a relationship started. Meant I felt comfortable with them

Two I slept with on the first night - the other two it was weeks/months. Big thing for me was I already knew enough to know I was attracted to them. I'm much more on personality / attitude to life than looks as well

TokenGinger · 15/09/2022 23:53

DP and I were slow burners to begin with. I think I was more into it than he was. He was very much engrained in his own ways and was married to work. He'd work all hours and we'd get very little time together, so the first year or so was pretty casual.

I think we're getting on for either 6 or 7 years now in January, and have our second DC due in January, too.

louderthan · 16/09/2022 00:43

Yes. OLD. We were together for almost six years, lived together and were very happy. We broke up but are still on very good terms.

Naimee87 · 17/09/2022 08:21

I posted about a similar situation. I had a friend who wanted to take things further, we would do so much together, drinks once a week at each others flats. Weekend excursions, he was great with my DS. We have a lot in common and time flies when we’re together. He has been supportive with a lot of ongoing school issues we’ve had. And i honestly thought ‘come on spark where the fuck are you’…but i felt absolutely nothing for him. Even though on paper he was pretty much what i (thought) i was looking for. He’s not a bad looking guy either. Thing is i wasn’t even tempted to give it a try i knew it wasn’t for me even though i knew i was turning down a really good dependable guy who are so rare and scarce these days. But i think moving things forward when one person is totally invested and ‘all in’ and the other isn’t, is really unfair on the other person. The fact you don’t even want to kiss him sounds like he’s already been friendzoned? Could be wrong though… but i need the chemistry/butterflies and i think its entirely possible to find a good mix where mutual attraction is there as well as finding each others personalities attractive too. Gooood Luck!!!! 💪🏻🍀

Original poster
Cyprusx · 17/09/2022 10:47

Naimee87 · 17/09/2022 08:21

I posted about a similar situation. I had a friend who wanted to take things further, we would do so much together, drinks once a week at each others flats. Weekend excursions, he was great with my DS. We have a lot in common and time flies when we’re together. He has been supportive with a lot of ongoing school issues we’ve had. And i honestly thought ‘come on spark where the fuck are you’…but i felt absolutely nothing for him. Even though on paper he was pretty much what i (thought) i was looking for. He’s not a bad looking guy either. Thing is i wasn’t even tempted to give it a try i knew it wasn’t for me even though i knew i was turning down a really good dependable guy who are so rare and scarce these days. But i think moving things forward when one person is totally invested and ‘all in’ and the other isn’t, is really unfair on the other person. The fact you don’t even want to kiss him sounds like he’s already been friendzoned? Could be wrong though… but i need the chemistry/butterflies and i think its entirely possible to find a good mix where mutual attraction is there as well as finding each others personalities attractive too. Gooood Luck!!!! 💪🏻🍀

Thats exactly what my turmoil was. I felt bad for him and he deserves that feeling too! I dont want to force to feel something. Ive done thst in the past and when times get rough, u dont even have the attraction to fall back on. I ended up getting the ick 😭

I saw him yesterday and nothings growing other than my feeling of needing to run away 😫

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 17/09/2022 10:51

Sounds like he's feeling the feelings for you already.

Sounds like you already know you're not feeling the feelings for him.

Stop stringing him along now.

MissSmiley · 17/09/2022 11:32

Have you ever actually kissed him? Sometimes the butterflies come from that, at least give him a snog before you write him off

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