How do you confront when you have spied?

[Allthewaysforward]

I know I shouldn’t go around spying on my OH but I had suspicions and I did. I don’t think he is having sex with anybody else but he definitely has a friendship which is far closer than I am happy with.
I have confronted him about this previously and he promised to cut contact. He hasn’t cut contact. I looked at his phone and found a message. The message was nothing sexual but definitely means they haven’t cut contact.
if I confront him, he will be angry that I haven’t trusted him and have spied on him. But of course I don’t trust him and with good reason it seems.
WTF do I do?

You need to sit down and decide if you want too remain in this relationship, you dont trust him, he doesn't respect your worries, you are worried he will get angry, you shouldn't feel the need to snoop in a trusting and loving relationship.

If at all possible, I would keep spying without commenting, until I was aware of a time and place that they intended to meet. Then I would walk in, and no explanations are needed, as they're caught red handed.

But this would be a pivotal moment in a relationship, and if it was me, I would end the relationship then. However, reading between the lines, it seems you're not ready to do that. I don't know what else to offer, OP - sorry :(

I'd just tell him. If he wasn't doing anything wrong there wouldn't be an issue.

What do you hope to gain from the confrontation?

He will be angry, apologize, promise to really really cut contact this time for real, then, in all likelihood just be even sneakier with his behaviour.

You divorce him. Being married to a person you clearly don't trust is just a farce.

He's got a friendship which is closer than you are happy with. It's clearly not closer than what he is happy with. I think "banning" people, or forcing your DP to cut contact with someone is dangerous ground.

However given that you are where you are, if you're not prepared to move on from the relationship yet I'd watch and wait.

Just tell him, however he does want the friendship. Perhaps think if this is still the right relationship for you.

Have been there, should have saved a years worth of self respect and walked out there and then, but I just said "Why are you still in contact with xxx?", did not bother to say how I knew... argued, rowed, made up... and he continued doing exactly what he wanted anyhow... til the next time.

I am ready to end the relationship. I still love him and it hurts like hell but I can no longer trust him. I’m worried about the kids, I’m worried about coping physically on my own but I don’t want to stay with somebody who has so little respect for me.
he is currently at work. I’m going to confront him but not until the kids are in bed.
i can’t bear being in a relationship where I have to constantly doubt wether the other person is being truthful or not.
he thinks it isn’t important because there is nothing sexual between him and this other person but emotional affairs are just as damaging.

Sorry for the poor grammar and punctuation. I can’t think or type straight right now.

You're ready to end the relationship anyway. And he will likely make it all on you and blame you for making that decision. As so often happens.

I think if it was me, and I'd made the same decision as you I would say.
'I just want to ask you a question OH. Have you been in contact with X recently'

If he says no. Just shrug and tell him you think its best you seperate as you know he has just lied to your face and you can no longer trust anything he says. (he does not need to know how you know this information).

If he says Yes. Just shrug and say in that case I obviously can't trust you and I think its best we seperate.

At least this way it will be made pretty damn clear to him that he is one who has ultimately caused the seperation.

Just end it. You've made your boundaries clear. He's made it clear he's not willing to accept them and carried on regardless. You aren't compatible.

He will know how I found out the information. There is only the one way that I could have possibly found out.

I’ve taken a screenshot, I’m going to ask him outright and when he lies I will just give him the screenshot.

this hurts so much but my self respect means a lot to me.

In that case you don't need to show him the "evidence" or tell him what you've found. You only need to let him know that the relationship has run it's course as far as you're concerned and that you would like to seperate.

If he wants to continue with the emotional friendship then he will find a way, he will change her name, do it in private, block you on his phone, change his account access. Is it worth it, telling him you have seen his messages may not stop his emotional affair.

He promised to cut contact.

Alltheways, your H opened a window to OW, over-invested emotionally, and damaged your marriage. He promised to close that window, and, for your peace of mind, you checked to make sure he followed through. Now you know the score. He broke his promise, which means he is still in ‘infidelity,’

This would be it for me.

How close is too close? Perhaps he doesn't agree that he is too close to her. I am not sure that you can demand he cut contact with her - that was never going to work. You say that you don't think they are having sex, and that the message was non sexual so why do you have a problem with his friendship?

Everyone needs friends and I wonder whether it is just the fact that this friend is female that bothers you? I have had a life-long relationship with a man that isn't my partner. I can talk to him about anything in the way that other women talk to their female friends - is that wrong? If any of my partners had asked me to give up that friendship I would have refused or in one case when I had a very jealous narcissistic DH (now ex), I hid the relationship completely.

Has he checked out of the relationship with you? Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then you should leave but please think carefully and decide whether you are over-reacting to his friendship before you accuse him of something.

@Plantstrees what I know about the friendship tells me that it has gone way too far. My OH has a lot of female friends, some he has been close friends with for way longer than this one. I have zero problems with all his other friendships. I know if I had similar interactions with a male friend it would be a problem and I would have to quit the friendship if I wanted to save my relationship.
it wasn’t a decision I took lightly to tell him I couldn’t tolerate this friendship. It has gone from friendship to emotional affair.

What bothers you about this particular relationship ?

Good luck. Go with your gut.

I was in the same position a few years ago. Checked his phone and saw msg's between him and ex. From the content of the msgs it was clear that they'd talked about me, about how much he missed her. I found nothing to suggest that they'd met up. But that was enough of a betrayal for me. I couldn't trust him. Yes, I got the 'you shouldn't have looked on my phone!'. Well, he could huff and puff all he liked, I'd caught him out.
I would add that a few days later, he wormed his way back, insisting nothing physical happened and he felt lonely, it was stupid, blah blah blah. We limped on a couple more weeks but it had ruined everything. I didn't trust him.

@declutteringmymind the things that bothers me is it’s an identical situation to what @NotJustAnybody is describing

It’s the talking about me in a negative manner and being far too cosy for my
liking

@Allthewaysforward - I took a few snap shots of the msgs. The funny thing is, I'd send one to him and he'd defend it, only for me to send another proving him to be lying! Looking back, it was ridiculous that I didn't throw him out there and then. I got caught up in him defending himself, declaring his undying love and feeling guilty at snooping!! Like I said, we dragged on a couple of weeks but as much as I wanted to believe him, it changed things.

OP he does not have the right to be angry.