How do you confront when you have spied?

[Allthewaysforward]

I know I shouldn’t go around spying on my OH but I had suspicions and I did. I don’t think he is having sex with anybody else but he definitely has a friendship which is far closer than I am happy with.
I have confronted him about this previously and he promised to cut contact. He hasn’t cut contact. I looked at his phone and found a message. The message was nothing sexual but definitely means they haven’t cut contact.
if I confront him, he will be angry that I haven’t trusted him and have spied on him. But of course I don’t trust him and with good reason it seems.
WTF do I do?

And lets face it if he has checked out of your relationship, you are already coping on your own

Alltheways, trust in what you know — this is not a platonic friendship. It sounds like they built up an affair bubble of mutual attraction, validation and confiding. Your H’s trashing you to OW is despicable.

Have you previously written about this? I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you by minimizing or blame-shifting. He chose to break your agreement and that’s that. You and the children deserve an emotionally safe and stable home, not one filled with anxiety and uncertainty.

And I apologize for typing H instead of OH.

Bit like with Carrie when tracking Brody.

I’ve been in exactly this situation.

I let the emotional affair run a bit and didn’t say anything as I knew he’d deny it. Just kept monitoring the messages.

I was accused of being an abuser by him for checking his phone, so I’d avoid fessing up. He’ll just make it about your wrong doing.

the thing I learnt from it was that you don’t need ‘proof’ except to give yourself assurance that you aren’t going mad/ over reacting.

it sounds like you’re already using the info to make a decision about your future. I’d save yourself any more heartache or wasted time.

Or , if you really want to catch him- have they planned to meet up? Use the information you gather to engineer a way you can ‘accidentally’ catch them together. Or Why not just say, ‘ I saw you with X at Y’.

either way, just say you know it’s still continuing. ( no need to show proof) and that’s why you’re ending the relationship.

can I also say please don’t worry about leaving him- you’re already on your own. My life is so much easier without my exH. You will be happy. One day you might even thank him for this, as it’s got you out of a relationship with someone who has already checked out. You can meet someone who appreciates you ( if that’s what you want).

it’s hard to imagine right now, but one day you’ll be telling this story to your friends in the pub and laughing about his pathetic behaviour.

Thank you everyone. Your advice was really reassuring.
I confronted him, he lied, I told him what I knew, I told him it is over between us.
He eventually admitted the truth. I told him it is too late, it’s over.

I’m so sorry, Allthewaysforward. He’s a faithless liar. He had the chance to rebuild and strengthen your marriage, but instead chose to destroy it.

Do you have trusted family/friends who can support you as you navigate this?

I'm so sorry that he lied and you're going through this. But think on the bright side. Hes told you exactly who he is. Willing to lie to your face to keep this 'friendship'. And you can now be confident you have made the right decision. No one needs that sort of insecurity and rubbish in their life.

The next few weeks, possibly months will be hard but when you come out the other side you will honestly feel like you can breathe again properly for the first time and its the best decision you ever made.

I would just ask him if he has cut contact with this woman, if he says yes then you know he's lying (which you know already anyway) and make your decision. You don't have to let him know you've looked at his phone.

Oops missed your last post. Sorry it's turned out this way x

OP I was in this position, DH was overly friendly with a colleague but it was clear there was flirting and she was sending him inappropriate things (not nudes) that you wouldn’t send to a friend. If he carried on the relationship would have ended, everyone needs healthy boundaries in a relationship, if they aren’t willing to put you first, there clearly is a lack of respect there.

Well done OP for not tolerating this shit
Better days are coming for you , keep strong

Good on you. Stick to your guns.
Don't stay with a person who doesn't respect you. Let alone a liar who slags you off to other women. Fuck that. Your partner is suppised to be your best mate. Would you tolerate a best mate talking about ýou like that?

Get him gone.

@Allthewaysforward so sorry you’re going through this, but you’ve just got through the worst of it. Well done for confronting him.

There are good times ahead for you. Chin up x

Good on you, OP.

I don't know if I'm just a weirdo with nothing interesting going on, but I truly don't understand the whole "privacy" issue with phones. It's just a phone!! Not your dirty knickers. I couldn't care less if Bob down the street had a gander through mine, I've nothing to hide!

I'd feel more upset about my partner going through my bag or drawers than my phone.

And I cannot stand men (because it usually is men ime) who flip the blame onto their partner for looking through their phone. If they found something bad, then I'd say they were bloody right to have a look!

Tbf it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do in this scenario. Sometimes the smart things is a little moraly ambigious. Doesn't mean that you're immoral, because you even feel guilty about it. Even though it was the senisble course of action.

Does he feel guilty about slagging you off to a random, lying,breaking his promises? Does he buggery. THATS an immoral person.

The fact that you checked his phone...it's a ñon issue in this scenario tbh (still the same if the genders were reversed btw) If he holds it against you it's only because he is trying to turn you into the bad guy to take the heat off himself.

@Lunabun I totally agree.

That could've have been easy for you. Well done for not tolerating the lying. Sending you a virtual hug...

I meant "couldn't have"

Bloody men. Why do they lie? He obvs thought he was going to get away with it.

Well done.

Well done, op. Please, don't make the mistake of taking him back.

How is it going, Alltheways?

Hi everyone
sorry, I went quiet and haven’t responded.
I’ve taken the kids and gone to stay at my mums. It’s been very chaotic and I haven’t had time to stop and think.
I haven’t told my mum the reason behind the separation, I just told her we had split and I needed somewhere to stay with the kids. To be honest, I can’t bring myself to tell her the reason for the split. I feel an absolute idiot.
the reassurance you have all given me Has been really helpful.