5 weeks and still distraught

[Mollylegs]

Hi, my husband of 20 years left me 5 weeks ago and I just can't pick myself up and stop being so upset. It was out of the blue and I just can't stop crying. He is not coming back as he is already talking about selling the house, my name isn't on the mortgage but I have been told because we're married I should get half. To be honest though I'm not even thinking about that. I can't stop crying, I can't really eat or sleep, I lost a stone in the first week. We have an 18 year old son who is more like 15/16 age wise, his dad has hardly bothered with him since he left, he has only spoken to me by text a few times, apparently he doesn't want to speak to me. I put a post on last night in AIBU as I said it's just coming up 5 weeks and it seems the couple of people I do have who have checked in on me are saying I need to be pulling my socks up and why am I still crying. Maybe I am being pathetic and I should be acting better by now but in all honestly all I want to do is sob. I've lost the love of my life and I don't know why, all I want is him to come home but I know that isn't going to happen. I feel like I'm failing my son by being so upset, he hates me crying but I can't help it. It's just so hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Can anyone tell me if it's going to get any better, because if it wasn't for my son I'd rather not be here.

20 years is a long time, your not going to be over it in 5 bloody weeks! You need to be kind to yourself, it's normal to feel up and down. I don't have any advise, just that it will get better with time

Exercise as much as you can, long walks to exhaust you so you can sleep better. The endorphins from the movement will dull the pain a little bit. Drink chamomile or lavender teas to settle your nerves. Pick up some multivitamins to perk you up a little. You’re still in a state of shock, it must all still feel very surreal. I promise you won’t always feel this way. It will pass, guaranteed. Just wait patiently for the days to pass, you’ll be there before you know it.

In the meantime, watch funny or light and fluffy TV programmes, get yourself a takeaway, scented bath with salts and essential oils.

Tell those you are close to what has happened and seek comfort from them, maybe even ask for a hug. Call the Samaritans if the evenings get too long and lonely, if you don’t love the volunteer, hang up and try again, there are some lovely people there.

Pamper yourself a bit, do your nails, fix your hair, spray some perfume on nice clean bedsheets to make you feel luxurious and cozy.

I’m in heartbreak as well and it’s excruciating, I’m so sorry. The pain will leave soon, and you will find yourself laughing again, and when you do, come back to this thread and tell us all about it to cheer up other suffering souls. Big hug for you my dear, it’s going to be okay.

Katy rosebug, thank you just for being kind enough to reply x

Hi Petalparty, you seem to know the pain I am feeling, it's unbelieveabley painful. I just wish the pain would go away, I feel awful for my son as I'm not coping very well at all. How can something hurt so much??

Are you managing to sleep? I know it's an awful situation and tbh 5 weeks is no time after so long and it seeming like such a shock. I'm terribly sorry you are in such pain. Take care of yourself, one day this will pass and you will feel yourself again, currently you are grieving for a loss, the loss of your marriage.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and I can’t imagine how devastated you must be feeling.
can you get angry?
I don’t want to sound harsh but presumably he has another woman if he wants to move on so quickly by selling the house.
do you know where he is living and who with?
were there any signs such as a change in his behaviour?
I know this must be hard but if you know why he left then that might start a process of being able to heal/move on a little.
hope that doesn’t sound insensitive.

Hi PPOP, no I;m not sleeping very well at all, its affected my eating and my toilet habits too, I've lost a stone in weight in 1 week. It hurts so much, it's hard to explain, it's pathetic I know but I just want him to walk in the the door and say hes sorry and I'd want to have him back

It took me years to be ok. You are in shock and need to grieve. But life goes on. And it's a hurt like no other. Seek support from those around you. Speak to the gp. Antidepressants helped the over whelming emotions I had. But I know that's not for everyone. And seek out counselling so you have space to work through your feelings.

Time to be practical. Do you work? Gather financial information seek legal advice and take control of the situation. I know you don't want o but don't cut your nose off now.

Start decluttering at home. Move things around. Pack his things up. If he is going, he takes all his shit with him.

And don't reach out to him anymore. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Do not respond or send messages with emotions. Time for business like contact. Write things, edit and edit again and then sleep on them before sending.

You know you are going to be ok. What's the alternative. It is just going to take time to adjust and accept your new reality. I promise you in time you will be ok.

Anyone who told you to pull yourself together was probably a troll scrolling the late-night posts, because there's no way any sane person would say you should be getting over this in just five weeks. Explain to your DS that while you appreciate it's hard for him to see you so upset, this is your way of processing the loss and it will pass, it's just particularly tough at the moment. Then start practising some self care – do things that are comforting, whether it's wallowing in the bath or in a bottle of gin. A break up after 20 years will feel like a death, except the other person is still walking around and that's what hurts and makes it so much harder to move on from. But you WILL get through this.

Hi Speakingofdinosaurs I have been wondering if there is someone else, he has started going out where he used to live with old school friends, getting drunk and coming home at all hours and staying out overnight, but he told me this was just because he didn't want to be at home. I honestly don't know iff he's telling the truth or not.

I have said on here before many times that my "snot and dressing gown" phase lasted ages. Some days I'd be angry, some verging on manic, but mostly I was so, so sad and scared. I'd never lived alone as an adult, I didn't want him to leave and I certainly didn't see it coming. Took me so long to recover I started to doubt I ever would. I did and life is good, but when it happened, I felt like my whole world had ended. Be kind to yourself and try to make sure you sleep and eat well.

HI bookworm It's actually my MIL who is saying by know I should be pulling my big girl pants on and get on with it. I know what you mean about it feeling like a death. Unfortunately until thr last 2 weeks he's been living at his sisters just over the road. He joined a new gym and when he's not there he's going out all the time. There most likely is someone else. I just feel shattered into a million pieces and don't think I will ever be right again

I’m so sorry OP - he’s been living the ‘single’ life / having the classic male mid-life crisis!
He hasn’t been behaving well towards you for some time.
Have you got family or friends in real life that you can talk to about this? it’s always better to talk it out rather than hold it in alone.

It’s really early days. If you’re managing to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other you’re doing great.

It will most likely take you months to feel like you’re getting back on track, so go easy on yourself and don’t listen to anyone who’s telling you to get over it.

Could your MIL have a vested interest in you being ok? She knows her son has hurt you in the most confusing way and she doesn’t want to admit that he’s screwed it up so badly so she wants you to be ok so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

FWIW I’m only now feeling ok after splitting with my DP in December. We’d been together 9 years and didn’t live together so it wasn’t even such a huge upheaval.

I would have happily died a few months ago. If it weren’t for my DCs I may well have done. But luckily they gave me a reason to get up each day. I got some antidepressants and took my time. And finally I’m actually happy. - not just ok. But actually positive. It will come for you too. There’s no timeline on grief, and make no mistake, this is a kind of grief. 💐

Get your hair done, Join The gym and look after yourself.,anybody who can be this cruel isn’t worthy. My dad did this to my mum after 40 years of marriage and she was broken. She went for counseling and went on very mild antidepressants to help her sleep and cope. Sending love x

Oh love ❤️ the pain in your post is heartbreaking.
What you're feeling is grief, and it comes in waves. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and quite honestly it never really leaves for good - but it does get better. It takes time. Now you feel like you'll never smile again, but something will make you laugh, and you'll feel a little bit lighter. There will be good things, good news, the life of your son to celebrate.
This isn't the same, but when I was grieving the loss of my dear pap, there were times I would be so desperately sad I would dry heave and feel constantly sick. The smallest thing pulled me out of it - my little girl said a new word. That was it. As soon as I smiled, I continued to smile at all the good things. And 7 years on, there are days where it's overwhelming, but I find joy in the smallest things. A good book, a fancy coffee from Starbucks - the small things will get you back on track. You sound so lovely, I wish I could give you a hug.
Please do check in here, use this thread to talk. We will listen. ❤️

Hi Maryjolisa, I'm sorry I still haven't worked out how to reply to an individual comment, I would die if I thought anybody thought I was being rude and not replying when everybody has been so kind. I just can't seem to stop crrying and then I get angry with him for hardly bothering to see our son, not many texts asking if he's ok and that really hurts and makes me angry in equal measures. How dare hee treat him like that when that kid adores his dad. Everysingle evening though he is upstairs as soon as he hears his dads car reversing he runs down and jumps on him on the sofa, even at 18 and yet his dad and grandma are trying to make out he's fine with it. They aren't the ones who have been here when as soon as his dad has been to see him for 5 the poor kid loses it. How dare he treat my son like that. Right now I don't see me getting better it feels like i'm getting worse.

Hi Speakingof dinosaurs, I don't have any friends, we moved here to be next to my MIL, you can see her house out of my sons bedroom window and my sister in law lives across the road. Yet my mother in law has only been here twice in 5 weeks and that was for about 2 minutes. We might aswell not exist. I don't have family to speak of so unfortunately I only have my son and when I'm not crying I'm just trying to function, cooking for him, cleaning. How sad do I sound a person with no friends who's life is just falling apart.

Steveharringtons chesthair, I'm getting out of bed but only after a few tears when I first wake up and realise he isn't there. My MIL keeps saying I can tell my son hasn't been happy for ages, which is a laugh considering where she lives that we never see her. I just wish it was all over.

Hey Catlover, he's been very cruel and that is what shocked me as he wasn't that kind of person

I have much sympathy for you and your son you must feel discarded like pieces of rubbish. By all means grieve for your previous life and your marriage but don't be under any illusion that this man is worth your suffering. Even if he did walk back through the door things would never be the same again. You will always wonder whether he is going to dump you again, who else he is cracking on with. The trust will be gone. The respect for him will be gone. Get angry for your boy, and get strong for his sake. His dad has let him down big time, so mum you need to step up. Your love for your son will ultimately override your personal pain and you will recover. Why not start now? Plan some good times for you and son to do starting today. Xxx all the best XX

Hi Fantasylandenthusiest, I do feel like death, my heart is just absolutely broken for my boy and me. He's the only reason I'm still here. I'm just so desperately sad x

Bloody hell, I just read your MIL and SIL live over the road and he's staying there with them, so there's no escape for you. As for your MIL, block her. She is not your friend, she's enabling his behaviour and she probably knows he's met someone else, which is what sounds like has happened, unfortunately. You said your DH is talking about selling the house – painful though it is, it sounds like a good option. You cannot live opposite him like this long-term, especially if there is an OW.

Be kind to yourself, and ask others to do the same. 5 weeks is no time

Oh gosh you poor thing. That’s a terrible shock and honestly 5 weeks is no time at all to start getting over the emotions involved with having your twenty year relationship end suddenly!
MIL is, essentially, talking shit, likely because it makes her feel better about her son treating you so poorly.