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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

5 weeks and still distraught

35 replies

Mollylegs · 15/09/2022 09:48

Hi, my husband of 20 years left me 5 weeks ago and I just can't pick myself up and stop being so upset. It was out of the blue and I just can't stop crying. He is not coming back as he is already talking about selling the house, my name isn't on the mortgage but I have been told because we're married I should get half. To be honest though I'm not even thinking about that. I can't stop crying, I can't really eat or sleep, I lost a stone in the first week. We have an 18 year old son who is more like 15/16 age wise, his dad has hardly bothered with him since he left, he has only spoken to me by text a few times, apparently he doesn't want to speak to me. I put a post on last night in AIBU as I said it's just coming up 5 weeks and it seems the couple of people I do have who have checked in on me are saying I need to be pulling my socks up and why am I still crying. Maybe I am being pathetic and I should be acting better by now but in all honestly all I want to do is sob. I've lost the love of my life and I don't know why, all I want is him to come home but I know that isn't going to happen. I feel like I'm failing my son by being so upset, he hates me crying but I can't help it. It's just so hard to even get out of bed in the morning. Can anyone tell me if it's going to get any better, because if it wasn't for my son I'd rather not be here.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 16/09/2022 10:26

5 weeks is nothing... take small steps, first one is to write a list of what needs doing. Don't do it, just a list.

Then a few bites to eat

Try to do at least one thing you enjoy, a book or a bath

Try and get out of the house for a walk

Don't agree to anything until you're ready, he can't force you to do anything

When you're ready speak to a solicitor and take their advice

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2022 10:33

oh op I’m so sorry this has happened. It’s the most awful pain isn’t it? But I promise you it will get better.

if you a practical person in better times, would making plans to move back to where your friends and family are help at all?

GreenManalishi · 16/09/2022 10:36

This is the worst bit. I promise. It will get better.

Your MIL and SIL are not your friends, any more than he is. From now on you back yourself and your son. You're in shock, I would be tempted to go to the GP and ask for some diazepam so you can get a bit of rest, which will enable you to take some action. Your focus at the moment is just to get yourself back on a bit more of an even keel, do whatever you need to do for that to happen. Treat yourself as though you're dealing with grief.

I know you have recently moved to that new area, do you have any friends or family that could come and visit you, or you them? You could do with some support, can you think of anyone you could call?

Your son is 18, and his relationship with his dad is something you can be supportive of, but you're not responsible for it any more. You don't need to feel guilty.

I would also say that he has someone else, he probably feels ashamed of himself which is why he can't face you or his child, just instil in your DS that this isn't personal, dads' kind of lost the plot and is making some bad decisions at the moment, but it will be ok, he's got you.

Hang in there, just do the day you're in, and if that's too much just do the next hour, or half hour. Break it down, do the next right thing, try to eat. Order a food delivery with all your favourites, some ready meals to chuck in the oven, whatever you fancy is better than nothing. Try and get out of the house once a day, scrape your hair back, stick your dark glasses on and some lipstick and hold your head high.

In practical terms yes you will be entitled to half the house, make an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

It will get better, you will be happy again, possibly happier than you have ever been. Life will be good again, don't despair.

Mollylegs · 16/09/2022 10:38

Hi Alphavilla, it's just so bloody hard to lift myself up from where I am right now, even though I know I should be doing it for my son but i'm really struggling. thanks for your comment x

OP posts:
Mollylegs · 16/09/2022 10:49

Hey bookworm, yeah it's not exactly easy, although he's never there which is making me wonder where he's spending all his time

OP posts:
Mollylegs · 16/09/2022 10:57

Hi Toohottotangoto I haven't worked for 20 years in that time the deal always was I stayed home and looked after our son and the house, he knows I have no income at all, I have had to rely on our son asking him for shopping money for food since he left. I have applied for UC and I will be getting a payment on the 22nd. I can't do anything nice like take my son to the cinema or bowling, I just don't have the funds.

OP posts:
SingingSands · 16/09/2022 11:11

Your husband sounds contemptible. How dare he treat you both like that? He has left you with no way to support yourself, but his previous lifestyle dictated that you did not work? Has he waited until your son was 18 to leave do you think? I am feeling very angry on your behalf. He is out living the single life, enjoying the gym, the pub, his friends and family and you are alone and stressed, with no income! What a charming man.

prisscalledwanda · 16/09/2022 11:48

So sorry to read this OP. 5 weeks is nothing. Of course you aren't over it yet. I would take it in very baby steps and make a list of what you will need to do, and aim to do one of them (just one!) a day. Today you make the list. Tomorrow you book a solicitor appointment. And so on. One foot in front of the other, big deep breaths whenever it feels too much.

Your mother in law sounds utterly toxic as well, I really don't think you should see her as not sure how she is any way supporting or helping you and is making you feel worse. She doesn't get to have an opinion on how you are feeling.

You will get through it. Sending lots of strength.

jelly79 · 16/09/2022 19:08

This is heartbreaking to read so please don't feel like you need to rush how you feel! I'm so sorry OP! The fact he is not for the time being supporting you financially is despicable!

Take your time! Each day at a time! Be kind to yourself and maybe get angry!!

I promise this will get better! Karma is a bitch and he will get his! In the meantime, exercise is hugely beneficial for a better headspace! That would be my number 1 advice!

Sending you love x

User110922 · 16/09/2022 22:53

People can be brutal on AIBU so I don't recommend posting anything relationship related on there, especially if you're in a fragile state of mind.

20 years is one hell of a relationship, I doubt I'd be over it in 5 weeks. Also, you never saw this coming. He completely blindsided you, and that is tough to accept and move on from.

There is no fixed timeline for moving on. We all move at our own pace, so don't let other people tell you how YOU should feel. This is your life, not theirs.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but time will make it better. You'll find that in another 5 weeks, you'll feel at least a fraction better. In a year's time, the pain you feel today will have started to fade, if not largely subsided.

A long-term breakup, especially one out of the blue, can feel like grief. Allow yourself time to grieve the relationship. At the same time, just know that you are worth so much more than a man who can so easily pull the plug after 20 years, with no warning.

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