He didnt know if he could be what I needed...

[isitdawnyet]

I'll keep this as short as I can but my heart this morning, feels a little bit broken.

My partner and I don't live together.
Two of my children have special needs, one extreme anxiety.

I work full time and travel a lot.

He has his own kids but not much of a relationship with any of them.

We see one another eow and an evening or two during alternate weeks.
My life is a fiasco when it comes to my kids. They are deeply affected but their father abandoning them a few years ago.
They walk all over me if I'm to be honest and frankly I'm worn out.

My partner developed a life threatening brain illNess at the beginning of the year.
He has made a good recovery but is not 100% back to himself.
He has become apathetic, down, disinterested in life. He's lost his mojo which is understandable.

He had always been a great support to me but as a man is quite dictatorial when it comes to kids.
One of my children has severe anxiety and when my child is apart from me, gets hysterical, contacts me obsessively etc.
His mental health team have advised me to do certain things with him eg timing calls, time out for me with siblings etc. I follow their advice.
My partner however believes he plays me like a fiddle. At times, my child does but for reasons of anxiety.

My partner feels that because we are not on the same page about my child, that my partner is not what I need.
I believe they're' too much hard work ' for him.

I believe he simply cannot cope with his illness and my kids( despite seeing them once a week ) probably because they make up such a huge part of my life.

I nursed him selflessly through his illness to the detriment of my own health.. silly me and while I don't regret it for a moment, I feel incredibly used and let down.

By nature, he is a self absorbed man so I wonder is it because my energies had to be nearly fully focused on my kids recently and he didn't get much attention ( considering the level he was used to ) .

Help me process this please.
I must go to work today but I need help to get through it.
We , for all intents and purposes finished our relationship last night.
Thanks and have a good day.

If he’s that critical of your kids and parenting I can’t see why you would want to be with him.

He sounds like a dreadful partner illness or not and although it might not feel like it this will hopefully be the best for you long term. It sounds like he would have brought another layer of pressure to your life. Time for you to focus on your own well being and health & happiness. ❤️

He sounds self absorbed and selfish. If he has no time for his own kids, he's not going to have time for yours. Onwards and upwards! By the way, you sound like a lovely Mum.

Hugs. Have to say though, it does sound for the best that you're not together. I don't think this man can or wants to give you what you need.
Your kids needs always have to come first. As a parent to an anxious teen, I appreciate it can be difficult and someone not in your position may view your behaviour and get it wrong. I wouldn't have much time for someone who decided my DD's behaviour was manipulative.

Thanks. My child's behaviour can be very
Manipulative in a means to keep me ' from
Leaving ' him of that makes sense.
He tries to control me but I am following professional advice having tried every parenting hack I could.
I feel so angry that he said this, when I needed him and why I never did anything for him with a view to it being reciprocated , there was absolutely no return of care.
I think that because I wasn't as available to my partner anymore, he couldn't t handle it .

If I am brutally honest, I never wanted to be involved with a man who had young children at all, I certainly don’t think I would have wanted to be involved with a man who was dealing with complex needs and I don’t think I would have been able to help. So I can see what he means when he says he can’t give you what you need.

I can of course understand how you feel used because you supported him and yes that does make him selfish in accepting all that help from you. But I also don’t think he can be indebted to you for the rest of his life. Overall, I think you are both probably better off apart.

As I wrote 'manipulative' I wondered if it was the right word, but it's the motivation behind it really isn't it? It can be manipulative behaviour but it's driven by the anxiety.
If a man is jealous of your children then it's time to re-evaluate that relationship. This one sounds rather lop sided from your description.

I see your point @Aprilx .
It is so hard and by virtue of the fact that he has little relationships with his own kids speaks volumes.
He didn't bail when he need months of care and consideration. He bailed when he had nearly recovered.
So that's why I'm angry.

To be honest I'd never have started seeing a man that didn't have much of a relationship with his kids - that tells you everything you need to know IMO.

I think you need to reframe your child's illness. They are not manipulating you or walking all over you - they are doing whatever they can to try to stop the absolute terror caused by their anxiety. Their father has gone and now they are absolutely terrified that you might leave them too. They need you to be their secure base and give them all the love, time and reassurance they need until they start to feel safe again. Please listen to your child's MH team on how to handle things without it becoming too overwhelming for you and be compassionate and understanding. Please don't listen to this dick of a man who can't even manage a good relationship with his own children.

I think you and you kids are far better off without him, they need you to be there 100% for them right now. Not looking after some self absorbed misery. Put him behind you and concentrate on you and your kids.

I agree with you 100% and I do exactly as you have suggested for my children.
Only now I don't have an added layer of another selfish man child to care for .

You are better off without him. It's easy to say in retrospect, but a person who has already lost contact with his children isn't the one to base a future on.

You were never going to be compatible when he decided he didn't like the way you parent.

He is an authoritarian.
There was no space for special needs or any parenting challenges.
My children were lazy and manipulative d it broke his heart apparently to see me treated like that, yet he never carried any of the mental load with me only took, took, took and added to that load.
He ran me ragged and I waited hand and foot on him while he was unwell.
Never once did he organise a break for me or for us and when we had an opportunity to get away on a number of occasions, he got in a strop when all attention wasn't on him.

I think it's difficult when kids are involved that aren't yours together.

I have been with my dp for 3 years and we don't live together but see each other most days. He gets on with my kids and vice versa but is in no way a step father figure, and neither would I want him to be.

My relationship with their dad ended quite suddenly and unexpectedly (for me and the kids at least) 5 years ago and I guess since then I have tried to overcompensate with love and attention (it feels weird saying that because can you love your kids too much?) so my dp does feel I do too much for them (they are now 14 and 16). He doesn't make me feel bad about it as he respects that I am their mum and knows why I am like I am but I know what he is thinking sometimes.

This is one of the reasons we don't live together though...I parent how I feel best in my home. He can give me advice or opinions but I might not listen. My dc are happy and I have a fantastic relationship with them - better than I think I did before ex left and than if he were still here, and that's what matters to me.

If your dp can't support you then it's probably best to remove the extra stress of him. If his concerns are out of love and care for you I think that's a little different but there are ways to raise them and if you've told him you don't want to hear them then he really should keep his opinions on your parenting to himself.

I've just read your update - I think you are better off out of that relationship.

He ran me ragged and I waited hand and foot on him while he was unwell

Why did you put up with this?

I got to line 5 & thought 'no'

Just curious but how do you work ft and travel a lot with SN dc? Where do your dc go then?
Dp isn't very dear imo.

I put up with it because I believed we were partners with a shared future . I love him and he was very vulnerable.
When he recovered I don't think he could handle the decrease care and attention and how consumed I get with the difficulties if my
Life @Watchkeys

He can't bear to watch your kids 'walk all over you' any more (your own words). You're not relationship material until you can get that sorted out.

It's difficult being a step parent/dp to someone with kids - walking a tightrope being not getting involved and backing your partner with their parenting methods. And if you're not in the same page with parenting style it's even more challenging.

Sounds like he has his own personal issues right now too, and despite everything you've done for him recently, he perhaps feels like he doesn't want to burden you further with his issues?

I think signing up to a shared future with someone who runs you ragged has been your mistake. You need to recognise that it's not up to him to make sure you're rested and well. You've put his needs above your own and that's your doing, not his. He didn't need to run you ragged, that was his decision. You're playing the martyr. You did good, and now you feel you're 'owed'; you're not. The truth is, you've knackered yourself and you need to ensure you get a break. Being away from him is the best thing for you.

He's a dud, chuck him back. You should have done so when you first found out he couldn't be bothered with his own kids. Someone that selfish and useless is never going to be a good partner.

I agree with you @Watchkeys that I am
Entire responsibilities for putting his needs above mine.
I disagree that I am playing the martyr.
I simply wanted some reciprocity as part of a team but when the focus was off him and my kids needed extra attention , he bailed.

I don't think that is much to expect in a relationship of equals and also, as he did not live with us and only saw them on rare occasions for family events etc, he was not bombarded with inept parenting as he saw it .
I follow advice from mental health services tailored to my kids needs.
He follows parenting advice from the 1950's.

I simply wanted some reciprocity

You wanted to 'run him ragged'?

No, you didn't. You want recognition for your hard work. Wise up. That's not how life works. If someone's willing to 'run you ragged', they're not in it in order to help you meet your needs.

I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own relationship with this man, a man who is not thankfully in your life any longer. Any man who does not have much if anything of a relationship with his own children is a walking red flag and poor relationship material.

He targeted you most likely because he sensed your poor boundaries and overtly empathetic nature. He went onto exploit both.

I'm sorry I dont understand @Watchkeys ... of course I didn't want to run him ragged. I wanted care and consideration. A support system but because he saw my kids needs as something that couldn't be controlled through dictatorship and strictness with no room for any objection, he decided he wanted out.
I needed kindness and a listening ear. He offered criticism and continuous opinion of where I was going wrong.