He didnt know if he could be what I needed...

[isitdawnyet]

I'll keep this as short as I can but my heart this morning, feels a little bit broken.

My partner and I don't live together.
Two of my children have special needs, one extreme anxiety.

I work full time and travel a lot.

He has his own kids but not much of a relationship with any of them.

We see one another eow and an evening or two during alternate weeks.
My life is a fiasco when it comes to my kids. They are deeply affected but their father abandoning them a few years ago.
They walk all over me if I'm to be honest and frankly I'm worn out.

My partner developed a life threatening brain illNess at the beginning of the year.
He has made a good recovery but is not 100% back to himself.
He has become apathetic, down, disinterested in life. He's lost his mojo which is understandable.

He had always been a great support to me but as a man is quite dictatorial when it comes to kids.
One of my children has severe anxiety and when my child is apart from me, gets hysterical, contacts me obsessively etc.
His mental health team have advised me to do certain things with him eg timing calls, time out for me with siblings etc. I follow their advice.
My partner however believes he plays me like a fiddle. At times, my child does but for reasons of anxiety.

My partner feels that because we are not on the same page about my child, that my partner is not what I need.
I believe they're' too much hard work ' for him.

I believe he simply cannot cope with his illness and my kids( despite seeing them once a week ) probably because they make up such a huge part of my life.

I nursed him selflessly through his illness to the detriment of my own health.. silly me and while I don't regret it for a moment, I feel incredibly used and let down.

By nature, he is a self absorbed man so I wonder is it because my energies had to be nearly fully focused on my kids recently and he didn't get much attention ( considering the level he was used to ) .

Help me process this please.
I must go to work today but I need help to get through it.
We , for all intents and purposes finished our relationship last night.
Thanks and have a good day.

It certainly feels that way @AttilaTheMeerkat

He offered criticism and continuous opinion of where I was going wrong

Yes, and you stayed and felt you deserved better, when, if you deserve better than the way someone treats you, you ought to leave.

Why did you not leave in the face of him treating you poorly? That's the martyr bit: I did xyz for you, poor me, who gets nothing in return. We don't get stuff in return. We find people who match us, and disregard the rest. Otherwise it's up to them whether we're happy/feel loved/have equal relationships etc.

I don't know why I didn't leave him@Watchkeys . I believed we would ride the storm.
I have been left by every man I've ever loved, from my father to my brother to my husband and now my partner.
I feel utterly unloveable today and wonder if there's something wrong with me , fundamentally.

I feel utterly unloveable today and wonder if there's something wrong with me , fundamentally

And here is the very root of your problem. You've got the issue back-to-front. These men show you signs that they are not good enough, but you ignore those signs because you feel that you are not good enough. So, for example, he tells you you're doing thing wrong, and instead of telling him he's nuts, part of you believes him. If he told you you had 6 legs, came from planet zog, and had hair made of custard, and kept insisting on it, you'd have left him ages ago, because clearly he'd be round the twist. But telling you you're shit at stuff is far more believable to you, because you're ready to believe that you are, based on the way he treats you.

How he treats you is about him. Whether you think there's something wrong with you is about you, and that's for you to deal with.

So, lets go there: What's wrong with you? I imagine, like the rest of us, you'll have an answer like 'Well, I can be a bit emotional sometimes', or 'I'm very disorganised', or 'I cry when I'm angry', 'I have a Minstrel addiction' (sorry, that's me) and stuff like that. But can you actually think of any major character flaws you have? Dishonesty? Addictions? Murderous or violent tendencies? Verbally abusive? Might you nick someone's child whilst in the supermarket..?

You're not faulty. You're perfect, and flawed, just like the rest of us. If you can get your head round that, you'll be able to leave guys like him as soon as you get a little niggle that it feels wrong.

Thanks@Watchkeys
That will take sometime for me to digest but I look forward to reading and rereading your message . Thanks for taking the time to post.
I am a tearful mess today and feel like I've let myself been trodden all over AGAIN
I need to block him now dont I ?