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Original poster

When did you know you were over your ex?

34 replies

Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 18:30

Exactly that really. At what point, or how did you feel when you knew you were either over them or didn’t want to get back with them?

it’s been nearly 5 months for me after a 10 year relationship. I’m in a very casual situation with someone else, which suits me perfectly, but I’m wondering if the excitement and distraction of this is masking my sadness for my relationship, or if I’m truly starting to get over him?

OP posts:
Maybeone24 · 13/09/2022 19:09

I started dating one year after a 5 year relationship, we had a child together so it was hard but I think I started to feel over him after about a year, and 2 years later feel completely indifferent towards him.

Were you married to your ex? Any children? Does it stir up any type of emotion when you think about your ex?

Schmickels · 13/09/2022 19:12

2 years for me. First year I threw myself into a stupid relationship which - with hindsight - was just me wanting "someone". Still waiting for the right one, but really really enjoying dating and just my time with myself!

Meseekslookatme · 13/09/2022 19:20

I knew I didn't want him back immediately.
The "Getting over him" took a long time, but that's mostly because he was at the forefront of my mind because of how much I had come to hate him. I was a bit obsessed with checking up to try and figure out if he was miserable (god I hoped he was!)
I think I got over it when he had a baby (something denied to me) and I got together with someone I genuinely love and adore. He's now blocked on all platforms. Feels good.

ErinAoife · 13/09/2022 19:32

5 years separated after 25 years together and still not over it. On his side, he moved fairly quickly since he was on a new relationship after 4 weeks. He had 3 relationship in the past 5 years, I had none as I cannot see myself with anyone else, my confidence is at rock bottom.

Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 20:00

ErinAoife · 13/09/2022 19:32

5 years separated after 25 years together and still not over it. On his side, he moved fairly quickly since he was on a new relationship after 4 weeks. He had 3 relationship in the past 5 years, I had none as I cannot see myself with anyone else, my confidence is at rock bottom.

Ok crikey, that is a long time to not be over someone 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 20:03

Maybeone24 · 13/09/2022 19:09

I started dating one year after a 5 year relationship, we had a child together so it was hard but I think I started to feel over him after about a year, and 2 years later feel completely indifferent towards him.

Were you married to your ex? Any children? Does it stir up any type of emotion when you think about your ex?

We were due to be married in March this year, but I got the old ‘I don’t know what I want’ talk, 12 weeks before the wedding…which he cancelled without telling me (charmer hey!) we have a son together, who he has hardly seen since he’s been gone.

he has recently been telling me he wants to give it another go, he made a mistake etc, but I can’t help but feel that despite the fact I loved him more than was possible to love someone, that I don’t feel like I used to. I still love him, miss him, cry about the life we should of been in together, but even though he is offering it all back, I just don’t know how to feel about it. Wasn’t sure if that means I’m getting over him or not?

OP posts:
Schmickels · 13/09/2022 20:06

@Theonlywayisup1 I'm really sorry to hear this. He doesn't deserve you.

Feelings don't disappear overnight, understandably you feel differently now as I'm sure you never imagined that someone you loved so much could hurt you in this way.

All the best with whatever you decide Flowers

Maybeone24 · 13/09/2022 20:33

Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 20:03

We were due to be married in March this year, but I got the old ‘I don’t know what I want’ talk, 12 weeks before the wedding…which he cancelled without telling me (charmer hey!) we have a son together, who he has hardly seen since he’s been gone.

he has recently been telling me he wants to give it another go, he made a mistake etc, but I can’t help but feel that despite the fact I loved him more than was possible to love someone, that I don’t feel like I used to. I still love him, miss him, cry about the life we should of been in together, but even though he is offering it all back, I just don’t know how to feel about it. Wasn’t sure if that means I’m getting over him or not?

Show quote history

I think the part of you that doesn’t know how you feel is the part of you that’s trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and quite frankly that you know he didn’t treat you like you deserve. To call off a wedding is a big big thing and i can’t imagine the hurt you must have felt, but I understand when you say you still love him but not how you used to, and I would think that’s due to his behaviour

it could also mean that you are getting over him

Maybeone24 · 13/09/2022 20:34

Maybeone24 · 13/09/2022 20:33

I think the part of you that doesn’t know how you feel is the part of you that’s trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and quite frankly that you know he didn’t treat you like you deserve. To call off a wedding is a big big thing and i can’t imagine the hurt you must have felt, but I understand when you say you still love him but not how you used to, and I would think that’s due to his behaviour

it could also mean that you are getting over him

Show quote history

How come he has hardly seen his son?

KensingtonStation · 13/09/2022 20:46

9 months on from him walking out on a 20 year marriage without a word and into a new relationship within a month, I am not even close to over him. He still can't decide if he is done forever or wants to work things out. Says his other relationship is now finished, I don't believe him. I would take him back in a blink.

I still love him, still miss him every day. He hardly sees his kids either, didn't want them to know about his new 'partner' and was living too far away to see them often.

It is as if the script was written for/by him. One day, I may send it to him anonymously. Or to her. Maybe both.

Simonjt · 13/09/2022 20:50

About a year to 18 months, like you we were due to be married, had everything booked and paid for. Looking back now us getting married would never have worked in the long run, six years later we’re very good friends, I’m now married and he has a lovely partner.

I did have a bit of a rebound when we split up, I clung on to it when it was clearly an awful relationship, I was just desperate for it not to fail again.

thethreemuskateers · 13/09/2022 21:53

I wonder why men move on so quickly, my ex of 19 years moved on within weeks there could of been an over lap. Within months he was living with her and her 2 children. It’s been 15 months now for me and I’m enjoying my single life.

Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 21:53

I think that is part of my issue. I’m so embarrassed about it failing, I’ve still not told anyone, they just know the wedding is off, but most friends and family aren’t even aware we have separated.

OP posts:
Cupofteaonesugar · 13/09/2022 21:56

You're over him when you know you wouldn't go back and you're at peace with that!

Hibye23289 · 13/09/2022 22:01

@thethreemuskateers I once read it's because men need to be 'looked after' again, whereas women manage better at being alone (probably seeing as we do everything anyway and becoming a single mum is not that different to being married) not that I am projecting 😬

essex956 · 13/09/2022 22:07

Cancelling the wedding cos he doesn't know what he wants is heartbreaking and hard to come back from

Disappearing and hardly seeing your joint DC in 5 months is I forgivable and impossible to come back from IMO

Why would you want a relationship with someone can disregard their son so easily? What if you did take him back, would he only be in his sons life to be with you? Absolutely no chance would I even saying a single word to him let alone discussing the fact he wants to come back

essex956 · 13/09/2022 22:08

essex956 · 13/09/2022 22:07

Cancelling the wedding cos he doesn't know what he wants is heartbreaking and hard to come back from

Disappearing and hardly seeing your joint DC in 5 months is I forgivable and impossible to come back from IMO

Why would you want a relationship with someone can disregard their son so easily? What if you did take him back, would he only be in his sons life to be with you? Absolutely no chance would I even saying a single word to him let alone discussing the fact he wants to come back

  • UNforgivable (obviously)
Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 22:20

Due to work. He works away for long periods of time. He does speak to him every day and when he has been back has seen him, we’re kind of used to that tbh, not that it makes it right, but it’s not any different to when he was here.

OP posts:
essex956 · 13/09/2022 22:23

Ah sorry, I read your post as if he hadn't seen your DS much due to the split.

I assume that means that even if you'd stayed with him you'd hardly have seen him much in the last 5 months either. A LDR with someone not sure about what he wants (AFTER having a child with you) is hardly much of a loss.

I know you're asking if you're over him rather than considering getting back with him but viewing it from this perspective might help remind you of how little a loss he actually is

Original poster
Theonlywayisup1 · 13/09/2022 22:35

It’s strange as it’s almost like, when he tells me he wants to make it work, I’m not that fussed about it, but when he was saying it was over, I was heartbroken and would of done anything to have him back.

I might be missing the fairytale of what it could of been if he had of been different, not the reality of what he was actually like

OP posts:
Ohwowywow · 13/09/2022 22:55

thethreemuskateers · 13/09/2022 21:53

I wonder why men move on so quickly, my ex of 19 years moved on within weeks there could of been an over lap. Within months he was living with her and her 2 children. It’s been 15 months now for me and I’m enjoying my single life.

It’s called entitlement and selfishness

Ohwowywow · 13/09/2022 22:57

Hibye23289 · 13/09/2022 22:01

@thethreemuskateers I once read it's because men need to be 'looked after' again, whereas women manage better at being alone (probably seeing as we do everything anyway and becoming a single mum is not that different to being married) not that I am projecting 😬

About time they grew the hell up and stopped expecting substitute mummies …
its just so depressing to see women still heartbroken after tears and men who move in within months sometimes weeks not giving a shit about anyone but them

Nagado · 13/09/2022 23:07

even though he is offering it all back, I just don’t know how to feel about it

Because he’s not offering it all back, is he? He’s offering a crap version of the lovely man you thought he was. He’s shown you that he’s cowardly and pathetic and is capable of hurting you more than you thought possible because he’s selfish, and you’ll never 100% trust him again. That’s what he’s offering you. No wonder you’re not doing handstands at the thought of having him back.

It’s perfectly ok to be over him, or to not be over the man you thought he was, or to not really know how you feel. It’s also ok to still be in love with him, but to decide that there has just been too much water under the bridge.

Houseplanthorror · 13/09/2022 23:13

I think it's possible that he had a panic at the wedding but really still does want to be with you. If you have loved him deeply for years I think in your situation I would give the relationship a second chance. It's hard to find real love and people sometimes just mess up.

Jumpking · 13/09/2022 23:33

20 yr marriage. I knew I didn't love him for the last year. Grieved the marriage more than him. So was probably over him months after we separated. Was definitely over him by the decree absolute 14 months after separating. Knew I was over him when he put a booking to a sex club in the online diary for kids arrangements and i felt indifferent to it.

I still grieve the marriage though and what could have been. And I still have freedom moments, such as realising how easy it was to decorate my new bedroom my way, without someone moaning they hated my options, but didn't offer alternatives of their own.

I think you need to decide @Theonlywayisup1 if you want the life he's offering you. Would you want to work to get back to how you feel about him? Sounds to me like you've checked out. You're missing what could have been rather than him. Yes, your casual thing is probably helping mask that a little, but it's also making you realise that you don't have to be stuck with someone who runs away when things get a bit tricky.

All the best