How do I come to terms with this?

[SittingInTheAutumnSun]

I've posted many times before over the years so if any of it sounds familiar, that is why.

It's not an uncommon story - grew up with emotional and physical abuse; various therapies all of which have worked a little in their own way but nothing to effect a lasting change; educated and have a professional career but work in insecure temporary contracts because I can't cope with having a permanent job; relationships have all been short lived, ended by me and with men I haven't felt 'safe' with for one reason or another; no problem with cutting toxic people and situations out of my life but it's been pretty much all of them over the years. I've cut off anyone I've become close to at some point. Most of them have gone, never to be seen again. My closest friend let me do it for a year before she came back and tried again with me.

A year ago, I started dating a man I'd known for a few years. We are part of a friendship group. Except that none of them are really my friends. I'm not close to them and I feel that the one I was closest to has been working against me for several months and I no longer seek to her but haven't avoided her because that would have meant leaving the group completely. She challenged me on why I was ignoring her. I told her what she was doing. She sounded angry? Shocked? She apologised and said that, if I had seen any of that from her, it was unintentional. I don’t know if I got it right or whether I'm so programmed to see betrayal that I see it where it doesn't exist.

Anyway, he is absolutely the best man I've ever been in a relationship with. He's kind, supportive and understanding and I believe him when he says he loves me. He sees us being together for the rest of our lives and does things to demonstrate that this is the case.

But the need to run away is so strong. I don't feel I can trust him. I don't know if I can or not or whether it's a pattern I've been in for so long that it's just default. I feel such a strong urge to remove myself from the group, cut all contact with all of them (including him).

I'm not sleeping properly. I lost my appetite weeks ago and am barely eating. Work is the only place I function well because I'm so busy I don't have time to think or feel about anything else. I cry. I sit in the garden when I get home from work and am in bed by 7.30pm most nights I don't see him because I can't face being up and in the world. Things are perfect when he and I are together and he has no idea I feel like this. Its like I'm two different people, living two different lives

I know that, if I ended my relationship with him and left the group, I would feel immense relief. I'd be unlikely to feel regret because the relief would he so great and I'd be back in the comfort and security of being alone again.

I've pretty much decided I'm doing it this weekend. Sunday. Because we have plans I can't get out of without letting people down unforgiveably before then.

But I will be completely alone. I have two friends who are mine. But who I rarely see because they have their own lives. There is no one else I speak to. I won't even try having a relationship again. It's not worth it. If anyone was going to 'break the pattern' for me, it was him. Not because of anything he was doing but because of who I am and how I feel when I'm with and around him. He brings out the best of me when we are together.

I wouldn't put myself or anyone else through it again. I'm not able to function in relationships. I know they're not compulsory but after a sad and lonely lifetime without love, I'm just so sad that I feel I was so close to having it and I still can't do it.

How do I come to terms with this? 😢

Oh that sounds dreadful. I'm sorry.

would you consider getting some help NOW, to help you through this current feeling & hopefully onto a place where you feel able to keep seeing him, even
if it just stays how you are for a while.

I think it would be sad to 'give it up' even if it originally brings relief.

I was also physically/ emotionally and in my case sexually abused as a child.
I emphasise completely with your desire to run away and not make yourself vulnerable.
But stop and think...you're here once. We are all here only once.
The abuse you went through won't go away, it will never be erased, but how you deal with it and move on with your life anyway is what will define you.
You've got this far...be brave. Take the risk. Yes you may end up getting hurt...but you'll never suffer again as much as you did in your childhood, and you came through that, so you won't ever feel that pain again.
Don't through away this wonderful man because you're scared...you're not a victim anymore...you're a survivor. And you deserve happiness, and love, and peace.
This man could give you that.

Thank you. I'm just sitting here crying again.

I'm not sure about not being hurt as I was before. I was so much stronger when I was younger. I fought back. Yes, it made it worse but at least I was making that happen it wasn't just happening to me. It was my only way of having any control Overy own life as stupid as that sounds. I've become weak and vulnerable as I've got older.

I don't know what help to get now. I've had therapy on and off for 30 years. I'm now late 40s. I don't have the fight left in me anymore. I'm tired and I'm weak and I'm weary of life. I'm scared and I'm lonely. My boyfriend knows a lot of it. We both woke up the other night around 3am and I needed to talk. He listened to me for nearly 2 hours. He made me tea, held me and responded appropriately but all that means nothing now it's Tuesday and I haven't seen him since Sunday evening.

I cut contact 10 years ago this year. And that seems to be a problem. I'm plagued with nightmares and occasional anxiety attacks this year that I haven't had for years. I thought cutting contact would help but, if anything, the fact life is easier now that I'm no longer in survival mode makes it worse. I'm in the 'look at what you could have won' stage. My mental and emotional energy isn't taken up by getting from one day to the next and I can see with greater clarity the damage that's been done.

I also grew up with emotional and physical abuse, as well as sexual abuse. I feel I could’ve written your post, it resonates so much with me. I’ve been in survival mode my whole life. I know the immense relief of cutting people out. The only time I ever truly feel safe is when I’m alone, on my mental island. The ‘safety’ theme comes up again and again for me, I guess because I never felt safe as a child. I don’t feel safe with men so I keep them at arms length, always on alert, one foot out the door, often looking for reasons to end things so I can feel the relief of retreating to the safety of isolation. It’s similar with friendships. I struggle to trust people’s intentions.

at least I was making that happen it wasn't just happening to me. It was my only way of having any control Overy own life as stupid as that sounds.

I really relate to this, it doesn’t sound stupid at all.

I think what @yougotthelook said is excellent advice

But stop and think...you're here once. We are all here only once.
The abuse you went through won't go away, it will never be erased, but how you deal with it and move on with your life anyway is what will define you.
You've got this far...be brave. Take the risk. Yes you may end up getting hurt...but you'll never suffer again as much as you did in your childhood, and you came through that, so you won't ever feel that pain again.

What kinds of therapy have you had in the past? I’ve had therapy on and off for 20 years without much relief, but a few months ago I started CAT with a clinical psychologist and for the first time I’m starting to feel differently. I’ve spoken endlessly with therapists in the past about my childhood but without any real sense of why I was doing it, all while feeling completely detached from my feelings. With CAT it’s very focussed. My therapist picked up on my detachment straight away and challenged it, so for the first time I feel like I’m actually facing these issues and the experiences I had instead of talking about them in an abstract, disconnected way, as if they happened to somebody else. I think I’m actually starting to process things that happened now instead of running away from them and the feelings they evoke. Does any of that sound familiar to you?

With regards to your bf, do you have to make a decision right now? What if you just did nothing? You mentioned that you opened up to him the other night… do you think making yourself vulnerable to him has made you feel unsafe?

Just to add that I’ve taken a screenshot of your lovely wise words @yougotthelook so I can re-read them when I’m feeling particularly terrified and avoidant.

Can you compartmentalise? Acknowledge how you feel, but decide it's historic and you will worry about it next month?

You say you are exhausted- do you have to fight to stay with him? Can you give up fighting, and stay with him as the status quo? Give in to the relationship, instead of fighting it?

Anniversaries are terrible. It's good that you recognise it though. Perhaps you could decide to go with the flow for a few weeks, then reassess later?

With regards to your bf, do you have to make a decision right now? What if you just did nothing? You mentioned that you opened up to him the other night… do you think making yourself vulnerable to him has made you feel unsafe

Doing nothing isn't really an option. I'm starting to feel really hostile. I can feel myself shutting down and its not fair on him.

He's not perfect but he's done everything he can to make me feel loved, valued and important and its not enough.

No,I think being in a relationship for a year has made me feel vulnerable. Loving someone has made me feel vulnerable.

I've told him things because I think that, on a subconscious level, I'm trying to push him away. I'm trying to show him that he's wrong about me and I'm not worth it and that he deserves better. Or, at least, someone easier.

I think you’ll feel peace when you end it. Take the space and enjoy being alone

I don’t feel safe with men so I keep them at arms length, always on alert, one foot out the door, often looking for reasons to end things so I can feel the relief of retreating to the safety of isolation. It’s similar with friendships. I struggle to trust people’s intentions.

Yes to all of this. Esp the one foot out the door bit! And the relief of retreating. And struggling to trust others' intentions.

You say you are exhausted- do you have to fight to stay with him? Can you give up fighting, and stay with him as the status quo? Give in to the relationship, instead of fighting it?

I don't know how to. Its not a conscious decision.

I'm currently in a permanent state of 'fight or flight'. I'm exhausted by it.

After I spoke to him the other night, he just held me really tightly and said, "You were an abused child. None of it was your fault." It's a horrible thing to hear out loud 😕 and then said that he would spend the rest of his life making sure I know how loved I am by him. He said that all he wants is for me to feel safe and the sense of contentment that comes from being loved deeply.

I can imagine it but I don't feel it.

My heart is racing almost permanently. I look and feel exhausted because I haven't slept or eaten properly in weeks.

No one else is ever going to tell me that. And I love him. But it's not enough.

Thank you...it's hard sometimes isn't it?
I'm a stubborn sod though, and when I was told continually that I'd never be anything, never get anywhere, I thought to myself I bloody will!
I'm absolutely determined to have the best life possible, despite my childhood, and I'm very lucky to have a wonderful dd, great, supportive friends and I'm financially secure...which I've achieved by myself with many years of hard work.
It's been a long, hard road sometimes, but honestly I'm happy.
I wish you nothing but happiness too xx❤️❤️❤️

You're self sabotaging your relationship and you know it.
Just try to relax.
It's lonely on your own...you're not even 50 yet you could live another 30/40 years!
I went out with a man in my very early 20s and I confided in him about the sexual abuse I experienced. He said to me "that's terrible but don't ever say that to someone you want to marry, it will put them off you"
And do you know what I thought? I thought "fuck you arsehole, anyone that would be put off by that I wouldn't want anyway"
We can choose our lives, you can too x

www.freetoattach.com

"He said that all he wants is for me to feel safe and the sense of contentment that comes from being loved deeply.
I can imagine it but I don't feel it."

This hit home to me more than it perhaps should have done. Had a difficult childhood, am loved by my DH, I know I am but I struggle to feel it.

Could you show your fella this thread? Help him to see your inner struggles?

Stop being your own worst enemy.

I don't have the fight left in me anymore.

Then stop fighting. No one is fighting you. You have good people in your life, just take it day by day and be grateful you have them.

I'm sorry about your past, but you are the one who has control of your future. You may have been powerless all those years ago, but you aren't now. You have the opportunity to be happy. Take it.

I dated someone so similar to you once that I couldn't not post.

Very similar childhood and very similar reactions.

I absolutely adored him, would have married him etc. Your partner sounds similar and there's no reason to doubt him.

Unfortunately we didn't last dedpite years of trying but my ex threw himself into therapy shortly afterwards. He had tried everything over the years but for whatever reason CBT worked for him somehow on this occasion.

He is now engaged to someone else and they are due to get married at Xmas. I'm bloody delighted for him. I have moved on since too.

I just wanted to share so you never give up hope. If now is not the time, it's not the time but don't ever think that you cannot have a happy loving lasting relationship.

I understand that of you can't, you can't. I would love for you if you could give it a chance but now that it is far from that simple. Never ever think that you don't deserve love. You absolutely do.

I am so sorry about your difficult past.

Can you try and 'urge surf'.

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/urge-surfing-handout

It won't deal with the issues but it may buy you some time to work through the issues.

I think if this man is so great he is worth it, and you will benefit long term from not cutting loose.

Can I ask roughly how old you are?

I hope you make it past Sunday with your man, if that is right for you.

ThirtyThreeTrees I had CBt for anxiety attacks and it worked amazingly well. It doesn't work for everyone but it does for some.

Does he guess that you are thinking of ending it?

He said to me "that's terrible but don't ever say that to someone you want to marry, it will put them off you"

That is an awful for thing for him to have said. I've been told variations of that my whole life and I've just accepted it.

Obviously not as bad as your experience but it started when I was really young with, "No one will love/want/marry you if you..." for really trivial things about me. I mean this started when I was 8 or 9 about biting my nails or mashing potatoes into gravy at dinner time but went on to be everything about me - personality, character, interests, physical shape, looks, the way I dressed, how I reacted, how I did at school. My mum didn't want me to go to university because she thought it would put men off. Shouldn't have a career, it would put men off. Shouldn't have an opinion, Shouldn't say no, shouldn't express Amy needs whatsoever, Shouldn't have any boundaries.I was too young to think fuck you when it started.

There was nothing about me that escaped criticism. Some of the things I can see were objectively nonsense but the impact of it persists. I know the words were nonsense but it's all I ever heard. I don't know what my good points were. And now, it's almost like I don't hear the positives Or I feel uncomfortable.

Then stop fighting. No one is fighting you.

The person I'm fighting with constantly is me. I'm fighting the urge to run away. If I don't fight it, it'll happen because the relief will feel worth it. The fight is staying in what I can see is a good relationship because emotionally I'm all over the place. My feelings don't match what I'm experiencing.

ThirtyThreeTrees

I'm sorry to hear that. I've been rejected for CBT because, I was told it wasn't suitable for me.

Can I ask roughly how old you are?

Late 40s. It's not peri menopause I've never been any different. This is the longest relationship I've had and I've not even made it to the year mark yet. That's a few weeks away.

Does he guess that you are thinking of ending it?

I don't know. Apparently, he's thought I was going to a couple of times previously but said nothing. He doesn't want to put extra pressure on me and will respect my wishes. I told him a few weeks ago not to let me push him away. That I would try but I didn't mean it. Now I just feel like I've trapped myself.

He doesn't know how I'm actually feeling though. He's coming over for a couple of hours this evening before he goes out. I should probably talk to him then. I'm supposed to be going out with him but I don't know if I am going to yet. He'll be going anyway.

I think it’s difficult to feel loved as adults if it wasn’t something we had much of a notion of as children. I had no sense of consistent love or security so can’t really inhabit that feeling now, it’s like it wasn’t programmed into me. When I got my cat last year it was the first time in my life I’d ever experienced a pure, unconditional, uncomplicated love. It can still feel scary though.

What your mum said to you is horrific, and she couldn’t be more wrong. My parents were like this too, they ripped me to shreds and I was a shadow of a person by the time I reached my teens. It says nothing about you and everything about them. People who behave nastily and abusively are not equipped to offer up life ‘advice’.

Your boyfriend sounds like a good sort. If you can, I really think it’s worth talking to him and explaining what you’ve said here. If you’re planning on running away anyway then you don’t really have anything to lose.

I wasn't an abused child
but I recognise much of what you are saying

it's partly the "Love is awful" speech from Fleabag

and then there's the fact that life is so controllable when it's just you.
i'm not going to tell you what to do. I have lost friends over the years and feel very alone, which will get worse when mum is gone.

but relationships, on the rare occasion I have entertained them, still feel like this.

sometimes peace is the most important thing but I know how hard it is to just decide what's right for you.

Op basic counselling, even thirty years of it, will not touch the sides if it doesn't address the root cause - and to provide strategies for your flashbacks/spirals and inner critic when it happens (such as now)

Without wishing to in any way diagnose over the internet, but you need to do your own research, you most certainly have CPSTD and it can't be fixed with standard of even advanced talking therapies. You will need other kinds of deep dive therapy to deal with CPTSD/PTSD and you sound like me when I am having a prolonged flash back. The not eating/sleeping/spiralling is really awful when it happens - but it will pass. Please don't make any rash decisions at the moment like ending your relationships.

Order this now - right now - take a day or two off work and read it from start to finish:

www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=cpstd&qid=1663154763&sr=8-2

CPTSD by Pete Walker was life changing for me. I read it one sitting and could not believe someone had put into words precisely what I had been wrestling with for nearly fifty years. You are not alone, and many of us are out there fighting the same battles as you.

Thank your boyfriend for holding you with such care over the weekend, and tell him you taking a few days to gather yourself, and you will see him soon. He sounds very very good for you, and although you are not used to being loved and nurtured and want to run for the hills back to the hellscape you are used to, please don't.

Of course you are uncomfortable - you are not used to unconditional love
Of course you are uncomfortable - no one usually listens or cares
Of course you are uncomfortable - you are used to being abused.

There is comfort in being with abusers because it is all you have known, and your fear and spiral is coming from a place of not knowing. You know how to handle abusers, you have had enough practice after all, but what on earth do you do with someone that is loving, trusting and kind?

Take a breathe, get your central nervous system down. Do some mindfulness and breathing to stop the flight and flight response.

www.verywellmind.com/taming-the-fight-or-flight-response-378676

Can you book a massage or something relaxing? Just to bring it all down. Cry it out, you can cry for the child that should have been loved and cherished, and the girl who struggles to trust.

An analogy for you:

Imagine a small dog that has been kicked around in his new owner's house for years - he is terrified - scared and shaking. One day someone removes the dog and gives him a new home with kind owners whom try to coax him out of his fear. They love him, and his shaking paws. He may never fully forget his earlier experience, he may bark too much out of fear - he will sometimes get very scared again, but would you send him back to his first owners?

Or would you let him stay and learn to be loved?

Sometimes we have such a lack of a deep lack of compassion for what we have been through. It is okay to be scared and upset, and frightened. Natural even.

Don't burn your bridges again. Please.

Just give yourself time to think calmly. Reflect on the feelings of not being safe, and ask yourself why are you not safe now? What is about this situation that makes you feel unsafe? Start there but only once you are calm and centred again.