I've posted many times before over the years so if any of it sounds familiar, that is why.
It's not an uncommon story - grew up with emotional and physical abuse; various therapies all of which have worked a little in their own way but nothing to effect a lasting change; educated and have a professional career but work in insecure temporary contracts because I can't cope with having a permanent job; relationships have all been short lived, ended by me and with men I haven't felt 'safe' with for one reason or another; no problem with cutting toxic people and situations out of my life but it's been pretty much all of them over the years. I've cut off anyone I've become close to at some point. Most of them have gone, never to be seen again. My closest friend let me do it for a year before she came back and tried again with me.
A year ago, I started dating a man I'd known for a few years. We are part of a friendship group. Except that none of them are really my friends. I'm not close to them and I feel that the one I was closest to has been working against me for several months and I no longer seek to her but haven't avoided her because that would have meant leaving the group completely. She challenged me on why I was ignoring her. I told her what she was doing. She sounded angry? Shocked? She apologised and said that, if I had seen any of that from her, it was unintentional. I don’t know if I got it right or whether I'm so programmed to see betrayal that I see it where it doesn't exist.
Anyway, he is absolutely the best man I've ever been in a relationship with. He's kind, supportive and understanding and I believe him when he says he loves me. He sees us being together for the rest of our lives and does things to demonstrate that this is the case.
But the need to run away is so strong. I don't feel I can trust him. I don't know if I can or not or whether it's a pattern I've been in for so long that it's just default. I feel such a strong urge to remove myself from the group, cut all contact with all of them (including him).
I'm not sleeping properly. I lost my appetite weeks ago and am barely eating. Work is the only place I function well because I'm so busy I don't have time to think or feel about anything else. I cry. I sit in the garden when I get home from work and am in bed by 7.30pm most nights I don't see him because I can't face being up and in the world. Things are perfect when he and I are together and he has no idea I feel like this. Its like I'm two different people, living two different lives
I know that, if I ended my relationship with him and left the group, I would feel immense relief. I'd be unlikely to feel regret because the relief would he so great and I'd be back in the comfort and security of being alone again.
I've pretty much decided I'm doing it this weekend. Sunday. Because we have plans I can't get out of without letting people down unforgiveably before then.
But I will be completely alone. I have two friends who are mine. But who I rarely see because they have their own lives. There is no one else I speak to. I won't even try having a relationship again. It's not worth it. If anyone was going to 'break the pattern' for me, it was him. Not because of anything he was doing but because of who I am and how I feel when I'm with and around him. He brings out the best of me when we are together.
I wouldn't put myself or anyone else through it again. I'm not able to function in relationships. I know they're not compulsory but after a sad and lonely lifetime without love, I'm just so sad that I feel I was so close to having it and I still can't do it.
How do I come to terms with this? 😢