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Original poster

He doesn't respect others religions

45 replies

RLEOM · 13/09/2022 12:31

Partner of 8 months has always been upfront that he hates religions, for many reasons. I'm not religious at all and follow no faith, but I'm respectful of others and have no qualms about religions. It just is what it is. However, he doesn't like Easter or Christmas, scoffs at anything to do with religion, and even refused to attend Religious Education classes as a teenager.

I saw it as a red flag at first but pushed it to one side because he's not an extremist or anything along those lines. No harm done for not believing in religion.

We spoke about my young daughter and I asked him how he would feel if she got married into a faith - would he still attend the wedding etc. (I was trying to suss out how far it stems.) He said of course he'd attend and join in etc.

Last weekend, we attended a family members first birthday. They're from Nigeria and are very religious. During the party, which was big due to the 1st birthday being highly celebrated in Nigeria, we had to all stand to pray. Granted, my immediate family (not religious) didn't pray but we did all stand up out of respect. He point blank refused to stand up, just sat there until the prayer was done. It's bugged me ever since.

I know it's not too bad in the grand scheme of things, he has every right to not pray or join in, but I saw it as very disrespectful and embarrassing to not at least stand like everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to have a word with him about it? It's really put me off him.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 13/09/2022 12:41

Yes, it's very disrespectful. You've only known him 8 months. I think behaving that way in front of your family is a big red flag. It shows a lack of respect and care for you actually. I wouldn't have a word, I'd just let this one go.

I'm not Christian. I went to a church wedding over the weekend. I don't say the prayers or sing the hymns, but I always stand, bow my head, make sure dc know to stay respectfully quiet. It's just the right thing to do to respect the beliefs and traditions of people in your life, even if that aren't your own.

SnoozyLucy7 · 13/09/2022 12:46

He was definitely making himself look like a fool behaving like that. How embarrassing for you Definitely have a word with him, because if you stay together, there will be so many more events like this to come so he needs to know how to behave. He needs to calm down and grow up!

Just to be clear, I do not believe in organised religion and have very little time or respect for it. However, having family and friends who can be very religious, and who inturn invite me to weddings, baptisms, funerals etc, I know when to keep my mouth shut, not to be a dick head at someone else’s events, and I kind of go along with everyone else. I don’t pray with them, I don’t comment, but just go along with it out of respect in that moment. And if I really bothered me that much, I would just decline the invite.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/09/2022 12:51

He's a rude disrespectful dickhead. I'd be getting rid.

MetalScrews · 13/09/2022 12:58

I think that's really disrespectful and although you say he's not extremist, he sounds a bit like one! There's also a big difference between being not religious and actively hating religions.

I think if you're at someone else's party or event and there's a religious element, even if you decide not to take part, you show respect by standing, bowing your head or something. If he was at a funeral or a wedding and there was collective prayer, would he remain seated? Sounds like a 'protest' to me!

I'm a Christian and have attended different events from other faiths. If I went to a mosque, I'd cover my head or take off my shoes. I have a totally different belief system but if I'm in someone else's space, I respect their guidelines.

TheHoundsOfHell · 13/09/2022 14:03

That's a whole attitude there.
You don't need to perform religious rites or prayers to show respect. I've been to funerals, weddings and accompanied friends seeking comfort in there own religions and I've done what is required to show respect.
To not, shows disdain for the people there.
It would make me very uncomfortable.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/09/2022 14:09

And if I really bothered me that much, I would just decline the invite

This.

Personally I wouldn't attend church weddings etc, but if your DP has the good grace to come along for the sake of harmony, I don't know why that in itself is not enough without expecting him to also join in performatively with something he views as farcical.

If he and his relatives were practicing some sort of religion where ritual sacrifice is the norm, would other people expect people to 'just go along' and stand by while they hack animals to bits? No, nobody would, and from his perspective being asked to stand, head bowed for 'prayer' is every bit as ridiculous and unpalatable.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/09/2022 14:13

I'd dump him. He's fucking rude. He was a guest at an event that was important to your family and he deliberately chose to make a point of demonstrating that his dickhead bigotry was more important than manners.

I couldn't be with someone that obnoxious.

BEAM123 · 13/09/2022 14:14

So, presumably he is not going to want to anything for Christmas and if your DD wants to do anything Christmasssy, even the non religious parts, he is going to scoff and take the wind out of her sails? Charming.

Sorry, throw this one back. His attitude sucks and it sounds like you have people in your life who are religious and you therefore need a partner who is more chilled out about the whole thing. He is not compatible with your more accepting views or your wider circle of family.

Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2022 14:15

I don’t pray but I do stand up and bow my head
Hes a disrespectful arsehole and you should dump him

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 14:15

I couldn't be with someone who was disrespectful to my family.

Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2022 14:16

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/09/2022 14:09

And if I really bothered me that much, I would just decline the invite

This.

Personally I wouldn't attend church weddings etc, but if your DP has the good grace to come along for the sake of harmony, I don't know why that in itself is not enough without expecting him to also join in performatively with something he views as farcical.

If he and his relatives were practicing some sort of religion where ritual sacrifice is the norm, would other people expect people to 'just go along' and stand by while they hack animals to bits? No, nobody would, and from his perspective being asked to stand, head bowed for 'prayer' is every bit as ridiculous and unpalatable.

Were any animals hacked to bits?

Wafflesnsniffles · 13/09/2022 14:17

I would ditch him. Childishly disrepectful.

ImAvingOops · 13/09/2022 14:19

He doesn't have to respect the beliefs themselves but he does have to respect other peoples rights to hold those beliefs. Part of that is behaving respectfully if he chooses to attend their events!

Personally, I'd throw this one back - I wouldn't want the grumpy bastard ruining Christmas!

Catapultaway · 13/09/2022 14:21

I don't see the big deal if I'm honest. He didn't make a scene, he just sat there. How is this anymore disrespectful than standing and pretending to pray?

Deux · 13/09/2022 14:22

How old is he? It’s quite an immature attitude and tells you a lot about him. It’s quite attention seeking as well. Is he quite self obsessed?

if you continue with this guy you can expect more of this I’d think.

wackamole · 13/09/2022 14:34

Is it possible he didn't understand that everyone was supposed to stand, and thought that everyone standing up was planning to pray, or was a member of the relevant religion? You say he point blank refused to stand up; if you're sure he knew he was being asked/it was expected, or he was explicitly asked or reminded and said no, then I'd find his behaviour both rude and also possibly self-centred/exhibitionist. As he was in the room he still heard the prayers and saw others praying, it wouldn't have been much trouble to stand.

If he and his relatives were practicing some sort of religion where ritual sacrifice is the norm, would other people expect people to 'just go along' and stand by while they hack animals to bits? I think most people would be critical or someone who sat and watched this happening as well.

Twizbe · 13/09/2022 14:35

I think animals being hacked to bits is slightly different to standing silently while others pray....

I'm not religious, but if someone invites me to their place of worship I will respect that and them.

I have covered my head in Sikh temples, I've worn an abaya in a mosque, I've stood for prayers in church etc. if I was invited to an Ancient Greek animal sacrifice I'd eat the BBQ too (as that is essentially what it was)

I'd dump him too. It's hugely disrespectful.

AgathaX · 13/09/2022 14:39

As others have said, it was disrespectful. I think if you stay with him you may find he embarrasses you frequently over time, and most probably your DC too.

chilliplant634 · 15/11/2022 20:43

He has the right to not join in if he doesn't want to. But then you need to think about how far this will go and how much it would bother you. Are you compatible?

chilliplant634 · 15/11/2022 20:44

I mean if it would make things awkward around family or create a wedge because he never wants to come to family events in the future, how would you feel about that? Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not.

pointythings · 16/11/2022 09:25

Yeah, I'd bin him. He sounds like the worst kind of attention seeking 'look how atheist I am' rude dickhead. And I say that as a completely committed atheist. Just not a rude one. You don't have to believe to be polite and considerate to people.

Naunet · 16/11/2022 13:41

I don’t think it’s fair to expect atheists to respect religion. I don’t have any respect for any religion, why would I? What I do respect is people’s right to believe it and have a faith. If you feel he’s being disrespectful to others, then he’s not the guy for you.

Ponderingwindow · 16/11/2022 14:15

Was he eating, talking, or playing on his phone? Did he start dancing and singing show tunes? I’m guessing he actually just sat quietly while other people engaged in a religious ritual. That is showing respect. He doesn’t need to participate in any way.

I doubt the two of you are really compatible though. Op, you don’t seem to really respect his beliefs.

Rinatinabina · 16/11/2022 14:30

I’m an atheist and I would stand, it’s just polite. It’s the kind of thing I would expect from a teenager.

DogInATent · 16/11/2022 14:41

I'm an atheist, but the in-laws and family on that side observe the significant events of their church even if they're not weekly attendees. I don't mind attending, and standing when everyone else does isn't a problem for me. Although I'll remain seated when kneeling is involved.

He clearly has his own boundaries on religious participation, but you need to talk with him about what those are. Not 'have a word' just about that one event, although you should tell him you felt embarrassed by his inaction.. I think it's significant that (if I understand you correctly) this prayer did not occur in a church.

You don't sound compatible. And it sounds like he may be a lot more comfortable with not being religious than you are.