Sex in relationships

[Boymum32]

This is the first time posting, I feel a little nervous but I’m unsure where else to turn.

my partner and I have an 18 month old and I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship.

we are having difficulty with my 7 year old at the moment, his dad sadly passed away when I was pregnant and he is really finding it difficult (as am I) his behaviour is worsening in school so I have arranged play therapy and bereavement counselling. My other half can be supportive but sometimes makes comments like “it would have been worse if he had known him” and “we can’t blame that on all his bad behaviour”

I do 80% of the household “chores” and decision making / keeping up with clubs etc whilst also working two jobs. I don’t feel “in the mood” often and have expressed to my partner that in order for me to feel “in the mood” I require romance, flowers, kindness, help. However, I don’t believe I’m getting any of the above.

he is now in a childish huff with me because I refused sex last night and told me this morning we don’t have sex anywhere near enough, to which I replied - why would I want to have sex when I feel like this?

I don’t feel happy but I’m scared of being on my own again and often think I’m overreacting as he does help sometimes.

feeling really sad, worthless and defeated so kind words will go a long way.

I know that when I got my divorce years ago, I sounded just like you and for a long time

Wow. What an ego.

Clearly you know better. OP, listen to this person. They are the authority.

Do you communicate about expectations in the bedroom and romance? Sometimes you just have to tell a man what you need. We grow up watching fairy tales and romantic comedies that present men that are naturally good at romance, but the truth is that a lot of men just aren't good at romance because they don't need it. I've found that a lot of men view romance as a chore but are perfectly willing to put in the effort if you let them know your needs.

The OP should know if you have a dog in the fight

Why?! Most posters don't give a conclusive autobiography before posting. What if I'm in a happy relationship? What if I'm divorced, widowed, co-habiting? Do any of those things provide any evidence of the validity of my advice on the subject? I suppose 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' is the only real thing we can base good advice on, though.

Some of these comments are so ridiculous, they're funny!

Someone with an ego would never admit to being jaded or broken at any point.

You sound negative is all I'm pointing out. I asked you to share with us your current relationship details and.........crickets. There's probably a reason for that.

Blended families can be difficult to negotiate. Dp criticizes my parenting sometimes, on occasion she gets right on my nerves. We've had some humdinger rows over it. Upon reflection, children can be a bloody nuisance we just have different styles of parenting, she's regimented and I'm more relaxed. However, I do take on board what she says, and how she sees it.
As for sex, we have always had a strong physical and emotional connection, we always make sure we don't over-commit to anything that overwhelms or damages the relationship. Sex is the only reason people join together in the first place, given freely, a while later T and C'S are informally applied.
These T and C's cause so much angst.

As for doing things for your partner, when I used to drop the kids off, 2 hrs later I'd come back, DP, in lingerie, she often initiates even whilst WFH we have quickies.
I don't think running a bath is hitting the mark.

It matters. It's like giving advice about a job you got fired from. You're probably not going to be giving an unbiased opinion.

Look, you challenged the information I posted as if you're an authority on the subject. I'm simply asking who you are. I mean, does this woman really want to be taking advice from a 45 year old perpetually single woman that's still waiting for the "right guy," or someone that just got out of a brutal separation with a guy that had an affair on her? ......It matters

Defending yourself by saying you don't have an ego is hilarious!

The reason I didn't state my relationship status is because it's irrelevant. What difference do you think it would make? Do you think only people who are currently in relationships can give good relationship advice? Oh no... what if I'm in a relationship? What would you base your judgment on then?!

Your point of what some or many men are like is perfectly valid, but it doesn't help OP, and you presented it as if there's little point hoping for anything else. There are other sorts of men out there than the ones who need a monthly service to keep them sweet, and if that's what you think a happy relationship looks like... well, you're worst placed than anybody to be advising OP. Although it probably explains why you state self help books as facts and think that only people with a partner understand how humans work.

Best of luck, anyway. Over to you for the last word. OP, sorry for the spat on your thread. Stopping now.

So you're single.........

Sex is the only reason people join together in the first place

Not really/necessarily.

As for doing things for your partner, when I used to drop the kids off, 2 hrs later I'd come back, DP, in lingerie, she often initiates even whilst WFH we have quickies. I don't think running a bath is hitting the mark.

Having sex when you don't want it is really unpleasant, though. I don't think women should have to put out in that way, despite how they feel. I think it's detrimental to people to do it when they don't want it, and women don't owe men sex on tap.

You and your partner might operate that way at the moment and that's ok for you, but other people are just not into sex being like that, especially if there are other issues in the relationship.

OP @Boymum32 please check out alwaysmending on Tick Tock. Also known as The New Nat. It may be an eye opener for you.

It matters. It's like giving advice about a job you got fired from

Not always, PP's might've been the one to do the firing sometimes. And just because someone happens to not currently be in a relationship, that doesn't mean they don't know anything about it.

does this woman really want to be taking advice from a 45 year old perpetually single woman

None of us here will have never been in a relationship in our lives (which is what perpetually means.)

The point I was making is that one should take caution from receiving relationship advice from someone that's been single for a LONG time.

A lot of people in that situation will give advice based more on justifying the decisions they've made that have led to that relationship status than actually trying to help someone.

Relationships can be hard, and they require a lot of give and take that isn't always ideal or what we want. People that are good at relationships tend to understand this. People that aren't good at relationships eventually have to learn it, or they end up alone from what I've seen.

A man that has sex once a month is going to resent you too much

yes - if he is a neanderthal.

In the real world, sex within a long term relationship has ups and downs, good patches and bad pathces liek anything else.
After dc1 was born I don't think we had sex for about 4 months.
I'm now mid 50s and our sex life has never been better.
We've been together 23 years.
At no time did dh moan complain or try and force me into having sex.
Nor did he behave like a sulky child or resent me. He just understood that it was a phase.

I agree with the above poster who says resentment kills the romance stone dead. And nothing builds resentment more than being the one who is doing everything and exhausted at the end of the day, while he has pottered round doing bugger all and then wants sex.

Talk to him. Talk properly, give yourselves time. Try and talk rather than argue.
Honestly if you and he can't have a civil conversation about your sex life then there isn't much in this relationship is there? being able to communicate is such a basic part of a relationship.

I remember a patch where I thought I was doing everything. We talked. He chose to step up and took over some tasks, that made me feel listened too and suddenly I felt like having sex again, because I felt heard, and cared for.

Sorry I wanted to keep it PG I’m not going in to details of what I do in the bedroom but believe me it’s not nothing. However, when you’re picking up the slack of your partner whilst also not having your emotional needs met it causes your sex drive to slowly but surely leave the building.

Agree blended families are very difficult

You're talking about phases over the long term though. Yes, there's going to be periods in any long term relationship where sex is going to be off the table for extended periods of time because of kids and health issues. That's just part of life.

I'm talking about expecting a man to maintain being romantic in a long term sexless relationship. I wouldn't exactly call a man that resents his partner for never getting laid a neanderthal. It's one of the most common stated reasons for divorce, particularly in the post menopause years.

Having sex as in actual intercourse when you don't want to is awful. I won't do it. I don't mind performing oral when I'm not in the mood providing the reason I'm not in the mood isn't because of fighting and it's not expected. I feel like it really helps in my current relationships, as he's quite a bit younger than me, and his sex drive is much higher than mine. If I'm not in the mood for a few days, I'll give him a release. He knows this though, so he'll never ask for it, and I would say no if he ever did.

I'm talking about expecting a man to maintain being romantic in a long term sexless relationship.

but that is not the OPs situation is?
Her relationship is not sexless, and they have a toddler, so they are going through one of the harder phases in terms of long term relationships and sex. And you said once a month means he is fine to be resentful. That is also not a sexless relationship is it?

and I can't think of anything worse than providing oral when not in the mood, or trying to give him a quickie because you have a busy day. Sounds soul destroying.
Don't get me wrong, if that works for you, that is up to you. But I feel like the OP needs to know that other people wouldn't do that.

There would be so many fewer divorces and relationship breakdowns if more men understood the concept of responsive desire in relationships and stopped expecting their wives to want to jump on them after 20 years

I need ADVICE please friends, I have been in a relationship for two and half years now but am really confused and still can't even figure it out what kind of man am married to. Because eversince we got together there is no any single night that we slept without intercourse ( sex) Wether am sick or on my monthly period, unlike he wasn't home or sick but the confusing part is, he still cheat on me with different kinds of women, I always tried my best to satisfied him even if am not feeling fine whenever he ask for sex I sacrificed myself for him so that he doesn't go out messing with other women but still he doesn't change.So FRIENDS please I need advice What do I do?? I don't want to quit my marriage because I have a child with him already, I don't want to raise my child alone, I want my child to have the of both her parents. But am also Heartbroken for what he is doing to me, I try my best to be a good wife but he doesn't see that.

@Mirriamadong I assume you are new, so this is said in a kind way... You need to start a new thread (which I appreciate you may have intended to do!) and not piggyback on someone else's thread.

Sex is the only reason people join together in the first place, given freely

Well that’s a sad way of looking at love and relationships!
Glad I don’t know you!

Firstly, sorry, but your 7 year old is not his child and it's beginning to show. Secondly, sex in a relationship is extremely important to a man. Thirdly, you should want him viscerally without any "wooing", tho I realise that many women just don't seem able to feel that. If you feel you no longer desire him spontaneously, get out of that situation.

Zombie thread.