Sex in relationships

[Boymum32]

This is the first time posting, I feel a little nervous but I’m unsure where else to turn.

my partner and I have an 18 month old and I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship.

we are having difficulty with my 7 year old at the moment, his dad sadly passed away when I was pregnant and he is really finding it difficult (as am I) his behaviour is worsening in school so I have arranged play therapy and bereavement counselling. My other half can be supportive but sometimes makes comments like “it would have been worse if he had known him” and “we can’t blame that on all his bad behaviour”

I do 80% of the household “chores” and decision making / keeping up with clubs etc whilst also working two jobs. I don’t feel “in the mood” often and have expressed to my partner that in order for me to feel “in the mood” I require romance, flowers, kindness, help. However, I don’t believe I’m getting any of the above.

he is now in a childish huff with me because I refused sex last night and told me this morning we don’t have sex anywhere near enough, to which I replied - why would I want to have sex when I feel like this?

I don’t feel happy but I’m scared of being on my own again and often think I’m overreacting as he does help sometimes.

feeling really sad, worthless and defeated so kind words will go a long way.

A relationship like this would make anyone feel crap. You're being disrespected by him regularly, in his style of running the relationship. But the worst thing is that you are allowing it to continue, and are thereby disrespecting yourself.

That's what you need to sort out: you looking after you. So, work out what you need from your primary relationship (not necessarily from him), tell him what you need, and see if he decides to fit the bill. If not, he's choosing not to be with you, and you leave.

What is it your scared of? Whatever it is, you'll be able to overcome it. Respecting your feelings is the most important thing here. Not putting them down by thinking you're just over reacting.

What does he bring to your life?

I'd write down everything you do in a week. Hours of paid work, unpaid work, leisure. Then write down his. Then ask him to justify why he gets more leisure than you. Then ask him to work the same kind of hours of childcare, cooking and cleaning for a week and see how frisky he feels at the end of it.

The relationship you are modelling for your 7yo will have an impact on him, as well as his dad dying. A stepdad who doesn't support emotionally or practically and a seething frustrated mother won't help. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but you can't just put up with being treated without respect. I think sex can often be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Give him a chance to sort it out but he'll have to grow up pretty quickly, sex huffs are not attractive and neither is insensitivity about a small boy's bereavement.

Wow. Everyone has selfish moments in their lives, but he’s taking the biscuit here.

I think PP have it right - what DOES he add to your life at the moment? Does he work two jobs as well (or bring in income equivalent to yours)? What gives him the right to take a back seat in the household, particularly when you have so much going on?

But you wanted kind words, and you deserve them. You’re clearly a proactive Mum. You’re trying to do your best to give your DC a decent life by maximising what you can earn - you deserve more support than he’s currently giving you.

Why do you do 80% of the chores? Does he think you're a 1940's housewife?

Reduce the amount you do and let him see the consequences.

Do you think you're a 1940s housewife is more the question. Letting him see the consequences is to teach him a lesson. Having to be a parent to him is the problem. He doesn't need to be taught and OP doesn't need to teach him. OP needs a relationship with an adult, and he isn't one. He's not going to learn under her watchful tutelage...

It's been researched (not that we women needed proof!) that women want sex more when chores are shared equally. Coverage here www.you.co.uk/equal-relationship-leads-to-better-sex-life/

Yes. He’s been an arse. However, I don’t think men (or anyone) should have to “buy” sex with flowers etc. It makes it sound like a transaction of goods (guess it is in a way! 😂).

I would want my partner to want to have sex with me, just because it’s me.

I do all housework at home, all childcare, and yet I want sex more than my DH. So I guess I’m an anomaly.

His issues/your issues are deeper than sex though aren’t they? He is quite selfish and should be making more of an effort with supporting your 7 year old.

thank you for your reply,

Just wanted to clarify it’s not about just buying me flowers, like I said in the post it’s romance, kindness, appreciation and maybe the odd bunch of £5 flowers wouldn’t go amiss.

for me the issues are definitely deeper and the lack of feeling appreciated whilst also feeling overwhelmed with emotion and responsibility means the last thing I want to do is be intimate with him

Thank you to each and every one of you for your responses, I appreciate it so much.

He does work and pays the bills whilst I use the income from my two jobs to pay for childcare, food, kids clubs and save (we are in the process of buying a home together which I am so unsure of).

I need to do a lot of thinking and I like the suggestion of noting the tasks (I done this yesterday and the comparison between us is actually shocking) and looking after myself more / putting myself first.

OP, this man is not treating you as a much loved equal partner. He is treating you as a household appliance.
In his eyes, you are there to do all the donkey work, keep the food and clean laundry coming, bring in an income, and service his sexual demands.
He does not care whether his washing machine feels appreciated - and nor does he care how you feel about sex, as long as you provide a convenient orifice on demand.
I would seriously consider leaving him. He brings nothing to the table, or your bed.

Regarding my eldest.

I have suggested that my partner does more with him, more one on in time to build the bond, however, my partner believes my son isn’t “ready” for a bond (he’s been in his life 3 years) and thinks he already does a lot with him - his example was taking him to football training.

it’s all a bit of a mess at the moment 🙃

Sex is more of a physical need than an emotional connection for most men.
I didn't really understand that until my 30's.

One thing I've really discovered is that if you don't take care of a man's sexual needs, the romance will die. A man that has sex once a month is going to resent you too much to put in the extra effort in that department to make you feel special.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. I'm just telling you how it is. I was in the same situation in my 20's, and I eventually chose to get a divorce. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex with a guy that was perpetually mad at me because I wasn't having sex with him. It was almost like a snowball effect.

Something I've done to not fall into that trap with my current relationship is to provide a particular sexual favor in the morning on days I don't feel like having sex or on days that I know I'm going to be too tired when I get home. It's a pretty simple method to keep things passionate for when I do want to connect with my man, but it's probably not for everyone. I've just found that men tend to back off on romance when they feel neglected, and putting your head under the covers for a few minutes a couple times a week prevents that from happening.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. I'm just telling you how it is

... in your experience. Which isn't universal or factual.

A man that has sex once a month is going to resent you too much to put in the extra effort in that department to make you feel special

I'm sorry that this is what you've learned. It's not the case for everyone.

As far as the house chores, that's communication.
Tell him your expectations, and call him on it when they're not met. If changes aren't made, seek relationship counseling or move on. You don't need someone in your life that isn't doing their fair share of running a household.

While it's true that no one wants to feel like a subordinate in a relationship, if you fancy your partner you'll want to have sex with a frequency that matches your sex drive (but not necessarily theirs). All this 'not pulling their weight with the household chores' is a red herring. I doubt hardly any floundering relationships are cured just by the husband doing more hoovering or laundry.

It's similar with men getting talked into a vasectomy with the promise that it'll rejuvenate their sex lives. It very rarely does. Men (and women) need to realise that it's a natural progression of a long term relationship that involves having kids for the sex to reduce. I guess it's almost like nature's contraceptive effect.

Being turned down for sex by your partner is the ultimate rejection - for most men the thought that their partner rarely/never wants to have sex with them is demoralising. A lot of men check out emotionally when that becomes the norm. It's all a bit chicken and egg.

So, what are you doing to 'romance' your partner?

Nothing outside of mathematics is universal or factual.

I'm merely pointing out that guys tend to put less effort into being romantic when they're not getting sex, and women tend to put less effort into sex when they're not getting romanced. I mean, are you really going to argue that?

This is biological and one of the main points of the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. Sure, you can find young hetro couples where this isn't true, but they're few and far between.

Don't buy a house with him and don't have any more children

You're stating tendencies as facts. One thing might be more common than the other, but that doesn't really matter. We can still all look for what we want.

A man that has sex once a month is going to resent you too much

Is a dangerous statement. Your whole premise is 'Give him sex if you want to keep him sweet'. You might base your life around this, and 'Women Are From Venus', but @Boymum32 don't go believing that that's the only way forward.

It's really dodgy to suggest OP 'provides' more sexual gratification to someone who doesn't even respect her basic relational need for equality.

OP, tell him what you need. He can decide for himself whether he wants to provide it, and you can decide from there if he gets to stay with you.

I'm stating tendencies as tendencies unless you didn't understand my last post. Even in my first post, I'm talking in generalities, and it's assumed anyone reading said post would understand that. Are you sure you aren't just trying to argue? Did that post make you mad or something? These aren't ideas that are exclusive to my personal experiences. There's mountains of literature on this stuff. I'm also not suggesting she does anything outside of communicating with her man and setting expectations in regards to the house chores. I'm simply telling her some things about men that tend to be true in most cases. She can make her own decisions as to if she wants to consider them as viable options to improve her relationship.

Also, how old are you, and are you single? How often do you have sex if you are in a relationship, and is it a healthy relationship? These things matter if you're going to be giving out relationship advice. The OP should know if you have a dog in the fight. I know that when I got my divorce years ago, I sounded just like you and for a long time.

we never go more than a week without having sex, to put it in to perspective.

While it's true that no one wants to feel like a subordinate in a relationship, if you fancy your partner you'll want to have sex with a frequency that matches your sex drive

@altmember Not if they've really annoyed you for quite a while- it'd put a lot of people off their partner.

Being turned down for sex by your partner is the ultimate rejection - for most men

Then they need to a) get out of that way of thinking and also b) try and be decent partners.

This is biological and one of the main points of the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

That book isn't science, just something a bloke wrote.

Resentment kills libido stone dead. Whether it's because of feeling used, or unappreciated, or disrespected, it's a passion killer.

• leave notes for him
• run him baths after a long day
• organise date nights
• Organise surprise activities with his friends
• Surprise trips for his birthday
• small gifts of his favourite things

ETC

As you can see from my original post there are other factors than just housework at play here.