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Original poster

Sex drive clash

34 replies

Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 06:18

How do you navigate different sex drives? Mine is like through the floor and OH is possibly normal for a man I don't know but feels high because mine is so low. I try to be reasonable and not constantly decline but I feel like OH does take the mick and every other day I have to either give in or constantly say no. I dont want to get to point where it's effectively scheduled! But I have explained to OH I just do not feel the inclination basically ever but maybe very very VERY rarely so when I'm always being pestered it puts me off even more. Most times I'm accepting but every once in a while it makes me lose my mind and I'm at that time now!

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 13/09/2022 06:32

With my ex husband we had something similar and yes we scheduled. It worked better as I couldn't conceive being pestered and at least he knew when it was happening.

My idea was that sex is part of marriage so it's important to make a bit of an effort even if you're not in the mood. We did that for 10 years and divorced anyway at the end once children grew up.

pjparty · 13/09/2022 06:42

I would also try to get to the bottom of why it's through the floor, and whether there is something you could do ignite it again or if it has it always been very low. Mine is very low when I'm stressed or overworked as naturally I'm distracted and don't enjoy it as much.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2022 06:43

Do you think you’ll ever want sex again? Is it something you’d consider therapy for? He shouldn’t pester you into sex and you should never have sex you don’t want but it’s not fair to enforce celibacy on your partner assuming you’re in a monogamous relationship- either open the relationship to other partners or end it

Tiswa · 13/09/2022 06:49

Communication I think and be honest with him

his sounds high and the demands he is placing on you isn’t going to get yours back up st the moment simply giving in is going to kill what remaining drive you have

tell him it’s low - it’s no one fault but that actually looking into this (after birth/pregnancy/menopause/demands of life/children) and working it out together

scheduling I think works if you schedule in time together and start that without sex attached (indeed I recommend off the table) to try reconnecting in other ways and take it from there

it will need willingness and work on both sides

C1N1C · 13/09/2022 07:04

I'm going to chime in as I feel we're going to need the other side's perspective... I'm a male and in exactly his situation. We've been married three years, together for 5 and my wife isn't interested in sex at all either... she says she enjoys it when it happens and orgasms every time, but just has no desire for it.

It's tricky because from your perspective(s), you're not big fans of it, (asexual?) and when we ask it gets annoying, pushy, and as you've said, it becomes this chore with a negative feedback loop where being pushed makes you want it even less... which can then cause arguments.

From his/our perspectives, I understand why (for my wife it is hormones (thyroid), depression... just trying to cheer her up is a challenge, so I can understand why she isn't in the mood), and I'm sure he understands too. The problem is the little niggling thoughts that WILL creep in... sex and intimacy are usually linked with love... to not feel like she wants you that way will often make you feel worthless. The feeling of 'she orgasms, how can she not want it?'- making you feel like there's something else in the background.

There will be lots of people on here that will just jump on the "you're not compatible, this is a red flag, he clearly doesn't care for your needs, divorce him" bandwagon, as I've seen many times before... but I'm going to assume you love him, and like my relationship, don't want this to ruin things. I've told my wife many times before that I would rather not be having sex but be with her, than to have sex with anyone else and not be with her. I'm not going to lie though, it IS painful to feel rejected every day.

For me, I've just accepted that it probably won't happen and in time he might too. Is it sex you're not enthusiastic about? Can you placate with oral?... or just don't fancy any of it? Do you 'not help matters' by running around naked, sleep naked etc?- I know you should be allowed to, but that could be viewed as an unfair temptation. Talk to him and tell him directly the situation... I think you BOTH have to really think of some compromises if you want it to work. In truth, I can't help you... I'm living it from his side and it's not fun. It has led to my feelings of sex being associated with rejection. Then there is that pressure of being able to perform on the blue moon for fear that if you don't, she'll want it even less. The negative feedback loop of getting turned on and rejected results in occasional erectile issues because your body just gives up with a "what's the point" attitude.

This is not meant to make you feel pressured or guilty and I am really sorry if it has come out that way. I'm just trying to offer the other perspective. I'm actually really interested in hearing ideas/solutions too!..

YRGAM · 13/09/2022 07:04

Do you enjoy the sex you have? Is he considerate? Does he initiative in a jokey/childish way? Is there any feedback about how sex feels for you that you could give him and make it more enjoyable? It's best to be as honest as possible in this kind of situation as right now you're lying to him and to yourself, and basically having sex you don't want. That's not fair on either of you. I suggest you tell him what you've said here

Plumbathread · 13/09/2022 07:12

With my ex husband we had something similar and yes we scheduled

This is essentially what we did. I may be a bit different in that I enjoy sex but it never really occurs to me to have it. That meant that my husband had to initiate every time and he said he ended up feeling like a sex pest.

Since I started taking testosterone with HRT my sex drive has increased, only slightly, but enough to feel the urge at random times which very rarely happened before.

Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:18

To be honest I think birth control definitely plays a part. I wouldn't say it's ever been super high but I recall distant days of actually wanting to have sex. Add to that kids life and everything else but I've tried various birth control and all seem to just whack my sex drive into kill mode.

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Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:21

I've been honest and said its just not something I particularly feel I want. I wouldn't say that means I never enjoy it. There are times I do. With OH it's very much hurt pride I think its like as though I'm "playing hard to get" or somehow denying how much I enjoy it because rejecting sex means rejecting him, if you get me?

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Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:30

No your feedback is fantastic I really appreciate. I think you have summed up a lot of our issues. I think synthetic hormones are playing a part in the issues but I'd rather that than risk another child! And you are right on some occasions we do have sex I can enjoy it and maybe thats what reinforces in OH head that I must just be being dramatic when I say I honestly don't want or enjoy sex that much.
I deliberately try not to do any of those things to encourage him, as you said yes I do get mad because I should be able to do what I want in my home without it being an invitation, but such is the nature of the beast. But no my simple existence is enough. Its to the point where we are both at home alot when kids are at school and I'm constantly on edge because being home alone means sexy time.
Writing this all out has made me realise that a lot is tied up to feeling that its always lurking in the background and there's resentment that I cant just live my life without it being ever present. I think for me if there were times I knew it was just off the table and I could even hug him without it being some kind of initiation for something more then I wouldn't feel so resentful but literally anything links to sex.
I do appreciate you bringing perspective from other side. Its all so complicated!

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YouAreNotBatman · 13/09/2022 07:31

sex and intimacy are usually linked with love...

Why is this always brought up when there is lack off sex?
Meanwhile people have hook-up’s, fuckbuddies whatever and no one catches feelings or cares.

I’ve always thought saying the qouted is some kind of manipulation tactic…

Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:34

We do have sex. A lot. I've heard different numbers about averages for couples and the number of times we have sex is always higher. Its just I don't ever particularly want to and even though I've explained this to my OH its like not computing. It's gotten to the point its a real source of contention for me and when it bubbles up it becomes a serious argument.

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Flumpymc · 13/09/2022 07:35

If you think your contraception is playing a part and you're certain you want no more kids, can he consider a vasectomy?

I am a woman who was on the other side, exh didn't ever feel like it, we divorced. Sex for me is so closely linked to love and general intimacy that it destroyed my felt esteem and how i felt about the relationship. It wasn't the only issue by any means, but it was a massive part of why we separated.

Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:37

Those are very different scenarios with different motivations than sex within a long term committed relationship thought aren't they?

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Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:38

Absolutely no way he'd have a vasectomy. He's extremely old fashioned in a sense and thats like his masculinity. I am actually considering whether I should do something more permanent not involving hormones myself

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Anothernick · 13/09/2022 07:41

When our DC were young and sex threatened to slip off the agenda we made a deal that we should try not to go more than a week without. This was not quite the same thing as scheduling it but it meant that when one of us came on to the other the deal was in the back of our minds and if it seemed a long time since we had last DTD then the default position was not to refuse.

Obviously there were occasions on which one of us was a more reluctant participant than the other but as a PP said, sex is a vital part of a partnership and, like other aspects of a relationship, involves compromise.

We've been together more than 30 years and and an active commitment to sex on the part of both of us has been a very important factor pulling us through the bad times that inevitably arise in relationships of that length.

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 07:42

I agree with above posters that scheduling sex can be the answer here. We tend to place a lot of emphasis on sex having to be spontaneous, but I honestly think scheduled sex can be just as enjoyable and have the advantage of helping both partners to manage their expectations.

Permanent contraception for one of you may also be worth exploring.

JustFrustrated · 13/09/2022 07:42

Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:34

We do have sex. A lot. I've heard different numbers about averages for couples and the number of times we have sex is always higher. Its just I don't ever particularly want to and even though I've explained this to my OH its like not computing. It's gotten to the point its a real source of contention for me and when it bubbles up it becomes a serious argument.

Well if you do have sex "a lot" stop looking for solutions and tell him to get away.

People are offering solutions for NO sex, not multiple times a week sex that isn't enough for your DH.

How often are you having sex?

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2022 07:43

If he is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home that isn’t the nature of the beast it is wrong if you can’t even feel you can walk around without pressure that is another level

at the moment all the pressure and compromise is on you - his issue is that he can’t see that he thinks because he isn’t getting the ridiculously high amount he wants he is compromising he isnt

it needs communication and compromise I suspect you won’t get it

Pacca · 13/09/2022 07:44

"We do have sex. A lot. I've heard different numbers about averages for couples and the number of times we have sex is always higher. Its just I don't ever particularly want to and even though I've explained this to my OH its like not computing.*

There's a word for a man who has sex with an unwilling partner.

please stop having sex you don't want. It will ruin your mental health.

hellcatspangle · 13/09/2022 07:46

Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 07:38

Absolutely no way he'd have a vasectomy. He's extremely old fashioned in a sense and thats like his masculinity. I am actually considering whether I should do something more permanent not involving hormones myself

Do you want more children? If not why not get sterilised or talk to him more about a vasectomy...he might be willing if he finds out more about it and realises it could reignite your sex life.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/09/2022 08:07

A few thought

are you masturbating ? Can you put aside some time to wank and pleasure yourself to get back into what you like

if the synthetic hormones are dampening sex drive , and you ain’t having sex - then bin them ?

are there things he can do that would turn you on , ie change the foreplay and scene , time ?

it might be that a change in time and technique could get you more into it

and if you don’t , and he doesn’t turn you on maybe the marriage needs to be considered

Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 08:29

It wouldn't be fair to put all that feeling on him. That's just how I thinkhes thinking but it's not always sometimes he's just living his life. But because I feel tense about it I guess it's like in the back of my mind all the time

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Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 08:30

We have kids. I dont want more. He does so I'd consider it for myself because were we to break up then he's free to continue his life

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Original poster
Urnatalone · 13/09/2022 08:33

To go a whole week without is rare. It's usually every couple of days. I think you are right. I'm feeling that I'm the problem whereas in fact I think I'm being quite accommodating. Thing is we have these discussions we set limits etc but like a kid he pushes boundaries and things slip back into old habits. I just need to be firm and we both have to compromise

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