Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wrongly accused of coercive control

35 replies

notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 21:06

DH family (started by MIL) are accusing me of this.

Im not sure what to do. Ignore ? If they actually reported their concerns could I be in trouble and investigated? I’ve done nothing wrong. MIL just can’t accept she’s pushed her son away with her unpleasantness so is blaming me and saying I’m keeping him from them 🤦‍♀️

what do I do ?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2022 21:08

Ignore.

Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 21:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2022 21:08

Ignore.

It’s genuinely stressing me out. My youngest is still breastfed I have visions of getting arrested and separated from her and I’ve done nothing wrong. At worst would they just speak to dh and he can explain everything is ok

OP posts:
BarryK3nt · 12/09/2022 21:13

Don’t be silly, of course that’s not going to happen.

Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 21:16

I’m trying to tell myself that but I assume these things have to be taken seriously ? It’s really upset me

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 12/09/2022 21:19

Don't you worry. My mum was genuinely a victim of coercive control and the police didn't want to know in the least.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 21:19

Good grief, no one is going to arrest you. Ignore the nutter, she's just trying to manipulate you.

Goawayangryman · 12/09/2022 21:22

Is your husband on your side or enmeshed? The response is probably the same regardless - unless it is actually true. Just absolutely ignore and don't get involved in any way.

What examples does she cite to back up her claims?

And how did this get back to you? Did she say to you directly, "poor Johnny is the victim of coercive control" sort of thing, or has it been relayed by someone else?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/09/2022 21:30

Is it because dh doesn't agree to her having free rein of your dc?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 12/09/2022 21:34

Coercive control is quite hard to evidence when it is happening, so I think you’ll be fine if she’s falsely accusing you.

ignore her

Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 21:50

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/09/2022 21:30

Is it because dh doesn't agree to her having free rein of your dc?

That was one of the issues (there are a lot)

If dh doesn’t get amazing gifts for occasions she has asked am I controlling what he spends. Recently a lot of the men in the family went on a stag weekend- dh chose (totally his choice!!) not to because weve been exhausted with the dc and work etc but MIL said I’d obviously banned him from going. Just so many things basically if dh makes a choice she doesn’t agree with rather than take that up with him she prefers to blame me.

When we went for a meal it was dh turn to drive so he wasn’t drinking. MIL said why was I stoping him from drinking and now therefore controlling what he consumes and how it was deliberate to make his life unenjoyable. That I should in fact go home early and leave dh there to drink and have fun with his family and they’d drop him home - i asked him what did he want to do and he was fine to do what we planned but MIL was furious.

We have a joint account and MIL also dislikes this. For birthdays she will say to dh each time to get his own account so that she can transfer him money for dc gifts and then I can’t take it !!! I’d never do that but she keeps saying him ‘not being allowed’ his own account is financial abuse. We just have the one account as it’s easier not for any other reason

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/09/2022 21:52

Even a dodgy solicitor would struggle to make any sort of issue with that shite.
Ignore op. Tell dh her name isn't to be mentioned in your home.

Pinkbonbon · 12/09/2022 22:01

Unless your husband reported you there's literally nothing they can say that would be taken seriously. Assuming your husband isn't classed as an vulnerable person.

Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 22:03

Pinkbonbon · 12/09/2022 22:01

Unless your husband reported you there's literally nothing they can say that would be taken seriously. Assuming your husband isn't classed as an vulnerable person.

No he’s not classed as vulnerable.

Im just so stressed by it I feel like she’s really trying everything she can to destabilise me and it’s just so unpleasant

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/09/2022 22:11

Keep away from her op. No law says you need have a relationship with her whatsoever..

Goawayangryman · 12/09/2022 22:11

You feel that way because she ... Is.

Whether because she is unable to let go of her little boy or because she is projecting her issues onto your relationship.

The only way to deal with this fuckwittery is to wave, smile and seem totally unaffected. She is looking for a reaction/ for your actions to confirm her batshit ideas and interpretation of things.

chipsandpeas · 12/09/2022 22:13

whats your DH doing about it as it doesnt seem like hes saying anything to change their mind

Ostagazuzulum · 12/09/2022 22:17

Has your DH had a word with your MIL? I think he needs to.

CampRedLeaf · 12/09/2022 22:20

Why are you spending time with her?

Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 22:23

Ostagazuzulum · 12/09/2022 22:17

Has your DH had a word with your MIL? I think he needs to.

Yes but she maintains he is in denial

OP posts:
Original poster
notmySortofthing · 12/09/2022 22:25

CampRedLeaf · 12/09/2022 22:20

Why are you spending time with her?

I haven’t seen her for 2 weeks because of this as it’s just got out of hand but ive spent those 2 weeks stressing because of what she’s been saying

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 12/09/2022 22:27

She's batshit
Cut her off. Don't see her and don't engage with her.
She herself needs reporting for coercive control

Goawayangryman · 12/09/2022 22:33

I disagree with encouraging your husband to talk to her. It will only fan the flames.

"Johnny, you can't see what she is doing. I'm worried for you, it's insidious" etc etc etc.
"Ok"
"Johnny she has you so in her thrall that you've become a robot. Can't you understand why I'm so concerned?"
"Ok mum" ( insert diversion.here.....)

Speak from bitter experience in a different but very similar sort of situation and having done the mollycoddling which absolutely did not work

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/09/2022 22:36

She won't get anywhere with anything of what you've said so don't worry about that.

However, where is your H in all this. Why is he tolerating this and not talking to her about it and stopping her?

MillyWithaY · 12/09/2022 22:38

Take a massive step back OP. Do not engage and don't have any contact - why would you have contact?!

I went no contact with my inlaws many many years ago due to their interference and lies about me. We called a truce after about 6 months when they realised that, unlike my husband (only child), I wouldn't dance to their tune. We've got on ok since. They don't like me but they respect me because I stand up to then, whereas they like my husband but they really don't respect him.

You should just laugh at them when they plat the coercive control card. They're being ridiculous.

Facecream · 12/09/2022 22:46

OP - just stop seeing them. Tell him you are not going to any events or whatever with them. He can go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread