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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narc mother expects me to give up the rest of my annual leave so she can go abroad for the 2nd time this year

42 replies

parmohotshot · 12/09/2022 12:20

I’ll try and keep this short. In 2018 we got a dog, my mother suggested it because she felt sorry for my golden child brother being lonely. But I had always wanted a dog from being a little girl so naturally I got excited and found the dog and collected her etc.

Fastforward to now, I am 27 and live with my new partner, I haven’t lived at home for 3 years now. My 19 year old golden child brother still lives at home. My mother wants me to wipe out the rest of my annual leave (I have 12 days left) to have the dog at my house so she can go on holiday AGAIN, for 9 days even though my brother lives at home.

Me and my partner just got a cockatiel, so I said no I couldn’t have the dog, as she has a high prey drive and would try to kill my new bird. I work 6 days a week, 10 and a half hour days sometimes and I want to use my remaining leave to spend time with my partner.

I got an angry call from my mother 4 days ago at 7:38am saying she is LIVID demanding I go to my parents house after work to “discuss it” and I WILL have the dog, she’s apparently
Going to come and tie it to my fence. I said no I am not coming over, I’m working late and I offered to come home and feed the dog on my way home from work while shes away.

It would be easier if my brother just stayed at home but HE doesn’t want to use his annual leave, and he doesn’t want to come home after work he wants to go to his girlfriends! So apparently he can’t help. My brother even suggested that I move out of my house for 9 days and stay there to look after the dog! Like I’m just going to leave my life with my partner 🤣

But I am the bad guy in all of this. Apparently I have turned into a “horrible self centred person” and she is done, she has never been so disappointed in anyone in her whole life and she’s deleting me off all of her social media. She also said that now she “can’t go on holiday” she has nothing to live for and will kill herself.

But it’s ok for me to work my balls off and have no proper time off for myself? I haven’t been abroad in 3 years.

I’m just exhausted, and too old for this shit. I don’t really care if I never speak to her again. I love my dad but he just enables her at this point. Even if I did help her out, it would only be a matter of time until she throws a tantrum with me again and I’m the worst person to walk the earth.

Why are they so draining? After checking this morning she has blocked me from all social media.. no word from my dad at all.

OP posts:
EverestMilton · 12/09/2022 12:24

Why can't they just put the dog into kennels?

purplecorkheart · 12/09/2022 12:26

If she has booked certain dates tell her that you asked for Leave but it was refused due to other people being out or a big project or something.

steppemum · 12/09/2022 12:29

your mother is manipulating you so that you will end up feeling guilty and going to her house and looking after the dog.

Of course it is perfectly reasonable of you to say no.
You have now said no and so she is havign a temper tantrum, raising the stakes higher and higher until you give in.

Well, take a step back. Let her cancel you on social media etc. Let her have a hissy fit.
But whatever you do, don't give in. Don't agree to having the dog.
Be clear to her, (and your brother) that if the dog is left tied to your fence you will take it to the dog shelter for rehomeing, as you cannot have the dog at your house.
But you have to be prepared to go through with it. If she knows that you will give in, then she just keep pushing until you do give in.

autocollantes · 12/09/2022 12:29

After checking this morning she has blocked me from all social media.

I read "narc mother expects" then skimmed to here.

She's never. Going to change.

Block her back and have an easier life.

Honestly I'm NC with mine and there's sometimes guilt, but it's NOTHING compared to dealing with narc crap.

VanillaParkersBowl · 12/09/2022 12:29

That's narcissists for you. Whatever you do it will be wrong. Do you want to stay in contact with her?

Sunshinegirl82 · 12/09/2022 12:30

She sounds bonkers!

Of course the dog is not your responsibility, if you can't do it, you can't do it. Dog can go into kennels etc.

I'd tell her if she abandons the dog you will take it to the RSPCA as it has been abandoned. If she threatens to kill herself sag you will call the police so that they can check on her and then follow through.

I'm assuming that this sort of behaviour usually results in her getting what she wants? If so I'm not surprised that she's escalating to try and get you to comply, like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I think you are going to have to draw a line in the sand here otherwise this will never stop.

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 12:31

You know this deep down anyway but she's actually done you a favour. Be thankful.

thistimelastweek · 12/09/2022 12:33

Not your dog, not your responsibility.

Let her sulk. In fact, enjoy the peace whilst she does.

CampRedLeaf · 12/09/2022 12:35

If she's blocked you then that saves you from doing it yourself then doesn't it.

Just ignore her bullshit and wait for her to come crawling back when she wants something.

StopFeckingFaffing · 12/09/2022 12:37

Who does the dog belong to?

Assuming the dog is your Mum's and not yours (not entirely clear in OP as it's says "we got a dog") then it is her responsibility to sort out who will care for the dog while she is away.

Sounds like she is being ridiculous unless you have neglected to mention that you have joint responsibility for the dog and it was acquired on the understanding you would share responsibility for it.

WaveyHair · 12/09/2022 12:37

She has done you a favour by blocking you on sm. make sure you have blocked her at your end.

Stick to your guns-and let her deal with it. If she abandons at your door take to the RSPCA or leave it with your brother.

Her dog = her responsibility

InsertPunHere · 12/09/2022 12:38

Shake it off. You don't need her craziness.

3peassuit · 12/09/2022 12:41

Block her right back and keep her blocked. If she carries out her threat, take the dog to a shelter and report her for animal cruelty.

Island77 · 12/09/2022 12:46

That’s hard, but your mom is not going to change if she is narcissistic. There is no cure for that, only to act as a ‘grey stone’ ( look it up on the web, maybe youtube ) when faced with a narcissist…
My dad is one, and i keep on needing to pull myself back on my expectations of him. It sounds familiar your mom with her ‘golden child’ your brother.
Draw your own boundaries, and stick to them. Giving a narcissist a ‘no’ is very hard, dont let her emotionally guilt trip you. It is completely fine to make up your mind, and draw your own plans. She will throw her toys out of the pram, and act up like a baby.

This could be about anything, this time it’s about the dog..

Good luck, be strong ! 🤗

AryaStarkWolf · 12/09/2022 12:47

Eesh, sounds like life would be so much easier and less stressful for you if she keeps you blocked. Awful carry on.

sheepdogdelight · 12/09/2022 12:52

After checking this morning she has blocked me from all social media

She's done it to get a reaction. So don't give her one. If she's blocked you, all the harder to get in contact with you.
And stop answering the phone/close the conversation down if she mentions the dog again.

(my mother is also like this)

About10lbstogo · 12/09/2022 12:55

"If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs and blaming it on you"

I'm impressed you're seeing reality so clearly - at 27 I was still deep in the fog.

All strength to you.

hedgehoglurker · 12/09/2022 12:59

Isn't the dog your dad's too? What is his solution? Why is the stress all on your mum to arrange their dog's care?

Not that I'm condoning her behaviour, but wondering where your dad fits into this, as he seems to be just as bad if expecting you to take on the responsibility.

Goldbar · 12/09/2022 13:16

I would tell her that if she no longer wants the responsibility of a dog (including paying for kennels when required), she needs to rehome it.

Despairingof · 12/09/2022 13:19

Was the dog yours? When you were 23 you got a dog whilst living with your mother and then moved out and left the dog there? That puts a different perspective on things and you should help, surely you and your brother can agree a rota?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 12/09/2022 13:21

I'm not understanding why your brother can't look after the dog. You'd think he'd jump at the chance to have the house to himself plus girlfriend

BudgetBlast · 12/09/2022 13:27

TW Yep you’ve hit the nail on the head there with a good example of narcissistic behaviour. Cruel, manipulative, not recognising boundaries. All there.

It was rife in my family as well and then topped off with a bit of CSA from the worst of the narcissists for good measure but most narcissism is so insidious and difficult to explain well but your example nails the whole cycle. Mistreat someone, make unreasonable demands from them and then play the victim. It is very, very unpleasant.

As another poster put it narcissistic people are enormously rigid and resistant to change so it is very unlikely that you will get any improvement from her. They are also more common on a continuum than people realise.

TBH I would enjoy the welcome break from her for a while and reevaluate into the future.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/09/2022 13:28

Narcs don’t change. Great opportunity here to go NC. If she’s already blocked you then it’s already been made easy. Do not cave - the dog is not your responsibility.

Original poster
parmohotshot · 12/09/2022 13:29

Despairingof · 12/09/2022 13:19

Was the dog yours? When you were 23 you got a dog whilst living with your mother and then moved out and left the dog there? That puts a different perspective on things and you should help, surely you and your brother can agree a rota?

The dog was really for my brother. I have already offered to help off my own back, I said I would pop in on the dog on the way home from work, brother can go see his girlfriend then come back later. But it's their way or the highway.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 12/09/2022 13:33

Even that isn't fair on the dog. She needs to sort kennels or rehome the dog if she wants a holiday.

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