Narc mother expects me to give up the rest of my annual leave so she can go abroad for the 2nd time this year

[parmohotshot]

I’ll try and keep this short. In 2018 we got a dog, my mother suggested it because she felt sorry for my golden child brother being lonely. But I had always wanted a dog from being a little girl so naturally I got excited and found the dog and collected her etc.

Fastforward to now, I am 27 and live with my new partner, I haven’t lived at home for 3 years now. My 19 year old golden child brother still lives at home. My mother wants me to wipe out the rest of my annual leave (I have 12 days left) to have the dog at my house so she can go on holiday AGAIN, for 9 days even though my brother lives at home.

Me and my partner just got a cockatiel, so I said no I couldn’t have the dog, as she has a high prey drive and would try to kill my new bird. I work 6 days a week, 10 and a half hour days sometimes and I want to use my remaining leave to spend time with my partner.

I got an angry call from my mother 4 days ago at 7:38am saying she is LIVID demanding I go to my parents house after work to “discuss it” and I WILL have the dog, she’s apparently
Going to come and tie it to my fence. I said no I am not coming over, I’m working late and I offered to come home and feed the dog on my way home from work while shes away.

It would be easier if my brother just stayed at home but HE doesn’t want to use his annual leave, and he doesn’t want to come home after work he wants to go to his girlfriends! So apparently he can’t help. My brother even suggested that I move out of my house for 9 days and stay there to look after the dog! Like I’m just going to leave my life with my partner 🤣

But I am the bad guy in all of this. Apparently I have turned into a “horrible self centred person” and she is done, she has never been so disappointed in anyone in her whole life and she’s deleting me off all of her social media. She also said that now she “can’t go on holiday” she has nothing to live for and will kill herself.

But it’s ok for me to work my balls off and have no proper time off for myself? I haven’t been abroad in 3 years.

I’m just exhausted, and too old for this shit. I don’t really care if I never speak to her again. I love my dad but he just enables her at this point. Even if I did help her out, it would only be a matter of time until she throws a tantrum with me again and I’m the worst person to walk the earth.

Why are they so draining? After checking this morning she has blocked me from all social media.. no word from my dad at all.

No, just say no I can't do it. End of. She can kick off all she likes, the answer is till no. I am sorry op but you are being railroaded, just be firm and polite on repeat, 'no that won't be possible'. Repeat until she thinks of another solution - which she will. Not your problem!

Blocking you is a disgusting way to treat a child, and immature. I would enjoy the peace and ignore her. Your dad sounds weak.

Can you just leave them to it? Get on with your new life.

Straight out of the Trump playbook. Accusing you of what she's doing herself. eg “horrible self centred person” ...check
You have moved out and live independently. You don't have to obey her every command. She is unreasonable.
Why can't your brother take the dog with him to his girlfriends?
Let her block you... I predict she will unblock to have another go at you.

Suggestions on this thread like tell her clearly (by letter) you are not having the dog. You are not stopping her from going on holiday. You have already looked after the dog for one holiday this year. She can make other arrangements for the dog for second holiday. Further Suicide threats will be reported to the police so they can check on her etc.

This is making you so unhappy - yet you don't have to put up with this. It sounds like you work very hard and deserve some time off with your partner. Focus on the people and activities that do make you happy and let your Mum save her breath to cool her porridge. Its difficult to stand up to people who have been used to controlling you and are reacting like this but you have to stand firm, or they will never stop.

Just to add, you have already taken the punishment for saying no... Don't weaken and say yes, that's the worse of both worlds.

This is the solution....only however if your mother has made sure that the dog is up to date on their vaccines.

Not your dog = not your problem.

Tell her that you fail to see the lack of planning on her part as a reason for an emergency on yours.

Or, try to find something equally outrageous to ask her to do and see what her response to that is. Turn it around on her. Try to make her see just how wholly unreasonable her 'request' is.

This

I'm just after seeing this update.

Don't offer to do anything with the dog. It's not your dog any more. Your brother can pop in from his girlfriend's place to feed the dog, walk the dog and look after the dog.
You do nothing for the dog.

As someone else posted, if they leave the dog in the house unattended, either the neighbours will complain and they will lose the dog or if they leave it tied to your gate you will take the dog to a shelter so that it can be rehomed by people who care about the dog.

They don't see the dog as anything more than an inconvenience. I'd say (just going by what you've posted) that they may see you as an inconvenience or someone who is only useful when you're doing their bidding for them. Time to drop that rope!

Jesus, your own mother. Sorry OP, it's really rubbish that one of the people who is supposed to love you the most, is such a fucking disgrace.

Hopefully you have some good people in your life. I'd not be opening up the lines of communication again with her.

If she can afford to go on holiday she can afford kennels. OP if you give in it will come at great personal cost to yourself. If you do it then you are putting your mother and her needs before yourself and your partner ms needs. No matter how busy your life gets in future they will always expect you to drop everything for them.
Keep your days off for yourself and your partner to enjoy together. Life is short and you will never be able to please your mother so stop trying.

Sounds like my Mum. I feel for you OP. This isn't your problem, let her do whatever she is going to do and stay out of it. She will only ever treat you the same way, every time.

I feel sorry for the dog but she can make other arrangements, you are not her only option.

Does nobody love and care for this poor dog?

shes a narc op you said so yoursrlf just ignore her

you brother actually lives there but shes making you take responsibilty

Yes, she is very much loved, she's spoilt and I walk her on my day off when my mam and dad are at work. She gets taken on days out and gets a private field hired for her to be off lead. It just so happens my mother is a narcissist and puts everything and everyone behind her own selfish wants.

The dog & holiday is a red herring; it's a way of seeing how high/far she can get you jump when she demands. And of course the threat of suicide is simply ridiculous, meaningless emotional blackmail.

What's stopping you from getting on living your own life and just not engaging with her and stop seeing her. Why can't you just cut her out? If people don't add value to your life and are actively harming you, it doesn't matter if they are family. Stop walking the dog on your days off too - let her get a dog walker.

Why can't she book it in kennels or a dog boarder, like a normal person would?

I would stop walking the dog on your days off too going forward.

She's mean with money too most likely so does not want to put the dog in kennels.

Read about the abuse tactic called DARVO; that is what your mother has done to you.

It is NOT possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and indeed your dad here is a bystander to all this along with he being her weak and willing secondary enabler. He has also failed you as a parent by failing to protect you at all from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. He cannot be at all relied upon nor trusted either.

People like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need willing enablers to help them (I would also include your brother in this). Honestly you need to drop the rope/lead they hold out to you via the dog and rebuild your life without your family in it.

Do read Will I ever be good Enough by Karyl McBride. You may also want to look at and post on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.