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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing ex with new wife...why does it hurt?

36 replies

curtaintales · 12/09/2022 09:59

We split up over 2 years ago and since then he has married and I'm in long term relationship.
Seeing pics and videos of him with her kills me.
He treated me awful,not just bad but sadistic.
Doing things to deliberately hurt me,put me through so much,caused me so much upset and now it's like he is someone I don't recognise.
How can he change from the nasty person he was to this.
I've got so many questions
Why couldn't he treat me nice
Why didn't I deserve the same respect he shows her
I was good enough too.
It makes me really upset even tho I've moved on

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 12/09/2022 10:00

He hasn’t changed. She just hasn’t seen ‘him’ yet.

fedup078 · 12/09/2022 10:03

Why are you looking at pictures and videos? That needs to stop

riserved · 12/09/2022 10:03

Did he treat you well when you first knew him OP?

MsFrog · 12/09/2022 10:03

It is nothing to do with you. As the PP has said, the real him will surface - there may even be some of it there behind closed doors already.

It's completely understandable that it would hurt to feel like he's treating her differently, but I doubt he will in the long term. And you're right - you deserved his respect and to be treated well, you are good enough. Sounds like he doesn't deserve you respect, OP.

Take care x

Lilithslove · 12/09/2022 10:04

Why are you seeing pictures and videos of him? Are you on his social media? If so block him so you don't see him.

I also think you might benefit from counselling to help rationalize it and move on.

SpinningFloppa · 12/09/2022 10:16

Why are you seeing them? The answer to most of these posts are stop looking, just stop! You are only hurting yourself

Original poster
curtaintales · 12/09/2022 10:16

We all socialised together so I have his friends /partners on my social media

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/09/2022 10:31

It hurts because you are still placing value on his judgement of you.

He is not, in any way, the judge of you. He's one individual human being, who didn't treat you well. The question you need to be asking isn't 'Why did he do what he did?', it's 'Why do I care?'

It'll be to do with your upbringing, I'd bet. Were your parents lovely to each other? Were they lovely to you, when you were a kid? If you've got a 'no' for either of those questions, that's the reason this is still hurting you.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/09/2022 10:31

Social media is not real life, If he's that type of person there's very little chance he's changed, you have no idea what goes on with them behind closed doors

Agadoodoododont · 12/09/2022 10:38

He hasn’t changed. Did you go round looking sad, or with a sign round your neck saying he’s abusive? No, we put on a show. I did with my ex, I was a bloody good actress in front of friends and colleagues. She’ll be doing the same because the eggshell walking starts when you get home.
Bin the SM and enjoy your life. He doesn’t deserve yoyr headspace.

MangoBiscuit · 12/09/2022 10:42

I'll bet he wasn't sadistic when you first started seeing each other, otherwise you'd have run a mile. In fact, even when his mask started slipping, I'll bet he still put on a good show when you were around others.

That's where his new wife is now OP. Either he's still on best behaviour until he's gotten her well and truly snared, or they're both putting on their best face for everyone else, and he's already started being the vile piece of shit he really is behind closed doors.

LondonLovie · 12/09/2022 10:49

Photographs don't tell the truth. A leopard never changes it's spots. Thank goodness you are no longer with that man.

sorcerersapprentice · 12/09/2022 10:52

You've done the right thing and are now out of an abusive relationship. Remember that. Work on rebuilding your self esteem and get out there and enjoy yourself! Also, please snooze social media so that you don't see the facade with his new woman.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 12/09/2022 11:19

It's been two years since you split and he's already remarried? Like... until death do us part? How well do you think she knows him, really?

I imagine you are well aware of the abusive cycle (google it if not) and how narcissists will love bomb at the beginning of a relationship. It is almost a certainty that he is abusing his new wife.

Is there any way you can distance yourself from these people? Block their profiles...do it today!

As a PP has said already, you are placing value on his judgement of you. He is vile and not worthy of your time. I'm sorry you went through what you did. It's natural to feel a sense of unjust in this situation but you know what he is really like. He treared you appalling because he is abusive and sadistic. You were just unlucky to end up in a relationship with him. If you think back to when you first met him was he abusive? Of course not because you wood have run a mile! Men like that don't change and I guarantee that the life he shares on SM is not an accurate portrayal of reality. It might be helpful to seek out counselling to process this and move on.

Take good care of yourself.

Readaboutyourself · 12/09/2022 11:24

curtaintales · 12/09/2022 10:16

We all socialised together so I have his friends /partners on my social media

You are good enough and you must stop punishing yourself by seeing these images.

It might be time to unfriend or at least mute people. Give yourself a break and some space 💐

Catapultaway · 12/09/2022 11:29

They say a picture doesn't lie... But it often does. Most people portray a positive image of their life on SM regardless of what goes on behind closed doors.
If he really has changed, then great, I hope for good new wife he has, but either way you are better without him as clearly the two of you together didn't work.

supercali77 · 12/09/2022 11:36

Less asking what was 'wrong' with you and more pity for the woman who thinks she's married a prince. He won't change, people like that dont.

abigailsnan · 12/09/2022 11:39

Do the people you socialize with on SM know the reason why you separated in the first place ? was this new woman part of your SM group or is she totally unaware of his previous history he will show his true colours for sure in time leopards & spots come to mind here.
Think yourself lucky that you are out of the situation and now have a decent partner.

KittyCatsby · 12/09/2022 11:39

I might see a photo of my exh every few years or so . Tbh it fascinates me that I can look at it and feel nothing , his image is just that would be if I'd seen a stranger. We were married for a long time.

Original poster
curtaintales · 12/09/2022 12:15

The people who I know I met through him.
He is a total different person with them
He made me look like a crazy person -when in reality he sends people crazy.
I didn't want to look like I cared enough to remove them as a couple of them are nice to me and I don't have any issues at all with them

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/09/2022 13:50

Stop worrying about what you look like to others and start doing what you need to do to look after yourself. Your happiness is more important than what others think of you... isn't it?

Twawmyarse · 12/09/2022 14:05

He'll start doing what he did to you to her at some point - you're looking at the fake "aren't we so happy and in love" bullshit that people put on SM - she he's not going to post about his shitty behaviour and the huge row they had last night are they? I'd just pity the poor cow and be glad you got away.

Stop following him on social media - that is just being a glutton for punishment.

PineOrange · 12/09/2022 17:12

The kind of person who did this to you will not change, it may take a while but his underlying nature will resurface.

Be thankful he has gone.

You know him, she is yet to know the real him.

Emmelina · 12/09/2022 17:21

Exactly as others have said, she just hasn’t seen the real him yet. She will. I’m sure there are plenty of things you’ll remember from when he started to turn, they’ll all be sneaking in behind closed doors. Abusers don’t change.
The first couple of years of any relationship are generally giddying and stupid too, but to be married in that time too. It was very quick and is still all new. She’s probably still at the writing things off as one-offs stage or “that was weird but he said sorry” stage.
Flowers It’s hard op.

firstmummy2019 · 12/09/2022 19:05

curtaintales · 12/09/2022 12:15

The people who I know I met through him.
He is a total different person with them
He made me look like a crazy person -when in reality he sends people crazy.
I didn't want to look like I cared enough to remove them as a couple of them are nice to me and I don't have any issues at all with them

If this is Facebook, you can still be friends but unfollow them so you don't see anything they post in your feed. If instagram, there is an option to limit what you see fron their page. Might be worth doing if you don't want to cut contact completely.