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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught my boyfriend cheating with men

65 replies

Ez985 · 12/09/2022 07:25

So last night I caught my boyfriend of 7 years cheating, again. This time with men. As far as I knew he was 100% straight. He left me last year for another woman for example, never known him to watch gay porn and is very woman obsessed sexually, loves bums, boobs etc. always chatting up the women. A proper lads lad and ladies man. I am a little taken back of course but I’m not angry. He’s my best friend and still will be no matter what. The reason I bring myself here is because 1. I have nobody I can tell that I can trust with this 2. I want to know, do I confront him? Or do I wait for him to come out and tell me when he decides what he wants? I have a brother who is gay so I know how sensitive the subject can be.

OP posts:

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 12/09/2022 08:47

God help you if a lying cheat is your best friend.

Avastmehearties · 12/09/2022 08:49

I'm a bit confused too as to why you would stay or view him as a best friend but putting that aside.

He might not be gay. In terms of sexual health we refer to men who have sex with men (MSM) when pertaining to the particular risks involved in sex between men. This is because not all MSMs are gay or even bisexual. There are those who choose to sleep with men on a regular or occasional basis because they enjoy the sex, like to try different things, it feels risky, whatever their reasons may be. It sounds as though you have come to terms with your discovery thinking that this man is finally coming out and being himself, this has been a long and difficult process for him etc. Just please bear in mind that this narrative may not be the case. There is a chance it is simply sex for the sake of it.

Justcallmebebes · 12/09/2022 09:01

First thing I'd do is get an STI check. Second thing would be to show his sorry ass the door.

This is not how a "best friend" behaves. Do you have no self respect?

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 12/09/2022 09:19

Ugh, he’s cheated on you twice and you’re ‘not angry’?!

Just get a proper boyfriend. This one is crap.

InsertPunHere · 12/09/2022 09:23

Good heavens, are you always a doormat or is it just with him?

Have some self respect - he is fucking around on you. With whom is irrelevant. Get yourself checked for STI and show him the door.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/09/2022 09:24

He's no friend

Hotcuppatea · 12/09/2022 09:29

Why aren't you angry? He keeps cheating on you. I'd be furious.

AmbushedByCake1 · 12/09/2022 09:31

Good lord woman! You need to try and work out why you are such a walkover.

baroqueandblue · 12/09/2022 09:49

This is a wind-up, surely? "He loves bums, boobs, a real one for the ladies" or whatever. And you've apparently put up with his overt sexual objectification of other women for years and see him as best friend material?!

Aye right

Choconut · 12/09/2022 09:53

So he lies and cheats on you with men and women and you're worried about how you can bring up the fact he's bisexual without upsetting his sensitivities?
Jesus Christ I've seen it all now.

layladomino · 12/09/2022 09:55

Why aren't you angry? He cheats on you, regularly. This means he doesn't see yours as a serious relationship and doesn't respect you. It means you can't trust him. It means he puts you at risk of STIs. Being in this relationshio stops you from finding someone you can trust and who wants to be with only you.

He certainly doesn't treat you as a friend would treat you, let alone a best friend. He isn't your best friend.

You know your bf is cheating on you. Why would you wait for him to 'come out'? Why is that relevant? He's a cheat and you need to get a long way from him.

The fact he's cheated with a man is not the issue.

Wotrewelookinat · 12/09/2022 10:03

Why are you still with him? It’s irrelevant whether he’s straight/gay/bi…he’s unfaithful and always will be and you deserve better.

Hoppinggreen · 12/09/2022 10:03

Hmmmmmm

MintJulia · 12/09/2022 10:05

So he lies, cheats, screws around, puts your health at risk and you think he's your best friend !

You need better friends.

TooHotToTangoToo · 12/09/2022 10:06

KangarooKenny · 12/09/2022 07:29

I don’t think the fact that it’s men is relevant, he’s cheated. Get an STI check and question why you continue to stay.

This!

Cheating is cheating, does t matter if it's with a man woman or alien, he's still a lying cheating scumbag. You're giving him fat too much compassion when you should be giving him hell

Insideallday · 12/09/2022 10:09

He has no respect for you, you also have no self respect. This is not how relationships work. You’ve let him get away with it before, he’ll do it again and again. Cheating with a man is irrelevant, he is cheating on you. This is not how relationships work.

Please dump him and work on your own value.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2022 10:10

Rhubarb

DillonPanthersTexas · 12/09/2022 10:18

AnyFucker · 12/09/2022 10:10

Rhubarb

Secndguess · 12/09/2022 10:18

Are you going to be his best friend when he gives you HIV as I assume he’s not on prep ?

MermaidEyes · 12/09/2022 10:24

Just here for the deletion message 😁

UrslaB · 12/09/2022 10:34

A best friend doesn't lie and cheat on you. That by definition makes him a bad friend.

Even if you and he have been using condoms religiously (which you can't guarantee with him because trusting the word of a liar is a fool's errand) you still need to be checked for STIs. Herpes, Syphilis and genital warts can be caught even if you use condoms correctly. And who's to say he ever bothered when he was cheating? Whether it was with other women or men is irrelevant, he has increased your risk of an STI. He has put your health at serious risk. Syphilus especially can lie undetected causing infertility and even neurological damage before symptoms become detectable in a small number of cases. Get checked immediately!

Finally...whether he is gay of not is irrelevant. He could be bisexual, pansexual, homflexible or just a nymphomaniac. Who he slept with is irrelevant, the fact he broke your trust and put your bodily health at risk is the major issue you seem to be missing.

AquaticSewingMachine · 12/09/2022 11:27

The fact that he cheated with a man does matter, because it massively increases the risk of certain STIs, and because men seeing men covertly while in a relationship with a woman are likely to be having unsafe sex - almost certainly not taking PrEP and quite likely not even using condoms.

WandaWomblesaurus · 12/09/2022 16:00

Are you trying to "be kind" because you think he's gay?

Be kind to yourself first and get an STD test. Stop making excuses for him for goodness sake.

Lozzerbmc · 12/09/2022 16:23

Sorry this has happened to you but how on earth can someone who cheats and lies be your considered your best friend…?

Original poster

Ez985 · 13/09/2022 07:37

In an update to my main post, the situation is that I saw a number of gay dating sites in our shared Mac history that was linked up to his iPhone. I then saw on his location that he was at two of the “meet up” points that one of sites recommends on his way home from family, two nights in a row. He says there was traffic and had to go these routes. So I’ve used the word cheating wrongly to be honest. Is it too much of a coincidence? I have confronted him and he’s saying he’s been hacked etc which is quite plausible as he has been getting weird things through on his phone for a number of months. What doesn’t add up is the location… how correct is find “Find My” on iPhone

OP posts:

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