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Original poster

Mum and Mil reaction to ds A level grades

36 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 11/09/2022 21:51

My ds got his A level results and smashed it. A,A Distiction, B

My mum said "who does he get that from? It must be your sister?" Sister has a degree

Mil the same "He must get that from his uncle" who has a masters.

Spoiler alert - I also have a degree.

Why do parents do this? Oh just like my ( insert favorite child - Mil, anyone who's not me -mum)

Both parents conveniently ignoring the fact that neither aunt or uncle have played very active roles in the kids lives.

When our son was school refusing we actually got agro from family. I begged my sister to have him for one night once as I was at breaking point she said no as she work in the morning. We was desperate and ds was hysterical that night. Real nervous breakdown teritory but we had to scrape ourselves back togetherand crack on as there was no one to help. Ds screaming, his siblings crying as they was scared. I didn't talk to family, but samaritans when ds was suicidal. They don't even know about that. So am I overthrowing this but a few weeks have passed and neither congratulated us or asked if we was proud. It felt like it's implied he beat the odds dispite his parenting.

Ds is taking a year out now but sis said he should go to clearing and go to uni up north ( why? Implying he needs to get as far away from home as possible).

Not sure if I'm over thinking but my mum most definitely said it to hurt. Not once could she say the normal things a normal mum would

OP posts:
Londoncatshed · 11/09/2022 21:57

That’s rubbish. Anyway, huge congratulations to your boy and a big well done to you and his Dad. Sounds like you’ve been very supportive parents and had a very tough time. You will just have to dig deep, pat yourself on the back and stuff the lot of them. I would probably just say, he doesn’t take after anyone but he has had a loving supportive home that has enabled him to flourish and we are very proud of us all. Then smile and wave 😬 I think a year break before Uni is a very sensible option. Tell your sister it’s not a race!

Thistlelass · 12/09/2022 04:33

It is very well proven that kids take their intelligence from their Mum. Look up the research and talk to them about it! Seriously, I know it is very hurtful but you need to focus on you and your boy.

ladydoris · 12/09/2022 04:59

From their mum OP. Congratulations.

Rtmhwales · 12/09/2022 05:06

You're more restrained from me. I would've said "not from you, obviously" with a twinkly laugh.

oopsfellover · 12/09/2022 05:14

Congrats to him. People do say some rubbish things. Perhaps say ‘He got it from me’ and then close down the conversation.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 12/09/2022 05:36

Well done him! These ladies do not sound very pleasant but let me guess, they did not go into higher education? Probably they are jealous.

Volterra · 12/09/2022 05:46

Congratulations to him, how lovely and congratulations to you DS.. Ignore them. DS got 3 A stars this heat and my brother said ‘hard to believe he is your son - I started a Ph.D. back in the day. I ignored him as he is a wanker and not worth my time with comments like that and I am used to it.

Volterra · 12/09/2022 05:46

That should be this year not heat.

TightDiamondShoes · 12/09/2022 05:47

“Who did he get his brains from? Not me… I’ve still got mine”.

smile and walk away leaving them to figure it out.

Notateacheranymore · 12/09/2022 05:52

Some people are just massive tossers who don’t know how to converse by cultural norms and with good manners.

Even worse, some of them are our family members.

Your boy did fantastically well, and that was in part due to the love and care he got from his parents.

Well done to him and you. And the fact that he is having a year out, and I presume remaining to live at home, so HE doesn’t feel that need to move away right now.

Ofcourseshecan · 12/09/2022 07:13

Congratulations to him and you, OP. Best wishes for the future.

GiantTortoise · 12/09/2022 07:17

Well done to your DS! Next time say "I think you'll find he got them from me!" Show off a little, OP.

PenelopeGarseeya · 12/09/2022 07:25

I find friends like that too. My DS just aced his GCSE’s and a friend said he didn’t get that from me. DH has a great job but is not academic at all. My DS is basically a carbon copy of me but without my ADD. The way it was said was very insulting and pissed me off but I think if I reacted they would be happy they got under my skin

W0tnow · 12/09/2022 08:04

“He didn’t ‘get’ anything from anyone. He has no one to acknowledge for his results but himself. Well done to him.

EeeByeGummieBear · 12/09/2022 11:58

Congratulations to your DS, and to you for supporting him through the school refusal.
It's hard, but you just need to ignore, and understand they will never 'get' it.
My DM thinks the sun shines out of my DH's arse, yet he did very little to support our son, or me when our DS was refusing school and was suicidal. (He just didn't know what to do).
No-one will ever know what we went through, the only ones who understand are those who have been through similar.
Take pride you have raised such a wonderful son- he clearly gets his brains and his resilience from you.

Gerwurtztraminer · 12/09/2022 15:55

Just decide that neither you or your son need the approval, validation or acknowledgement from your mother or MiL, or sister. They do not matter. Their opinions mean nothing. They have not supported you or him through the bad times and can take no credit for anything. His achievements and yours as a parent are his and yours to own and feel proud of.

Ignore them, don't let their (awful, unkind, malicious, mean spirited) comments affect you. Believe in yourself as a great parent and congraluate your boy for his resilience.

TDoginHats · 12/09/2022 16:02

My mil showed no interest in our DCs exam results, (GCSEs, A levels, degrees.. she never asked and weren't interested.)
My mum has so many grandchildren I'm pretty sure she didn't take in who achieved what .
But it is hurtful that your own m and mil have not acknowledged how well your son has done aided by your support.

TDoginHats · 12/09/2022 16:04

Wasn't interested 😂^
My poor DC and their ill educated mother!

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 12/09/2022 16:17

I just don't think it takes much to say something like "well done you must be very proud of him" or "he did really well that must be a relief".

Always the snide comments. I was talking to ds today and said I'm so very proud of him and he is far more clever than I ever was and he said I was inflating his ego and its a miracle because he attended so little at school. It just doesn't take much to say something kind. I am super proud of him. I can't get my head around why I or anything would get a buzz out of belittling their child. Adult or not.

OP posts:
Beebumble2 · 12/09/2022 18:45

Congratulations to you and your son, a great achievement.
A year out will mean that because he’s got his grades ( and good ones) he will not be in competition with those waiting for theirs when he applies to Uni. He will get straight offers for a place.
Our DS applied a year after and got 6 acceptances because he already had his grades. It was all so stress free.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2022 18:48

I would reply "nothing to do with any of us, he prepped and sat the exams nobody else"

altmember · 13/09/2022 00:32

It's such a bizarre statement in that context - one that I'd normally only associate with genetic inheritance from one parent or the other (or perhaps a grand parent). How on earth does an uncle or aunt have any genetic input, that's Jeremy Kyle material. I think I'd have made a quip about getting a paternity test when they said DS inherited it from an uncle.

Pallisers · 13/09/2022 00:37

look them in the eye stone-faced and say "he gets it from himself and all the support I have given him. He certainly doesn't get it from random people who have had nothing to do with him" And then turn and walk away.

FictionalCharacter · 13/09/2022 01:26

How horrible of them. And DM and MIL must both be thick as mince if they think kids inherit intelligence and determination from their aunts and uncles 🤔
Well done that lad!

MrsAvocet · 13/09/2022 02:00

I can empathise. My DH's family in general, but particularly his Mum are always very keen to attribute anything positive about our children to marvellous genes inherited from their side, whereas anything negative such as one DC's medical problems are met with "There's nothing like that in our family".
Ironically, I studied genetics as part of my degree but it goes without saying that I don't know what I'm talking about of course.
I recommend the "smile and wave" approach. Some things are just not worth expending time and energy on - don't let them see they've bothered you. Congrats to your son on his amazing achievements and good luck to him in his next steps.