Do I stay or go? Partner with trauma

[paintedsnipe]

This is a long one but I’m in a pickle.
My partner is a lovely man who works incredibly hard. We have a new baby & he’s been so supportive- i didn’t cook a meal for at least 6 weeks postpartum for example, even though he was back at work full time after 2 weeks. He brings me a cuppa every morning, he’ll surprise me with little things to make me feel loved, he’s generally a kind and gentle and loving man.

However. He is also deeply traumatised from various events/parental abuse in his childhood & later an abusive relationship with his ex. This manifests in an ongoing insecurity, expressed in bouts of uncontrollable jealousy concerning a particular friend of mine, and a desperate ‘need’ for sex and intimacy to make him feel loved. A difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth & slow/incomplete postpartum recovery have left me not wanting sex at all but (big mistake) I got drawn into trying to do things to make him feel good. Over the months I’ve felt more and more crap about it, I felt used and grossed out and anxious (about birth injury related pain) & finally got to the point where I was having anxiety attacks when we attempted intimacy. At this point I finally did the sensible thing and said no more, not until I actively want it.

So we’re no longer having sex at all, only kissing and cuddling, but this apparently is making him feel so shit (rejected, humiliated, unloved, unseen etc) that he had a full on breakdown- sobbing, drinking to oblivion, destroying some of my stuff (& some of his) etc etc. he took some days off work, hasn’t been able to sleep at night, is basically at breaking point. These episodes seem to happen every few months.

I come from a loving and stable family and feel totally out of my depth with all this. Sometimes he seems to acknowledge that his response isn’t commensurate with what’s going on, sometimes not so much. All I know for sure is that I don’t want my baby to witness this crazy (she hasn’t so far, he manages to rein it in while she’s awake & just lose his shit while she’s sleeping).

So my question is, will he change? Since the latest episode he’s said he’s quitting drinking so that’s something. He’s had lots of therapy in the past but not currently in therapy. I love him and we have really sweet times together too but am I being naive to think this is workable? Should I cut and run while our little one is still small?

Should add that he has never been violent, he’s smashed things but not when anyone else is in the room if that makes a difference

Is it your first child? The baby’s birth could have been a trigger for him as it will have diverted some of your attention away from him. Has he recognised his ongoing issues and is he willing to seek help for it? Sounds like he’s not done in therapy tbh.

This isn’t the trauma you’re struggling with; it’s his immature and self centred ways of coping with it.

I have trauma similar to his. I would never blackmail someone into having sex with me (even if rejection is a trigger- it is.)

My triggers are my issues. I wouldn’t, for example, blame my partner for my pain when my arthritis is flaring up if I stopped taking my meds. It’s my problem to solve. Even if he exacerbated it, like maybe he left a window open and the cold made it worse, it’s my back and my pain and my choice to not take meds.

Similarly, my trauma is mine to manage. I go to therapy. If I notice I’m struggling, I tell my therapist, I don’t tantrum at my OH. I don’t want to cause him suffering just because I’m hurting.

Stop saying 'my partner has trauma' and start saying 'my partner is an abuser'.

There is NO excuse for his behaviour. None.

'Jealousy' over a friend? Yeah, trying to get you to be alone so he can better control you probably.

Cares more about his pleasure than your basic human comfort or right to live pain free.

Don't make any more excuses for him. Abusers are nasty then nice then nasty again, it's called the cycle of abuse. It helps keep their victims confused. He is not 'damaged'. He is just a predator.

Get out while the little one is still young.
Run fast, run far.

Also- the more I think about it the angrier I get. If he is traumatised by his childhood, why is he actively traumatising his child? If he knows how shit it is, and blames them, why is he doing it, too?

Because having their things smashed up and their mother abused is traumatic, whether baby is in the same room or not.

I have had pretty much every trauma you can think of, and I still have hang ups from it. However that doesn't make me a jealous abuser who takes it out on the partner.
He could have got help. He could have tried to change his behaviour. He could have visited the GP countless times to try and save the relationship. He hasnt.

Leave. He won't change cos he doesn't want to

I have trauma from parental abuse and grew up with extremely low self esteem. I still feel empty and insecure sometimes. I am getting therapy. I have never taken it out on a partner or anyone else and I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s not their responsibility in the slightest and I would be mortified if they were negatively affected by my baggage. It is your partners choice to behave like this and the sex stuff is quite grim.

And heads up, every abuser on the planet has some bs sob story. Their mum was cruel,their ex cheated blah blah boohoo bullshit. Usually it's goal is to 'explain' why they essentially, act like they hate you.

To make you feel they have a reason for their violence or cruel words or lack of empathy.

Sometimes there's some truth in their stories. But so what? Countless people have had horrible abuse in their past and grow up not taking it out on those they love.

Breaking shit in another room is still an intimidation tactic. He is dangerous. Get out.

For fuck sake. Do you really think a cup of tea in the morning makes up for all this bullshit? Okay so he’s damaged it’s not his fault bla bla bla doesn’t mean you have to take it. He’s treating you like a fuck doll.

Off topic, but is your birth injury being treated? It sounds as if your baby is a few months old now and most women have healed by that point. Please seek medical advice if you haven’t already, you need to look after yourself, not just your baby. 💐

There are ways of being violent which don’t involve hitting someone. He has been extremely violent. Forcing you into sex acts when you’re recovering from birth is an extreme form of violence and abuse. Throwing huge tantrums because you’re not currently willing to have sex with you is violence. Smashing your stuff is violence.

The fact that he’s lovely when everything is going his way means absolutely nothing. Everyone can be lovely in those circumstances. The fact that he was willing to bully his birth-injured partner into performing sex acts and then proceeded to throw tantrums and smash her stuff when she said no - that is appalling. It doesn’t matter why he behaves like this. It is incredibly wrong. He is dangerous to you, OP. I think you need to get away from him.

Nope, just nope
His trauma doesn’t not excuse his abuse and sexual coercion

He's abusive OP, I'm sorry.

I had a feeling these might be the kind of responses I’d get. It’s so hard to make sense of because he’s a world away from what I imagine ‘an abuser’ to be. We’ve talked about the possibility of me and the baby moving out and he agrees that it might make sense for all of us, he recognises that this situation isn’t sustainable. I really think he’s trying his best.

the sex stuff is bad but I could have been a lot clearer, I’ve got my own issues around sex and should have just said a straight up no a lot sooner. But yes the continual emotional pressure is all on him.

He is seeking help, he’s on a wait list with our local mental health service but it’s going to be months until he gets seen. We’re really tight for money but looking for a private alternative.

yes it’s my first child, he has children with his ex, the oldest lives with us full time.

and yes I’m under the care of a gynaecologist and a physiotherapist so recovery from birth is ongoing .

Can I recommend that you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Leave. Don’t waste the next few years until you realise it’s the only option.

abusers are often absolutely lovely - except when they’re not.

as many many have said - trauma doesn’t excuse abuse.

obviously this will not be easy and he will put ENORMOUS emotional pressure on you but stay strong.

why does he think that you and the baby should leave and he’s stays in the property? Where are you meant to go??

@Teenyliving i have somewhere to go, I already owned a house when we got together, it’s currently rented out but contract ends soon. He has his oldest child from previous relationship & she’s in school so they need to stay in the area but me and baby can move to my old place, we’d be nearer family too.

The thing is there is no "abuser" no picture you can come up with - they come in all shapes and sizes and this is one of them

Move out - what about his DD though is she safe with him?

Oh okay - well that sounds like the ideal option.

good luck xxx

So does his other child who lives with you witness his outbursts? Do they see the property damage?

Unfortunately you can't change his history or his actions. Only he can change how he behaves. Therefore, with no treatment in place, and repeated offenses, yes, I do think the right thing to do is leave.

He's creating another hostile home, and that's not fair on the kids.

Move to your old place when the contract is up. Maintain communication and contact with him and your baby. If you like, start from ground zero and date. Near your family perhaps they could help with babysitting for date nights.
You need to see commitment to change, he has to prove himself, but I get that an absolute end at this point could be a hard thing to stick with for both of you.
He needs a reset, starting from zero may either help him to do that, or give you time to see if he's actually incapable of change - back to therapy for him. Any sign of sex pressure or jealousy, end it as he's then showing he's learnt nothing. It's not your job to allow him excuses and getouts for unacceptable behaviour.
Also, the feelings, the spark, may never come back for you after all that's happened, but you will have tried and its on him ultimately.

@Quartz2208 yes she’s safe, and according to her it’s a much nicer environment than her mum’s which would be the alternative.
i guess i imagined abusers to be more obviously angry. He’s sad. He must be angry to be destroying things but he never shows it in front of anyone. The baby and I were asleep in the bedroom, I just found stuff missing in the morning & we worked out what had happened. He didn’t even remember doing it.

@Opentooffers thank you for this post! This is some advice I might actually be ready to follow.

Absolutely this.

He is a dangerous person to be in a relationship with when it comes to your mental health, physical wellbeing and the emotional needs of your child.

There's no upside to staying with someone you feel guilt tripped into having sex with despite the pain it causes your body.

Or someone who is violent, even if it's to your surroundings rather than you.

His trauma doesn't excuse, or lessen the impact of, him traumatising you now.

One person's mental health doesn't trump the other person's.

I'm afraid you're in an abusive relationship. I would suggest calling womens aid to talk through your options

I agree this may be an abusive relationship. I certainly agree that being nice when things are good isn’t evidence that your partner is a nice bloke.

I was going to say, maybe he should be cut some slack because, if his background is as difficult as you suggest, you having his baby might have been a trigger for many of his own insecurities.

However, 2 things: if that is so, he needs help now to disentangle this. And against his background, how he behaves is, as others have said, his choice. He can cast off his background and do it differently-move out, get help. And the second thing: he has existing children. So if I’m right about the triggers, he’s had time to look at this and hasn’t.

For me, a start from zero in your own place and go back to dating seems like a sensible option whilst you decide whether he is an abuser and hasn’t wanted to change, or not. Clearly those who have posted think they know the answer. They may well be right. The short answer is, yes he can change. But only if he wants to.

Coerced sex, even before you mentioned he was hurting you due to a birth injury, is rape.

He's smashing up your stuff, wailing and howling, because you're not letting him rape you anymore.

Leave, leave now, never ever return.