Do I stay or go? Partner with trauma

[paintedsnipe]

This is a long one but I’m in a pickle.
My partner is a lovely man who works incredibly hard. We have a new baby & he’s been so supportive- i didn’t cook a meal for at least 6 weeks postpartum for example, even though he was back at work full time after 2 weeks. He brings me a cuppa every morning, he’ll surprise me with little things to make me feel loved, he’s generally a kind and gentle and loving man.

However. He is also deeply traumatised from various events/parental abuse in his childhood & later an abusive relationship with his ex. This manifests in an ongoing insecurity, expressed in bouts of uncontrollable jealousy concerning a particular friend of mine, and a desperate ‘need’ for sex and intimacy to make him feel loved. A difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth & slow/incomplete postpartum recovery have left me not wanting sex at all but (big mistake) I got drawn into trying to do things to make him feel good. Over the months I’ve felt more and more crap about it, I felt used and grossed out and anxious (about birth injury related pain) & finally got to the point where I was having anxiety attacks when we attempted intimacy. At this point I finally did the sensible thing and said no more, not until I actively want it.

So we’re no longer having sex at all, only kissing and cuddling, but this apparently is making him feel so shit (rejected, humiliated, unloved, unseen etc) that he had a full on breakdown- sobbing, drinking to oblivion, destroying some of my stuff (& some of his) etc etc. he took some days off work, hasn’t been able to sleep at night, is basically at breaking point. These episodes seem to happen every few months.

I come from a loving and stable family and feel totally out of my depth with all this. Sometimes he seems to acknowledge that his response isn’t commensurate with what’s going on, sometimes not so much. All I know for sure is that I don’t want my baby to witness this crazy (she hasn’t so far, he manages to rein it in while she’s awake & just lose his shit while she’s sleeping).

So my question is, will he change? Since the latest episode he’s said he’s quitting drinking so that’s something. He’s had lots of therapy in the past but not currently in therapy. I love him and we have really sweet times together too but am I being naive to think this is workable? Should I cut and run while our little one is still small?

He IS violent, he is horrendously abusive, and he is a very alarming, dangerous man. You should be fucking sprinting for the hills. Please don't keep your baby around this man. The red flags are absolutely blazing with this one.

Then do that op. There isn't a thing that you have described about him that justifies how he treats you. His trauma is ultimately his responsibility to treat, he cannot treat you this way. What about your own trauma, does that come secondary? Leave, let him sort himself out, and then you can decide if getting back together is worth it. Your baby needs a healthy environment to grow up in and this isn't it.

'He didn't even remember doing it'

Well surely you know that's a massive lie right?
He smashed (ýour?) stuff up and then hid the evidence. That's not the frame of mind of someone who doesn't know what they are doing.

I wonder if this outburst came after you 'displeased' him in some way?
Eg: i remember after me standing up to my abuser one time, I later found my toothbrush in the bin. I asked him why it was there and he said he didn't know it was mine and had used it to clean the toilet :/

So...maybe he broke your stuff to punish you and then feigned ignorance to just give you enough doubt to make you think 'am I wrong for feeling hurt by this? He didn't know/hasforgot/clearly has his own issues ect...'.