Inheritance

[Pascalle]

My mother passed away last year and I have just inherited a five figure sum.
I have been married for 49 years and over 30 years ago, my husband suggested I open a bank account in my name, which I did. Pension money and gifts goes into that account. Upon receiving my inheritance which went into our joint account I said “I would like that money to go into my personal account”, as I had envisaged sharing some of the money with my two adults children, and also next year is our 50th anniversary, which I had intended to use some of the money for both of us to go somewhere special. Now my husband is really upset, he has transferred the money into my personal account ( I did not asked him to do that). He keeps making comments about when we go out “ am I going to pay half” etc. he will not talk to me properly. I have apologised for not thinking it through. I do not know how to get passed this, it’s like a barrier between us.
any ideas, suggestions would be a great help.

Have you asked him to explain to you exactly what his problem is?

Why has he transferred the money to your personal account? Why didn't you do that?

How is money usually split, and do you both contribute equally?

After 49 years I would think that money should be shared, but that's based on him having shared his money for all those years.

I think you might need to give a bit more info regarding your family dynamic and financial set up. I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to expect you pay for things if you have funds but this does depend on what you've done historically and what your overall financial situation is.

I had envisaged sharing some of the money with my two adults children, and also next year is our 50th anniversary, which I had intended to use some of the money for both of us to go somewhere special.

You couldn't have done those things if the money was in your joint account? What's the difference?

This - surely you have access to the joint account to do it yourself?

And why didn't you ask for it to be paid to your personal account to start with? Why was it in the joint account at all?

I agree with this, but it will depend on how you've structured finances to date.

The fact that you need him to transfer it out of the joint account is.... odd.

As a minimum, I'd expect a long married couple to sit down together and openly discuss plans for the money. That's what being a partnership is about.

I have been married for 49 years and over 30 years ago, my husband suggested I open a bank account in my name, which I did.

I've just reread and fully understood this....

You were married for 19 years before you even opened a bank account in your own name?!

Have you ever worked?
What are your respective financial contributions to the household?

Why wouldn’t you discuss between you how to share a large sum of money? I assume you’d be happy for him to use a similar amount for just himself?

It’s not a dynamic I recognise. Everyone should have their own bank account, seems odd he had to suggest you got one. But it’s irrelevant to your inheritance. You said you wanted the money in your own account, he did it for you, now you’re complaining.

I’d be very upset if DH got a big inheritance and thought it was solely for his own use because we share money and I’d consider anything left to me for the benefit of our whole family.

Why was it paid into a joint account in the first place? That’s really unusual for an inheritance.

i’ve been in a similar position. It went into my own account but I paid our mortgage off with some of it, bought us new cars (DH insisted he would pay for most of his car so he did, I just topped up a bit). I also used some on a big family holiday. The rest of it I have control of, as it’s provision for my retirement, uni costs and house deposit for the kids, and anything we’ll need doing on the house. I haven’t bought any personal extravagances and I wouldn’t really be happy if DH EXPECTED a share of the money to spend on daft extravagant stuff of his own.

so it really depends on your situation. If you have an outstanding mortgage on a joint house that you both live in, that he pays, and you are just going to sit on that money then yes, I can see his point. If he expects to have access to it to just go through it all like disposable income and spend on constant nights out etc then yes, I can see why you’d want to keep control of what happens to it.

depends on if you work or if you sit back and let him pay for everything on a day to day basis, including fancy hair and nail appointments and gym membership for you etc. In that case you’d be unreasonable not to buy those things yourself now.

Ah so you’re both retired? In that case you need to have a proper discussion about this, about what you want to leave for the children, and the fact you envisage spending some on an anniversary trip. I don’t know what your pension provision is but if yours is only v small, and you rely on your DH’s pension to have a better standard of living than you would have on your own, then really, it would be time to be less reliant on his money, and offer something from your inheritance when you do things like go out for a meal.

It is your money & nothing to do with him. My husband inherited a very substantial sum 10 years ago, I'm not sure of the exact amount. It never occurred to me to ask what he would do with it. I suspect I have indirectly benefited from some of the returns on his investments but the fact remains that it is/was his money.

It depends.

We don't know enough to judge.

Does he share all his money with you?

Or do you have to ask for money?

Did you tell him your plans for the money? I assume both children are yours together.

I kept all my inheritance. I treat us occasionally. Treat our daughter a lot.

I am not really sure what you are asking. But after fifty years, I would expect to be sharing finances with my husband and if one of us had an inheritance, we would discuss what to do with it.

In fact this is not hypothetical, I will inherit a reasonably large sum (when the estate has settled) shortly and whilst my husband has never himself brought the subject up of what to do with it, he knows it will be for our shared future and we have talked about a nice trip.

How to get past it? "Im sorry, I was wrong". If money has been joint money until you get a big sum and then it is your money it does come across rather selfish and not like a partnership. Had it been put into your account so you could sit down together and work out what to do with it then it would be different. We see all money as joint money in my family and the use of any inheritance has been discussed and considered jointly. If I were him I would feel rather insecure you might be planning on leaving me.

I'm puzzled that, after almost fifty years of marriage, you're not openly discussing finances and future spending as a matter of course ....

I am due to inherit a six figure sum, it will be invested in my name for tax purposes, over and above that it is ours.

I have told DH that I am holding back £1,000 for wasting as I will never have that sort of money again, but that aside it is joint money.

When DH's mother died we used his inheritance to put down a larger deposit for a house we were already buying.

We do joke in this house, what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own, but in reality everything goes into the pot.

First of all I’m sorry for your loss.

I do think more context is needed here in terms of whether you have previously shared all money, supported each other etc. or if you’ve kept separate finances each paying 50%.

DH and I pool all our money and any inheritance either of us get will be put in the joint pot for us to jointly decide how it’s spent. I would be very hurt and think a lot less of my husband if he suddenly decided to ring fence the money and that he had final say on how it’s spent, that’s not how our marriage works, we are equal partners here with equal access to all the household money.

Like it or not, there is a form of power attached to large sums of money and I would not like it if my husband was making financial decisions such as gifting our children large sums without us discussing and agreeing.

Invest the money on premium bonds or a pension plan in your own name. It's your inheritance so you do what you want with it. Get some independent financial advice especially on pensions and investments.

www.nsandi.com/products/premium-bonds

www.moneysavingexpert.com/investments/

Why did your husband have to suggest you open a bank account, did you not already have one?

Why was the inheritance paid into the joint account if that wasn’t what you wanted? You could’ve had it paid into your account, and even once it was, can’t you transfer money from the joint account yourself?

Are the children his as well? You call them your children, of course yes you should treat them but wouldn’t your husband want that as well?

Overall, if you’ve been married for this long all money should be joint anyway, and decisions on it should be shared - is there a reason you don’t feel it is? Do you usually have access to family money?

I have been married for 49 years and over 30 years ago, my husband suggested I open a bank account in my name, which I did.

So it was always joint finances before then?

What lead to him suggesting you having a joint bank account?

Well I think if this were a reverse, and a woman came on here saying that her Dh wanted all his inheritance to himself, there would be a lot of support for the op.

I inherited a five figure sum recently, and I kept 20% of it to invest in something personal that I'd wanted for a while. The rest went into paying off our joint mortgage. When / if I inherit from my parents (a very sizeable amount I'd imagine) it will be shared among me, Dh and our dds. I would expect Dh to do the same when / if he inherits from his father one day.

So personally I think the not sharing thing is unreasonable of you op, however there are some alarm bells going on in your op regarding your dh's control of your shared money, so more context is needed here. If you're doing it because he's never granted you any financial independence, I'd be inclined to think YANBU.

Apologies re my last line - I thought this was in AIBU!