Just don't know what to do. Can anyone talk?

[Hoolioho]

NC for this as situation probably noticeable to a few people close to me.

I feel so fed up in my marriage to DH at the moment but don't know what to do. I feel like I have absolutely no options.

We've been together 6 years, married for 3 and share one DC who is 2.

The issues in the main are a few things.

Firstly he works a lot. Not necessarily a bad thing but I end up feeling like work is the only thing that matters to him. He owns his own business and I work in it with him (I'm also a partner but own less of a percentage than he does due to being off with our child some days a week). He has an amazing work ethic and he's built a thriving business from the ground up with next to no money and turned it into a profitable business. I'm proud of him but at the same time it's completely all consuming, it makes him stressed, he works 7 days a week often and when he is home he doesn't do anything else. I feel like our lives are basically work, watch TV, talk about work, bed.

I do absolutely everything at home and for our child. I also work 3 days a week in the business. I feel like he can just come and go as he pleases, come in have a shower, have a nap whenever he wants when he gets home etc.. whereas I have to ask if it's okay for me to do those things because he'll need to watch DC. Basically it feels like it's a given DC is my responsibility and anything he does for them is seen as a favour to me.

A big issue for us is his moods at the weekend. He tends to be okay on a Saturday when he's working most of the day but on a Sunday when he occasionally has the day off it's like he'd rather pull teeth than spend time with us. He acts like a stroppy teenager sometimes, saying he's bored, face like a slapped bum, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. He's a completely different person mood wise compared to the week when he's working. I feel like I walk on eggshells every time he doesn't go into work. When he does agree to go anywhere with us the smallest things set him off and I feel constantly on high alert or like I'm having to keep him happy. For example, he agreed to go on a walk with us today and on the way we hit some roadworks and were diverted adding about 10 minutes onto the journey. I knew immediately that was it. The day was ruined and we wouldn't be going.

I don't know what to make of anything. Half the days I feel like I don't love him and half the days I feel like I do. His moods are all over the place. One day you can have a joke with him, the next you can't. One day he's all lovey and normal and the next he's depressed and moping around and I feel on edge.

We don't go on holidays, we don't spend any real time together doing anything. I often fantasize about just living me and DC.

But this is where I feel trapped. Because everything I have is tied to him. Even my job because we work together. I feel like I can't leave, I'd lose my work because realistically it would be absolutely unsustainable working together, I'd lose time with my DC, I'd lose my home and be unlikely to afford to buy by myself.

I feel like I'm going through life either trying to appease whatever mood he's in or just living completely separately. I have been on holiday, I do go out to places often with DC but not with him. I go by myself or with family/friends. Is that really a marriage? I feel like I do nothing enjoyable with him. The only time we spend together is watching TV or working or talking about work.

He's tired and stressed with the business I totally appreciate that but I just feel completely neglected as a family. He's utterly impossible to talk to about it though because everything just comes back to how hard he works, how tired he is etc.. I feel like our whole life revolves around him and his business (I know I'm a partner but it was his dream, not mine) and he can never just put himself out for one weekend to do something with us and actually slap a smile on whilst he does it.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just at a loss. I really really don't know what to do. I feel like I'd be losing everything if I left.

Well.
What were things like when you were dating, just before you decided to get married? Talk is through that.
And what his parents/family background is like.

Our son is closer to his grandparents than to his own dad for example because they are the only ones who ever take him anywhere (with me) and do anything with us.

He's read our son a story and put him to bed once in 2 years.

I think you need couples therapy in order to be able to attempt to sort things out, if it’s possible. Honestly though I can’t help but feel he’s making your life a misery. If you moved out, say to a rented house, you could claim universal credit and look for a job. What is the everything you have to lose? You’re married so if you divorce you’re entitled to half of everything. The relationship isn’t happy so you would be better off emotionally and in turn, so would your child. I left a husband I wasn’t happy with by getting a bank loan to put a deposit on a rented house, then when everything was in place I told him I was leaving. In the end he helped me move out and even gave me half the house contents. Best thing I ever did.

When we were dating he wasn't working for himself. He had weekends off and wasn't as stressed. He's never been someone who likes going out a lot but that's not what I'm asking for, just the odd weekend here and there because he knows I'd like to do it. And to not act like it's the worst thing ever whilst doing it. We also had a couple of holidays then which he'll no longer do.

About a year before we got married we went through a really dark time. Basically we lost more than one baby and it was very hard so I think these issues just got a bit overlooked when all that was going on. He was also only just starting the business then so things were slower and less stressful.

He's not close to his family really, they live a few hours away and we only see them a couple of times a year.

There's no way he'd agree to therapy. He thinks it's a load of nonsense. He gets very defensive as well any time I try to bring these issues up. It's really hard to ever have a conversation with him about it without it ending in an argument.

What is the everything you have to lose?

The house, the business, time with DC.

Realistically there isn't a huge amount of equity in the house as we only bought it 2 years ago. I could go back to my job before but I'd struggle, I certainly doubt I'd be able to buy my own house again (not really any salary progression)

As someone who's always worked super hard (and yes I'm paid super well but I deserve it), I hate this type of threads.

He's working to provide the family with a great future. Have you tried being poor? I have as I started from nothing and it's really tough.

I hope he finds someone who actually supports him. Of course you need to do most if not everything at home when he brings home enough money to give you all a comfortable life.

I'm not one for domestic chores that's why I went back to work 4-6 months after the children were born so I could have a cleaner 3-4 days a week. Have you considered that? Find a better outside job and you both pay for a cleaner.

Gosh OP this is a tough one. I'm the first to say that couples and families should spend time apart, but this is taking it to the extreme and I wouldn't be happy either.

I'm not saying you should leave neccesarily, but you could. Don't tell yourself you would lose everything, you wouldn't. Your son is everything and you wouldn't lose him. I doubt you'd even lose time with him, as when would the man who works 7 days a week have time to have him.

You'd get half the assets of the family. You work at his business now, but what is your situation in terms of other employment options? If the business only started two years ago, you must have been working another job fairly recently. You could go back to that industry. It's not the same challenge as say, a women who has been SAHP for 20 years looking for a job.

He takes you for granted @Hoolioho . That's why he feels like he can act how he likes. And he doesn't appreciate you and what you do. 😡

Also, my dad was a bit like this. Just his personality I guess, but it was very, very damaging to us.

I really feel for you. Ultimately you need to be happy so you can be a happy parent to your dc.

Could you take a week off of work and go and stay with your parents or a friend? Put some space between you and him and take some time to really think about what you want.

If he won’t agree to therapy could you write him a letter detailing how you’re feeling? If you did this and left for a week it would give him time to think.

If you’re not happy now it’s not going to get better without him changing his work life balance. He basically needs to decide if spending all his time at work is worth sacrificing his family for.

He's working to provide the family with a great future.

And how does the unpleasant attitude and face like a slapped arse play in to it? Is he earning more money for every argument and nasty face he pulls?

@Hoolioho I've been left disabled and unable to work, partly due to what my dad was like, I'm very anxious around people. My sister also has anxiety issues. The growing brain needs somewhere it can relax (so does yours of course.)

This is not a safe environment for your DC and it could have a permanent effect.

I agree with this. You can't have it both ways. I'm elderly now, but when our children were growing up I did most things. DH cooked sometimes but nothing more.
When I went back to work I got a cleaner and that helped a lot.
It irks me that most of the advice on here is to leave. Most marriages need work, and when you made your marriage vows, it was 'until death us do part,' not 'until one of us gets a bit fed up.'
Appreciate what you have, the grass isn't always greener somewhere else.

Ignore this post OP it's clear the poster hasn't actually bothered to read what you wrote.

It sounds like your DH works so hard he finds it hard to relax if he's not working. So probably on Sunday he feels agitated like he should be working and bored because he can't turn off.

This is ultimately his to fix and he also has a lot to lose if the marriage ends. Can he run the business without you,? How will he manage his time with the children?

I think counselling is a great idea to help him think about the broader impact of his workaholicism on your family. Might also help you figure our what options you have too

You sound like him tbh.

This is always the argument used to shut me up if I ever complain about anything. He's working hard for us so I can't have an issue with anything.

I appreciate how hard he works, and if you knew me you'd know how much I have supported him to follow his dream of starting this up.

I'm asking for the occasional time as a family where he actually wants to be there and I don't feel like I'm forcing him to spend time with us and walking on egg shells whenever he's at home/not been to work that day. It's really hard knowing your husband acts/ feels like it's the worst thing ever to just spent time with you and your child for the day once in a blue moon.

Why are you worried about losing your child in any divorce? It's pretty clear you'd have the child all of the time.

As for those who say you should be grateful - why should she be grateful for having a husband who doesn't pay her any attention whatsoever? Who never does anything with his own child? Who is building up his business at the expense of his relationship with both of them?

It sounds like your DH works so hard he finds it hard to relax if he's not working. So probably on Sunday he feels agitated like he should be working and bored because he can't turn off.

This is ultimately his to fix and he also has a lot to lose if the marriage ends. Can he run the business without you,? How will he manage his time with the children?

This is exactly what it is. Except he refuses to ever do anything about it and says it's just how he is.

I am well aware that as the person at home more I'll be doing more. But I can't even have a shower for 10 minutes at a weekend when he's home because he pulls his face at watching DS whilst I do because he wants to 'chill'. If I ever want to go out I have to ask my parents to have our son. He's put him to bed once it 2 years.

I feel so sad that our son just barely knows his dad. Anytime he does spend with him just seems to be wishing he was anywhere but with us.

Why are you worried about losing your child in any divorce? It's pretty clear you'd have the child all of the time.

I didn't add this in my OP as it's not really about them but he has older children too who he has 50% of the time (but I basically do everything for them as well, I take them to school, I cook for them etc) I don't necessarily mind doing it but I don't know what he'd do if I wasn't around. So it worries me that he'd find a way to make 50% work for our son too.

Get a new job and pay for childcare and a cleaner. The money he earns enables this.

what hit me most is that you say you don’t own 50%. I hope you have an equal pension to him.

Then I just think maybe I should just put up with it and just live completely separate lives. Doing things I should be doing with my husband, with my family or friends instead.

No I only own 10% of it. He also wanted me to sign something to say I'd forfeit it if I ever left him but I refused.

I could go and get a job doing what I was doing before. It's not got any real progression though which is why I was saying I'd be unlikely to ever own my house again or things like that.

It would also feel like a finality. He'd want an explanation as to why I was going back to work. I just feel so confused.

We'd struggle to pay for full time childcare as well. It's one of the reasons I left my old job because the wage just wasn't great and would have been negligible basically when it came to paying for 5 full days childcare.

The business is profitable but we certainly aren't rolling in it or anything (not saying that's a negative thing just clarifying).

He'd want an explanation as to why I was going back to work.

Why not give it to him then? He needs to know things are serious. If he doesn't like it - good.

The only reason the 50/50 works now for his other children, is that you're there and you do the care. without you there's no way he would be able or willing to do it.

I don't buy the "he's working hard" for you line. He's opting out of family life. He's making that choice. Lots of people work hard and provide for their families and manage to read stories, go on date nights with their partners, spend family time. My exH was very similar. A workaholic. It wasn't the only reason why he's an ex, but certainly a key one.

I'm really bad at starting these conversations. I get panicked. Especially because I'm still so confused about what to actually do. He's terribly defensive as well. I know from previous similar conversations there's no way it would end in a positive talk about things.